percythetrain
26-05-18, 09:38
Honestly, I don't even believe it's my mental health, I feel like I'm actually extremely ill with an uncommon disease that has yet to be properly diagnosed, but I have to admit that I've been pretty stressed as of late and my mom believes it's due to living with my dad. I don't know what to think. He does have issues that are very different from mine.
If I had to list them all I'd have to write a book but suffice to say that from the moment I have memory (around 6 or 7) my mom has been depressed and crying every day over his lack of empathy (i.e. he reacted to her pregnancy by worrying that she wouldn't be working for a while and asking her to keep it quiet even though they were married, he sent my mom over to the couch when she was in labor because he wasn't able to rest due to her noises, he didn't want any kids of his own yet tried to convince my mom to have a 2nd one when she was pre-menopausal as he thought there might be a financial incentive to it, tried to convince my mom to sell property that my grandfather had bought for me in order to do his thing, he "donated" the entirety of my possessions and my children's when I separated, then claimed he "snapped from the sadness of it all," but slipped and said there was just too much stuff in the house already, which he always complained of).
He's not a physically violent person, he's too smart and cool headed for that. When I was 9 he left the country and didn't even write letters for a year plus, then he started sending post cards with just one phrase on them for another year or so. He wasn't homeless or anything, just doing his own thing. My mom was suicidal because she was very codependent, didn't even think of ending things. She relied on me a lot for support. I'd spend hours trying to calm her down, from around age 10.
Then she followed him abroad with some money she'd saved and we were reunited. I was 14 then and had severe OCD. My dad was very callous. I wrote the authorities asking for shelter for me and my mom, they offered it but she didn't take it. I'd confront my dad about how miserable my mom was, but he'd react with huge moral outrage, calling me a bad person. My mom would then defend him from me. She's not like that anymore. Thank God she's been growing a lot and has since apologized for whatever she did because of her codependency. I'm very proud of her... but that doesn't make me any saner. I don't think I'll ever be, especially not with my dad breathing down my neck, but maybe not ever.
I recently caught him on a phone call with his sister. He was trying to get out of visiting his mom who has Alzheimer's. Was trying to convince his sister that she had been a horrible mother (yeah, he's a haughty, nervy little man). But what really caught me off guard were the reasons he gave for his mother having been a pathetic, cowardly, weak, contemptible, abusive parental figure: her health anxiety. He spoke of her constantly feeling sick and going to hospitals and how that was unacceptable especially if it was all "psychological."
Now he knows I share this trait with my grandmother and I have to wonder if he said all this on purpose, for me to hear. Even if he really was talking about just his mother, it was awful to hear. I keep telling myself that I can't take a narcissist seriously. Someone who has acted like a psychopath his whole life showing moral outrage over some poor devil with anxiety is very illogical. But I have been feeling pretty bad lately and have been wondering whether my mom might be right in thinking it's because of being near him.
Yesterday I called a doctor (we have a service that allows for a few house visits) because I started feeling very lightheaded and I asked him to please leave us alone (from the living room). He stayed put. Then my mom asked him to please go tend to my son. He sat right beside me and stayed put, blank faced. Didn't curse or yell but wanted to make a case that he listens to no one (he never curses because he prefers you to blow up and make him look like the real victim). It was an invasion of privacy. I ended up talking very little with the doctor as I was so very uncomfortable, especially after what he said about people with anxiety.
I understand how in normal situations people should put their blood relatives first but this is a special situation and I think I'm ready to move on and so is my mom this time :)
If I had to list them all I'd have to write a book but suffice to say that from the moment I have memory (around 6 or 7) my mom has been depressed and crying every day over his lack of empathy (i.e. he reacted to her pregnancy by worrying that she wouldn't be working for a while and asking her to keep it quiet even though they were married, he sent my mom over to the couch when she was in labor because he wasn't able to rest due to her noises, he didn't want any kids of his own yet tried to convince my mom to have a 2nd one when she was pre-menopausal as he thought there might be a financial incentive to it, tried to convince my mom to sell property that my grandfather had bought for me in order to do his thing, he "donated" the entirety of my possessions and my children's when I separated, then claimed he "snapped from the sadness of it all," but slipped and said there was just too much stuff in the house already, which he always complained of).
He's not a physically violent person, he's too smart and cool headed for that. When I was 9 he left the country and didn't even write letters for a year plus, then he started sending post cards with just one phrase on them for another year or so. He wasn't homeless or anything, just doing his own thing. My mom was suicidal because she was very codependent, didn't even think of ending things. She relied on me a lot for support. I'd spend hours trying to calm her down, from around age 10.
Then she followed him abroad with some money she'd saved and we were reunited. I was 14 then and had severe OCD. My dad was very callous. I wrote the authorities asking for shelter for me and my mom, they offered it but she didn't take it. I'd confront my dad about how miserable my mom was, but he'd react with huge moral outrage, calling me a bad person. My mom would then defend him from me. She's not like that anymore. Thank God she's been growing a lot and has since apologized for whatever she did because of her codependency. I'm very proud of her... but that doesn't make me any saner. I don't think I'll ever be, especially not with my dad breathing down my neck, but maybe not ever.
I recently caught him on a phone call with his sister. He was trying to get out of visiting his mom who has Alzheimer's. Was trying to convince his sister that she had been a horrible mother (yeah, he's a haughty, nervy little man). But what really caught me off guard were the reasons he gave for his mother having been a pathetic, cowardly, weak, contemptible, abusive parental figure: her health anxiety. He spoke of her constantly feeling sick and going to hospitals and how that was unacceptable especially if it was all "psychological."
Now he knows I share this trait with my grandmother and I have to wonder if he said all this on purpose, for me to hear. Even if he really was talking about just his mother, it was awful to hear. I keep telling myself that I can't take a narcissist seriously. Someone who has acted like a psychopath his whole life showing moral outrage over some poor devil with anxiety is very illogical. But I have been feeling pretty bad lately and have been wondering whether my mom might be right in thinking it's because of being near him.
Yesterday I called a doctor (we have a service that allows for a few house visits) because I started feeling very lightheaded and I asked him to please leave us alone (from the living room). He stayed put. Then my mom asked him to please go tend to my son. He sat right beside me and stayed put, blank faced. Didn't curse or yell but wanted to make a case that he listens to no one (he never curses because he prefers you to blow up and make him look like the real victim). It was an invasion of privacy. I ended up talking very little with the doctor as I was so very uncomfortable, especially after what he said about people with anxiety.
I understand how in normal situations people should put their blood relatives first but this is a special situation and I think I'm ready to move on and so is my mom this time :)