elik
06-06-18, 05:42
I can't breathe. I'm panicking for the millionth time over my relationships with others. I'm so broken and cut off, all my friendships are dissolving and I'm feeling so powerless in fixing this. I have every desire to help people in life but this has led me to live in other people's shadows, never defying what they want to do and being very much involved with their lives. This was attainable when I had less responsibility at a younger age and as much as I wish it was now, I feel like I'm constantly on edge and needed to perform. In return I honestly can't remember the last time I've asked anyone for a favour - or even to join me doing something mundane. I centre aroun the other and That's how much like it to be but I've learnt it doesn't work after so long. People grow dependent and closer to you while you remain neutral because you're not so close. A long time of this and you switch off become robotic and feel like things are obligations and duties rather than feeling raw emotion in response to something. This has caused me sickening guilt which hasn't left my side for over a year now because I've pushed the closest friend to me away in a bid to save both of us from me. It feels so unnatural that I'm scared of what 'demand' might come next when in reality it would be ok to be less 'perfect' and controlled but this isa massive vulnerability to me, to be open to judgement and seen as anything less than the best person. Ironic as ultimately having pushed her away I'm being the worse person. I have a heart that wants to reach out to everyone but I've stopped actioning it because I have nothing to give in terms of actual bonding and feel it's better to quit while I'm ahead making me feel and look unsympathetic and isolated. Its so sad because I love helpin people but I associate it with being a trap now which I push to a side because I don't ever want to stop being kind but I just don't understand how to live my life whilst having people in it, like it actually baffles me. I can't juggle this. I can't take on this responsibility knowing I'm likely to fail at making all those around me happy.