View Full Version : anxiety has taken over
Hello,
This is my first time on here, ive been reading posts for the last for days trying to build the courage to to put my situation into words.
12 days ago i visited my GP with what i recognised as anxiety building up,i recognised what i was feeling as i suffered a breakdown 10 years ago. So i decided to head it of at the pass(or so i thought).
I was prescribed flauxatine 20mg, im now on day twelve of taking them and can honestly say i feel 100% worse than before i was taking them.
Day one was fine, as was days two and three, day four couldn't sleep right kept waking up drenched in a cold sweat and blind panic about i dont know what, a million thoughts all seemed to be streaming through my head all at once, and since then i have had the same experience every night, but slightly more severe as the days have gone on.The anxiety is happening all the time now in various stages of severity during the day.
I have read many posts from people saying stick to the meds and they will eventually work, but this really is a living hell at the moment..
Although i do feel a little better for getting that of my chest.
Hello.
Sorry you’re having such a terrible time at the moment. Glad you feel better for talking about it [emoji4]. Someone with experience will be along soon, but I wanted to say hi.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
venusbluejeans
19-06-18, 19:24
Hiya otterman and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.
I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:
Thanks for your reply scass, its good to know there are many good people using nmp
who seem to help each other get through there ordeals.:)
I’m on day 11 of Ssri called sertraline. Like u anxiety got really much worse. But I’ve been on citalopram a few years back and yes the initial weeks were horrible and I had bad insomnia. I then started to feel ok. It took around 4 to 6 weeks. It helped me feel normal. So I would stick with it. Hold out. I’m trying too! It’s amazing how many people out there are in the same boat. Look after yourself.
I feel your pain, starting up on ssris are hard bloody work, you will have heightened anxiety nausea, sweats, insomnia all the nasties and they are normal and not you, it’s the medication, you aren’t losing your mind or slowly melting your brain it’s these bloody meds, but they do work eventually we just have to be patient. I think the best advice in the next weeks are to keep your diary quiet. Download some box sets, live off of whatever food you can stomach, play games on your phone, sleep when you can, lots of water and chat to people who get you. You can do this. X
Hi rad1, thanks for your reply it is good to know there are so many people with exactly the same problems with there medications out there.. I plan to stick it out untill i can see some light at the end of the tunnel, but at the moment that seems a long way off. Im on day thirteen today and its been bad, maybe managed 2 hours sleep last night, usual things mind racing panicking sweating anxiety, not nice.
Gp tomorrow so may ask if theres any other meds i could take with the flaux to lesson the anxiety a bit..
We just have to remember i suppose and tell ourselves they are only side effects over and over.
Let me know how you get on, and thanks again for the reply.
---------- Post added at 22:41 ---------- Previous post was at 22:30 ----------
Hi Laura,
Thank you for your reply, and words of encouragement, it means allot.I will try and take some of your advice on board, as far as relaxing its difficult as i am in the middle of a house move for the second time this year, unbelievable i know, make no wonder my poor brains on the blink..
Thanks again for taking the time to reply.
Be strong, get through this period and your body will start to suffer less from side effects. But if you are only getting 2 hours sleep it can feel more out of control. I take Nytol one a night. My Doctor said it was OK to. Buy them from any chemist. (there is a herbal Nytol with valarium etc, but dont think you can take that with SSRI, maybe Im wrong) Anyway, it helps me sleep longer. It is a vicious cycle, all this adrenalin or cortisol hormones in the system makes sleep so difficult. Distraction also helps me. Trying to focus on something different. I do mindful breathing. So you start breathing deep and slowly and focus on the breath going in through your nose, then into your lungs, and then out through the mouth - along with all that negativity. Thoughts do pop back in, but you train yourself to switch back to the breathing. Just giving your mind 30 mins rest is so helpful to you. There are plenty of things on youtube. I also tried meditation, with the 'happy monk' on youtube. So calming and even if no sleep, it does rest you.
Anxiety and fear of ending up in a serious breakdown is just difficult to take. But it will pass. (wise words Laura gave above)
Please let me know what your dr says about the medication to help with anxiety. I didn't get very far with my Dr. He offered beta blockers, but its the constant over thinking rather than palpitations that I want to escape from.
PS moving house is stressful and unsettling at the best of times. Try and get some help from a close friend or family member.
Hey Rad1
Had the worst night last night since starting the flaux, managed maybe 1 hour of sound sleep followed by disturbed 15 minuet snoozes for the rest of the night, bed sheets were soaked this morning and for the first time i was physically shaking, so much so that the wife took the day off work to go to the doctors with me.
Had a good talk with the doctor about what i was going through which made me feel a little better. She has prescribed me with Propraolol 40mg three times a day which is a fast working beta blocker to counter the Adrenalin that was making me sweat and anxious. She also prescribed me a sleeping tablet Zopiclone 3.75mg to knock me out and booked me an appointment to see a councillor.
Maybe an hour after taking the first pill i was feeling much calmer, then went to take the second pill around 5pm and accidentally took another flaux!! Panicked a bit, but will have to just leave tomorrow mornings out.
The wife took me to the coast this afternoon for a walk up and down the sea front which did me the world of good. From around 4am i have felt pretty good to be fair. Im just dreading going to bed tonight, think i will take the last of the three beta blockers at bed time and give the sleeping tablet a miss for tonight just to see how i get on, if its another horror story then tomorrow night i will take one. Thanks for all the advice you have given me on how to stay calm, one thing i do that works for me is taking a deep breath and blowing it slowly back out onto my forearm counting each breath up to ten and then back down again to zero, sounds strange but it works for me to a certain extent.I think the Nytol is a good idea, i dont really want to have to take the sleeping pil
as i have had them before a long time ago and became a zombie.
Thinking about it i could be having alcohol withdrawals as i used to always have a couple of cans of beer before i went to bed which i stopped three days ago.
Anyway day 14 is almost over hope tonight is better but i won't hold my breath yet.
How are you doing, are you having any bad side effects besides the anxiety?
Al post again tomorrow night with another update.
Thanks again for all the advice its very much appreciated, we will not be beaten.
Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Sounds like a rotten night for you, but at least you have a good GP who is getting you some counselling and you also have sleeping help and the blockers. Great that your wife took you. That must be reassuring. A walk by the sea sounds perfect, gets you back to nature. My GP has not even mentioned counselling. He wanted me in and out in 10 mins. I am paying for some Skype counselling tomorrow.
I personally never took sleeping tablets before, but after some unbearably bad nights this time round, I decided it was worth a try. The torture of a couple of hours broken sleep I find hard to take. It really upsets me in the morning when its time to get up. I dont feel like a zombie the next day after Nytol. I usually wake up at 4am. Then I lie there thinking about life issues. I must get up at 7.30 to get my daughter up and ready for school. I make myself eat porridge, which seems to sort me out. Today I felt strangely calmer than the past few days.
I take my sertraline at night about 10pm before bed. Then a Nytol. I suppose the anxiety cant be felt if you are sleeping, and SSRIs are also meant to make you drowsy too. So Figured night is better than taking it in the morning. Strangely I still get the anxiety through the morning. It seems to improve through the afternoon. Then evening I am generally much calmer. But last time I started SSRIs (citalopram) several years back, I recall dreading bedtime due to the awful insomnia. So same as you.
I am actually day 13. Tomorrow I will increase my dose a little more, around 70mg from the 100 prescribed. (I am on 50mg this week, 25 last week).
Anyway its good to here how you are getting on, and I prey tomorrow is a much better day fro you. Easy on taking the blockers, try and save them for when you are desperate.
Take care. Catch up again soon.
Day 15 on Flauxatine.
Another bad night last night, woke at 1.30 in a panic soaked in sweat again. Must of drifted back off around 3am and woke at 6.30 wet through, which i consider a good nights sleep compared to recently.
Got up 7.30 had my flauxatine and beta blocker followed by some really milky oat so simple, its the only way i can eat it as i seem to have lost the ability to produce saliva. Felt really on edge for the first hour but the beta blocker must have kicked in and i felt up to leaving the house.
Spent most of the day doing physical jobs which stopped me thinking and analysing my problems over and over.
Appetite is none existent at the moment which is a bit concerning as i have lost half a stone over 4 weeks. My bowls seem to have a mind of there own too.Is having a metallic taste in your mouth all day normal?
Best i have felt for a while a the moment, the evenings are always best, and even managed to have a couple of positive thoughts!Maybe the flaux is starting to work.
Hoping for a good nights sleep as i have a long drive tomorrow..
Very little sleep again last night, and the usual cold sweats.Had a bad first couple of hours this morning with negative thoughts about everything and a very strong feeling of anxiety.
Forced myself out of the house and into my van, drove 85 miles to pick my friend up to collect his motorbike.
To cut a very long story short, i broke down on the motorway, got recovered by the AA and got home 9 hours later than i was supposed to with a van that i have only had three weeks and now does not work, i now have no transport and am at my whits end, have got prickly sensation running up and down the back of my neck and cant really rationalise my thoughts.. Its been a bad day today, all i managed to eat was a packet of crisps. I know for a fact i will get no sleep again after today.. Feel sick of it all
Hi Otterman, wow that’s really tough on you. Even if you were well, the van nightmare would be hard to take. The extra anxiety on top is so hard to take, I know only too well. The nytol one a night sorted my sleep out, well I get 11.30pm to about 4.30am. I find that time after until I get up a bit hard as I over think. But keep going , things will turn around. It’s important u get some decent food in you even if you don’t want to eat. Baked potatoes, soup, porridge work for me. Take care. Rad
Hi rad1,
Yet another bad night, and been anxious all day today, tomorrow i have to try and the crooked company i bought my van off to repair it under warranty, don,t think they will though, and im not in the frame of mind to argue with anyone at the moment.. I have my porridge on a morning nice and milky and can eat it no problem same with soup or any wet food, its just my stomach seems to close after a couple of bites. Anyway i have succumbed to taking a sleeping pill tonight for the first time, i really do need some sleep.
Did you feel any benefit from upping your meds the other day? Hope so..
All the best
and hears to a good nights sleep.
Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I think the sleeping tablet will really help you. If it does work, having sleep will help you feel a little bit better for sure. You sound really tense, so try hard to relax your shoulders and neck and watch out for any jaw tension. I found my jaw gripped as if I was biting hard on many occasions. I think thats a side effect. There is also this technique I used to do in bed when I couldn't sleep... You lie down, and tense up the muscles in your feet for say 15 secs, then release the tension and relax. Then tense up all your legs and feet, and then relax. Keep moving up the body. Last of all tense up the the whole body and then relax. It can really make you relaxed and you feel all heavy, like sinking into the mattress.
Last night I had very broken sleep as I heard noises and my partner thought it was a burglar downstairs at 3am. Anyway, it was nothing, I managed somehow to wake up and get back to sleep a few times. But very very hard to get out of bed today, just couldn't face it. I've increased the medication a little yes. Good news - no extra side effects to report. Yes, I seem slightly less anxious. I found the first 2 weeks really tough in terms of anxiety. Now slightly reduced, but I still worry like crazy and like you, lost lots of weight. My trousers are loose on me now, its upsetting. I've been worrying so much through the weekend, and this morning its been really bad. I am quite scared of what the future holds for me as my business is on the rocks and I worry how I will manage to pay the bills etc. The way I feel I cant face looking at trying to find new clients. I had a counselling session last Friday on Skype, which helped me dig up lots of difficult things I went through earlier in my life, and I am pretty sure they have impacted on my 'panic' pattern of behaviour. It was the counsellor who pointed it out.
I am glad you are eating a bit, I was worried when you said just one pack of crisps the other day, that can cause headaches, lack of energy and irritability etc. And one other thing - I do sometimes get slight shakes, like you were describing in one of your posts. And I think it might be linked to low blood sugar level. I usually get it before breakfast in the morning. It is pretty disturbing when it happens. I recall reading on the SSRI instructions - if you are a diabetic - monitor more frequently. (Im not)
Be careful with the Van guys, don't let them off the hook, but try and stay calm and reasonable. You don't need something serious to happen.
I have my daughter's sports day later, its going to be 29c. I am trying to pull myself together and go, not easy to show my face amongst all the other parents.
I am quite good at hiding my anxiety, but I'd prefer to hide away.
Good luck tonight Otterman. If it works, you will feel some control coming back which will be great.
PS there is this great article on this website:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/glovesoff
I started reading it last night and lots made sense to me.
Take care
Rad1
Hi Rad1
Sounds like you had a terrible night, the last thing you needed with anxiety is the thought someone is downstairs in your house. You say you have your own business, well oddly enough so did i up until march this year, had to wind it up after 10 years of stress and worrying about money, employees the tax man or men as it happens. Paid all my debts off and walked away.
I think too many things have append to me over the last 5 years and my brains just gone into melt down.
Its funny you should mention teeth as i have woke up afew times grinding them.
