Major relapse, I could use your wisdom NMP.

[Mindprison]

Hello everyone. Hope you're all well.

I'm writing this today because i'm almost at my wit's end, my brain is stuck in a constant fight with itself and it's gone far enough for me to be stuck in a situation that i'm not sure how to get out of.

Since starting my treatment over a year ago, i've had an escalating fear of medication that is prescribed for me. It started out with fear of side effects to do with my heart and rapidly progressed onto a fear of not taking anything because of a fear that I would be allergic (even if I have taken the medicine before in the past) and end up with anaphylaxis. This fear has now consumed me and is causing me some serious problems.

Two weeks ago, I choked on food, coughed it out, no problem. Then I feared I had inhaled it and vigilantly was waiting for pneumonia or something. It never happened obviously, but since then i've been unable to swallow properly and am losing weight because i'm not eating proper meals, just things that are soft and easy to swallow. My doctor thinks this is being caused by overwhelming levels of anxiety that is in turn causing Globus Hystericus, I agree. Which brings me to my next point.

I was on Mirtazapine a long time, almost 3 years. My psychiatrist and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't really doing anything for my anxiety or my depression and decided to change it. I went on Venlafaxine briefly and ended up off it again a week later because I was hypersensitive. My blood pressure shot up to 200/120 and my pulse was at a constant 130bpm, so much for that.

I requested to go on Escitalopram, as I was on it when I first had panic attacks and it seemed to work quite well. The problem? I can't take it...my mind refuses. Every time I go to take it or try to psyche myself up into taking it, my mind will shut me down and tell me that i'll be allergic to it or it'll kill me.

I procrastinated about it for too long and paid the price. On sunday I ended up with the worst PVCs i've ever had in my life. Runs of 4 of them that went away when I stood up. I ended up at my mothers house at 4 in the morning in a panic because I was convinced something was wrong with my heart.

I've been on basically nothing for 6 weeks and my anxiety is obviously the worst it has ever been, as i'm not actually taking anything to counteract it (pregabalin isn't really doing much for me).

I have no idea how to get over this fear. My therapy is over and he suggested I do CBT instead of Mindfulness as all my problems are thought based, my psychiatrist is on holiday for 3 weeks and my GP practice refuses to refer me as it'll take too long but the psych can do it quicker because i'm known to them.

I went to see my own GP on Tuesday, just for a chat about all this. He was sympathetic with me and said that the PVCs are more than likely caused by my body trying to deal with my ridiculous anxiety levels unaided and that when I am stable on the escitalopram, they will fade away. He was unsure about how to deal with the medication allergy fear and suggested that I have a small course of diazepam to take while I start the escitalopram, to ease the anxiety and side effects I may have. Of course...i'm scared to take them too.

Short of going up to the hospital every day (which is expensive) and taking them there for 3 weeks, I don't know what else I can do to stop myself from being convinced that taking any of those meds will be the death of me.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I would be eternally grateful for any advice that you could give me. I'm not a desperate man and i'm not an emotional man, but when a 28 year old man spends 3 days in tears to the point where his father also ends up in tears, something has to give here.

Many thanks.

[Zoe01708]

Hi, so sorry you are struggling. Can you afford to go private and see a psychiatrist at the priory.......it usually cost about £160 each half hour session, but you could see them once and then keep in contact over the phone instead of paying to see him/her. This is what I do, I email him to ring me and he always has regarding my medication

I know it's really hard and I feel partly the same, but you have to remember that these medications have been extremely tested and have helped millions of people without any problems........the side effects do go and even if you do have an adverse reaction, you can check the pamphlet and if it is an adverse reaction then stop the medication.......it's usually rashes, swelling etc.

I hope I have helped a little bit, message me if you would like to talk.
Take care

[clio51]

Hey age as nothing to do with it, im 60 and i cried hundreds if times. Thing is nobody knows exactly what we go through/feel, ss much ad they love us.

