SA3695
09-05-18, 23:35
I'm sort of scared to write this as I've suffered from anxiety for years but never written anything on a forum before. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder in succession when I was 15 although I strongly suspect I suffered from at least social anxiety and GAD before I was diagnosed. I was also diagnosed with mild depression a year later. I'm currently on sertraline 50mg and have been for 2 years, but I have recently become increasingly aware of how much my anxiety has affected me in so many different areas of my life- namely the belief and fear- which underpins my mood literally every day of my life, that something bad is going to happen. When I am happy I cant enjoy it, when I do something good or complete the work I've assigned myself, I convince myself that it doesnt matter, that its not an achievement and most importantly that I cant be happy for too long because something bad is going to happen soon. It literally happens every single time I do something good, I cant reward myself or be proud of myself because something bads going to happen soon so whats the point of being happy. Like I suppose I view it as common sense, when I do something good and feel good, the only way to go from there is down. Its so hard to actually describe it but it has controlled my life for the past 10 years, even with relationships. Things are going good with my partner, therefore I need to brace myself for it going bad, which will inevitably happen soon as things are too good. I feel like Im living my life in a box, certain things that are possible for other people, in their lives without this way of thinking and anxiety, are just not possible for me. Ive tried CBT in the past but to no avail, and while my medication helps this constant 'youre too happy, so things are going to go bad soon' controls my entire life and everything in it. It also means that happiness is fleeting, and sadness and panic is my near constant emotion. Can anyone recommend anything that might help me? Any advice, ways of dealing with this? I would appreciate it more than you know, thank you for reading xx