I took the sleeping tablet last night and slept for 5 hours which was good. I have actually felt the best so far today. Took the van into my local garage, hes going to see what it needs doing then ring the warranty people, it made me feel better looking out the window and not seeing it on the drive anymore, out of sight and all that.
I have rediscovered tuna sandwiches of which i have had two today plus my oats so simple.
It sounds like your meds are starting to work which is great news, you mentioned the shaking again before breakfast, i think its the restless nights that do it to us, my worst time now is the first couple of hours on a morning, and it is bad to be honest.
Im going to take another sleeper tonight but dont want to get two dependent on them.
Hope you had a good time at the sports day, even doing something like that is a massive thing, especially if your having to play act the part.
Anyway, hope you have a better night tonight.
Catch you later,
Living in hope Otterman..
Hi Otterman,
Pleased for you that you managed 5 hours sleep the other night. I think your body and brain were crying out for some sleep. It is great that you feel better yesterday, I am sure it is connected. I slept nicely too the past couple of nights, even though I only take 3/4 of a nytol now. I dont want to get too reliant on them either. But having zero sleep is guaranteed to send me downhill. How did you get on last night? And how are you getting on today? I hope better and that the van issue is sorted OK.
My business is really just me, and I pay a couple of others when I need them. I had plenty of struggles over the years, worked my socks off and had good times, but it all feels very fragile right now. That's what has really brought all this anxiety on with me. I feel the pressure more than the old days as I have my daughter to think of now. In the old days I would hunker down and live cheaply! Now I have plenty of extra expenses. When the anxiety kicks in, I find it hard to feel normal. Soon I will need to be at my best and most confident. I have decided to take it easy today, its so hot. I want to get myself feeling better. The terrible anxiety has slowed down, I'd say I am back to the level it was before the meds. So rather than 7/10 its about 4/10, at night often lower. Like I said before, it took around 4 to 6 weeks for the meds to help me feel myself, and be more positive.
I didn't need to go to sports day in the end which was good. I prefer a low profile for now.
How are you doing today? calmer I hope. Tuna sandwiches - love them, especially toasted.
Keep me posted on things.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad1,
Glad to hear your anxiety levels are falling and your sleeping better, sleep is the key like you say.
Dont go rushing back to work until you really feel you can, it would probably be better for you if you could just ease yourself back in.
Took another sleeper last night and was in bed at 11pm, woke up at 1.30am covered in sweat again and panicking, was off and on then untill 7am when i made myself get up.
Today has been a couple of steps back for me, been anxious all day more or less, even with the beta blockers.
The heat hasnt helped either 30c here this afternoon and i have been working on my fence and gate.
Best time of the day for me now by far, feeling more relaxed and had spag bol for tea most of which i managed.
Not much progress with the van, dont think they can find the problem with it, im lost without it at the moment.
Tomorrow will be better,
Thanks for listening to my rambles,
By for now, Otterman.
---------- Post added at 21:23 ---------- Previous post was at 21:21 ----------
Forgot to say im on day 19 of the flaux, and still waiting for them to kick in.
We’re in the same boat Otterman. I don’t think your posts are rambling, they are very striking and I relate to them and what you are going through. Yes the heat is not helping. I know what it’s like to jolt in the night and get in a state, it’s hard to take. When the meds kck in it will slow down and you will sleep better. When does your counselling start? At the bottom of all this is very likely some experiences you’ve been through that now come out in panic attacks. Maybe lots of small episodes that all added up. It’s stored subconsciously and for many it can result in panic attacks fir no apparent reason. I hope your counselling can help you map these things out. It’s not your fault, and you need to give yourself a pat on the back for coping through a nightmare. It’s going to get better.
Keep me posted, I will keep you posted too. Have a restful night.
Rad1
Well its day 20 Rad1 and its been up and down.
Oddly slept for 7 hours last night and only had a slight sweat, the sleeps down to the sleeping tablet i know, but i felt quite good when i got up.
Went to B&Q and it all went a bid bad, wave of panic came over me sat in the car park, had to make myself go in for the wood strainer i needed. Calmed down almost the second i got back in the car.
Spent most of the afternoon painting decking down at my caravan/new home, this just took my mind of everything, very therapeutic painting. Anxiety has begun to creep back up since i came home, but actually managed jacket spud chicken and sweetcorn ate the lot.
Doctors in the morning, dont know what to tell her, she should have some information on my therapy session, i know theres a waiting list.
Thought i had a burning sensation in my arms earlier which started to freak me out a bit until the wife pointed out i had sunburn. The mind is a very complicated beasty which given time can be tamed im sure.
All in all a better day than yesterday, haven't taken a beta blocker today so that must be good.
All the best for now
Otterman..
Day 20! You are on the home run Otterman.
7 hours kip - its your body catching up and great to hear. I don't think you will get stuck on the sleeping tablets, you are too aware about it all, but I am like you, extra cautious. You'd need to do 2 weeks in a row to start needing them. The Nytols I take are an alternative to consider, they are antihistamines. They are not strong, but help me. After a while they stop being so effective so you have to take a bit more. But I cut down for a few nights from time to time, perhaps I will skip one tonight. So keep that up your sleeve as an alternative option. Ask the doc if thats OK.
It sounds like the B&Q thing was tough for you. But hold on to the fact you've been and done those trips millions of times. Reassure yourself. And you've taken on plenty of challenges I am certain. In the end it sounds like you've been doing lots of positive things - decking - fence etc. Take a pat on the back. And soon enough you will be back under control. It only takes a split second of fear and the adrenalin and cortisone hits into the blood, that pumps up the heartbeat and suddenly you can start to feel like 'fight or flight'. It then makes you get anxious and so more goes into the blood, its a vicious circle. I suffered lots over certain situations when I was young and starting my first job. That is why I ended up working for myself. Now that's coming back to bight me I suppose. I wish I knew then what I know now. Even very famous people get panic attacks, they just get used to dealing with it, and with modern meds, it can be tamed. You will learn coping mechanisms. At one point I found flying really challenging, I got so panic stricken and couldn't eat for hours before. Then I would feel extra terrible in the departure lounge and hope I wasn't hemmed in at a window seat. It used to make me feel like I wanted to be sick. What is incredible, I ended up flying all over the world. I never dreamed I would get that beaten, but now I enjoy it. And also I used to hate eating out in restaurants, as I couldn't feel relaxed enough to eat. That too changed. I better keep all this victories in mind as I take on my new challenges.
Well done for holding back on the Blockers. It is good to know they are with you if things feel like you are losing control.
You take care Otterman, and whatever happens tonight, you know you can cope tomorrow.
Good you had some proper food. Food is our friend. It can lift spirits for sure.
When you see the doctor, don't hold back. Tell him/her its unbearable and ask if there is anyway you can be prioritised. I am sure that you will benefit from getting expert help. Panic attacks come for a reason. They will help you understand what that is, and why it is not your fault. They will show you ways to calm yourself. That is all positive.
I had a really difficult day. I think its because Im used to working long hours and keeping busy. Ive done that day in day out most of my life. Suddenly there is little for me to do and so I hang around at home alone. I end up on the sofa. I can't seem to face doing what I should be at the moment. I can be quite strict with myself. I can't let myself avoid what needs doing for too much longer. But I will give myself some time to lick my wounds. My day gets better around 4pm when the working day slows down, and I dont feel so guilty about not working. Anyways, its a battle. But onwards and upwards.
Take care and I will watch out for your updates.
Thanks for all your support Rad1, your advice really has been a great help to me.
I know exactly what you mean about not working, to be honest i dont want to get out of bed anymore on a morning, i have to make myself do things like getting a shower or even making a cuppa.
Day 21, i went to see the doctor this morning, i had a list of things in my head i wanted to talk to her about, but when i was face to face i just went numb. She wanted me to try another med, but i said i wanted to carry on with the flaux a couple of weeks more to see if things get better, so thats what im doing. I even forgot to tell her about the dreadful sore throat i have at the moment. She did ask me if i had heard from the therapist as she had referred me, so im expecting them to be in touch soon.
Sorry to here you where having a rough day yesterday, hope you have had a better one today.
I think you are doing the right thing taking some time out from work, only you will know when its time to go back.
Ive been rough again today, but i do think this heat is helping.
Best wishes Otterman..
Hi Otterman,
I think you are doing the right thing sticking with your medication. I don't think GPs always know the ins and outs of side effects and how long SRIs can take to work. But you only have to dig around on these forums and other sites to realise that for those with anxiety issues, it can be a rollercoaster ride for 4 to 6 weeks. And thats also my personal experience too. I am sure everyone is different, and perhaps another will have a lesser effect on you, but I got the same effect with cytalopram as the Sertraline I take now. I wonder if it would mean gradually coming off the existing med, and then starting over with the other, or whether you can just swap over and start the 4-6 weeks of side effects again.
I know what you mean about going in to see a doctor with a bunch of things to say and then ending up going blank. I make a list now, as it happened to me so many times. I hope the therapist gets in touch too, in my experience it is important work to do on yourself, but progress takes time. It is all positive.
This heat doesn't help like you say. It makes life uncomfortable when you are not feeling well. I imagine that if you are in a caravan, its really much hotter. Everyone else around me, is over the moon with it. Last night I took my partner and daughter to a restaurant as it was half price (during the footi). I felt good for that couple of hours, like this whole nightmare hadn't happened. I have to watch the money, something I am worrying about, but a treat like that made me feel human. Then I decided to take just a 1/3 of my nytol as its been a whole month of me taking it. I woke at 3am and struggled to get back to sleep for an hour. Then woke soon after. It was warm too. Duvet on and off. Was not nice. Perhaps it would have happened even with a whole Nytol. I seem to have the slight shakes again this morning and also feel more tense. The higher dose is probably doing that as it had all calmed down earlier in the week. I will try and do the same tonight. This morning I've kept busy as I had a Skype meeting, which went fine. Then I had my counselling. I noticed how I let myself get in to a state with worry as I covered my fears about my situation. I managed to get myself together. It was quite tough that session, saying how all this has made me feel about myself and talking about my fears, but on reflection I got something from it.
I am glad the weekend is almost here. Another week gone and I hope a bit nearer to feeling more normal again. I want to wind down tonight and give myself a break from this misery of anxiety. I am pleased we connected and are able to share whats going on. Last night I scrolled quite a few other posts and saw so many others with similar struggles. Its such a shame. But at least it helps me appreciate that I'm not the only one with such problems.
Look forward to hearing your news later. I hope you had a better night and a more relaxed day.
Cheers, Rad1
Well its day 22 today and its been totally weird..
Took my sleeper last night and had a really good unbroken sleep, i felt great for the first half hour but then the anxiety slowly crept back in and i got the prickly sensation back down my neck and arms. Had to go to tescos food shopping and was dreading it, strange thing was i managed it fine.
Back down the caravan painting all afternoon, and my wife commented at one point that i was back, and i was for about an hour, and then back to the feeling that i consider to be normal for me now, which is just niggling background anxiety, if that make sense.
Im not living in the caravan yet by the way, im trying to get it all sorted ready for the big push.
One of the grand kids came to stop the night, so i had to pretend to be happy grandpa when in actual fact i just felt nothing inside, which sounds awful i know. I keep getting the feeling that i am slowly becoming detached from myself its awful. Dont know if these are all side effects of the floax, they probably are.
I do believe that swapping meds, or even upping the dose will set people back to the start of there side effects.
Its much cooler here now than its been all week, so im hoping for another good nights sleep, i only have 4 sleeping tablets left as the gp was reluctant to let me have any more and rightly so i suppose.
Its good to here that the counselling is helping you, it must be good just to get things out in the open.
Hope you have a better night tonight and get some good sleep, as you have said before its the key.
Well thats today done and out of the way, onwards and upwards tomorrow hey?
Catch up later.
Thanks and cheers Otterman..
I think it’s great that you’re keeping a little diary here. Does it help you to look back on it and see how much better you’re doing?
And hey, don’t we all fake happy moods sometimes? I didn’t today and I felt SO guilty when I saw the look on my daughters face! So fake it until you make it I say!
Hope today has been better.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Scass, thanks for reply,
Today is day 23 and has probably been the hardest so far. Woke up with prickly skin and it has just stayed with me all day, hopefully these are the worst side effects and it can only get better from here on.
Had more family round today 6 in total including a baby, so had to really try hard not to let them see the anguish i was going through, they must have noticed my lack of conversation though as im normally very chatty.
I have had a couple of fleeting moments today when i felt normal but that was it, looking forward to my sleeping tablet to escape for a couple of hours.
Tomorrow will be better im sure..
Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Glad you slept well. I had the opposite. I woke at 1.30 and couldn't sleep. After an hour I reached over and swallowed my 'emergency' nytol. I managed to get back off to sleep, and then woke soon after. Repeated a few times. I thought that would line me up for a bad day. My partner and daughter went out for the morning. I tried to get some rest, but not successful. In the end I thought Id get something positive out of the day, and gave a big clean up to the bedrooms. It did feel like something was achieved. I also thought I had to get some exercise in, and the cleaning was quite hard graft. And I also shipped a spare bed from my sister's house, on the roof rack of my car. In the end I must have spent about 5 or 6 hours cleaning. A good distraction.