Medication frightens me also, dont really know why exactly maybe because its f.... with your brain mechanics.
Ive only reasly been as frightened as i am now since being poorly back in 2011 when cipralex i think stopped working.
I got referred to psych via nhs and was put on quetipine, that made me faint. Then they tried promazine that gave me terrible headaches and jaw ache. Then venlafaxine (which I’m still on)
I don’t get health anxiety taking them, I just don’t like the thought of the SE they give me
Scared stiff
I hate being on venlafaxine, it’s so potent
I’m having an episode of depression/anxiety at the mo. Got to desperate stage and upped the venlafaxine to 187.5mg (which I was scared off) I stayed on it for 7 weeks with the help of diazepam for SE but I didn’t feel any different really . Apart from heavy chest sensations
(Not palps) and headaches. So came back down to 150mg been on it 19 days now also having diazepam with it at 2mg.

Ex psych won’t see me again, told gp to up venlafaxine to 225mg now way
I’ve been to a&e twice been seen by RAID team and still psych for my area(there’s only 1 )
Won’t see me again. It like she’s the queen!!!!

I really am doing it day by day, so up and down.

What about something herbal then? Or is it any pills

[Mindprison]

Thank you for the replies.

Zoe - thank you. Sadly I cant even justify paying for private CBT let alone seeing a private psychiatrist. My financial situation isn't great. It's probably not a good idea because there would no doubt be conflicting issues. The actual medication isn't the real problem, it's my mind's attitude towards it.

Clio - sorry to hear you've been struggling too. I suppose im more scared of the allergy thing than other side effects. I already know my heart is good and my QT interval is perfect so there's no way escitalopram will cause problems there. I dont even remember if I had side effects when I was on them 9 or so years ago.

It's definitely all pills. Im even reluctant to use topical medicines for the same reason. I tried herbal remedies in the past and they didn't even dent my anxiety.

A little ironic that medicine to calm me down like diazepam gives me so much anxiety about taking it.

The worst part is that I am fully aware of how rational all this is, but my brain has just plugged it's ears and is going "la la la I can't hear you because i'm right and you're not"

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear you have had a backslide, Mindprison. :hugs:

Do you, or have you had, issues like this with putting other things in your body e.g. food, drinks, vitamins & minerals, etc? The reason I ask if when my breakdown finally went rock bottom I found myself unable to take my asthma meds, vitamin C (the most unlikely thing to affect me), paracetamol, eat foods or change to different foods, etc.

It was a need to control and fear of loss on control on steroids! It was far worse in my relapse and I would be noticing any change in bodily sensations when I ate. The first few weeks of that were really bad (had just started Duloxetine which upped my anxiety worse than ever by a long way) and I had to intently stare at the TV power button as I ate to get me through it. After a few weeks of doing this it became easier but then making changes to foods was an issue still.

I remember the first time this all started was because I was lifting weights and using various supplements (all legal) but I added a new one that was for advanced lifters only and it was just too strong for me. The result was a massive 30 minute adrenal rush with my chest tight. That set the scene for the worry about reactions to putting things in my body - once they are in I have to ride them out and cannot do anything.

There are ways to address the thoughts around this but I've found it's really about exposure work. Building up through different supplements.

Meds are an obvious worry with all this. Sadly even putting a helpful benzo in your mouth brings that same worry and often you can find benzo's struggle to work with the wrong mindset. Even anxiety over the med calming you down happens "what is this feeling, aaarrghhhh???!!!).

I wonder if you could ease yourself into this by having a safe person with you? And things that help you to feel safe e.g. things you can touch/hold for reassurance? It's a crutch but sometimes crutches are needed until we are a bit better so we can work on removing them.

[Mindprison]

Hi Terry, thank you for your excellent reply.

I think you're right in that a part of it is about control with me as well. I overthink it and imagine every possible scenario where control is taken from me and as you say once it's in your body there is no going back. Come good or ill the only choice is to let it run its course. This extends to both food and meds right now. Food from fear of choking (loss of control) and pills from choking and anaphylaxis (loss of control).

I haven't eaten a full meal for nearly 3 weeks all because I choked once and not even that badly. I considered picking up something like ensure to keep my calories up while i'm dealing with this.

It's obviously causing bowel issues as well, haven't gone in like 5 days because i'm just not eating enough. Which brings it's own host of worries.

I know i'm going to have to bite the bullet sooner rather than later when it comes to my meds, I definitely am overaware of everything in my body and know the minute I take them i'll be on high alert.

The issue is that i'm on my own a lot of the time. If I want to kick the anaphylaxis fear i'll probably just have to take them in the doctor's office and wait a while. A bit drastic but I have to start somewhere.

I have a good feeling when the meds start working i'll be in a better position to deal with my eating properly, it's getting there that's the first hurdle.

