View Full Version : End of the road
I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm treating it as my journal. I've always liked to put my thoughts to paper it used to make me feel good, now it's all I can do, I write down what I'm feeling like it means anything. Partner is feeding my beautiful baby, she really is amazing, more than I could have ever imagined she is literally my heart & soul. The only reason I smile.
This is the end of the road for me, it has to be, there is nowhere else to go, this is the lowest, the most desperate I have ever felt in my life, I want to scream so loud, scream that I am worth more than this my life is worth more than this, I don't want it to end like this. I have so much love, so much to give, i want with every fibre of my being to beat this but I am a bare fragment of the person I was, how do I do this when I can barely stand up right now, I feel completely trapped on my body, this constant pounding in my head that doesn't allow me to hear the birds, I miss them birds in the morning! I miss silence, I've always loved silence. I can't get any lower, I'm terrified I will not see this through, because this overwhelming emotion takes over me and i just want to end it all when I can't bare another second of this fear consuming me. Please send positive thoughts this way, and i pray that I can climb out from this terribly dark pit. This is extremely negative, a its me trying my best, this is my mindset right now.
Can't read and run. Posting to say I feel like this too...wonderful children, wonderful husband but totally locked inside myself and can't see it getting any worse.
I see you have a newborn...could it be PND for you, perhaps?
Katiepink :hugs:
You write as much as you want. Get those emotions and feelings down and out!
There is always someone here listening. x
venusbluejeans
27-05-18, 23:54
Hi Katie, we have a list of useful links and telephone numbers on this thread...
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=38701
The thing is that when you are at your lowest then the only direction you can go is up..... it may take a while but it will happen, cuddle your baby and let them give you the inspiration you need to keep yourself going day by day.
Katie, you will always have support on here but you need someone who can assess just how badly your tinnitus is affecting you in real life too. Life can be very stressful with a new baby, even more so when you are battling frustrating and debilitating health conditions at the same time.
You're not at the end of the road although you feel you are. You are just worn down with coping with it all. xx
Thankyou all for your replies, i am going to call and book a doctors appointment on Monday and let them know how i've been, and if that means medication then so be it, i can't carry on like this.
Yes i definitely had post natal depression, that improved a lot after 5-6 weeks, but i am definitely depressed and more anxious than ever before.
Chronic stress & anxiety has caused my jaw and neck problems, my right SCM muscle that runs down from behind your ear to collar bone is causing me so many problems, pressure feelings in my face and constant tightness that im trying to fix. My pulsatile tinnitus is just aconstant reminder of my mortality hearing my heart beat away every second of the day and i cannot for the life of me relax. I'm in a constant highly anxious state, i really need help to get my body and mind to relax x
I’m really pleased you’re resolved to go and see your GP on Monday. Show them what you wrote here if you can’t find the words.
Dealing with a baby is hard at the best of times.
We are here xx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I’m really pleased you’re resolved to go and see your GP on Monday. Show them what you wrote here if you can’t find the words.
Dealing with a baby is hard at the best of times.
We are here xx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thankyou, she's the reason i'm still here for sure, she melts my heart and definitely gives me the strength to get through each day! She deserves more though, a happy mum X
Hi there , this is a temporary situation and feeling , it can definitely get better , Ive been in the dark pit on so many occasions and come through , that person you used to be is still in there you just have to find her again .
My kids kept me going the first time around and my grandkids keep me hanging around now , my 7 year old granddaughter said to me today " when I'm 40 you'll be 80 " after pause thinking shit that's old I said I might not be around by then but I'll do my best to get there , she smiled held my hand and we carried on walking the dogs , when you feel you've had enough and can't take anymore you find the strength in them .
Good luck with getting some good help , ps I also have tinnitus which gets worse when my anxiety is high , it's always there but sometimes I don't notice it .
Take care .
