jenny649
15-05-18, 18:16
hi there! i consider myself something of an HA veteran as im about to be 28 and have been struggling on and off with pretty severe healthy anxiety since the age of 16. i am going through a really intense relapse right now and could use some support/encouragement. i used to post a lot on anxietyzone.com and found it helpful.
just for background, ive been worried about most diseases including pretty much every type of cancer but my biggest and longest standing worries were always MS and retinal detachment. i had very real symptoms of MS including perceived weakness, buzzing/tingling feelings in different body parts, numbness, fatigue, and more than i can't remember. after 2 MRIs i was satisfied (for the most part) that i didn't have it. then i moved on to worrying about a retinal detachment. i do have floaters and see flashes and have areas of thinning on my retinas so i am at a greater risk than the general population. i went to my ophthalmologist once a month (scheduling emergency appts) before he said my condition wa stable and i only needed to come yearly.
i was mostly health anxiety free for 5ish years after college. i would have occasional slip ups (i.e. thinking a cyst on my scalp meant i had a brain tumor) but a visit to the GP actually would reassure me.
cut to now. the last few months have been really stressful for me...i started a new position at work and moved out of my parents house. i stared having more flashes/floaters and retinal detachment fears came back. i also started noticing that lights started looking more starbursty/had rays of light coming from them when i was out at night. i made an ophthalmologist appt and she told me my retinas/eyes in general were fine and suggested eye drops and a new prescription to address the lights at night. i felt better for about 10 minutes.
after this appointment, i broke an old rule of mine which is never to under any circumstances google my symptoms. i did and came up with all sorts of diseases of the cornea i could have. there was one specific disease i latched on to. i felt like i had all the symptoms. i just knew it. of course this is a disease where you progressively lose your vision and there is no real cure/treatment.
in a panic i called my ophthalmologist to ask if she examined my cornea. they say they would call me back. i make an appt with my optometrist for the next day. my opthamologist calls back and says yes if she found anything wrong with my cornea she would have mentioned it at the appt. when i got to the optometrist i basically lay out the disease im afraid of. she says it would be very rare in someone my age to show symptoms. she tests my vision and says my prescription has changed a bit and since i have an astigmatism this may change the way i see lights. i ask for a picture/map of my cornea as this was suggested on an online forum i read. she did the test and didn't find anything abnormal. i i order glasses with the new prescription but haven't gotten them yet.
i can't shake this fear that something is very wrong and no one has caught it. i know it's illogical. the other thing is that the starbursts are much less intense without my glasses on and also less intense after i thoroughly clean my glasses. the optometrist says this makes it even less likely there is something wrong with my eye and more likely that there is something wrong with my glasses/prescription.
i am spiraling. it's all i can think about. i work until 8pm and drive home every night in the dark. i dread it so much because all i think about the whole time is that what im seeing isn't normal and the only explanation is this disease. i can't relax. i am very frustrated with myself that ive gotten back to this place after years of doing well
i don't know exactly what i want from this post. i know reassurance doesn't help and that's not really what im looking for. maybe support or encouragement Or someone who can relate. i am feeling so lost and alone and paralyzed with fear right now. if anyone actually read this whole long rambling post then thank you so much for listening....it really means the world to me just to reach out to others who can relate.
just for background, ive been worried about most diseases including pretty much every type of cancer but my biggest and longest standing worries were always MS and retinal detachment. i had very real symptoms of MS including perceived weakness, buzzing/tingling feelings in different body parts, numbness, fatigue, and more than i can't remember. after 2 MRIs i was satisfied (for the most part) that i didn't have it. then i moved on to worrying about a retinal detachment. i do have floaters and see flashes and have areas of thinning on my retinas so i am at a greater risk than the general population. i went to my ophthalmologist once a month (scheduling emergency appts) before he said my condition wa stable and i only needed to come yearly.
i was mostly health anxiety free for 5ish years after college. i would have occasional slip ups (i.e. thinking a cyst on my scalp meant i had a brain tumor) but a visit to the GP actually would reassure me.
cut to now. the last few months have been really stressful for me...i started a new position at work and moved out of my parents house. i stared having more flashes/floaters and retinal detachment fears came back. i also started noticing that lights started looking more starbursty/had rays of light coming from them when i was out at night. i made an ophthalmologist appt and she told me my retinas/eyes in general were fine and suggested eye drops and a new prescription to address the lights at night. i felt better for about 10 minutes.
after this appointment, i broke an old rule of mine which is never to under any circumstances google my symptoms. i did and came up with all sorts of diseases of the cornea i could have. there was one specific disease i latched on to. i felt like i had all the symptoms. i just knew it. of course this is a disease where you progressively lose your vision and there is no real cure/treatment.
in a panic i called my ophthalmologist to ask if she examined my cornea. they say they would call me back. i make an appt with my optometrist for the next day. my opthamologist calls back and says yes if she found anything wrong with my cornea she would have mentioned it at the appt. when i got to the optometrist i basically lay out the disease im afraid of. she says it would be very rare in someone my age to show symptoms. she tests my vision and says my prescription has changed a bit and since i have an astigmatism this may change the way i see lights. i ask for a picture/map of my cornea as this was suggested on an online forum i read. she did the test and didn't find anything abnormal. i i order glasses with the new prescription but haven't gotten them yet.
i can't shake this fear that something is very wrong and no one has caught it. i know it's illogical. the other thing is that the starbursts are much less intense without my glasses on and also less intense after i thoroughly clean my glasses. the optometrist says this makes it even less likely there is something wrong with my eye and more likely that there is something wrong with my glasses/prescription.
i am spiraling. it's all i can think about. i work until 8pm and drive home every night in the dark. i dread it so much because all i think about the whole time is that what im seeing isn't normal and the only explanation is this disease. i can't relax. i am very frustrated with myself that ive gotten back to this place after years of doing well
i don't know exactly what i want from this post. i know reassurance doesn't help and that's not really what im looking for. maybe support or encouragement Or someone who can relate. i am feeling so lost and alone and paralyzed with fear right now. if anyone actually read this whole long rambling post then thank you so much for listening....it really means the world to me just to reach out to others who can relate.