[ankietyjoe]

My take on anxiety after suffering and (almost completely) beating it over a 10 year period is that medication is unlikely to work in the long term, and an anxiety disorder is a habitual, self-sustaining habit of thought.

If the meds aren't working, why not make the decision to come off them?

I think only then can you focus on the practice of recovery (and it does take prolonged, sustained practice).

For me it took 3-4 years of meditation, acceptance, diet and lifestyle change. I spent too long looking for a quick fix or something that would miraculously end my suffering, but it's not out there. It's just not.

Once I accepted where I was and what I had to do, it actually got a lot easier. The idea that all suffering is temporary came as a great relief to me. I could handle a day, or even a week of bad anxiety because I knew at some point it would end, and it did.

[Anxiousamyj]

Joe,
Your reply is so insightful. I think the habitual part of HA might be the hardest to overcome. My therapist was telling me that obsessive and repeated thought patters actually make new neural pathways so our brains can shortcut us more easily to these thought patterns. That's why we have to make new ones. I'm struggling at the moment, but I haven't gone as low as in the past, and feel as though I might be able to claw my way out of this one. My CBT therapist and I agreed on several behaviors that are off limits, and as long as I follow this, I usually do ok. Lately I've fallen off the wagon on the obsessive body checking and googling, as well as questioning things the doctor has already investigated. I appreciate replies like yours, as it does show a very hopeful outcome if one is willing to put in the hard work.

[Mindprison]

Appreciate the replies.

It's true that meds aren't for everyone but it's certainly not a coincidence that my problems went away with citalopram and came back 8 years later when I switched them to Mirtazapine. It could be argued that the meds were masking it but I felt completely normal during that whole time.

The meds work for me personally but i'm scared of taking them for an irrational reason. I don't care if I end up on meds for my anxiety the rest of my life as long as they work. Is it a crutch? Maybe, but it's one that gave me a normal life and right now that's all I want.

[ankietyjoe]

Joe,
Your reply is so insightful. I think the habitual part of HA might be the hardest to overcome. My therapist was telling me that obsessive and repeated thought patters actually make new neural pathways so our brains can shortcut us more easily to these thought patterns. That's why we have to make new ones. I'm struggling at the moment, but I haven't gone as low as in the past, and feel as though I might be able to claw my way out of this one. My CBT therapist and I agreed on several behaviors that are off limits, and as long as I follow this, I usually do ok. Lately I've fallen off the wagon on the obsessive body checking and googling, as well as questioning things the doctor has already investigated. I appreciate replies like yours, as it does show a very hopeful outcome if one is willing to put in the hard work.

That's pretty much it, and the cornerstone of CBT and meditation. People often confuse meditation with being a relaxation technique, which it's not. It's active brain rewiring. It's simply re-teaching your brain to not react to things and acceptance. The idea that you have to spend time creating new neural pathways is spot on, and is 100% effective, with effort.


Appreciate the replies.

It's true that meds aren't for everyone but it's certainly not a coincidence that my problems went away with citalopram and came back 8 years later when I switched them to Mirtazapine. It could be argued that the meds were masking it but I felt completely normal during that whole time.

The meds work for me personally but i'm scared of taking them for an irrational reason. I don't care if I end up on meds for my anxiety the rest of my life as long as they work. Is it a crutch? Maybe, but it's one that gave me a normal life and right now that's all I want.

The point I was trying to make (and it's only my opinion based on years of research) is that meds aren't effective in the long term. At some point, they need to be increased, altered or stopped. Now if it works for you then great, but I know there are other ways to cope too, ways that don't react to a relapse. I must have had a dozen relapses in the last 5 years or so, but they appear further and further apart, and recently they don't seem to be re-appearing at all.

My work puts me in contact with people from all over the world, and one of those contacts is a biologist who specialises in cancer research, who also happens to suffer from bad anxiety and depression. She has stated on many occasions that no trial for medication has shown any greater success than placebo, when success is measured as a cure rather than a short term managing of symptoms. At some point the patient needs to re-teach themselves to think in a non anxious way. Although it's hard, it's by no means impossible, this is something I proved to myself.

As I mentioned earlier, this way of thinking is the cornerstone to ALL CBT and meditation. It's just something that requires long term commitment, and an acceptance that recovery will not be linear, and relapses will happen.

