AnxiousinCali
09-05-18, 13:36
I tried so hard to resist posting because I don't want to get caught in a reassurance loop, and not learn to self soothe. But I have been at this for a few months, and am having such a hard time. Thoughts, ideas, and whatever else are greatly appreciated.
I've always been an anxious person. When my mom would travel when I was younger, I would be convinced that she would die in a plane crash. I've been nervous in a lot of social situations, and avoided dating when I was a teen. It was easily covered then because I was well liked and fairly popular, but I always felt off. As long as I avoided certain situations, though, I felt okay.
My first episode of intense anxiety started with some bowel issues in college as well as lots of itching all over. It was triggered by a dating/rejection situation, and lasted a really long time.
My second period of intense anxiety started with another dating scenario (recurring theme much?), and resulted in tiredness, sleeplessness, and general malaise. I had my first period of "GET OUT" type of anxiety (you know, where you feel like you just need to leave the situation you're in immediately) around that time.
Then it just kind of continued from there. Sleeplessness in grad school, worries I wasn't good enough, shaking when I needed to present, always worried I'd say the wrong things. Again, was very good at covering this up, so I am pretty sure no one was the wise (myself included).
My first panic attack followed...another dating situation. Shot up in bed after a few months of dating, couldn't connect with my boyfriend, kind of went catatonic for a few days. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was awful, and led to an extended period of anxiety with ebbs and flows.
Anyways, I write all of this to claim my history. I get it. Dating triggers intense anxiety for me, but only in the last few months did it become health anxiety. Last year I had a tremor. Alternating hands, was worried I couldn't pick things up, avoided eating with a spoon for fear of dropping things, etc. It's mostly gone now save for periods of intense worry and over-focus.
In January, my latest episode started. First stomach issues. Lots of gurgling, changing bowel habits, acid reflux. Then the pins and needles in my foot started. I would sometimes wake up with nearly numb hands, but those would go away really quickly. Felt weak. Sometimes eyes would feel blurry, or my ears would feel full, but nothing ever stuck around, although the pins and needles persisted for a long time (still come and go). My stomach issues are still around and I am getting a colonoscopy on Monday to check mostly for colitis (although I am of course assuming it will be cancer of some sort). I've also developed a very unpleasant bout of insomnia, and feel like crying ALL THE TIME.
My main fear was MS like so many others. I mean, my symptoms fit, right? Sensory issues, stomach issues, eye blurriness, ear fullness. My GP is so wonderfully patient and does not think that's what it is. Says the onset and resolution of symptoms just don't follow the trajectory. And now with my stomach issues, the other stuff has kind of faded away or into the background. My GP said that she'd refer me to a neurologist for peace of mind, but has talked to me about meds a few times, and I think I need to consider it at this point. She's run bloods, checked vitals, etc.
Then I read about someone's Parkinson's diagnosis and saw that my symptoms and onset could match that. Cue panic. That's where I am at now. Just utterly terrified that I have early onset Parkinson's (I'm 33, female). How could this really be anything else? It's just one thing after the other, and I'm convinced it's got to do with my brain.
I have gone to therapy on and off for years (very much on right now). I exercise, try to eat right, stay away from alcohol and caffeine, and do things that I enjoy with friends. With all of this self care, how can this just be anxiety? There seems to be a lot going wrong at the same time, and I feel so helpless and hopeless.
I wish I could sleep. I wish I could feel better. I'm not sure why I typed this other than to see it all in one place. I know no one can diagnose anything here, but reading all of the above, does it really seem to anyone like this could be all mental health related?
Thanks, community. I'm sad to be here (or sad to be anxious), but grateful a place like this exists.
I've always been an anxious person. When my mom would travel when I was younger, I would be convinced that she would die in a plane crash. I've been nervous in a lot of social situations, and avoided dating when I was a teen. It was easily covered then because I was well liked and fairly popular, but I always felt off. As long as I avoided certain situations, though, I felt okay.
My first episode of intense anxiety started with some bowel issues in college as well as lots of itching all over. It was triggered by a dating/rejection situation, and lasted a really long time.
My second period of intense anxiety started with another dating scenario (recurring theme much?), and resulted in tiredness, sleeplessness, and general malaise. I had my first period of "GET OUT" type of anxiety (you know, where you feel like you just need to leave the situation you're in immediately) around that time.
Then it just kind of continued from there. Sleeplessness in grad school, worries I wasn't good enough, shaking when I needed to present, always worried I'd say the wrong things. Again, was very good at covering this up, so I am pretty sure no one was the wise (myself included).
My first panic attack followed...another dating situation. Shot up in bed after a few months of dating, couldn't connect with my boyfriend, kind of went catatonic for a few days. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was awful, and led to an extended period of anxiety with ebbs and flows.
Anyways, I write all of this to claim my history. I get it. Dating triggers intense anxiety for me, but only in the last few months did it become health anxiety. Last year I had a tremor. Alternating hands, was worried I couldn't pick things up, avoided eating with a spoon for fear of dropping things, etc. It's mostly gone now save for periods of intense worry and over-focus.
In January, my latest episode started. First stomach issues. Lots of gurgling, changing bowel habits, acid reflux. Then the pins and needles in my foot started. I would sometimes wake up with nearly numb hands, but those would go away really quickly. Felt weak. Sometimes eyes would feel blurry, or my ears would feel full, but nothing ever stuck around, although the pins and needles persisted for a long time (still come and go). My stomach issues are still around and I am getting a colonoscopy on Monday to check mostly for colitis (although I am of course assuming it will be cancer of some sort). I've also developed a very unpleasant bout of insomnia, and feel like crying ALL THE TIME.
My main fear was MS like so many others. I mean, my symptoms fit, right? Sensory issues, stomach issues, eye blurriness, ear fullness. My GP is so wonderfully patient and does not think that's what it is. Says the onset and resolution of symptoms just don't follow the trajectory. And now with my stomach issues, the other stuff has kind of faded away or into the background. My GP said that she'd refer me to a neurologist for peace of mind, but has talked to me about meds a few times, and I think I need to consider it at this point. She's run bloods, checked vitals, etc.
Then I read about someone's Parkinson's diagnosis and saw that my symptoms and onset could match that. Cue panic. That's where I am at now. Just utterly terrified that I have early onset Parkinson's (I'm 33, female). How could this really be anything else? It's just one thing after the other, and I'm convinced it's got to do with my brain.
I have gone to therapy on and off for years (very much on right now). I exercise, try to eat right, stay away from alcohol and caffeine, and do things that I enjoy with friends. With all of this self care, how can this just be anxiety? There seems to be a lot going wrong at the same time, and I feel so helpless and hopeless.
I wish I could sleep. I wish I could feel better. I'm not sure why I typed this other than to see it all in one place. I know no one can diagnose anything here, but reading all of the above, does it really seem to anyone like this could be all mental health related?
Thanks, community. I'm sad to be here (or sad to be anxious), but grateful a place like this exists.