Anxiety is making me question my relationship all the time

[molkogirl]

I am having huge problems with my anxiety at the moment, it's making me question my partner and my relationship all the time. I am having thoughts of whether he's manipulating me or controlling me, using me etc. We have been together 20 years and it's only started 18months ago after our holiday.
Last night we were gonna spend some time together, nothing planned just hanging out and his friend got in touch last min to say he was coming round. My partner seemed sorry and said we could do something next week and that it's just cos he's turned him down a lot recently so felt bad doing it again. He doesn't make a habit of cancelling on me either but I just completely flipped, I saw it as a massive big deal, like it was confirmation that he preferred his friends and completely broke down. He ended up cancelling his friend and spending the evening trying to calm me down and reassuring me that nothing was meant by it.
My therapist is not helping at all and is actively encouraging me to make a decision about whether I want to be in the relationship which feels like it's making it worse. I don't know where its all coming from or whether it's real or all imagined a lot of the time. We live together and have children and it's getting really difficult for both us now as he feels like he has to constantly justify and defend himself, he says he doesn't want to leave me and would rather have me anxious than not at all. Can anyone relate or advise? Where is it all coming from and how do I work out what is real and anxiety driven?

[ana]

I can completely relate to how you're feeling. My partner and I have been together for a little over 2 years and he has never given me any reason do doubt him or his fidelity, but I find it difficult to cope when he goes out with his friends for hours at a time. He doesn't drink or do anything dodgy, but I can't stop thinking that he's out just to avoid spending time with me, that he prefers his friends, grandparents, parents, anyone over me! It's honestly exhausting and I don't know why I can't just relax and enjoy the relationship. :weep: He is really good to me and I feel happy when we're together, but it's like I can't stand to be apart...

I believe it all stems from separation anxiety that I've had pretty much my whole life. I'd advise you to start looking at and altering your thought pattern. Try and focus on the positive things about the relationship and just tell yourself that if your partner wanted to leave, he would have left by now as 20 years is a lot of time to spend with someone you don't want to be with. :)

[Tyke]

Relationships need a certain amount of trust and freedom in order to work. People have busy lives and sometimes we need to fit in with them if we want to keep things going. I don't think your partner is wrong to want to go out with his friend, it only becomes unreasonable if it becomes excessive to the point where you are always being second best. Your partner cancelled his meeting to try to reassure you, that is clearly putting your needs first in my book. I can't help feeling you're more likely to drive him away by not allowing him time with others. Couldn't you do the same? Can't you have some time out with friends or family? So far I can't see that your partner has done anything wrong at all. Maybe your therapist should concentrate a bit more on why you feel so insecure rather than questioning your relationship. Do you need to make more friends yourself? Are you relying too much on your partner for all your needs socially?