Just like your painting, its helpful to do something to distract away from the anxiety. Good for you for putting a 'happy' face for your grandchild. I am not sure my daughter knows whats going on with me, I try to hide it from her. But I did tell her I wasn't feeling good at the moment. I am giving her lots of cuddles etc. I'd hate it if she felt insecure. I recall as a young boy lots of insecurity in my home. We were pretty much evicted and my dad had to find a job overseas. Quite a challenge for my mum who had me and my 3 siblings to care for alone. I don't want that for my girl. Probably some of my anxiety relates to that.
It is good to hear that the old you was back, even if it was only for an hour. Maybe the meds are starting to work, even if just for a small while. I hope that happens more and more. I recall last time around feeling the usual me one morning for a while. I had tough days following it, but bit by bit I started to get more of those normal me times. Feeling detached is a difficult one. But I expect that its all the chemical change going on in your brain, and I hope a sign that things are beginning to change. Not sure about the 'prickly' feeling down your neck and arms, maybe down to painting work? I once had a 'brain zap' which is like an electrical buzz in your head, which last a split second. It is a known side effect of SSRIs. Maybe it can also give you the prickly feeling down your nerves too. I think I recall having some really nice dreams too!
I hope you have a good night tonight Otterman, I am going to try and go one more night without the Nytol. If I wake extra early and cant sleep, I will have a nytol on standby again.
As it is Sunday tomorrow, it is not the end of the world if I am a bit tired.
Have a good day tomorrow too. It is nice to hear your news and about how you are getting on. Take care, Rad1.
Hey there when I first went on meds it took about 3 weeks to start having an effect , maybe give it a little longer hope u feel better soon
Hi Rad,
Slept well again last night rite through to 5.30 this morning, dont know what will happen when i stop the sleeping pills, well i kind of know really!
Sorry to here your not getting much sleep at the moment,im going to ask the doctor about nytol when i go on thursday, it sounds like a handy thing to have in your arsenal. Good for you getting stuck into the bedrooms, yes it helps allot to divert your focus away from the niggling overthinking, i have been painting again today for three hours sat in a chair with a brolly over me, at one point i was actually singing along to the radio.
Today has been better than yesterday, had a couple of normal spells and even a few positive thoughts.
Oddly i went very anxious when i got home, think it was because of all the furniture and stuff i still have to get rid of, took my first beta blocker for three days and that seemed to do the trick, followed this by eating a full sunday dinner.
Good news too about my therapy session, its on the 12th of this month and is an hour long, its made me feel a bit better just knowing i can tell someone els in confidence some of the mad stuff that's been going through my mind over these last 4 weeks.
The prickly feeling has been with me again all day today, but the beta blocker seems to have got rid of that one too.
So day 24 not too bad on the whole. My wife goes back to work tomorrow so i will be on my own all day, see how that pans out eh?
Thats me for now, hope you had a good day..
Cheers Otterman..
---------- Post added at 19:26 ---------- Previous post was at 19:23 ----------
Squizzell, thanks for your support, im sticking to the meds and hoping for the best outcome, today has been better than yesterday.
Thanks again
Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
When you ask the dr, its Nytol 1 a day, not the herbal nytol.
Pleased that you had some OK moments today, including some positive thoughts. Shame it turned bad later at home. I hope you get a good rest again. That may have got your body clock sorted. Fingers crossed.
As you know this weekend I tried to cut out the Nytols, and again last night it was not a good sleep. Im sure the heat doesn't help. I woke at 3.30 and was unable to settle. I thought sod this and took half. Somehow nodded off and woke up again a few times. I also need the toilet more than usual, wonder if its the side effects. It was partner's birthday today so tried to look a bit more positive for her sake. Its been awful for her, she doesn't really get it all. I wanted to give her a nicer day than she has been having with my terrible mental state. She bought tickets for an event in a big park about 40 mins away. It was hot, we were late, I sat in the car driving feeling negative and how I really didn't want to go. It was full of happy, successful looking people. I feel like my life is going downhill, and everyone else around me seems so normal and happy. I did the deal and am now back home. I am anxious tonight incase I have a crap night again. I decided to take 2/3 of a nytol. I am not looking forward to the week ahead. Its been a whole month since all my anxiety kicked in. What a torture and I dont seem to know what to do with myself. I think it will take time to feel strong enough to take new challenges on, but I also have some small bits of work to do for people, and also sort my taxes out. Really cant face any of it.
My partner goes back to work tomorrow too. Ive spent lots of time alone this month. Im lucky that my sister is on whatsapp and sends me very supportive and calming messages. I think my perspective of life is quite unbalanced at the moment and so it helps.
So I hope all goes well for you Otterman, tonight and through the day tomorrow. Catch up then,
Regards,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like you had the day from hell to me, its a testament to your inner strength being able to go through your day and come out the other side. Its one of the worst things about this illness having to pretend your ok to people, it completely wares you out.
Hopefully your partner enjoyed her birthday..
It sounds like you are suffering the same kind of thoughts as i am, especially the people envy thing! I know exactly what you mean. Everybody in the world seems to be better off than you, and go about there daily business without a care in the world, it all seems so unfair.
But what we have to remember is the fact its a chemical malfunction in our minds and we are going to get better no matter how long it takes.
I feel most of the time that i have somehow managed to trigger some invisible self distruct button and im going to eventually end up living in a bus shelter with nothing and no one..The brain can definitely be your own worst enemy for sure.
Anyway i hope you managed to get some decent sleep last night, i managed about 5 hours with the sleeping pill.
Day 25 of the floux, woke up this morning around 4 covered in sweat again and in panic, then the thoughts started to race through my head as they always seem to at that time. Must have dosed off again for a while and woke up at 6.30 in exactly the same state!
I have been using the beta blockers today as the doctor prescribed them, 3 daily, so i haven't been too bad today to be fair, not had the prickly sensation in my neck and arms, so that's a bonus. Still having lots of negative thoughts with very little in the line of positive ones.
Just wish the clouds would roll back and i could be me again just for an hour or so..
Anyway, im sure we will beat this eventually, just got to keep going with the meds although it sucks.
And i do know it feels like a very lonely road at times, its good you have a sister you can chat to, that must help a great deal.
Well im off to try and eat something, so catch you later, and remember its just the chemicals messing with us.
All the best Otterman.
Cheers for your supportive message Otterman, it’s nice to be able to share the reality with you. We understand each other. Somehow last night I slept ok, I did wake up, but I made a promise to myself to give myself a break from the worry at night. I remember years ago when I had a bad anxiety period for similar reasons, I used to ‘hang up’ the worries on a peg on the back of my door, and tell them I’d see them tomorrow. It worked last night, maybe it will again tonight. I think you deserve a peaceful night too.
I sadly had a very low day today, despite the sleep. Everything took 3 x as long to do, and I had little motivation to be productive. It really was hard to take. But the inner strength came out and I collected my girl from school, did spelling practice and took her to ballet lesson, which I can’t afford but will find it somehow. Then I went to this yoga centre where they teach meditation and positive thinking. We were taught about affirmations. That’s when you say something positive like, ‘I am going to get through this’ and ‘I have great skills and can recover’ etc etc. by saying it out loud, ur inner mind starts to hear it and if u keep doing it every morning, it can start to replace the negative thoughts in your head. I’ve plenty of negative ones to kick out. It sounds over the top, but it also seems valid. I’m going to make a list of them. I started the breathing and meditation a few weeks back to try and tame the brain, it’s a kind of nice relief to sit quietly with eyes shut, breathing deeply and focusing on say a candle. I have managed to get some relief in bad moments. I bet your laughing at the thought :)
I hope you get another good rest, and a more positive time tomorrow. We are due a bit of peace and quiet;)
How is the van coming along? Any progress.
Cheers, Rad1
Hi,
I was just wondering first how are you?
Secondly did the zopiclone work for you?
Hello Roseessa,
Struggling a bit today with some bad side effects from the fluoxetine meds.
How are you today? good i hope. You ask if the zopiclone works for me? the answer is yes to a certain extent, i take it an hour before i go to bed and have been getting 5 to 6 hours sleep. Before i started taking them i was lucky to get a couple of hours, problam is im down to my last couple and they are addictive so the doctor probably won't give me anymore. Also i read somewhere that your body becomes used to them and they stop working after a while.
Hope this helps, and good luck..
Best wishes, Otterman.
---------- Post added at 17:44 ---------- Previous post was at 17:13 ----------
Hi Rad,
It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to do things, three times as long or even ten times. The thing is you are doing them which is great.
Sounds like you got a decent nights sleep, good idea hanging your problems up. Im dreading running out of sleeping pills, its the only peace i get from my nagging thoughts.
I have spent most of my life with a back up plan in case the wheels ever fell off! Well this time the wheels have fallen off and i have no back up plan. This is how i seem to be wired up, im constantly trying to think my way out of my situation but cant, and round and round it goes.
You made me smile when you told me about your meditation, what ever works for you has to be good. I don't get enough quiet time to do that, i have two dogs to look after that bark at there own shadows!
Anyway its day 26 i think, had 6 hours sleep, woke up the usual way cold sweat and anxious.. Got straight up and had my meds 30 mins later felt ok, then it all went down hill.
You asked me about my van? well i picked it up on saturday, did about 60 miles over the weekend and yesterday no problem. Got in it this morning to go down to he caravan reversed off the drive and no power, stuck on tick over. Pulse through the roof, Adrenalin burning through my body, you can imagine..Not quite full panic but it was close.
Drove it at 10mph round to garage, hes had a look at it and told me i have bought a pile of rubbish. He rang me this afternoon to tell me he had fixed it and took me out for a test drive, half mile up the road it cut out again. Im at my whits end with it, ended up leaving it with him to have another look.
Rang the garage i bought it from and the bloke was just full of bull, the warranty people keep saying we will ring you back and never do. I dont know.
I think if everything had gone to plan today i would have had a half decent one, but as it stands now im exhausted with it all, rocks, crawling and dying spring to mind.
Tomorrow really has to be better.
Hope you had a decent one..
All the best Otterman
Hi,
Thanks for replying.
Oh that is bad.
In a lot of pain today sadly but just had 2 lots of morphine so that should be kicking in soon.
Yeah, I was just wondering as I was given zopiclone and it didn't work so seeing if it does for others and how well. They gave it me due to going 4-5 days without sleep so now they want to try another pill.
Glad it works for you though :).
Yes they can be addictive and they ask you to do a while off and then you can go back on them if needs be but they mainly use it to get your body in a sleep schedule.
hi Otterman,
That story about your van - it is so upsetting. When you are on edge and also every penny counts, its so very very hard to take. I can only send my message of support to you. That garage sound like total cheats. I hope you get some justice Otterman, you deserve to. I can imagine you are stuck at home when you need to be down the caravan.
Its an awful way to wake up, cold sweat and anxious. I wake up with a dread, and honestly dont know what to do - lie in bed and try to relax, or get up. In the end there comes a time when I must get up and do breakfast for my daughter. It sounds like we are both struggling over the past days. Its the worse feeling to feel that life is going down the pan or as you say 'wheels are coming off'. Today after dropping my daughter at school, I forced myself to get on with work, which is at my computer. Again, very hard to concentrate, but started by haggling down my household insurance by £200. They always stick the price up on renewal. My heart sank and luckily the insurers where actually very nice.
I got hot today at my desk, like sweats. And I had moments of total negativity where I just lay my forehead on the desk and almost cried. I wish I could. But I did my breathing and said some positive affirmations, and yes it worked a bit. I started to wonder if the extra med dosage I am taking is giving me extra anxiety. But as the day went on, I felt like I accomplished things. I met my partner and daughter in the park for a picnic in the warm evening sun. It was nice and empty. I bumped in to a lovely friend I hadn't seen for 2 years. The sort of friend you can feel comfortable with even if you are not great. Anyway, I went home and for about 1 and a half hours, I felt myself and managed smiles and it felt amazing. I hope the serotonin levels are up which would mean the meds might be starting to work. I prey they are. Anyway, Im fairly calm tonight. I think its like you Otterman, your wife saying that you were back for a bit the other day.
I have also been anticipating something like this for most of my unorthodox life, in recent years things were looking up. My plan B is fragile. I am hoping I can start to feel back to myself so I can take big challenges that lay ahead. I need to feel more positive to stand a chance, get my confidence back. Anyway, I feel like a wounded animal in the wild.
I prey that we both get some good hours tomorrow. That would give hope.
Get the Nytols in as plan B. And I promise you - relaxation on youtube, you must give it a go. I bet even for 30 mins you would be able to rest up.
Take care Otterman. PS lovely to have dogs to be with. I look after my sisters sometimes and its comforting.
