My dad suffers from narcissism and it's really affecting my mental health

[percythetrain]

Honestly, I don't even believe it's my mental health, I feel like I'm actually extremely ill with an uncommon disease that has yet to be properly diagnosed, but I have to admit that I've been pretty stressed as of late and my mom believes it's due to living with my dad. I don't know what to think. He does have issues that are very different from mine.

If I had to list them all I'd have to write a book but suffice to say that from the moment I have memory (around 6 or 7) my mom has been depressed and crying every day over his lack of empathy (i.e. he reacted to her pregnancy by worrying that she wouldn't be working for a while and asking her to keep it quiet even though they were married, he sent my mom over to the couch when she was in labor because he wasn't able to rest due to her noises, he didn't want any kids of his own yet tried to convince my mom to have a 2nd one when she was pre-menopausal as he thought there might be a financial incentive to it, tried to convince my mom to sell property that my grandfather had bought for me in order to do his thing, he "donated" the entirety of my possessions and my children's when I separated, then claimed he "snapped from the sadness of it all," but slipped and said there was just too much stuff in the house already, which he always complained of).

He's not a physically violent person, he's too smart and cool headed for that. When I was 9 he left the country and didn't even write letters for a year plus, then he started sending post cards with just one phrase on them for another year or so. He wasn't homeless or anything, just doing his own thing. My mom was suicidal because she was very codependent, didn't even think of ending things. She relied on me a lot for support. I'd spend hours trying to calm her down, from around age 10.

Then she followed him abroad with some money she'd saved and we were reunited. I was 14 then and had severe OCD. My dad was very callous. I wrote the authorities asking for shelter for me and my mom, they offered it but she didn't take it. I'd confront my dad about how miserable my mom was, but he'd react with huge moral outrage, calling me a bad person. My mom would then defend him from me. She's not like that anymore. Thank God she's been growing a lot and has since apologized for whatever she did because of her codependency. I'm very proud of her... but that doesn't make me any saner. I don't think I'll ever be, especially not with my dad breathing down my neck, but maybe not ever.

I recently caught him on a phone call with his sister. He was trying to get out of visiting his mom who has Alzheimer's. Was trying to convince his sister that she had been a horrible mother (yeah, he's a haughty, nervy little man). But what really caught me off guard were the reasons he gave for his mother having been a pathetic, cowardly, weak, contemptible, abusive parental figure: her health anxiety. He spoke of her constantly feeling sick and going to hospitals and how that was unacceptable especially if it was all "psychological."

Now he knows I share this trait with my grandmother and I have to wonder if he said all this on purpose, for me to hear. Even if he really was talking about just his mother, it was awful to hear. I keep telling myself that I can't take a narcissist seriously. Someone who has acted like a psychopath his whole life showing moral outrage over some poor devil with anxiety is very illogical. But I have been feeling pretty bad lately and have been wondering whether my mom might be right in thinking it's because of being near him.

Yesterday I called a doctor (we have a service that allows for a few house visits) because I started feeling very lightheaded and I asked him to please leave us alone (from the living room). He stayed put. Then my mom asked him to please go tend to my son. He sat right beside me and stayed put, blank faced. Didn't curse or yell but wanted to make a case that he listens to no one (he never curses because he prefers you to blow up and make him look like the real victim). It was an invasion of privacy. I ended up talking very little with the doctor as I was so very uncomfortable, especially after what he said about people with anxiety.

I understand how in normal situations people should put their blood relatives first but this is a special situation and I think I'm ready to move on and so is my mom this time :)

[ServerError]

That's a sad situation for you and your mum. It does sound as if he does have some sort of personality disorder that involves impaired empathy. Obviously I'm in no place to go diagnosing people with psychological conditions, but he does sound sociopathic to me.

If somebody is a toxic presence in your life, ultimately it's going to be up to you to decide what to do about it. It must be very difficult when it's someone as significant as your father, but is his presence in your life good for you?

[WiseMonkey]

Hi, living with a narcissist takes a terrible toll on your mental, emotional and often physical health and the only way to be free of them is to go NO CONTACT.

My mother is has NPD (she's 90) and my father was co-dependent. My mothers personality disorder created havoc in our household. I also married a man with NPD and it was drama all the time! I ended the relationship after 15 years and my 2 daughters lived with me.

It took me until I was in my 50's to realise they have NPD. There is nothing you can do to change these people, they will never be brought to account. They need constant narcissistic supply (attention, positive or negative) from others and basically suck them dry, emotionally, mentally, physically and often financially as well. They are only concerned with themselves and cannot feel or give love. People are just vehicles to provide them with attention.

Please take a look at this site, it's excellent and has some great free resources. This woman is an expert on narcissists and how to heal from them.

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

[ankietyjoe]

I understand how in normal situations people should put their blood relatives first but this is a special situation and I think I'm ready to move on and so is my mom this time :)

I actually don't believe that blood is thicker than water. My own experience has been that family members have been THE most toxic people in my life, and had to be excluded from my life for the happiness of myself and my children.

If you and your Mum decide to exclude him, I applaud that decision.

