So much inner conflict, confusion and self hate

[elik]

I feel like having lived in the pocket of people's live all my adolescence and young adulthood and never really letting them into my life I have no idea how to integrate the two. Now I'm getting older I have more responsibilities, more things to feel guilty about, I cannot juggle between my life and those around me. I don't want to let people in because I would only feel guilt telling people I'm busy or tired so I've learnt it's easier to just do what I have to in a day for no guilt or aggravation but I have no feelings of connection, joy and love at such a young age I'm writing myself off already. I sincerely have no confidence in being close with others. I feel constricted and fleeting when people feel like they're surrounding me with a desperate need to escape which I cannot understand or put into words. The fear is out of this world, but this has been going on for a while and because I won't ask for help if I can't give it at the moment I have no idea how to improve this situation or if I ever will. It's not like I've not tried, but I'm so trapped, so scared and so guilty about my lack of control about this situation and that I feel I have been left with no choice but for people to move on without me because I am angry enough knowing how impossible this situation is from the outside let alone within. It is very hard for me to express just how isolated I've made myself without any intention of doing so. People that are meant to be my best friends don't actually know me at all. My best friend from childhood seems to think she does but she knows the old adolescent me. I see how much she cares and insists she knows me but I can't reciprocate how she feels towards me because I can't even tell someone when I'm in a bad mood, I don't want people to step into my life so I step into theirs, I'm always hiding. I just feel so guilty that the pressure I have to fill out my best friend roles and duties to people yet my continuous feeling is discomfort. I can't pretend all the time, it isn't fair on them. Honestly, I feel close to no one. This hurts me most because of how that would hurt others but I don't. Everything feels forced. Every conversation I monitor, how much I communicate with others, their reliance on me, etc - these things determine how close I let them get to me but I am constantly having to deal with the guilt of actively doing this. Barricading myself from people so I don't get requests and pressure because I haven't the confidence to be myself in a close relationship. A day of feeling more positive followed closely by the opposite means I am so unsure of which direction to go in so I keep things the same - controlled, distant, with all my social meetings ensuring that I compensate for this with a people pleasing, ditzy, over apologetic stance. Over a year of this and I still want to throw up in agonising mental pain. I need an answer because I am driving myself somewhere very dark.

[Cruthin]

Sorry to hear your'e feeling so bad Elik, I'm not sure I understand exactly what your going through, is it some form of social anxiety maybe. But my advice would be talk to someone be it a friend, medical professional or help line. I think maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself, just talk to friends or family about how you feel, the fact that your best friend from childhood is still around shows she cares, maybe try talking to her and being honest about how you feel. It's amazing how understanding people can be, I have suffered from anxiety for a number of years and told very few people about it, but to be honest from those I have told I have never had a negative experience from any of them. All you have to do at first is just trust someone a little and then go from there.
I hope you feel better soon Elik.

[elik]

Hi, thanks for your response! I have confided in her a few times about it now in the year I have felt this extreme pain but the lack of improvement means I just feel more unity for not progressing. I hate that I am constant analysing everything I do and say and I never just 'be' because it might mean that people get close to me and then I'm in a situation where I have to manage my time even more and be more authentic so I can sustain my responsibilities etc. There is no other way of putting it then saying it's a very sad existence. Especially at 25 when I should be out there living and I'm none oTher than petrified

[Cruthin]

Why is time such an issue Elik, is it your job that takes up a lot of your time ? Are you worried you won't have time for those close to you ? If so I'm sure they would understand if you have a busy life that you may not have the time you would like to have to spend with them.

[elik]

I have become very much a perfectionist with others. I don't feel my self around any friend truly but believe I need to act up all the time. The fact that this takes so much effort and makes me question all my friendships means I feel I can't manage more than what I've got timewise because I'm burning out. I couldn't possibly please anyone else. I feel so robotic and unnatural, pre thinking my every move in friendships desperately hoping to appear kind but also trying to keep a distance. I don't know how I've managed to get so lost in this but I have and it's the most gut wrenching agony I've felt

[Cruthin]

I'm sure people close to you and that care about you do not want you to be perfect, which none of us can hope to achieve anyway, they are close to you because they care and if they are willing to stick around and try and help you that is surely their choice, don't push them away they want to be close to you even if you aren't perfect. Why not pick 1 or 2 people initially and just be yourself with them, good or bad. Tell them the truth about how you feel, talking and being honest helps take the pressure of you place on yourself.
Have you spoken to your GP or a therapist, they may be able to help.

[elik]

Thank you, I just put myself off because I see the effects of being close to anyone - they introduce you to their friends and life etc and a whole other responsibility has been added. I get on with everyone and I feel I'm
Actively having to avoid people so I don't have too many people to please or feel I'm getting stretched. Ultimately I have no idea how I make choices without upsetting people. Who I spend time with feels like it'll upset someone else so I just don't do it. I keep myself separate to not cause overwhelming feelings of guilt, duty, etc. Friendship has become a very negative, dutious thing and itisso sad I don't understand whats happening and how to be natural again