actualWeeaboo
15-05-18, 11:42
I don't really expect anyone to read this or relate to this long post honestly. Not even sure if GAD is the right tag.
But for years I've had this paranoia about somebody poisoning my food or the water tank - or using some dangerous biological substance in it. Ridiculous, I know. Maybe I'm actually crazy for being like this... I mean, it happens pretty rarely, but I kinda had an episode earlier that I'm still working myself up about and I kinda wanna talk about it a bit...
Thing is, even when this sort of thing occurs, half the time I can still convince myself I'm being silly, and just eat it anyway. And I managed to eat the food, but this time my mind decided to have a mild panic attack afterwards, 'cause I think something's wrong, and I'm just like 'what if the symptoms of whatever is in this takes a while to work' and 'maybe I SHOULDN'T have eaten it, just in case'.
The scenario: It's 6:30pm, it's dark, and I'd gotten some McDonald's, and I left it in the car while I went to get a coffee elsewhere. When I came back, I'm sure I'd locked the car, but as I got in, I noticed the paper bag was open and more upright than I remember. I start to wonder if I put it down in a way were it could unfold naturally like that. I also start wondering if I actually DID lock the car, or if someone could easily unlock an older car like mine if they wanted to during the 5 minutes I was in the cafe just to put something sinister in my food.
Ridiculous, I know.
I start folding down the top, trying to recreate a way it would've just unfolded naturally on it's own. Of course, I can't, so I look inside. Everything looks neatly packed, but how do I know that's how it looked originally if this is the first time I've checked it? I immediately start looking around, being suspicious of the few lively people I see in the area. 'Could they have gotten into my car?' 'How did the key feel when I unlocked the car... Did it FEEL like it unlocked? I can't remember.' 'What would something dangerous in my food even look like. A powder? A liquid?'
Ridiculous, I know.
And then I get home and use my keys in the car lock multiple times to try and jog my memory of what it felt like when I unlocked it earlier. I then proceed doing my best to check every centimetre of the cardboard and food for signs of tampering or foreign substances, despite not knowing what either of those things would even look like.
I manage to convince myself 'it looks clean!' and proceed to eat. I also manage to convince myself that the likelihood of someone breaking into a car to tamper with some McDonald's for a laugh is slim to none. Yet now after eating, I'm panicking slightly about why I'm feeling tired now, after waking up only 5 hours ago and getting 8-9 hours sleep, and am thinking about my breathing a little too much.
I think this whole thing stems from when I was about 10, and I was obsessed with this fear of (and this is actually incredibly ridiculous) spiders dripping poison into food if they were above me on the ceiling or something. Because at the time, that's something I thought spider venom could do - drip from their fangs!
What an idiot, right...?
This paranoia makes me feel like the biggest moron in the world, and it makes it so hard to talk about because of how utterly ridiculous it is. Yet I still have genuine fear about it. Either way, I'm going to try to make an appointment with my therapist and talk to her.
But for years I've had this paranoia about somebody poisoning my food or the water tank - or using some dangerous biological substance in it. Ridiculous, I know. Maybe I'm actually crazy for being like this... I mean, it happens pretty rarely, but I kinda had an episode earlier that I'm still working myself up about and I kinda wanna talk about it a bit...
Thing is, even when this sort of thing occurs, half the time I can still convince myself I'm being silly, and just eat it anyway. And I managed to eat the food, but this time my mind decided to have a mild panic attack afterwards, 'cause I think something's wrong, and I'm just like 'what if the symptoms of whatever is in this takes a while to work' and 'maybe I SHOULDN'T have eaten it, just in case'.
The scenario: It's 6:30pm, it's dark, and I'd gotten some McDonald's, and I left it in the car while I went to get a coffee elsewhere. When I came back, I'm sure I'd locked the car, but as I got in, I noticed the paper bag was open and more upright than I remember. I start to wonder if I put it down in a way were it could unfold naturally like that. I also start wondering if I actually DID lock the car, or if someone could easily unlock an older car like mine if they wanted to during the 5 minutes I was in the cafe just to put something sinister in my food.
Ridiculous, I know.
I start folding down the top, trying to recreate a way it would've just unfolded naturally on it's own. Of course, I can't, so I look inside. Everything looks neatly packed, but how do I know that's how it looked originally if this is the first time I've checked it? I immediately start looking around, being suspicious of the few lively people I see in the area. 'Could they have gotten into my car?' 'How did the key feel when I unlocked the car... Did it FEEL like it unlocked? I can't remember.' 'What would something dangerous in my food even look like. A powder? A liquid?'
Ridiculous, I know.
And then I get home and use my keys in the car lock multiple times to try and jog my memory of what it felt like when I unlocked it earlier. I then proceed doing my best to check every centimetre of the cardboard and food for signs of tampering or foreign substances, despite not knowing what either of those things would even look like.
I manage to convince myself 'it looks clean!' and proceed to eat. I also manage to convince myself that the likelihood of someone breaking into a car to tamper with some McDonald's for a laugh is slim to none. Yet now after eating, I'm panicking slightly about why I'm feeling tired now, after waking up only 5 hours ago and getting 8-9 hours sleep, and am thinking about my breathing a little too much.
I think this whole thing stems from when I was about 10, and I was obsessed with this fear of (and this is actually incredibly ridiculous) spiders dripping poison into food if they were above me on the ceiling or something. Because at the time, that's something I thought spider venom could do - drip from their fangs!
What an idiot, right...?
This paranoia makes me feel like the biggest moron in the world, and it makes it so hard to talk about because of how utterly ridiculous it is. Yet I still have genuine fear about it. Either way, I'm going to try to make an appointment with my therapist and talk to her.