View Full Version : Mother in Law causing anxiety
Hello everyone. I'm not sure this is the right sub-forum, but basically I have a "Monster in Law" and she's causing anxiety.
My boyfriend is finishing university this year, and as such he'll be looking for a job. He had wanted us to move to England, but I want to stay here because I really love my job and colleagues and being close to family.
He is understanding of this and agreed us ending is NOT an option.
However, this is against his mother's plans for him. When he told her this she said "oh, you're waiting on him" (meaning me). What a nice way to talk about her son's partner of 3 years!!
I feel she's always making digs at me. She has what I would call a very narrow, limited palate. According to her:
* I eat pheasant/guinea fowl/pigeon - therefore, I'm weird
* I ate Jalapenos on a salad - apparently, that makes me weird
* Her son and I are a gay couple - she doesnt want her mother (87 y.o) finding out, so she tells us not to put pictures up on Facebook. Last year, before going on holiday, she told us "not to upload photos to Facebook"... We go on holiday again in 2 weeks, and I'm worried if she says that again, I'll end up snapping and arguing with her.
I'm sorry this is SO long, but I really need advice. I feel there's going to inevitably be a massive argument some day... and each day, that day seems to get closer
ServerError
27-05-18, 18:38
Do you talk to your boyfriend about this? If my mother made my partner feel this way, I'd be having very strong words with her.
I have but the problem is, he’s such an...obedient (?) (can’t think of a word) son that he wouldn’t ever have a bad argument with her.
I should add, when he came out as gay she had a VERY tough time accepting it. So that probably plays a role too.
Is it ever acceptable have an argument with your MIL hahah?
You only get one life babe. Enjoy it and dont let her control you and your partner. Post pics, make memories, have fun. At the end of the day its you and your partner's life and she should either accept the 2 of you as a loving gay couple or do one. The granny probably already knows deep down that her grandson is gay. In this day and age it shouldnt make a blind bit of difference. Go enjoy your holiday and have a fabulous time xx
MyNameIsTerry
28-05-18, 02:19
The granny may be very accepting for all you know. What does your partner think of this? I've often found the eldest generations to be more understanding of living a happy life and they've gone past the "what will the neighbours say" stage as they just haven't got the time left on this planet to care about that. This can make them sometimes seem abrasive but it's more a "I can't be arsed talking about pointless stuff anymore" thing.
I do think you may need to respect how it may affect her and talking to your partner about this would be better than relying on the MIL who has an agenda of her own. Her mother might tell her to shut up and let you both be happy!
Old people aren't daft and I think the middle aged generations tend to often assume this sometimes. The gran sees a picture of you two just looking happy on holiday and may see the relationship anyway.
I do think you should be living your life your way and every right to post what you want. I'm just thinking there may be a lovely old lady who may be happy for you both and the MIL is making it into something it is not for her own purposes but telling the gran might be better than her finding out on her own? (if she hasn't long ago worked it out for herself anyway)
It's pretty obvious the MIL is the issue here. I think the best way is always to let their offspring face up to the confrontation because you doing it is going to be a gasoline can on a fire despite you being in the right and the MIL will use that as a stick to beat you with "oh look how disruptive he/she is" if you see what I mean. But if it comes to you may have to do it if your partner won't because digs are not acceptable. Little passive aggressive remarks are something you shouldn't have to put up with and if the MIL has trouble accepting the relationship then she should be keeping her mouth shut and talking to her child about it.
Do you think it's possible that because she had a hard time accepting her child's sexuality it's not actually about you but more about still not being accepting?
As far as planning a child's life out, some parents do that and just end up with an unhappy adult. That is something that needs addressing because at this age you are legally adults. To be fair, if she is paying bills for education then she has some say but ultimately your partner needs to be clear about what he needs from his life right now. This may cause some natural friction between them and without knowing more it's hard to say as sometimes kids regret educational/career decisions later as parents were right and sometimes parents are pushing their kids into paths they don't really want.
But if you want to laugh at the situation to get your anxiety down then I recommend Les Dawson's MIL jokes (he was famous for them).
"Me & the missus were walking down the street when we saw 5 men beating up the MIL. The missus said 'are you going to help' and I replied 'no, I think 5 should be enough'."
"The MIL said when I died she was going to dance on my grave. I said 'good, I'm being buried at sea'"
:yesyes:
@MyNameIsTerry
Yes that’s the problem I think - I know she really struggled when he ‘came out’ and she still struggles to this day. I know she does, although she doesn’t say it and would probably deny it. It’s the fact that because she can’t accept it, as a 24 year old I’m havinf to run about essentially hiding my relationship.
And she has one of those personalities where ‘nothing is ever good enough’. Extremely difficult to please unless it’s her way.
Combative, defensive, somewhat snooty and opinionated are some words you could use to describe her.
His dad is very much ok with his son being gay, but he’s very much hen pecked by her. He’d never stand up to her so I can’t relying on him to change anything.
As well, she has contributed ZILCH to his education and actually on occasions she’s BORROWS MONEY OFF HIM!!!
It’s one of these situations I can feel probably won’t get better unless/until there’s an argument. IS it wise going down that road?
Sorry about ant typing errors - on a very temperamental iPhone.