Rad1
hi Otterman,
Im before you today. I hope you had a better day today. I cracked on with some work and after a shaky start, felt encouraged. Then I heard some very bad news about a client who is set to leave me. Its been my main bread and butter money for 8 years, and known them for 18 years! Anyway, I knew it was coming, but its possibly a month or two sooner than I had hoped. Somehow I already started to accept this, but it did upset me to hear that I was discussed by the new boss in an unfavourable way. Anyway, tonight I cooked dinner for the family, had a nice time with my daughter and Im lying here about to chill down. I have a meeting tomorrow in the West End (London). I have to get on a crowded tube in the heat and then look confident at the meeting with a few others. Im not reporting, just invited to attend. I prey I get some good rest tonight. I have a feeing it will result in a bit of a bad restless night.
Take care Otterman, sleep well. I think you said you have a Dr appointment tomorrow?
Maybe mistaken.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
You sound like you had quite a positive day yesterday, good on you bartering the insurance down, you actually reminded me i have to sort the caravan insurance out before i move in.
Your picnic sounds like just the the thing you needed to lift your spirits, and meeting a good old friend was a bonus for you too.
I think your right about the downer you had at your computer, it probably is the increase to your meds thats causing it, i think it will all settle down in a couple of weeks for us both, hopefully.
Im back at the doctors again in the morning, and again i probably won't know what to say to her, its very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it just how it feels, which as you know is quite horrific at its worst. Hopefully i am past that point now.
Had some good news this morning, one of my garden sheds arrived at the caravan(in kit form of course) borrowed the wifes car and spent the day putting it together, so my mind was fully occupied for at least 4 hours and like yourself yesterday i was me for a while.. Maybe we are turning the corner! hope so.
Its day 27 for me today, still woke up covered in sweat, but the bonus was i wasn't as anxious as i have been since i started taking the fluoxetine.
Went to check on the progress of my van this afternoon, its working again but he cant find the problem thats causing it, i took it for a run and it seemed ok, when i got back he was mumbling about checking something else on it, then two more customers came into the waiting area and i just started to panic, had to leave there and then it was really strange and not nice at all, once i was outside i was fine, this hasn't happened to me before and was very unnerving. Bet the bloke wondered where i had gone..
I will go back tomorrow, pick it up, pay him for his time, try to move some furniture, break down again and repeat the whole process! Or maybe it is fixed? Positive thoughts.
All in all its not been two bad a day, more good than bad, worst part by far was my blip at the garage.
Hope you have had a good day Rad.
Wishing you happiness Otterman.
---------- Post added at 21:20 ---------- Previous post was at 21:07 ----------
Hi again,
Think our posts crossed over there,awful news about your client, there doesnt seem to be much loyalty anymore where people are concerned, sighn of the changing times.
Be big on the inside tomorrow and use that inner strength of yours and im sure you will be fine.
The heat is a big problem for everyone that works at the moment, But at least the tubes are air conditioned..
Hope you do get a good nights rest, and good luck for tomorrow.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Cheers Otterman, it is nice to have some positive words of encouragement. I think I will handle the meeting OK, I feel I can get through a few hours. As long as I get some sleep ;)
The client kicking me out is due to a change of the big boss. Thats what happened to me a few times in the past with others. I cant really be angry with them, but it has set all this panic off hence my anxiety, which has also made me depressed. I have no choice but to face it. I hope I (and you) are on the mend, would be timely.
Your shed sounds good, I like the idea of your caravan. Sounds like a nice place to settle down. It also sounds like your day was far better than recent days which is really positive.
Cheers, Rad1
Hi Rad,
Hope your day went well,and you managed to get through your meeting ok.
Got a decent nights sleep last night, woke up as usual sweating and had to get up and take my meds before my mind had chance to start racing.
Went to doctors at 9am, she gave me another weeks supply of my sleeping pills but said just take one if i really need to, my wife went with me, she has been very supporting through all this.
Got back home, wife went to work so i decided to have a walk to the garage to see how the van was doing. When i got there it was rammed out with people waiting for there cars, that was enough, turned round and came straight home.
Not been great today, felt on a constant downer, i didnt help myself as i rang the bloke who i bought the van off and lost my temper with him and hung up.
Went down to the caravan late this afternoon when my wife got home, finished the roof off on the shed and hopefully get it finished tomorrow and the washer and dryer down there at the weekend.
I really need to start getting my head together, cant seem to cope with any interaction with the outside world at the moment.
Day 28 today, felt much better yesterday than today.
Hope you are doing ok.
Best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Good the dr gave you more sleepers, as a reserve. Sounds like a rough day. But at least posivity at the end as you did the shed roof. I did my meeting ok. I’ve lost a lot of weight and wondered if anyone would comment. They didn’t. It was all very friendly. My brain wasn’t in gear and I felt out of my depth to be honest. Listening to the other 4 i realised how much out of my depth I am. Not good for confidence but then again I’m pleased I handled myself ok.
I was so tired after, I did a food shop trying to find the bargains. We spend way over what is now going to be viable. My partner carries on buying quality items and it worries. Switching back doesn’t seem like her priority. If I raise it it causes friction and upset. I believe in a good diet, but if possible via the bargains.
I tried to sleep for a bit this afternoon but got overwhelmed with anxiety and had a lump in my throat. But I had a good end to the day, I bought a lovely bike for my girl. I found it on eBay. A bargain. Picked it up a few miles away and she was ever so happy to try it out before bedtime. Her little face lifted me. I told my brother in law about the lump in my throat all afternoon, which was down to anxiety. He commented that I should ‘live in the moment,’ not be so fearful of what may never happen. And he’s probably right, but it’s hard not to be anxious with my position. That anxiety makes me feel I won’t be able to cope.
I hope you get through the day much better tomorrow. I will do my utmost to do the same. It’s very tiring and sad, but we will hopefully be calmer and happier in ourselves before long. Keep your chin-up Otterman.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like things went ok for you yesterday apart from the anxiety when you where trying to have a nap, the anxiety always gets me if i try and have a sleep during the day, so i just avoid it now.
Your partner spending too much money sounds very familiar to me too.
Day 29 today, i have noticed a pattern emerging today,first thing on a morning i feel terrible, really anxious, an hour later after my tablets i settle down for a couple of hours, then later in the afternoon through to about tea time im very anxious and this is the part of the day i get the prickly skin on my arms and neck, tea time until bed time im at my best.
Picked up the van today, mt mechanic said to take it and try it for a couple of days if its ok, i will have to pay him, if it does it again he says i dont owe him anything, which seems fair to me.
I have ordered a new engine wiring harness, im going to fit it myself, i used to build bus engines so i have some idea what im doing.
I only drove the van back to my house half a mile at the most, then went in the car back down to the caravan, its so peaceful down there, i cant wait to get in full time. Got some friends coming to stop tomorrow night, im in charge of cooking a curry for them, i may even have a beer, i haven't had any alcohol for over three weeks now, think thats a record for me.
I finished my shed and painted it, i have a steel one been delivered on monday, once i have that up i can move all my tools and garage stuff down.
Im waffling lol..
Hope you have had a good day today Rad,
Best wishes Otterman..
Hi Otterman,
Another week over, another load of horrible moments. But today sounds better for you. I think curry tomorrow and a beer sounds like something to look forward to. And it’s nice to hear about you loving the caravan. Very positive.
I had a tough start as usual, I found it hard to get going. I woke at 5am with the planes going over, I live under a flight path. They’ve been absent for a week due to wind direction. I had counselling at 11.30 which I spent some time preparing for. I scribbled notes about things I went through as a child and then young man starting out in life. I think some of those things have contributed to my anxiety over the years, and they certainly shaped my unorthodox journey. So for an hour my therapist helped me draw those conclusions and it’s all helpful in working things out for me. This latest threat to my financial security has brought it all back. I tried a nap after but again I jumped as I tried to rest, like the nightmare started playing in my head. I hate that. I tidied up lots and we had a nice evening in the garden. I want the house to be ready fir my partners sister, boys and husband, who will stay next week. They are nice, but it’s going to be full on and expensive. I believe I can hide my state and get the other side. I don’t think they would get it. I’ prefer they don’t know about my last month of hell as they might see it as a weakness. I suppose it is, but not of my chosing.
I have my sisters dog tomorrow which is a treat. I’m very fond of him, it really does feel like a mans best friend right now. I hope your van is sorted, and you gets good rest tonight. enjoy a nice beer tomorrow and feel like your usual self for a bit.
I’m preying the worry calms down again. I need to complete some difficult work and will try and focus for a few hours, then watch the footy.
Cheers,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
The idea of planes flying over constantly makes me anxious just thinking about it, but if its what you are used to i dont suppose its not a big issue. Sounds like your counselling went well and you seem to be very positive.
You will probably enjoy the company of your partners family next weekend, i was dreading my friends coming up today, but now the are here and i have fed them its time to relax and i have just opened a can of beer for the first time in three weeks.
Its day 30, woke up at 5 this morning, but didn't get up until 7.30 kept sleeping for 15 minuet intervals and waking with a start four or five times, before giving up and getting out of bed.
Not been too bad this afternoon, watched england beet sweden wich was nice, cooked tea and now watching russia v croatia with my childhood best friend, they know about my illness so i don't have to pretend which is good. The first thing he remarked on was the amount of weight i have lost which to be fair is about a stone and half.
Went out in the van and didn't break down! first time for everything.
Enjoy looking after your sisters dog, they are so good for the soul, its surprising what difference just petting a dog can do for stress.
Try not to get too sressed about financial matters, once your on the mend im sure you can turn things around, you sound like you can be very determined to achieve your goals, its just at the moment you probably cant see that, but its true.
Hang in there and wait for the meds to start working, they will sooner or later. Lets just hope its sooner for us.
Hope you have had a good start to the weekend today Rad..
All the best, and cheers Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I’m Pleased you enjoyed this afternoon. I too liked the England win. I had a bad night. It was very hot and I sleep in the loft which is the warmest room in my home. I was soaked in sweat. And then my partner got up and opened the velux at 2.30! Slept little with constant ruminating which scrutinized all my money worries and by the time I got up at 8, I was really feeling negative and anxious. Tried to lay down but kept waking in a jump. I started to be calm and relaxed after the footi, did a roast, went for a walk with my sisters dog which was nice. Now I’m setting down for the night. I too am hoping that the meds take hold soon. I recall they did around 6 weeks last time. Most advice and many taking them say 4 to 6 weeks. This time Im up against it more with life, I hope meds can cover that extra anxiety and fear. It really is a struggle. I figure the best days are when I am forced to stay busy. I am wondering if I should make myself work tomorrow. Not what I want, but perhaps that will give me a sense of achievement and a sign I’m moving on. I am also wondering if the proper relief will be me earning again which feels like a big battle for me. Sometimes when I struggle with the anxiety, I think how on earth can I work in this state or even think about looking for a new client or job. I’m going to be kind to myself and give another few weeks to let the meds kick in.
I want to give myself a day off worry tomorrow if I can. Fingers crossed.
Hope all good tonight for you Otterman. And tomorrow you get a nice time at your Caravan.
Thanks for your positive words in you post above.
Cheers!
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Hopefully this heat wave will break this week and we can all get a bit of relief. Its really difficult to sleep when you feel like your on fire.
I think you are doing the right thing taking some extra time off work, you need to be well before you throw yourself back in. Keep plodding along and let time be the healer(plus the meds of course)
Hope you had your worry free day, its about time we had a bit of a break from it all.
Well today is day 31 and into week five, i can honestly say that today has been my worst day yet! Anxiety from the word go with no real let up.. Im hoping its the fluox reaching its maximum in my system that's causing it.
I think the three pints of beer i had last night didn't help me one bit so as from today im back on the wagon until i start to feel like myself again, which hopefully will be soon.
Had to sleep with no zopiclone last night as i had a drink, and only managed a couple of hours of interrupted sleep, then just before dawn my brain went into overdrive and my pulse was double time, had to take a beta blocker which calmed me down after about half an hour or so.
Managed to get my washing machine and tumble dryer down to the caravan and tucked away in the shed, that was my accomplishment for the day.
Im going to give the fuox another couple of weeks, if i don't see any change at all for the better, i think i should maybe try something else as this is getting really bad.
I do hope you got a decent nights sleep, doesn't seem like too much to ask really.
Keep chipping away for the moment, better days must be just round the corner.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I’m sorry you suffered badly today. It’s like I felt yesterday. It is exausting. As per my post yesterday, I started to question the meds effectiveness. But I will give it more time.
Today I managed to give up the worry fairly well. I kept busy cleaning and food shopping. Each time a bad thought appeared I said, not today I’m gonna get the best out of today. My worry side will say I’m sticking my head in the sand, my kind side - it won’t help worrying the whole weekend, take time off and try to forget for the day. As My sisters dog was not allowed in the shop, I was not at the till for payment, I gave my card to my partner instead, and didn’t ask what the total was. I did start to get that sinking feeling outside, but did deep breathing and got through it. My daughter and I ended the day on a high. I helped her with her school project which she was overly stressed by. She calmed down and I was her rock. And it gave me enormous satisfaction. The other day she was proud to introduce a school mate to me, this is my dad. I felt like she was proud and it lifted me.
