Common Tale of Anxieties

[AnxiousinCali]

I tried so hard to resist posting because I don't want to get caught in a reassurance loop, and not learn to self soothe. But I have been at this for a few months, and am having such a hard time. Thoughts, ideas, and whatever else are greatly appreciated.

I've always been an anxious person. When my mom would travel when I was younger, I would be convinced that she would die in a plane crash. I've been nervous in a lot of social situations, and avoided dating when I was a teen. It was easily covered then because I was well liked and fairly popular, but I always felt off. As long as I avoided certain situations, though, I felt okay.

My first episode of intense anxiety started with some bowel issues in college as well as lots of itching all over. It was triggered by a dating/rejection situation, and lasted a really long time.

My second period of intense anxiety started with another dating scenario (recurring theme much?), and resulted in tiredness, sleeplessness, and general malaise. I had my first period of "GET OUT" type of anxiety (you know, where you feel like you just need to leave the situation you're in immediately) around that time.

Then it just kind of continued from there. Sleeplessness in grad school, worries I wasn't good enough, shaking when I needed to present, always worried I'd say the wrong things. Again, was very good at covering this up, so I am pretty sure no one was the wise (myself included).

My first panic attack followed...another dating situation. Shot up in bed after a few months of dating, couldn't connect with my boyfriend, kind of went catatonic for a few days. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was awful, and led to an extended period of anxiety with ebbs and flows.

Anyways, I write all of this to claim my history. I get it. Dating triggers intense anxiety for me, but only in the last few months did it become health anxiety. Last year I had a tremor. Alternating hands, was worried I couldn't pick things up, avoided eating with a spoon for fear of dropping things, etc. It's mostly gone now save for periods of intense worry and over-focus.

In January, my latest episode started. First stomach issues. Lots of gurgling, changing bowel habits, acid reflux. Then the pins and needles in my foot started. I would sometimes wake up with nearly numb hands, but those would go away really quickly. Felt weak. Sometimes eyes would feel blurry, or my ears would feel full, but nothing ever stuck around, although the pins and needles persisted for a long time (still come and go). My stomach issues are still around and I am getting a colonoscopy on Monday to check mostly for colitis (although I am of course assuming it will be cancer of some sort). I've also developed a very unpleasant bout of insomnia, and feel like crying ALL THE TIME.

My main fear was MS like so many others. I mean, my symptoms fit, right? Sensory issues, stomach issues, eye blurriness, ear fullness. My GP is so wonderfully patient and does not think that's what it is. Says the onset and resolution of symptoms just don't follow the trajectory. And now with my stomach issues, the other stuff has kind of faded away or into the background. My GP said that she'd refer me to a neurologist for peace of mind, but has talked to me about meds a few times, and I think I need to consider it at this point. She's run bloods, checked vitals, etc.

Then I read about someone's Parkinson's diagnosis and saw that my symptoms and onset could match that. Cue panic. That's where I am at now. Just utterly terrified that I have early onset Parkinson's (I'm 33, female). How could this really be anything else? It's just one thing after the other, and I'm convinced it's got to do with my brain.

I have gone to therapy on and off for years (very much on right now). I exercise, try to eat right, stay away from alcohol and caffeine, and do things that I enjoy with friends. With all of this self care, how can this just be anxiety? There seems to be a lot going wrong at the same time, and I feel so helpless and hopeless.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could feel better. I'm not sure why I typed this other than to see it all in one place. I know no one can diagnose anything here, but reading all of the above, does it really seem to anyone like this could be all mental health related?

Thanks, community. I'm sad to be here (or sad to be anxious), but grateful a place like this exists.

[Phuzella]

That was so easy to read, I mean the paragraphs, how you explained everything etc :). To me it sounds just like anxiety, I don't have any magic answers but try mindfulness meditation perhaps? When I do it I find it very helpful :)

[AnxiousinCali]

That was so easy to read, I mean the paragraphs, how you explained everything etc :). To me it sounds just like anxiety, I don't have any magic answers but try mindfulness meditation perhaps? When I do it I find it very helpful :)

Thank you so much for the quick reply. It really did make me feel better just to see someone reach out like that! And I do like writing, so I am glad that comes through :)

I love mindfulness - thank you for the reminder to practice it! When I do yin yoga (similarly mindful process), I feel so relaxed and so much better.