[87sal87]

I've lived back with my Dad and sister since my Mum passed 3 years ago and my health anxiety reared it's ugly head again. They both have very toxic personalities, selfish, put me down, shouting and arguing and they never have a positive word to say about anything or anyone...EVER. I honestly never hear a positive word come out of their mouths, it drags you down.
Only yesterday I was mentioning CBT to my sister and that I was thinking of giving it ago because I'd seen that it's life changing for some people...and she replied 'It wouldn't be for though, would it? Nothing ever works for you, you're not like everyone else...'
How are you meant to progress and feel better with shit like that being thrown at you on a daily basis?

[Sammyeb27]

This sounds very similar to my situation at home but I am too young to get out of it. My dad seems to be a narcissist too, who cares about money more than his own family. He's "cancelled" Christmas before, when my brother and I were super young not because we misbehave, but claiming we couldn't afford it. He then proceeded to buy himself a brand new pick up truck only months later. He always spends money on himself but makes everyone feel bad when he spends money on someone else. The difference between our mothers is that even though my mother seems unhappy she is extremely immature and ignores her and my families problems. I've suffered health anxiety for awhile and had to do everything by myself with a little help from my boyfriend because she doesn't want to drive me to doctors because she doesn't feel like it.. whenever my brother and I have a problem or my dad does something awful we are always told she doesn't want to get involved. I consider it as laziness, because she refuses to pick sides or help us even if my dad is definitely in the wrong. If you ever find any ways to cope with this, or helpful tips for being independent let me know! I just wanted you to know others share similar stories and know what it's like so you're not alone.

[percythetrain]

Thanks fo much everyone, I really appreciate your support :)

I'm hoping that my mom and I will be able to distance ourselves from him. It won't be easy as he's incredibly shrewd and charismatic. One of the things I get conflicted about is the fact that he's the ultimate wolf in a sheep's clothing, so I've got to be prepared to lose the support of lots of acquaintances over going no contact with him, but it will be worth it. He's just a very dark individual, and trying to be seen as a martyr all the time makes it all worse. There's a certain sincerity in being a jerk and owning up to it. It's just horrible when someone with so little empathy believes themselves to be the real victim, it's very "crazy-making" as psychologists like to say these days.

Hi ServerError, great nickname haha you're right he does sound disordered. He won't go to a therapist, so there's no formal diagnosis but his complete inability to engage in self-criticism and his belief that he's the nicest guy alive despite his actual behavior, makes me think narcissism. But as my mom says, "psychological terms/theory can change from one generation to the next but an SOB can be recognized by anyone, anywhere" lol.

Hi WiseMonkey, thanks so much for the link. I will look at it and also send it to my mom. I haven't as much time to read these days because of school but will have more time in a couple weeks. I downloaded an audiobook from Audible last month, called "In Sheep's Clothing." The author describes manipulative types, it's pretty good. He doesn't talk about narcissists specifically but of aggressive personalities which can include narcs, abusers, etc.

Hi AnkietyJoe, I pretty much agree with you. While a lot of people get used or abused by a romantic partner, it's much easier to walk away and society judges you way less when you end a marriage or engagement. Shutting out a parent, no matter how toxic, is a bit more taboo which obviously gives lots of ammunition to the toxic parent once you decide it's enough :(. What's kind of ironic is my dad's always implying that people who refuse to live with an aging parent are horrible, just to cover his behind with me, but he hates his mom's guts so much he rants and raves every time he needs to visit her -- not live with her-- and she's very ill.

Hi Raindrops! I mostly post about sci-fystuff on reddit :p but I've seen that subreddit and was reading some stories there a few weeks ago. It helps to find people in similar situations.

Hi 87Sal87, Yeah it's difficult to make progress if you're surrounded by so much negativity :( Have you talked to a therapist? I've been looking for one so that I can learn some tools to cope better until I can really distance myself from him. I used to snap a lot every time he acted like a wolf, but he would just put on his sheep mask and make me out to be the victimizer, so I decided to save my strength to go no contact in the near future.

Hi SammyEB27, I'm so sorry you're dealing with those folks. I've found that codependent people such as your mom are usually too scared or just unable to stand up to the main agressor because their sense of self is dependent on their relationship. It's quite sad. I can say that because I've been codependent as a youth. My therapists believe it's because this is what I learned from my mom. She used to defend my dad from me as well. I'd confront him on her behalf, because she was telling me that he'd made her lose her will to live, but then she'd defend him. It was pretty horrible. When you're codependent you do crazy things. I honestly don't know what made me snap out from being codependent myself, I think it was having a baby and not wanting the cycle to repeat itself with them. Because the odds are that if you grow up seeing codepency you might just learn to be that way. I think you're on the right track though, if you have a nice, supportive boyfriend that means you're not repeating the cycle :) If you can hang on for 2 years or so, there are many college degrees you can get that lead to good employment relatively fast. You probably don't want a nursing degree if you have health anxiety :p, but there's early childhood education, social work, paralegal studies, computer technician, physical ed. teacher. I wish I had gotten such a degree because it would have given me way more financial freedom (instead I majored in sociology). I'm still hoping I can get some type of job in education while I work at a uni degree so I can make sure my mom, kids and I stay afloat :)

BTW this site is great too. Been reading it for a few years https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/