So today was that much better day that I so badly needed. And for you it was a shocker. It’s all so cruel this anxiety. I know Monday’s tend to be my nightmare day. I’m going to keep busy as I can, show myself I can keep going.
I agree about the heat, it makes sleep harder, makes you feel irritable in the day. I would love a few warm days and nights instead! I think you counselling starts soon Otterman, something to give hope. I think 3 pints would definitely give me a downer, and I hope you bounce back tomorrow. Keep chipping away at your tasks with the caravan. I’m pushing the food down, trying to stop the huge weight loss. Exercising is the last thing I want to do, but I keep reading it’s so helpful in controlling anxiety and depression. I’m not keen to burn more calories! But I am going to try to do some in the next few days. 8 weeks ago I was running 10km regularly. I didn’t stop my breakdown. But perhaps it will make me feel better if I get jogging again, just fir 10 mins. Each breath out, I will imagine all that negativity being released.
Anyways, I am rambling now! I hope you get a good night, or if you don’t, you stay calm and try taking deeper breaths. It does help me get back to earth most of the time. And fingers crossed you have a good’n tomorrow. Take care and keep going Otterman. You will get better, believe me.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Thanks for your kind words of support yesterday, they made me feel a little less lost.
Good you had a much better day yesterday, i think the key is to keep busy, i find if i'm constantly doing things i have less time to dwell on my problems.
I think its a shame that children are put under so much pressure nowadays, my grandchildren have the same stress with piles of homework and so on.
You mentioned exercise, i dont think it will do you any arm to take it easy for a good few weeks, you can always build your fitness levels back up gradually, Like you said we should try and hang on to the calories and not burn them off.
It was only a couple of months ago i cleared out all the clothes that were too small for me, now im left with clothes that look ridiculously large on me.
Day 32 today, completely different day to yesterday, only a small amount of anxiety during the day, still woke up at 5.30 in a sweaty panic, but managed to get back to sleep till 7.30 the most sleep i have had for over a month.
I'm seeing the councillor tomorrow at 2pm, i'm feeling quite positive about it.
I have kept myself busy again today, painting, and at lunch time my steel shed arrived which i have started putting together.
I think its weird how we can have such contrasting days one after the other, all i can say is that the meds must be starting to work, fingers crossed hey?
Hope you had a good one today, the cooler air is moving south as i type, it been much cooler in the north today, bliss actually.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
So pleased to hear you had a decent day, it’s just what you needed. I also chucked out my small shirts and trousers a few months back, and about 3 inches have gone off my waist. I couldn’t lose the love handles no matter how hard I exercised, now they’ve gone I miss them. Yes the cooler weather came tonight, I’m so happy. Warm is all I like, not 30c. I hope it helps with sleep. I slept without a nytol on Saturday, but last night I could not get to sleep and caved in about 1am. Only got intermittent sleep, but after school run, lay on my bed for an hour listening to a relaxation on YouTube. The cool breeze through the open window felt so nice, like I was on holiday. I struggled with the tasks in hand at work, but made some progress. My brain was working at 65%, I will take that, better than the 50% over the previous weeks. I managed to keep the worrying down today again :) there were sad moments where I am in touch with reality, but this time last week I had a shocker. I have a couple of challenges tomorrow re work requests. I’m hoping this purple patch continues. Relatives Wednesday Then a meeting on Thursday.
If I crack all those things and keep busy, I think I will be on the up. But it could easily go back to the same as last week, so keeping grounded.
Good luck tomorrow Otterman, I think it’s important to talk with someone outside of your family and friends. It gives a better perspective. Maybe you have some inkling about what’s sparked all this off. It will be good to share that privately.
Catch up tomorrow, take care.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds to me like you may be turning a corner which is great news, your week sounds like its going to be pretty busy. Its a good thing too that you are managing to do some work, just don't over do it, and enjoy your time with the family when they come to stay.
Day 33, still waking in a panic but the sweating seems to be easing off a little, wide awake at 5.30, dosed off again for an hour then up.. Today has by far been the best day for me so far, apart from going to the wrong place for my therapy, i went to my local surgery and was horrified to find it closed for the afternoon, rang the phone number on the door and was told my appointment was 4 miles away at there other surgery!
Somehow managed to get there only 6 minuets late in a bit of a fluster. My session went really well i got lots off my chest and feel better for it. I told them all the stressful things that have happened to me in the last five years, and especially between Christmas and now, shutting my business, moving to another part of the country, trying to do a heavy manual job for 4 weeks until i was completely exhausted with the twelve hour night shifts. He said it was a testament to my character that i lasted this long without some sort of episode. Hes booked me another appointment for a week on monday to check my progress.
Not had to take any beta blockers today which is good, and overall i would say its getting better, less side effects, and i have had an appetite today for the the first time in ages.
But like yourself i know there will probably be some more bad days to come, but hopefully we are turning the corner.:)
Hope your have had another decent day today,
Keep me posted,
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Well done for getting to the therapy. I think a week ago that would have been much harder to deal with. It sounds like you’ve been through the mill in recent years and it is great to have a therapist who tells you that. I think you are going to understand what’s behind that anxiety and how it’s simply not your fault. I can tell by your posts that you are a considerate man, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you put everyone else before yourself. I stress it’s an educated guess. But nows the time to put yourself at the top of the pile and get family to rally around you. You deserve it. Be kind to yourself. You will get better bit by bit. The counselling can be hard sometimes, but it’s important work. So pleased you feel positive about it and had a better day.
I slept without a nytol, a bit broken but the cooler breeze was a help. I managed quite a difficult work task today. My brain did it:) and that makes me feel I’m getting more control back. I still had moments of negativity and worry, but 3 days in a row without desperation. I said to my sister, I feel like I may be out of the Icey water, but I now need to climb up a very slippery icerberg, little steps.
I am calm tonight despite the food shop, 6 hungry mouths to feed for 5 days. Again I let my partner do the shop, I paid and asked not to know the total. I grew up with very little. My mum got us through lean times. When I went out on my own, I knew how to make the money I earned go far.
Anyway, I hope the week progresses in good way for us both. I’m sure it ain’t going to be smooth, but fingers crossed we are starting to feel the benefits of the meds. Take care Otterman.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Three days in a row, lets hope its four with today.. Sounds like you are getting your brain power back too.
Hope its going well with the family visit, at least they sound like they will all be well fed.
Had a strange day today, not really felt down but had a strange fuzzy headache that i cant seem to shake off, its a bit like a hangover but without the alcohol!
Even with the zoplicone i didn't get much sleep, think they are loosing there effect a bit, only got a weeks worth left and i cant see them letting me have anymore.
Day 33 today, not been a bad day, but nowhere near as good as yesterday, maybe the lack of sleep last night, and working out in the sun all afternoon hasn't done me much good.
My daughter is coming up to see me tomorrow, so im looking forward to that, haven't seen her for way too long.
Hope things are still going good for you.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It’s strange the sleep thing. I got a fairly good rest without nytol last night. I woke at 5, aware I had to be up extra early as my daughter had a school trip. So not that rested. It’s a shame you didn’t rest that well. And this headache thing, maybe that’s the chemical changes in your brain, I think it will settle down. But be aware that some headache tablets can’t be taken with SSRIs. Some can. I did it wrong once and it made my head worse.
I didn’t get the privacy I’m used to at home. Not much chance for lunch either. I’m sounding grumpy, actually my guests are welcome, I probably just got used to hiding away as I pleased. I’ve had the you’ve really lost weight comment, but it’s to be expected. Tomorrow I will go and buy new trousers, shorts and shirt as I hate rattling around in my baggy trousers. One that fitted like a glove not long ago. :) hopefully just a temporary thing. I got too heavy after the meds kicked in last time.
So my day was different, good I coped, cooked, washed up, saw the semi final with a small glass of wine. But I can’t say it was an easy day, and it was tiring. I’m sapped if energy tonight.
I’m up early for a meeting, fingers crossed I’m on good form.
Take care Otterman.
Rad1
I did ha
Hi Otterman,
I’m early tonight. I’m alone waiting for everyone to get back from sightseeing. I had a bit of a tough day. Woke with the planes at 5ish, then vegetated on the bed until 7.15 when my daughter came in and pestered me then my partner. I got her breakfast and went back to bed. I had a 4 hour meeting over brunch talking about some work with some friends, a favour fir them so not paid. In the restaurant came lots of successful people from nearby offices. And to be honest it made me feel rubbish, I did the comparing thing. Me feeling the very opposite to them right now. I also gave thought time on my imminent loss of my business. I heard more to confirm it all.
So it’s left me tired and depressed tonight. I didn’t eat well. Now I wait for the others to get back and so I can be a good host. I think I’d like to be on an island with lovely views and some very basic cottage. A hideaway.
So sorry to report a bad one. One good thing, I bought some new shorts, trousers and a shirt as I mentioned in my last post. Primark is flippin great value!! The shorts stay up without a belt and the shirt is just slightly loose not baggy. Feel better walking around now.
I’m dreading a bad night tonight, and also being alone all day tomorrow. I will do my best to summarise all my important work to the client I will lose. If I can slow the process down and get one last payment, it would help. Worth a try.
I hope you had a good one today Otterman. Looking forward to hearing what you’ve been up to. I may reply later tonight.
Best,
Rad
Hi Rad,
Sounds like hard work looking after the family, hope you saved some energy for your meeting today, and it all went well.
I watched the match last night, no drink for me though, not after last time!
Thought i better not take any headache meds with all the other drugs im on at the moment, im starting to rattle when i walk :)
Slept ok last night had a good 5 hours before my usual morning wake up call from mr anguish.. My day started out ok, went to doctors appointment and just had a chat really.
I decided to go to tescos for the weekly shop, and yet again the van broke down on me, i need to cut my losses and give it away.. Its making me anxious every time i look at it never mind driving it.
This means everything with my move to the caravan is on hold again, and i think i have taken some steps back today, am feeling quite low tonight which is normally my best time of the day.
On a plus note my daughter did come and see me, it made my day, even palmed a couple of items of furniture off on her. The first thing she said when she saw me was "my god you have gone grey" which i have in the period of about 2 months.
Its good that your sleeping without your nytol, i hope it continues for you. Im still relying on the zopiclone at the moment although i do know i cant take them for much longer, but sleep at the moment is an escape from reality.
Im at the end of week 5 now, and think i may of been counting my chickens a little too soon after the good day i had on tuesday. Still i do feel much better than i did last week so i do think i am heading in the right direction, just swimming against a rip tide at the moment.
I hope you are still on your even plain, and have had another decent day with your family.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It looks like we crossed posts again! See my one above. It seems like we both had bad days today, we kind of expected a slight downturn. Sorry about the van. It’s really awful. I believe you should try and get some justice, even worth giving trading standards a call to get their advice.
Chin up Otterman, we will beat this. One day at a time, and remember to live in the now, not the future. You will soon get the move sorted.
Best ,
Rad
Hi Rad,
Yes we both had a bit of a stinker yesterday.
Good that you got some clothes that fit you, i will probably by some smaller clothes then put loads of weight back on!
Its awful to hear about your business, did you just have the one client or do you have others you can fall back on?
I suffer from people envy, but i look at people close to my age that have there own homes with no mortgage good steady incomes and big fat pensions to look forward to.
Ive blown everything over the last ten years, lost my house, business, and spent the best part of my pension to pay debts off. I would never make a financial addvisor and that,s for sure.
Today didn't start too badly, went down to the caravan with the wife and finished my steel shed, just put the last screw in when the park manager turned up to speak about the plumber, she looked at my wooden shed at the back of the caravan and said wooden sheds are not allowed!! So it looks like i will have to take it down, try to sell it and buy a plastic or steel one.. Really does feel like i just keep getting kicked back down all the time.
Got some family over tonight, its the village carnival tomorrow, i will have to go and put my happy face on, not looking forward to mixing with lots of people at all.
I'm actually feeling ok tonight, think im developing a sod it attitude to life in general, seems to me how ever much i struggle, i invariably have very little control over my circumstances or future.
Tomorrow will be better im sure..
Hope you had a good day and coped ok on your own.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It’s not easy in this world. Life is pricey and it’s easy to end up losing what you have worked so hard for. But I grew up without much. It really was a treat to get an ice cream, and the cinema was a few times a year. But I had plenty of good times regardless. And I’ve managed to get by with very little as I started out my business. I have one big client yes, I do other occasional jobs as they come along which is rare. I always knew never to put all your eggs in one basket, but I took the opportunity and have done well for many years. They’ve kept me busy and there’s been little time to take on or even look for other clients. I’ve realised I need to build up my skill set again, as the tech has changed so much and I’ve been left behind.
How tough about the wooden shed, is there any way u can clad it somehow?
I had a slightly better day today. I was treated to a meal out tonight and had a beer. And I even applied for some part time work. I figure it will enable me to pay the food bills at least. Then I can look for new clients.