You felt better once, and you WILL feel better again. :)

[Pkstracy]

I have this issue as well. I got off my meds and am able to meditate and find stuff to keep busy, I do have some bad days. I also haven't eaten much in the last month with worry about how high sodium is in food and what sodium does to the body, I hope you get better, perhaps, as someone said have someone there with you, or something you can hold when you take the meds

[MyNameIsTerry]

My work puts me in contact with people from all over the world, and one of those contacts is a biologist who specialises in cancer research, who also happens to suffer from bad anxiety and depression. She has stated on many occasions that no trial for medication has shown any greater success than placebo, when success is measured as a cure rather than a short term managing of symptoms. At some point the patient needs to re-teach themselves to think in a non anxious way. Although it's hard, it's by no means impossible, this is something I proved to myself.

The drug companies wouldn't be interested in that, they just want to get it licenced and rolling the bucks in. I've read enough studies and they are always short term and remove numbers of people who fail...and you have to wonder whether those who seem to drop out are those the med isn't working for :winks: But the trial won't care about them.

Besides, these meds were never intended for anxiety. But long term how many even bother to study a defined "cure" as opposed to a treatment? A treatment gets you doing better and then if the drug is pulled and you relapse you just become another fresh statistic unless it's a study of recurrent cases. How many study the long term? That's not good business in a drug market but we would hope our NHS are interested in saving all those billions (putting doctors out of work perhaps in the process?) but if not governments should be happy to save cash for somewhere else?

Meds to me are a helper, a tool in the toolbox. I agree with you, it's learnt. We work on rewiring what has been learnt that tells us to be anxious when we don't need to be. Meds can help put the patient in a better state to start this given we are what are chemicals are doing, they can encourage a better environment, but beyond that it's luck if you come off them and are fine. I've always suspected those that do that have addressed the issues more subtly without realising.

Some people need the help from a med. Those who are so obsessive that they just can't seem to see outside of their issues or those who just can't cope are cases for this. It's just a shame they are so hit & miss and can make you worse initially, or even worse long term for some unlucky people. For some, going on meds make be a mistake they look back on. I know I have felt that.

---------- Post added at 02:32 ---------- Previous post was at 02:16 ----------


Hi Terry, thank you for your excellent reply.

I think you're right in that a part of it is about control with me as well. I overthink it and imagine every possible scenario where control is taken from me and as you say once it's in your body there is no going back. Come good or ill the only choice is to let it run its course. This extends to both food and meds right now. Food from fear of choking (loss of control) and pills from choking and anaphylaxis (loss of control).

I haven't eaten a full meal for nearly 3 weeks all because I choked once and not even that badly. I considered picking up something like ensure to keep my calories up while i'm dealing with this.

It's obviously causing bowel issues as well, haven't gone in like 5 days because i'm just not eating enough. Which brings it's own host of worries.

I know i'm going to have to bite the bullet sooner rather than later when it comes to my meds, I definitely am overaware of everything in my body and know the minute I take them i'll be on high alert.

The issue is that i'm on my own a lot of the time. If I want to kick the anaphylaxis fear i'll probably just have to take them in the doctor's office and wait a while. A bit drastic but I have to start somewhere.

I have a good feeling when the meds start working i'll be in a better position to deal with my eating properly, it's getting there that's the first hurdle.

I'm afraid to say it does tend to reach a point where you have to force yourself with these things. I felt like that when I relapsed and remembered how bad I was starting Citalopram. But whilst me next med was an even harder experience I had resigned myself to just fighting through each day, hating it but knowing what it was, whereas the first time I didn't know much about all this and that definitely added to my negative thinking.

Taking them somewhere safe is a good idea. Don't worry about creating a safety behaviour now if it gets you started because you will find your anxiety gets better and you tackle that safety behaviour.

Why not ask the surgery? I remember Annie on here had an excellent surgery who responded by giving her extra support when in the surgery. I think they let her into a room with someone to help her get through it? I might be wrong there but from what she described they were really receptive the patient needs when it came to anxiety.

Then when you feel you can, start making goals to get yourself further away from there and closer to home. It doesn't have to be a big leap, you can use ERP to stage it.

Whether you want meds or not is an individual question, and can spark anxiety of it's own, but I agree with Joe that some people find it better off them. I think pulisa has found this. It depends if you find help from the med. If that med has helped you in the past there is a reason to try it again but if it's a negative experience there is always other things to try and med free may be one for all of us on here?

