ROCD is making me miserable.

[Soda]

I’m driving myself crazy with ROCD, and it’s making me doubt my attraction and love for my boyfriend. We are in a long distance relationship so we only see each other ever so often, and it’s not like we became long distance, we always have been. I’ve always had deep deep feelings for him, the first time I saw him I had that fiery feeling of wanting to kiss him and we kissed, everything was great. Holding his hand even made me feel that magical feeling. Suddenly throughout the days and times I’ve visited him, my mind doesn’t seem to let me focus on kissing him. It’s much more focused on “is this right? Am I feeling everything I’m supposed to be feeling? Is it supposed to feel like fireworks every single time? Do I love him? Why am I not more engaged?” I am so hyper aware that I never fully can give myself to the moments and sometimes just feel like I’m living in them and can’t calm down enough to let go of control and just feel whatever it is I am feeling. Last time he visited I felt like I couldn’t feel much, my mind would be fine when I was with him during the day but then at night when I was home alone I’d freak out and think about “what if I don’t love him?” “What if we break up because I am not connecting with him?” I have so much love and care for him but sometimes I feel like I am not connecting the way I could. But then the next day we hang out and kiss and hold hands and everything is fine. I constantly search for signs we aren’t meant to be together forever. I can’t stop thinking I’m going to mess up my relationship.

[Scaldris]

Hello there!

I've had the exact same problem, I've had a strong fear that what if I dont feel love properly, like a friend of mine kept telling me how perfect their relationship is, I could see her in total bliss and all...So my anxiety just kept building up, telling me I dont love him, and it all got worse until I was sick for days and could not enjoy even kissing and time spent together when other times I could enjoy it and just feel happy and all. All this kept going on until I could take it no more and broke up with him and now I regret it and fear getting back together with him because of the anxiety... I've used to have HOCD so this may also helped my problem (feared being another sexual orintation), I could overcome this by now, then recently I've started to have a fear of being asexual because of the relationship anxiety and because I could not always enjoy being together with him, or even when we were walking.. Even writing this makes me sort of cry, even writing the 'a' letter of that word.
All I want to say is, that you are not alone feeling like this, and maybe try breathing techniques when anxiety comes. Also, maybe the app called Headspace could help, I recommend giving it a try. Sorry for rambling, I'm just absolutely feel hopeless and desperate aswell.