I slept ok, but wasted lots of the day lazing around. Try and enjoy the carnival Otterman. Give yourself a few hours off from the nagging worry. Live in the moment. Easier said than done, but if I can I bet u can. I have a slither if hope in me tonight. Thank god after such a rubbish day yesterday.
Best,
Rad
Hi Rad,
Cant say today has been good or bad, had another bad night though even with the zopiclone, but made myself lay in bed until about 8.30 just for the hell of it.
Spent the morning sorting through all the rubbish in the garage, trying to get van to work and then just had enough. Took your advice and went round and watched the carnival procession,and for a couple of hours forgot my troubles.
I think its great that you are applying for jobs, good on you, and i hope you find something to tie you over until your fully back on your feet.
Its day 36 for me today, and i really do think the fluox hasn't reached its full potential, i have felt anxious most of the day, but dont feel depressed as i have done the last three or four weeks.. My wife says im improving, so outwardly there must be a change, but inwardly i'm not sure, if that makes sense.
Im going be as positive as i can, and hopefully my optimism will return in time, and i can start putting the feelers out for some work, ive been looking but not applied for anything yet.
You mentioned your skill set, and been left behind, you sound like the kind of person who will soon bring themselves back up to speed when your good and ready.
Hope today has been good to you, and you got another good nights sleep.
Just keep chipping away at it every day, and it will all come together for us both soon i'm sure.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It’s good you rested in bed after waking. I think it rejuvenates you. Not as good as sleep, but still a help. The van is terrible, I admire you for trying to fix it. The extra stress it’s inflicted on you is palpable. Is there no way that the person who sold it to you can be tackled. Is there a mate who can pitch in on your behalf and get some sense from Them? Maybe a stiff recorded delivery confirming the facts and copying trading standards will make them be more reasonable. I can help you draft something. I’m not an expert, but I’ve written plenty of such letters over the years and sometimes with good effect. U let me know, it can be done via private message on this site I think?
Good for you for facing the carnival. I think it shows you are moving on. Let us look back at that first post when we were both out of control with panic. I’m not saying either of us is back to even a fraction of our best, but we have got weeks of experience under our belt. We both have had moments of normality amongst it all. We kept going even through terrible struggles and challenges. I had hoped that we’d both be reporting some happy feelings by now. I’m going to keep going for a bit longer on my meds. I hope you too. It’s possible we may need to ask about upping the dose slightly if things don’t happen soon.
I got an ok sleep without the nytol. Yes woke at 6 and tossed and turned for ages. Ate, felt better, rested more then cleared up fir everyone. I went with my guests and family to A historic palace today. There were 7 of us. We had perfect warm weather with a light breeze. I love history and we all had a pretty perfect afternoon. I found myself people comparing as usual, but kept it under control. I looked at the people working there too, I thought I wouldn’t mind doing that. I’m sure standing there looking after the priceless objects all day is tiresome, but everyone working seemed nice. I bet it’s long hours and minimum wage, but it would be better than staying home feeling terrible all day. And it would be good to have a little money coming in to pay for food, rather than using up my savings. The other job I applied for yesterday, nobody responded and I won’t hold my breath. But it’s nice to at least contemplate an opportunity. It makes me feel I’m getting slightly more balanced in my outlook.
Thanks for your words of encouragement about me being able to get up to speed. It is a positive encouragement to me. I think I can self teach using free online courses and buying books. Ive seen expensive courses costing thousands. If it can build my confidence up I will be taking a big step forward.l even if I take another direction.
So bad to good today. I’m sure there’s plenty more bad coming soon. I will just try and push through the pain and work on myself as best I can.
Take care for tonight Otterman. Don’t get upset if you sleep badly. You’ve got through that plenty of times and you are proving to be resilient. I think
You should plan a treat fir yourself, perhaps your wife too. Maybe cook something extra special. Jamie Oliver has great ideas. A special pasta dish with fresh fish?! Salmon and cream. A glass of wine for a change? I’m waffling on like we are sat down together. Its great to have companionship with another person who is having similar challenges.
Take care,
Rad
Hi Rad,
You are right about the van issue, 6 months ago when i was at the top of my game i could have taken anything or anyone on, i had to deal with some nasty customers in my time.
But the way i feel at the moment i dont have have the appetite for all the hassle involved.
Thank you for the offer of help regarding the matter it means allot.
Your food suggestions have set my tummy rumbling, im actually quite a good cook, but i sort of lost interest when my appetite went. I have been cooking this weekend and started to enjoy food again which is good.
You sound like a very intelligent person, and kind too. Not enough of that in the world today. Been down to the caravan to fit a wooden floor in my steel shed, and moved some tools and whatever i could fit in the wifes car. Sat on the decking in the sun with a glass of ice cold orange juice, closed my eyes and just listened to the birds singing for a good fifteen minuets or more, and i was in heaven for the first time in weeks i was actually happy for a while.
Last night wasn't too bad, apart from the usual way i wake up now, but the dread and panic doesn't last too long. Lazed in bed again until 8.30 then made myself get up. The rest of the day has had ups and downs, but i would class it as good compared to some i have had.
Its funny you are interested in history, its one of my favourite pastimes visiting places of historical interest, the places round here are littered with roman ruins.
Im going to stick with my 20m of fluox for at least another month, i do think its starting to work, but if theres no more improvement in four weeks, its either up the dose or try something different. But as i said i do feel a little better.
It is good to have someone to talk to thats going through the same mill.
Hope you have had a good day today,
All the best wishes Ottererm.
Hi Otterman,
That 15 mins listening to the birds sounds really good. I think you are continuing to turn a corner. And the appetite is nice to hear too.
I had an ok day yesterday (I’m writing this Monday morning as went to bed very late). In the end, the relatives staying had some very nice moments. We went to the park and our kids had a wonderful time. I was distracted and having some good chats was enjoyable. They leave later today, and life will go back to my normal routine. Even with all these improvements, I suppose I am still left facing really difficult times ahead. And that’s always in the background which is pretty nasty. But I have to be positive and remember I was struggling to function at all fir the previous 5 weeks. I hope things continue to improve and We both have a good few days ahead. It looks like the heat is set to continue.
Thanks for your compliments, which lifted me.
I will post again later.
Rad
Hi Rad,
Its good that we both seem to be getting little snippets of enjoyment, lets hope they turn into days soon.
The wife woke me up this morning to tell me our car wouldn't start, talk about getting out of the wrong side of bed, fortunately it was just a flat battery,put it on charge for ten minuets and it was fine.
Been on my own today for 12 hours with no transport, spent a couple of hours trying to contact trading standards, who in turn kept referring me to the citizens advice. They in turn where too busy to answer there phones, and when they did briefly it was to tell me someone would ring me back but they never did.
Its all left me feeling very anxious this afternoon.
Im sat now listening to the thunder rumbling outside, its raining cats and dogs here at the moment which is a relief from the heat.
There are so many things i have to get done but cant do without transport, its frustrating to say the least.
Storms actually getting a bit lively as i type, better go and batton down the hatches.
Hope today has been good to you, and you have had some good moments.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
A flat battery on top of the van, a bet you thought it was something more serious for a while. Not an ideal start. Well done for at least tying to get hold of the trading standards, and then Citizens advice. Keep trying. I expect they are snowed under. But in any event, we can draft a letter if you don't get any luck. It is all good official evidence if they ignore it.
Today my partners family left late on. The house needs a total clean up. 4 extra sets of bedding and dishes included. As I said there were plenty of nice moments and I never expected to relax the way I did. I did spend enormous amounts on stocking up and I took them for a meal and paid for 7 of us. Ouch. But they were as usual really generous in return and treated us twice. But it has eaten up my food budget this month. I won't worry, what is the point. It is important that I try and live life again and get well. That 5 days illustrated how much I can now get on with things.
Tonight I went to another Positive thinking class at the yoga centre. I found it interesting. We talked about how everything starts with thoughts and so how important it is to try and think positively. Thoughts to Actions to habits to destiny etc. And how if that destiny is not what you want, how you must go back steps and try hard to find a way that will make you happier. I said - but what if the circumstances are out of your control. She said it still means you must go back, and look for solutions, life isn't always easy. It got me thinking at least. I'd say with your caravan, you are doing just that, securing a nice future. You thought how an I make it a nice place to be. Then you took action. The effect of all that is you will be much happier there. 'Cause and effect'. For me, I need to find positive thoughts and try and take on the tasks to give myself a go at making it work out. Again today I had some negative thoughts like it is all impossible. But I must push through that and give myself a chance in the weeks ahead.
Anyways, I better get off to sleep as plenty of cleaning and work to get done tomorrow. I've managed several nights without Nytol, never thought I'd manage that. Im sure the meds are helping with sleep now. I hope you rest well and have a better start. Catch up then.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Im late tonight, had a very busy day.
It sounds like you are doing really well with your sleep, not needing your nytol must be a huge step in the right direction for you, and probably the fact you are worn out with having so many guests to look after:)
I bet its been quiet for you today, it has for me, im getting used to not having any human contact now my wifes back at work full time.
Had a good nights sleep last night, 10.30 through to 6.30 still woke up in a panic, but it only lasted minuets. Didn't actually get out of bed until 8.30
Did some ironing, then got stuck into tidying the garden, i need to get the house in order so that i can claim my bond back.
Citizens advice rang me back, had a long chat about my next move, dont think i mentioned i sent one letter to the car dealer on the 3rd of this month. He went through what to put in my next letter which basically is the final one before i take him to court.
I feel a bit more pro active today, and have decided hes not getting away with it.
Anyway, all in all i have a good day today, i think its because i have been using my brain again to solve problems. There have been a couple of dark moments but not many.
Hope you have had a good day, although it sounds like you have your work cut out sorting the aftermath of your family's 5 day stay.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Good to hear the Citizens Advice people rang and spent time with you. It is great that today you only had a few dark moments. Several weeks ago that would have been a great day.
I had a busy start with the school run. My daughter will break up soon. Then did some work, small bits on my computer. Then after quite a positive few days, I got very negative and anxious. It was really unpleasant and I felt low. When that happens I lose hope, I wonder how I will cope with the challenges ahead. Perhaps I was tired and hungry, which sent my mood down. Maybe I just started to run out of things to do and know soon enough I must take some action. So it is still up and down for me. But I am eating OK and I think I stopped losing weight. I hope so.
I am a little rushed and late too, so will save myself for tomorrows post. I am going to carry on as best I can tomorrow.
I hope your night is good, and you get another great sleep. I reckon if you can probably find a way to stop that horrible initial jolt in the morning. I hope so anyway.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sorry to here about your rough patch yesterday, hope you have had a better day today. I get a bit weird if i go without food for a long period of time, its probably your blood sugar levels that are low..
A huge plus for you is the fact that you are sleeping better and your appetite has come back, these are all positive things, and show you are heading in the right direction, maybe slowly but the right way none the less.
The feelings of panic still grip me on a daily basis, but its not constant like in the early days, we both have an illness we are recovering from, and eventually the dark thoughts will be replaced with positive ones.
We seem to overthink every minor detail of our lives, not just once but over and over again until it drags us down, its hard a lot of the time but we will get there.
You should be proud of what you have achieved so far in life, sounds to me like you have had to burst your guts to get where you wanted to be. You must of encountered many obstacles on your journey through life, and managed to overcome them and be happy. You will again i'm sure.
Just have concentrate on getting yourself mentally fit without pushing two hard,you can take on the world when you are strong again.
My days been a bit of a step back for me too, but tomorrow will be better..
Small steps Rad, small steps.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
What a supportive message, it means lots coming from someone I respect. What a thoughtful and also perceptive person you are. Sometimes I get out of balance in my thoughts and see the negatives only, and then a few poignant comments bring me to a better balance. Small steps indeed. I dont need to rush. You are right about me encountering many obstacles in my life. It really has been an interesting journey that has taken me to some incredible places and challenges. There are many things I can be proud of.
Sorry you too are having tough days too. We've suffered so much in the past 6 weeks or more, it will take time and patience to get better. Plus a better chemical balance in our brains.
But there are signs of positive steps forward. I hope your counselling helps you move forward. I had another session today. I shared my dark feelings about things and it was a little raw at times. But I also start to understand that my perspective on some situations is not helped by experiences I went through. So hopefully I can take that realisation with me when I do take on difficult challenges ahead. I am for sure an over thinker. Sometimes its very helpful with finding solutions in my work. Sometimes after days of thinking, I get a Eureka moment. But the worry over thinking is as we both know of no real help and destructive.
Tomorrow I am off to a small meeting re some very small work. So I will need to get some good sleep in and be switched on tomorrow. I struggled this morning. I hope you have a positive day tomorrow Otterman, let me know how you get on with the garden, shed and van.
Take care, Rad1
Hi Rad,
Get a good nights sleep, and dont overdo it tomorrow.
Catch you later, and take care.
Night.
Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Hope your meeting went well today, and you managed to make some good progress.