Swallowing & breathing seem to be very common focusses for us. I can remember the whole "something feels stuck" sensation which is really just because it has scraped on the way down. And I know people without anxiety who have trouble taking pills, or certain types, because of swallowing worries.

There may even be other strategies for this. My dog doesn't always like pills and he's so sneaky he will pretend to swallow them, put them under his tongue, and then sneaks off behind the settee and we find one later! The vets told us to conceal the pills in foods. My med is a capsule full of tiny beads that irritate the throat and I once mentioned how this will be a pain when I withdraw and our meds guru (who seems to have left, sadly) recommended apple sauce to get them down. I wonder whether you could create an Adaptive Strategy, which isn't a safety behaviour as it's the healthy method to put in place instead of a safety behaviour, to get you through this? It's something to change again later but maybe there are options you haven't considered yet?

[pulisa]

It's so hard to know what to do re taking meds for anxiety. My son has recently started escitalopram after a major crisis and it does seem to be helping him (his anxiety has never been severe in the past though). I think for chronic anxiety sufferers it is a different scenario and taking meds has the potential to make anxiety worse. My GP recognises this with me but it is obviously just my response and doesn't apply to everyone.
I think it's important to remember that meds aren't essential to improvement-you don't have to take them. If you took away that pressure you may be able to make a plan about what you want to do with help from someone who you are close to? Having support and feeling supported can help so much when panic is overwhelming and you don't know what to do for the best.

[Mindprison]

Thanks for the replies all.

I will try and come up with some kind of plan to start taking them, i'm not overly worried about them increasing my anxiety to begin with because i'll know it's the pills and that it will fade. In an ideal world I would rather not have to take anything but knowing how much they have helped me before i'm desperate to try anything to get myself going again.

Interesting that some of the surgeries offer extra support like that, my surgery is quite small so i'm not sure if they could offer anything like that but I will call them up to ask. I think maybe just knowing that if something were to happen i'm surrounded by medical professionals would be enough to push me into taking them. Safety behaviour is something i've actively tried to avoid but maybe in this case it's called for.

My anxiety is chronic but I feel like the meds worked in the background to keep it under control all those years. My mother is the same, she has been on Citalopram for a long time and they never stopped working. I remember before she went on them she refused to leave the house and spent every day pacing and crying.

Maybe it's all placebo, who can say? But if that placebo is strong enough for me to live my life then it's worth it, to me anyway.

I do plan on doing CBT as soon as my psychiatrist returns from holiday and I can get it arranged. Today it's antidepressants but in the future it could be antibiotics you know? Best I stop this now before it goes any further.

Appreciate the replies everyone, hopefully I can work through this sooner rather than later.

[Pkstracy]

Read my thread called Totally off meds in the success area. I am still coping without them, though I do still get anxious at times

[pulisa]

Whether ADs act as a placebo or not it's all about your quality of life, MindPrison. If you believe ADs help you then that's every incentive to start them up again asap. Don't overthink or catastrophise-just focus on getting better because there is every chance that escitalopram will help you again.

[ankietyjoe]

Read my thread called Totally off meds in the success area. I am still coping without them, though I do still get anxious at times


Whether ADs act as a placebo or not it's all about your quality of life, MindPrison. If you believe ADs help you then that's every incentive to start them up again asap. Don't overthink or catastrophise-just focus on getting better because there is every chance that escitalopram will help you again.

Here's my problem with just relying on meds. Even if they do work, there is a likelihood that after a while, they won't. Or that their efficacy will change. Or that life throws you something that means you get stressed, react with anxiety and run to the Doctor saying the meds aren't working any more. This is inevitable, at some point. The goal must be to have a portable tool that's inside you that can cope with the anxiety.

Pkstracy mentioned being off meds and still experiencing anxiety. That's fine. There is no imaginable scenario where a person will be free from anxiety for ever. Your flight or fight system is designed to give you that anxiety. It's how we react to that sensation that's the issue, not the anxiety itself. My personal belief is that this is a Universal truth. It's something that we have to learn in order to recover. Medication does not teach you how to do that, you are relying on something to mask the unpleasant sensations that WILL return at some point.