MyNameIsTerry
29-05-18, 06:20
I guess there is always the possibility that her current personality is a result of her son coming out? So was she always like that? I'm just wondering if it's a mixture of lack of acceptable of the situation itself, not necessarily her son or you, and whether she feels some level of failure or loss due to it (how his life won't be as she envisaged, how it may be more challenging e.g. kids later on)?
Whatever she still has to learn to get past this or the result is likely him distancing himself.
It's good to hear his dad is ok with everything. Given his dad sounds like your partner it does make me think she's been the house boss in the marriage. Maybe now she has something she can't control and it's a threat to her? But isn't that just normal parenthood anyway as overbearing "mother hens" are going to struggle with their baby growing up? Maybe there is some of that in there with her personality being that way, if it was.
He needs to deal with it. It's not easy as conflict within families isn't easy for many but it will come at some point. And to be honest, despite her personality he did find the courage to tell her about his sexuality which was massive.
If it comes to it, who can blame you for an argument? But she may kick back at you and if he just stands there then you are both going to be having another argument over that so if he can have a word it makes the most sense?
But comments about you are something different and you have a right to basic respect like anyone so that's something you can address. It may be that her struggling to accept her son's sexuality is part of this however you are innocent in that so should not be expected to put up with comments. Doing it in her house might mean she gets all "it's my house, I'll say what I want" so maybe neutral ground is useful for a chat about this but otherwise it's bullying and if you have to confront it on her home territory then that may be the case (I'm just wondering if she will pull the "I'm the boss in this house" card on you?).
Considering they aren't paying for his education it becomes simpler. She has little say at his age, she can only give an opinion and attempt to guide as a parent. This is one he needs to tackle. If you are living in someone's house, and that person has the sort of personality you mentioned, then there is the issue of it being their property and you may be benefitting from various concessions (e.g. reduced rent than in you place) so it's understandable that confrontation is avoided where possible. You can get that problem with your parents, other anyone really, no matter how old you are but there are limits to what you put up with for the sake of keeping the peace.
@MyNameIsTerry
Fantastic post - I've always wondered is it *me* or would she be like that with any guy he brought home? The problem is - as outspoken/opinionated/bitchy as she is, she has raised my boyfriend and his sister to be shy/reserved/"spineless". She even said, when a mother once questionned her as to why her children were so shy, the MIL replied "I wouldn't expect anything else".
Why is this a problem? Because, I suppose, I am an outspoken/strong character. I don't mean to ever be rude - but I get my point across. I was raised to be like that. I think she possibly feels threatened that I'm not the pushover she'd probably desired.
We're still living at home - I'm with my parents and he's with his, but he spends 90% of time here. Going "up there" is a real chore, as I'm sure you'll agree.
The more I thought about it today (in between the anxiety of forgetting her name last night for a second haha) there's no way she genuinely finds eating Jalapenos "strange". She eats curry herself TWICE A WEEK, albeit without jalapenos. I think that Jalapeno comment really annoyed me because it was obvious she was just using it as an excuse to call me strange.
Incredibly, my boyfriend always tries to defend her. (Although, it is his mother after all).
She may also feel threatened because her son is a very picky eater - but I've got him to try pigeon and pheasant - both of which he loved. Maybe she felt this was me "controlling" him?
The problem is in a few weeks time we're going over to Dundee for his graduation. That will be THREE WHOLE DAYS staying at his flat with his parents! I can just picture her making some comment over there and me going off on one - but then I'll be blamed for "ruining the graduation" so I can't do that!
Another thing I remember today, is she has practically never complimented me. I can only think of two occasions, one of which I actually responded "I like your sarcasm" , when she complemented my hoody, because it seemed so fake. She, of course, denied it was sarcasm.
I do remember back when we first met - June 2015 - before I'd met his MIL, he said he wss going out on a date in our town with me. She responded "no youre not" because our town is small and her family are all around it. He ignored her, thankfully, and met me at the bar anyway :roflmao: But that's what I used to be up against.
Question
The other night, we were talking about his friend (who went to university here in Northern Ireland). This guy, we'll call him Fred, is a self-confessed "home bird" and the MIL knows this. But, he *might* have to go to England for another course in September. Now, bear in mind the MIL called me a "home bird" not that long ago. So, sitting infront of me the other night, when hearing this news about Fred, she replied: "Oh well, he's a bloody home bird so it will do him good". I was convinced that was some sort of swipe at me. She said it loud and with a hint of venom to her voice. What do you think?
Sorry this is so long!!
nomorepanic
29-05-18, 22:41
Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your post was moved from its original place to a sub-forum that is more relevant to your issue.
This is nothing personal - it just enables us to keep posts about the same problems in the relevant forums so other members with any experience with the issues can find them more easily.
Please also read this post:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=213239
I think that his mums issues are more about her than you tbh. I understand that you think having an argument about it will in a way help but the problem is that in her eyes you will just be seen to be causing trouble and re affirming her opinions. If I were you I would bite my tongue and rise above her homophobia and controlling behaviour, you don’t need her approval and one day your partner will see this too and he will have to be the one to stand up to her that’s the only way this monster in law will take notice. Don’t lower yourself to her standards you are loved and supported and accepted by your own family and that’s all that matters. I feel bad for your partner, his mother sounds like a total plum. X
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