cactuarjon
11-06-18, 13:40
I still really don't know how to deal with it.
I'm sat in the office with two of my colleagues (one of which is my boss) and boss has a phone issue, the other colleague is trying to help. Most of the problem i don't fully understand. But they're having a problem and my brain is constantly deciphering their conversation and trying to pick out emotional cues, their frustration and confusion being soaked up by myself.
And at the same time, my brain is trying to comprehend and steer me towards my own work i need to do, as well as trying to distract itself from having to face the problem-solving of my own tasks and reaching out for something that is even mildly entertaining or interesting in some way or another.
The air con is giving a low background hum. There's a faint cackle of noises and bits of conversation seeping through the walls of the meeting next door.
I'm trying to remain comfy in my leather office chair, sat at a table that is more like a work-top (definitely not meant to be used a desk). Thankfully, the boss has not grumbled at my decision to sit with my feet up and using a crappier office chair as a foot rest. If i had to sit with my feet on the ground, back straight, I would literally go insane and there is no way I would ever be able to conjure up more than 5 mins concentration, never mind 7 hours worth.
I am tired. Voices are making my head hurt. Any noise, tbf, is making my head hurt. My imagination and creativity appear to have temporarily flat-lined and I can't muster up any excitement or ambition for the future, immediate or distant.
And yes, i wonder why I'm here. Why do i put myself through this daily struggle? Why is this prison of flesh trapped in a never ending cycle of oppression and control? Is everything i see even real? This desk, this keyboard, these postit notes, this building? Who put me in charge of this body?
I don't know who i am, what i am or what i'm meant to be doing here. It all feels very pointless to me.
I'm sat in the office with two of my colleagues (one of which is my boss) and boss has a phone issue, the other colleague is trying to help. Most of the problem i don't fully understand. But they're having a problem and my brain is constantly deciphering their conversation and trying to pick out emotional cues, their frustration and confusion being soaked up by myself.
And at the same time, my brain is trying to comprehend and steer me towards my own work i need to do, as well as trying to distract itself from having to face the problem-solving of my own tasks and reaching out for something that is even mildly entertaining or interesting in some way or another.
The air con is giving a low background hum. There's a faint cackle of noises and bits of conversation seeping through the walls of the meeting next door.
I'm trying to remain comfy in my leather office chair, sat at a table that is more like a work-top (definitely not meant to be used a desk). Thankfully, the boss has not grumbled at my decision to sit with my feet up and using a crappier office chair as a foot rest. If i had to sit with my feet on the ground, back straight, I would literally go insane and there is no way I would ever be able to conjure up more than 5 mins concentration, never mind 7 hours worth.
I am tired. Voices are making my head hurt. Any noise, tbf, is making my head hurt. My imagination and creativity appear to have temporarily flat-lined and I can't muster up any excitement or ambition for the future, immediate or distant.
And yes, i wonder why I'm here. Why do i put myself through this daily struggle? Why is this prison of flesh trapped in a never ending cycle of oppression and control? Is everything i see even real? This desk, this keyboard, these postit notes, this building? Who put me in charge of this body?
I don't know who i am, what i am or what i'm meant to be doing here. It all feels very pointless to me.