I know I sound like a broken record, but these techniques do work, and given enough practice and effort can't fail. Your entire brain and nervous system adapts to the information WE provide it, and if you keep telling it you're fine, it WILL believe you after a while.

[Mindprison]

Hello everyone

Thought i'd update.

Unfortunately my situation is still fluctuating. The heart skipping has stopped and hasn't happened for around 4 or 5 weeks. I do wonder if it was caused by extended withdrawals from the mirtazapine as I would say my anxiety and depression is worse than it was 2 months ago.

Still can't bring myself to take my medicine and unfortunately this has spread to my PPI meds too. Anaphylaxis has now become my greatest fear and i'm ashamed to say that it's given me a rather grim existential crisis.

Doctors don't know what to do with me now as I refuse to take anything they would prescribe anyway. All they can do is listen to me and try to offer encouragement.

I'll be starting CBT in a couple of weeks, my assessment is on the 19th of this month and the doctor is confident i'll be starting the week after that.

I need this to work. I've got constant dizziness/lightheadedness and derealization, i can't leave the house, my heart races anytime I do anything even just standing up and it's absolutely ruined my life. I've had 2 panic attacks this week that caused my whole body to sieze up and every other day of the week i've been getting that pre-panic numbness and tingling.

I've never worried about anaphylaxis before, but now that i'm too well informed it's become almost a phobia. I know that being too well informed is never a good idea for anxiety, but it's happened now and I can't change it.

If anyone could help me put my mind at ease, even just words of support, comfort or advice about any of this, I couldn't possibly thank you enough. Just til my therapy starts.

I appreciate anything you can give me.

-----------------

Just thought i'd add. I've been worrying a lot more about death and what happens afterward. The thought that we will never know the answer and that it will eventually happen terrifies me. The anaphylaxis fear seems to stem from that. The thought that at any time I can become severely allergic to something and that I could die. It seems to be a control thing as was said before, i can't control my reaction to meds and nor can I control my own mortality...and it scares me.

Can CBT fix this, d'you think?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Shift your focus away from the direct. Work on the indirect to see if it reduces overall levels of anxiety.

I couldn't get anywhere with my OCD until I shifted to work on reduction of my 24/7 sky high daily GAD.

If you can use methods that aim to bring your body down from such a heightened state you might find it helps. Try to calm your overactive system down.

I understand about the impact into meds. I stopped taking my asthma meds due to my escalating anxiety. An asthma attack (thankfully mild) forced me to confront it. Having my parents encourage me so I wasn't alone helped (sometimes we may more likely do something because of someone else rather than procrastinate over our own decisions) as it was just enough pressure with support at the time. It was still hard though.

It may not be ideal depending on the med. With asthma meds there can be immediate side effects (the jitters with some of them which makes you feel anxious) and my GAD was very focussed on stopping any strange sensation in my body. I didn't fear death or illness, I feared the anxiety itself.

So, are there ways to gradually re incorporate your med with issues with side effects? This is a question I would put to your GP.

It's going to come down to an "ease in" strategy and you just finding the courage to start it and keep it going until you get past this stage of the fear. Basically exposure therapy. You will beat it.

You may find if you can calm your system a bit you can try the exposure.

[Mindprison]

Thanks for the response Terry and sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Things reached breaking point shortly after I posted the update.

Long story short my doctor sat with me in a room for an hour and said that my fears are real to me but to take diazepam while I was with him, just to get me started.

After a near mental breakdown I took them and...no reaction, I felt fine. He wants me to stay on them a couple of weeks taking them regularly until I can start my therapy, then I can work on taking my escitalopram.

He said if it ever gets to that stage again just to make an appointment and he will sit with me until we get it sorted.

My focus is on my poor breathing so im still having panic attacks but the daily diazepam reduces their intensity a little.

My phobia still exists, but my doctor did say in all his 30 years of practice he's never met anyone who took a severe reaction to diazepam or escitalopram, so that did bring me some comfort.

I think i'll be taking an extended break from the site until i'm fully recovered. Many thanks to everyone who has offered me advice about all this.

[pulisa]

What wonderful doctor to go the extra mile.

You probably won't read this now but I think it's an excellent idea to come off NMP and concentrate on your recovery. It's one step at a time and diazepam is excellent in just getting the anxiety down a bit so that you feel more "human", Under medical supervision it's absolutely fine to do this and could make all the difference.

Good luck, MindPrison. Wishing you all the very best!