I agree with all that Buster says. Your daughter will give you a reason to carry on and do all you can to manage your anxiety and to get better, which you will. It won't always be like this. Symptoms do magnify when anxiety is acute and unrelenting-it's hardly surprising that this happens but it scares you senseless and makes life very challenging. See what your GP says and don't hold back if he/she attempts to downplay what you are going through. Please let us know how you get on and how you are? xx
I agree with all that Buster says. Your daughter will give you a reason to carry on and do all you can to manage your anxiety and to get better, which you will. It won't always be like this. Symptoms do magnify when anxiety is acute and unrelenting-it's hardly surprising that this happens but it scares you senseless and makes life very challenging. See what your GP says and don't hold back if he/she attempts to downplay what you are going through. Please let us know how you get on and how you are? xx
Thank you, you're all right i know. It won't always be like this i keep telling myself, it just feels like everything has piled up and i struggle to go on, i've been for a walk this morning and feel much better for it actually. Nature sounds do that! Xx
I definitely need to not hold back with my gp which i have a tendency to do
A lot of people go to the doctor with anxiety and depression so you must emphasise how your condition severely affects all aspects of your life. I think GPs get bored with hearing about mental health conditions which are mild and part of life's challenges-your situation is all-encompassing and you have given birth recently so you need to be listened to and properly assessed xx
I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm treating it as my journal. I've always liked to put my thoughts to paper it used to make me feel good, now it's all I can do, I write down what I'm feeling like it means anything. Partner is feeding my beautiful baby, she really is amazing, more than I could have ever imagined she is literally my heart & soul. The only reason I smile.
This is the end of the road for me, it has to be, there is nowhere else to go, this is the lowest, the most desperate I have ever felt in my life, I want to scream so loud, scream that I am worth more than this my life is worth more than this, I don't want it to end like this. I have so much love, so much to give, i want with every fibre of my being to beat this but I am a bare fragment of the person I was, how do I do this when I can barely stand up right now, I feel completely trapped on my body, this constant pounding in my head that doesn't allow me to hear the birds, I miss them birds in the morning! I miss silence, I've always loved silence. I can't get any lower, I'm terrified I will not see this through, because this overwhelming emotion takes over me and i just want to end it all when I can't bare another second of this fear consuming me. Please send positive thoughts this way, and i pray that I can climb out from this terribly dark pit. This is extremely negative, a its me trying my best, this is my mindset right now.
Hi KP,
First let me say I'm very sorry for this season of darkness you are going through right now. To be sure it ain't easy. But it is just that...a season. And seasons are temporary things. I am fully confident you are going to pull through this.
After my my mom had her last child...my younger brother...she developed sever Postpartum Depression. It was extreme. My dad would have to physically drag her out of bed each morning. Doctors, therapy, even shock therapy...the whole nine yards. Looking back she would say, at the time it seemed like it would never end. But it did end.
My mom passed away last summer at the age of 87. I'll just tell you that woman was absolutely the best mom a child could ever hope for. My siblings and I really hit the jackpot when we got her for a mother. And I'll also say that she led a very very full and satisfying life. And you will too. You have so much to look forward to. So hang in there it's only a season.
N.
Heartfelt and wise words from Noivous.
I hope you managed to see your GP today and that you were heard and properly assessed. The only way is up now! xx
Thanks Novious and sorry to hear of your mums passing, i really appreciate your words.
Unfortunately i have had a terrible day today and couldnt bring myself to call the doctors. However my partner is home tomorrow so is going to ensure i call first thing.
You see yesterday was a much better day for me, i felt alive again and actually wanted to go out and do things, and thats because the PT was barely noticeable, the first time thats happened since it started. Today i woke with it extremely loud and pounding through my neck and ear again, which obviously has had me in a horrible state of anxiety all day, googling and worrying so much.
Im going to show the doctor this thread tomorrow just so they know how i am feeling, and how much i am consumed by this pulsatile tinnitus and how anxiety is stopping me function properly at all.