This thing we have with our strange thought patterns may be at the route of my anxiety thinking about it. When i was running my business my thoughts were as you said, directed almost completely to the running of the business, and as you said it was an advantage to over think every single scenario. But now i don't have that focus anymore my brain just seems to wonder from one small problem to another while gradually blowing them out of all proportion, and then repeat until i make myself sick.
Anyway that's enough of the self analysis for now:)
Woke this morning 6.30 up at 7.30 shower shave, doctors at 8.45 and as i expected no more zopiclone, she was quite emphatic about it. I felt a bit like a user to be fair, maybe i have come to be dependent on them, i still have 4 left, think i will try tonight without and see how it goes.
Been and bought myself a little run about, Fiat grande punto, picking it up saturday, at least then i will be mobile. If not almost broke!!
Not been a bad day for me today as the days go, not good but not bad which to me is heading in the right direction.
Hope your day has been kind to you and you have had some good moments.
Let me know how it all went..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I ended up working late and sat on my bed and leant over a fell asleep, so no
Post yesterday, the first I missed! The meeting went really well. I was the right man for what they need. Suddenly after all this self doubt I felt back to confident. It won’t earn me much but it is the best medicine I could have. It gives me a glimmer of hope. It’s important to remember the experience and skills we have and not just the ones we don’t have.
Today I cracked on and worked on some more things. Still had my moments, but calm. And I spent some time listening to a radio podcast online called Hilarious depression. It’s a series of interviews with American celebrities, who’ve had anxiety and or depression. It’s really interesting to hear other stories and to see that these public figures are just the same as us.
I’m calm tonight but weary. I like weekends more than weekdays. I’m pleased but underneath there is the doubt bubbling around. I’m not sure what’s ahead this next few days.
I like puntos. I had a Fiat uno many years ago. It will be great to get your freedom back. The sleep pills - I think now is the time to take that on. They have done their job and got you through horrendous insomnia and anxiety. Those side effects will have gone. But sure underlying anxiety is still with us but you will be able to get your sleep back. Be calm and not annoyed if you wake up and struggle to get back to sleep. Do long deep breathing. Do the tensing muscles and relaxing. It will help you lose any tension and calm you down if needed.
I will read your post later. Take care Otterman.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Great news, im chuffed for you, i new you would do well.
We do have a tendency to underestimate ourselves sometimes, then surprise ourselves when we do well.
We do have experience and skills developed over the years, and life skills that you just have to learn as you go along, theres no hand book for that.
Yes the anxiety is still sneaking about in the background, i have felt it a couple of times today, im putting it down to my bad night. Went to bed at 10.30 no zoplicone, still looking at the clock at 2am so i ended up taking a pill, must have dropped off about 3am and had to get up at 7am because of the panicky state i was in, once i was up i was fine.
I'm going to get some nytol and give that a go, i cant afford to go back to not sleeping as i think that will really set me back.
Slowly getting closer to moving down to the caravan, got rid of some more furniture over the last couple of days.
I have learnt one big thing since i joined nmp all the people on the sight are survivors and that includes the two of us.
The situation with the van is, i have cancelled the insurance, and put a sorn on it with the dvla. Not had anything from the con man i bought it from.
You have ended your week on a positive high note, dont let your brain chemistry spoil it for you, enjoy your weekend, and speak later.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Today has been a good day for me, i have had quite a few good thoughts and not too many dark moments at all.
I have been busy though from the word go, think that is the key to keeping the monster in the box. Only problem with that is you do have to rest, and that's when it creeps back up on you.
Picked my little car up this morning, and despite my negative thoughts telling me i would break down on the way home and so on, but no, it drove fine.
We are going on a road trip next weekend down yorkshire for two nights, visit all my family down there, i am looking forward to it which is good for me.
Hope your having a good weekend and managing to chill a bit.
Catch up later.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It is so nice to hear you had a good day! Keeping busy also means you are able to function well. How nice that the little car works fine, fingers crossed etc
I had a pretty good day. I enjoyed taming my garden . It is tiny, about 5m x 7m, but in London I’m glad to have any outside space. The Ivy has gone crazy plus the weeds have taken over. I cut and then filled 2.5 bin bags. Tomorrow we have neighbours coming for tea and I wanted it to look nice. I forgot how enjoyable it is to work on it and then sit down and appreciate it.
Tonight I went to my friends house for dinner. I’ve known him more than 20 years. He cooked a delicious meal and we drank a bottle of special wine I’d kept for 15 years! It really was a treat. 2 of his children were with us, one has finished university and the other the first year of it. I clearly remember when they were born! So I felt really normal tonight. It gives me confidence that I’m able to enjoy my moments again. Tomorrow I will visit my mum as she has a builder coming to price up some work and wants me to talk with him.
I hope we both continue the better times.
Cheers,
Rad1
Hi Otterman, I’m early tonight, so you will have 2 of my posts to read. (See above).
It’s been ok most of today, but I’m getting tired and it’s early evening. I cycled 30 mins to see my mother. I used to do the same cycle route for work every day for 10 years, all weathers. So it was nostalgic for me. I haven’t done that route on a bike for about 5 years. I had many good times working with someone Who lived opposite my office. We went our own ways when we lost a very big uk client. It was fantastic times, we used to chat openly about what we had been up to on weekends, both single, him being recently divorced. He was like an older brother to me. We worked for about 12 years together, most days. I’m looking back lots recently, at the twisting life journey I’ve had. Many good times, many worries. I was also thinking about my dad who died about 9 years ago, and whom I miss. Time waits for no man, I think the bard said. How different life is in 2018 compared to when I grew up in the 70s and 80s. I also saw an episode of Sex in the city! Which took me back to the times when I was still a bachelor and looking for a like minded lady to have in my life. The computers were much bigger and mobile phones were not that smart :)
I can look back and see so many achievements in the face of adversity.
How bad it feels to return to uncertainty, a bit like falling down a snake, in snakes and ladders.
The builder didn’t show at my mums, he was meant to be giving an estimate for small repairs to the masonry. but I got on the roof and cleared her drains and washed her velux windows. She showed me a quote she had from another builder for replacing a small flat roof on her balcony. He wanted £5k. It’s double the price of what is reasonable. I said I can do it for a daily rate, she insists paying me. I don’t mind hard Graft and she will save lots and I get some money towards a holiday. Win win. I may also paint parts oh her house inside. I’m quite good at building work, not a pro, but grew up helping my dad on refurbishing the houses we lived in. Sorry if this is rambling :)
I feel a slight edginess as we head to another Monday, but will make myself push onwards tomorrow. I have to put lots of hours in, Vat return included. And it’s all so quiet here as everyone is on vacation. Except the bloody planes going over!
Woke lots last night, it’s hot in London.
I hope you had another good day Otterman. Did you get better sleep last night? Maybe keep yourself up slightly later than normal? Get some exercise in like a long dog walk. Looking forward to hearing how you are.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
hells bells you have been busy! Gardening is very good for the spirit, ive been spending time on and off cleaning the weeds out from between the block paving on the drive, unfortunately the sun drives me back indoors after a couple of hours.
Like you i have been thinking a lot about my business partner, we worked together at our company for ten years, but prior to that i worked with him for another 20 years, needles to say i must have spent more time with him than any other human being.I do miss him out of all the people i left behind. Still chat on the phone regularly and hes doing better than me :)
Typical builder hey? couldn't even be bothered to turn up! Sounds like you are going to save your mum a massive bill by helping her out. Its great that you are a hands on type of guy, it does us good to get them dirty now and again.
Your childhood was probably very similar to my own, most of my education has come from experience, school wasn't of a high importance to me as a child. The idea was you left school and then went to work at the local mine as all my male family members did.
You can imagine there shock when i went into engineering instead.
Growing up my dad taught me how to build walls and all sorts, many of the miners had a second trade.
Anyway now i'm rambling:)
Ive had my share of VAT returns over the years and don't envy you, its like a double edged sword, don't forget all your fuel receipts lol.
I have had a good day again today, its always better when my wife is at home, i got lots of little jobs done, and said goodbye to my last filing cabinet.
Its been another hot one up here, but nowhere near as hot as you are going to have it this week in london, i'm up in county durham so should dodge the main heatwave.
Woke up this morning deaf in one ear, think its an infection as its quite painful too.
Slept ok last night, had a sleeping tablet, i have one left for tonight then thats it. I will use the nytol more sparingly.
Just been watching the antiques roadshow, how lucky are some of the people on there? they buy an item for a pound in a junk shop and it turns out to be worth thousands, think i had lucky sod envy:)
I think some of us were never designed to live in the 21st century, make no wonder people get anxious about there lives, its all so complicated.
Hope you have a good nights sleep, have you got a fan to keep you cool? my wife swears by hers.
Don't over do it tomorrow, i know its easy to say,but if you feel your doing too much just stop and have a time out.
Speak again soon,
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Hope you had a productive monday, and your still on the up.
Today has been good for me, probably the best so far. I even managed a trip to the council tip with a car full of junk. Went to the bank, and back to B&Q for some decking stairs. All without much incident, although the tip was a nightmare.
I have been to see my counsellor again today, he's going to put me on a mindfulness course, the only problem being it doesn't start in my area until september! He gave me some leaflets and on line details for self help which im going to have a look at.
My appetite has gone completely the other way now, and i'm eating anything and everything :)
Going down to the caravan tomorrow to try and fit the steps, im also going to find out if there as been any resolution as far as my wooden shed goes.
Im giving it a go tonight with no sleeping aid, if it gets to 2am and im still awake im trying a nytol.
Speak again soon,
all the best wishes ,Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Im just back from my last 'positive thinking' class at the yoga centre. I've really enjoyed learning about meditation and positive thinking and Yoga. I will try and start yoga classes soon, but in London £12 a pop! (and near me its £18). Anyway the interesting thing I learned, was about practising to think the opposite of what your brain is thinking. So if you feel anxious about a meeting, you make yourself think you are calm and looking forward to it. Same with most things. There was lots lots more, but I'd need to write a book. I ended up having a beer with someone form the class, a really nice guy a few years older than me. Then I got home and wolfed down lots from the fridge. It is nice that we both have our appetites back. Last time around I did put weight on, and when I came off the meds, I lost it. Id prefer the weight to being too thin, I will start to exercise if I put it on again.
You sound like you had a fab day. So much done. There is nothing more satisfying than getting rid of a car load of junk at the council skips. Good luck with the steps tomorrow.
I hope sleeping goes well tonight, but dont be upset if you struggle, you are going to get it back, just like your appetite. Dont be shy with the Nytols, they are not addictive.
I had a strange day. This morning I found tough. It is hot, my daughter stayed home with me. She's been quite cheeky recently and was upset I accidentally ate her porridge not mine. So started shouting at me. I was a bit down and so it wasn't nice. But I had a chat with her later and let her know it really isn't on, and shed not get an ice cream if she did it again. She did apologise. And then my office was so hot, the window catches the sun for the first 3 hours of the day and add to that the heat from my computer, it melts you. I didn't feel good, didn't want to work, and I had the responsibility of looking after my daughter. But in the end I enjoyed her company and she painted a lovely card for her friend.
I was pleased when the day was over. Not productive, but ticked a few things off.
The class picked me up. I cycled there and back and it really is wonderful temp here. Cool breeze by the river.
Anyway, onwards and upwards. I hope you continue to feel better. Mindfulness is nice and September is actually not that far away. Something extra to look forward to.
Until tomorrow Otterman,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like the yoga is really helping you, and your enjoying it too which has to be a good thing.
I can remember when my kids started to develop there own opinions, answering back and so on, as they became teenagers they were argumentative and self opinionated, but they grew up just fine.
Had a bad night last night, not much sleep, maybe 3 hours at the most. I tried to sleep with no meds, then about 2ish i took a nytol but it didn't kick in for ages.
Up at 7.30 had breakfast, loaded car with some more stuff for caravan, got down there with every intention of sorting the steps out. Just finished unloading the car when the sight manager turned up, i knew exactly what was coming! the wooden shed had to come down asap. Funny thing was i had built myself up to the fact that the verdict wouldn't be going my way, so it wasn't such a massive shock.
Anyway its all in a pile now at the side of the van, the problem i have now is i have to sell it. Talk about throwing money away!! I have a plastic one coming next week so thats another job for me.
I get the funny feeling that theres an invisible force at work here thats stopping me from moving out of this house:)
Apart from that set back its been another good day for me, as the song goes, i get knocked down but i get up again.. Think i have reached the point where i just cant be bothered worrying anymore.
The bad news is its going to get even hotter before the weeks out!! I'm sick of summer now, think i'm a winter person.