Ack, this feeling that something is trying to get me is absolutely the worst!

[Phuzella]

Definitely keep up the writing, mindfulness and yoga. I need to practise what I preach :D .
The thing that's trying to get you is the anxiety, but that's part of you so I find working with it rather than fighting against it works better. Not easy I know but hang in there :)

[AnxiousinCali]

Thanks, again. A rough morning with this anxiety, that's for sure.

Have you tried any yoga nidra? It's a meditation practice - tons of YT videos on it. It's so, so wonderful.

Is there a thread on this forum yet for mindfulness meditation links and tips? Could be helpful!

[Carys]

Hiyer AnxiousinCali,

I'm so sorry that you feel kind of, out of place and out of sorts and definitely fed up with your themes of anxious times. I think you are a very deep thinking person, very analytical, conscientious, thoughtful, sensitive and possibly sound like you have some low self-esteem or confidence issues. I might be off the mark but thats kind of how your post comes across. I really hope that you are finding your therapy is helping you at the moment, and there is nothign I can probably add that will help as you are already having professional help. However, I wanted to say Hi and didn't want to walk past after having read your life account without saying a few words.

I am wondering though - if you've ever considered finding out your personality type on the Myers-Briggs psychological indicator? The reason I mention this, and forgive me if you already know about it, is that it sounds a little to me as if you are kind of not feeling happy with your personality type and feel that you don't quite 'fit in' and worry that you aren't 'like others'. I might be wrong of course, and reading things into this post which aren't there, so please feel free to tell me if I'm off the mark. The Myers-Briggs tells you (it is done usually by trained people who spend time explaining the outcomes) where you fit in 16 personality types, and sometimes you are ina more common group, and sometimes in a much less common group. It is being in the less common groups that can make people feel like they are 'different'. My daughter did the tests a couple of years ago, and it really helped her accept that she had a personality type that was different from the more common ones, and it explained why she found certain types of social interactions and activities harder than her friends seemed to, BUT she had some very specific strengths and abilities that came with that type. Once you know the type you fit into, there are mindfulness things specific to you and it gives you forward action to help build skills in the other areas. ANyway, just mentioning it in passing really.

There is a user on here called 'mynameisterry', on his signature , at the bottom he has linked to various mindfulness things.

[AnxiousinCali]

Hi Carys - thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, and kind words.

I am definitely feeling low on confidence and self esteem at the moment. It's funny because people who meet me would have no idea! At work, I'm a strong, competent leader, and I have a rich, deep social circle. But that doesn't stop the way I feel inside, and I think you were perceptive to pick up on those issues. I'm trying to massage them out with my therapist, but this stuff just keeps slamming me in the face :/

I took the Myers Briggs test a while ago, and I think I am in the category that is the rarest type (INFJ). Go figure! I hadn't thought about those results in a while, but it's something to ponder again. I did not know there were exercises related to each type; I'll look into them for sure.

[Carys]

I took the Myers Briggs test a while ago, and I think I am in the category that is the rarest type (INFJ)

Ahhhhha, I thought you might be - my daughter was too - and it put things into place for her. At the time (she was a teenager then and felt she couldn't fit in) it confirmed to her that she wasn't 'wrong' just 'different'.

[AnxiousinCali]

Your daughter must be fantastic then ;)

I started reading up on the type again this AM, and it certainly still applies. Thanks again for the recommendation. I'm coming out of this morning's haze a bit, but I know I have a ways to go.

[Carys]

Your daughter must be fantastic then :wink:Yeah, she really is, shes the most adorable, wonderful, loving and special young woman - she is loved beyond measure by all who know her. I'm sure you are the same ! :)

Stick around, we will try and help you as best we can through the tough times.

[worriermama]

Hi there,

My mom has Parkinson’s. I know almost everything about the disease. You don’t have it. :)

[AnxiousinCali]

Thanks again for all of the replies.

worriermama - thank you for your reply, and I'm sorry to hear your mother has Parkinson's. I hope she's fairing well! Everyone around me (medical professionals, too) have told me how unlikely these issues are for someone at my level of health and age. And when I read replies like yours, I feel a rush of relief. But I really want to learn to preserve that, and not always fear for my health or safety!

Anyways, this support is really helping.

I hope you all are having better days than me!