---------- Post added at 20:16 ---------- Previous post was at 19:12 ----------
I've just told my partner the dark truth that i have been debating wether or not to take my own life. I cannot put into words how horrific this feels to put this on him, he is in a mess and struggling and i dont want to do this to him, but i cannot hide it Anymore.
I dont think i could actually do it, so why do i consider it all the time as a viable solution to this hell. Looking at my baby i am disgusted in myself for saying such a thing.
ServerError
05-06-18, 00:19
Worth bearing in mind that you're telling people about it. That is pretty indicative of what you really want.
I'm just wondering - if you took the anxious response out of the equation, how awful would your tinnitus be? I only ask because I've got myself in a suicidal mess over symptoms before and when the fear finally subsided, I found the symptom much easier to live with.
I have tinnitus. I don't think it's pulsating, but I have to put up with it 24/7. I don't think mine will go away as I suspect mine is hearing damage due to past recklessness with my ears. But I live with it. It's at it's most irritating whenever I'm anxious.
In regards to the tinnitus I'm with ServerError on this. Much of tinnitus is stress induced. I also think it's diet and exercise related. Refined surgar (evil stuff) can play part.
Thanks guys, from what i have read, true pulsatile tinnitus is very different from other tinnitus especially if in one ear only, a generalized increase blood flow through say pregnancy or a thyroid disorder could cause it but it would generally be in both ears, and subside after pregnancy.
My ENT specialist believes my ear is fine, but has ordered an MRI to check the vessels as routine, my GP says next step would be a scan of my neck.
Vascular loops, avm, glomous tumour, high jugular bulb, fistula, aneurysm, are all recognised causes of pulsatile tinnitus so although they may be rare, i believe its one of the above.
I only managed to speak to a doctor on the phone today, i have an appointment thursday, i told him how i am convinced i will have a stroke, or drop dead, and that my heart rate is going very fast with the slightest exertion as well as pressure in my neck, he said he doesnt think i will have a stroke, and that we are on the right track by ordering relevant tests. He said he would assess me on thursday, i think he means my mental health there.
Without a doubt its worse when i am stressing about it, and i couldnt say what it would feel like without the anxiety attached, but it is definitely intrusive. I suppose if there was absolutely no concern of what it was, then yes i could live with it and probably habituate over time.
Katie, I think you shouldn't rely so much "on what you have read" and instead listen to your ENT specialist and GP because they will be assessing your condition and will be ordering tests which they think are appropriate. All the scary stuff you read about and research will just add to your overwhelming fears and make your symptoms even more intrusive than they already are. You've read about all the worst case scenarios but only YOUR doctors can tell you what's really going on. I hope this MRI will help you-it is reassuring that your specialist isn't concerned but I know that this isn't enough for you at this stage.
I hope your GP appointment tomorrow helps even if he does assess your mental health-you are in distress and dealing with a lot of anxiety and caring for a young baby xx
Katie, I think you shouldn't rely so much "on what you have read" and instead listen to your ENT specialist and GP because they will be assessing your condition and will be ordering tests which they think are appropriate. All the scary stuff you read about and research will just add to your overwhelming fears and make your symptoms even more intrusive than they already are. You've read about all the worst case scenarios but only YOUR doctors can tell you what's really going on. I hope this MRI will help you-it is reassuring that your specialist isn't concerned but I know that this isn't enough for you at this stage.
I hope your GP appointment tomorrow helps even if he does assess your mental health-you are in distress and dealing with a lot of anxiety and caring for a young baby xx
I know you're right Pulisa, i am not helping myself at all i have spent atleast 40 hours reading about this condition and at the end of the day, whatever the cause i cant do anything but wait for my tests. Its not as if i can fix it myself, so i dont know why i do this. I wish i could go back and unread everything. I'm trying now to focus on what i can change by being as healthy as possible, which includes trying to lower my anxiety levels and hopefully my GP can help with that too xx
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