Hope your day has been kind to you, and you haven't completely emptied the fridge:)
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I too had a bad night, due to heartburn. Christ I overloaded myself with beer then food and as I lay down in bed, it hit me. So painful. Ive never had that before. So I stayed up 3 hours until it calmed down. I slept in the spare bedroom, watched youtube videos, people giving talks about anxiety and how they conquered it. Do a google on TED talks.TED is an organisation that arranges public talks, there are plenty about life experiences such as anxiety and depression etc, some really incredible life stories. Slept in a bit, then woke up to a scorcher. I only managed a small amount of my work today, and so not happy with myself as much to do. I ended the day nicely, went to an exhibition at the V&A, free tickets. The exhibition was about Frida Kahlo a Mexican artist from 40s and 50s who painted portraits, self-portraits, and works inspired by the nature and artifacts of Mexico. she had polio as a child and then a horrible accident which meant she couldn't walk and was in pain from then on. She needed to wear a plaster cast around her body and later lost a leg. But she had an incredible talent for painting. I find that type of story moving. Then after I saw my mum as it is her birthday on Thursday. My partner took a cake which she loved and my daughter sang happy birthday with me.
Like you, I'Ive also got fed up worrying. But there are moments in the day that I do suffer from it, much less than before though. Tomorrow I will need to be up on time as my daughter has gymnastics club for the day. I will cycle her down the river, then back to my desk and push myself in 31c heat. Its not easy!
It is a shame about that wooden shed, but in the scheme of things, its not too bad. I hope you manage to sell it quickly, its an ideal time to sell. The nytols did work for me, they say on the packet 20 mins before sleep, but take one a bit sooner. Your body is well used to the other pills and needs to find its own sleep pattern again. Our excessive anxiety has calmed down and so you should be able to get back to better sleep soon. I reckon tonight you will manage a bit better, not perfect, but a good 4-5 hours. And then in a few days a bit more.
Until tomorrow night amigo.
Rad1
PS,
I am told that my dad traced our family tree way back and there was one line that went to miners in the North East. Not sure if its true, he also found a line to a landed Irish family, not sure if thats true either!
Hi Rad,
Don't go beating yourself up about the amount of work you are doing, 4 weeks ago our lives were in limbo, you are doing great to able to do any work so soon after what you have been through mentally, i think your a very strong person, and you have helped me through some dark moments along the road.
I think i once watched a documentary which featured Frida Kahlo's work, she was an amazing person.
Hope you got a bit better nights sleep last night, it must be murder down there now with the heat, keep well hydrated my friend, and take it as steady as possible. Apparently there is a change on the way for the weekend which will be a relief for us all i think.
I have had another good day today, and even laughed several times, i have stopped checking my bank account every five minuets, i figure now once the moneys gone its gone. Hopefully i will find a part time job in the coming months, but at the moment i'm concentrating on getting in the caravan. I was supposed to go down today to do the steps, but by the time i was ready it was so hot outside i thought i would give it a miss.
In my infinite wisdom i decided to empty the loft, well i couldn't of found a hotter place on the planet :) god only knows where all the junk up there came from, im sure its not all mine! Ha well looks like another couple of trips to the tip. Shame caravans don't have lofts..
I took the nytol an hour before bed last night, tossed and turned till about midnight and then slept through till 6.30 and felt great for it, not only that but i fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until 9am.
I must be feeling better because i had a strong desire to drink a glass of the wifes wine, but resisted of course:D Maybe at the weekend i will have a pint with our friends down in Yorkshire, would be rude not to.
My family on my mums side came from wales, and i traced my dads side through Lancashire and then up Scotland, but i am a second generation Yorkshire man.
I do enjoy our correspondences, if there has been one good thing that has come out of this illness it has been talking to you, sounds a bit cheesy but its a fact.
Hope you had a good one today, look forward to hearing about it.
All the bast wishes ,Otterman.
Dear Otterman,
Laughing ? Well that is great to hear. And a pretty good sleep must have been such a relief. I am sure it will gradually settle down. I understand the bank balance thing, I have also calmed down in that respect. So Otterman, if we had a graph, then I'd say it 'bounced off the floor and is climbing back up bit by bit.
I have a feeling that you will find a way to make some money. A part time job, or something related to engineering? But you also sound like a great 'hands on' man, decking, putting up sheds, etc. An advert in B&Q or the local shops? It will feel good if you earn a few beers here and there while you seek a better paid option.
I had a fairly good sleep last night. And today I cycled along the river thames to drop my daughter off at Gym club. It was so quiet, everyone clears out for summer hols. I love that. I got back, and as my office room (at home) is so so hot, I decided to move to the kitchen table with my computer as its out of the morning sun and so much cooler. That little change perked me up. I worked really well, Im involved with websites. I ran through a proposal that someone else has done for a small client, and suggested several important changes that nobody else could spot. So happy client and good for my confidence. I slowed up a bit as I need to book a holiday. I am trying to minimise spending and yet my partner wants what we've been able to afford during my successful years. A mate has offered me his apartment in the med for a week free, I just need the flights and food. But rather than bite his arm off, my partner has chosen to look for problems like no pool for the little one etc. (just a beach!) Anyway maybe no holiday at all is the alternative to propose.
So it has not been a bad one today, and it has been sprinkled with a few moments of positivity about building my skills base and finding the courage to find new work challenges. As you say, a few weeks ago I was so distraught and unwell that I thought Id never be saying that. Little steps, little steps.
Otterman, I also find our support for each other, and sharing the struggles and good moments really helpful. And I said it before, I know what a good man you are. I am very pleased we met and have this conversation.
Good luck with the sleep tonight, take it in your stride if its not easy, you will keep bouncing upwards.
Rad1
Hi, Rad,
Sounds like you had a good day too, must be great being able to cycle back and forth, you would need to be a semi professional mountain biker with some of the hills round here, im afraid it would be the end of me:) i bet your daughter thinks its great,been transported that way.
I don't envy your job one bit, my step son is a programmer and hes constantly stressed by the job, hes only 32 and he already complains that technology is leaving him behind. Me im still on windows 7.5 and had never even used a computer up until about 6 years ago.
Still struggled to get to sleep last night, took the nytol one hour before bed but didnt get off to sleep until after 2am, then had to get up early to go to the doctors for 8.50
Wish i never mentioned the nytol to her, she gave me a right dressing down, she 's a bit of a funny one my doctor.
Yes if you had a graph where the trough was zero and the peak was 100% i would say im about 70%
Had to speak to the idiot i bought the van from after i got a letter from him, hes adamant he wont give me a refund. So i have written him on last letter telling him he has now left me no option but to take him to court. Its not about the money its the principle of the matter.
Had a good day considering the hassle, sold my dining room table and chairs for a tenner, then the bloke contacted me to cancel because im too far away, i wish people would read all the ad.
I had to cancel our holiday Greek island hopping, which was booked in September last year, lost my money but at least i didn't spend a fortune on it, and saved on all the spending money.
We are in the grip of some serious thunder storms here, the rain is drying as fast as its falling, its still red hot and very humid, bet its been murder for you down there.
Hope you have had a good day, and not over done it with this heat.
Speak again soon and take care..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I’m back late tonight. We went to see a film outside in the park. It was as a full moon, warm, about 200 people. I’ve never done that before. I managed another fairly good day, but boy was it hot. 34c although my thermometer by my front door said 39c. Tonight our bedroom is about 26c, stuffy and it isn’t going to be a good rest tonight.
It is a shame you didn’t get a good sleep last night. Hopefully you catch up
Tonight. Your doctor obviously cares, but Nytol is nothing to worry about.
What a shame about canceling the Greek island hopping, but needs must. My mate couldn’t wait for my slow reply and has let the place out instead. Fair enough.
I will catch up tomorrow. Best,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
I’m down in Yorkshire tonight, trying to use my mobile to
communicate. Not easy as the words are microscopic.
Had a good day, been hot up here, but enjoying a few beers with good friends.
Tha outdoor cinema sounds great, something I have never done.
Going to visit family and friends tomorrow, looking forward to it.
Hope you have had another good day.
Hope you get this as I really don’t know what I’m doing with this lol
Normal service will resume Sunday night night hen
I get back home.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I often use my mobile to do the posts, but it takes forever! I am really pleased for you - on a trip and looking forward to seeing family. It sounds like you are on a good roll. I had a goodish day, busy at the computer. Ticked off some tasks, but need to catch up even more tomorrow. After a hot day the rain came tonight and its nice and fresh tonight. I went to the pub to have a couple of beers with a very good friend (same guy as the other night). Then back to his for a delicious meal and wine. It really was a fantastic night, his wife is back and 2 of his children back from Uni. They know me inside out and take me as I am. I'm blessed to know them and share so many good times with them, they are generous beyond belief.
Have a good night and day tomorrow Otterman. It is so quiet here where I live in SW London. 2/3rds of the people have gone on holiday or back to their countries to see family. As an Englishman, I am a rarity in this area :)
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like we both had a decent day yesterday, you with your
life time friends and me with mine. It was great to spend some time with
my sister too.
Woke up this morning expecting the worst after drinking 5 pints of beer, but all l
Suffered was a good old fashioned head ache lol.
Had another good day today, went and spent a couple of hours with
my mum, she’s 86 and still full of beans. Then went through to see my daughter
and three of my grandchildren, it was so good to see them all I got a tear in my eye
at one point when my grandaughter came down stairs, she had been having her nap
and is only 2 Yates old. Spent about 3 hours with them, lots of playing in the garden
then went to find our hotel
For the night. Had some snacks and unpacked some bits and bobs
then went through to meet my ex business partner and his wife, he’s
Doing really good.
Back to hotel, then out for a Cantonese merl with my wife, bottle of wine
and a couple of beers, I’m starting to feel lol meme again.
The weather has been much kinder today, only 20c with a good breeze and some showers.
Picking dogs up in the morning and then back home to reality.
Hope you have had a good Saturday.
Still trying to get used to doing this on my phone lol,
all the best wishes as usual, Otterman.
Good for you Otterman. It’s nice to have good people around you, and it sounds like you let your hair down and enjoyed some beers. It’s also wonderful that you felt that connection with your family, I’m someone who can be in touch with my emotions too. Today I was so proud of my daughter who helped me lots and was happy to teach me a new dance move. My mum turned 79 last week, she looks so much younger and keeps herself busy. I finished quite a bit of wine last night, not bad today, just a bit tired. I did a big shop in Sainsburys and got loads for the week ahead. Cooked a large batch of bolognese and my daughter loved it. I will freeze some up. I’m determined to keep costs down. It’s been quite cool today. Around 20c, a welcome relief after weeks of 27c to 35c. It got dark early tonight. As mentioned, it’s like a ghost town here. But I’m not exactly looking forward to September when thing go back to normal. My sister goes on holiday tomorrow and so her dog will stay with me for the next 2 weekends. Her friend will have him weekdays. Not a bad day today. I must catch up with my To Do list tomorrow. Enjoy the good times Otterman, drive safely and give your dogs a good walk tomorrow!
Rad1
Hi Rad,
The batch cooking is an excellent idea, i often do it with fish pies, i love them, but im trying to run the freezer down at the moment for the big push.
Had a good weekend, had a bit of dread when i woke up this morning at the thought of coming home to various problems, but it soon past. Managed a full english breakfast too this morning before setting off home.
I'm back among the boxes and furniture no one wants, im going to have to get in gear tomorrow and start getting everything moving, cant afford to keep dragging it out, so tomorrow is the beginning of the main offensive, and with a bit of look and if my back holds out we will be in the caravan within the next couple of weeks.
It sounds like you are in for a couple of weekends of fun and companionship when you look after your sisters dog. Im sure you thoroughly enjoy it.
Its been raining all day and the temperature up here never got over 15c, nearly had to put a sweater on:) its lovely.
Great that you had a good day yesterday, hope today has been good for you today too, don't over do it tomorrow catching up with work, be kind to yourself and remember Rome wasn't built in a day my friend..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I love fish pie too. I used to batch cook that, but haven't for a while. So thanks for reminding me. Is there room for a freezer at the caravan? Or can it go in a shed? Sorry to hear you had a bit of dread this morning, but I'm in the same boat and understand it. The good thing is you've showed yourself you can still have good times and surround yourself with good friends and family who care about you. That is important after your recent suffering and life challenges. I bet you get in a good rhythm and sort out the last few things in the next 2 weeks. Tomorrow I face up to my tasks too, I really didn't manage much today, but I did clean my sister's office while she is away as she couldn't get a cleaner in. My daughter came along, and we had fun and a sense of achievement. My sister is so grateful, so win win. It rained most of this weekend here too, and the temperature dropped down to about 21c. 15c sounds cold to me! I was glad to have a small break from the heat, but hope the next couple of months is warm and sunny, but not excessively so. This run into autumn and Christmas is going to be hard for me. Today I was tired and at times felt down. We went to church, and I suppose it gave me a little space to concentrate on how my life is going. And that popped up a few times today. I didn't eat much for lunch, and I think when that happens my mood can drop. I liked my sister's dog staying. He climbed up on the sofa with me as I was having 40 winks earlier and nestled between my feet.
Anyways, lets keep moving on my friend. We are both up to the challenges ahead, so lets not make ourselves ill with worry.
Take care, Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sound like you were having a bit of a blip yesterday, hopefully that's all it was, when you start to feel the darkness you must remind yourself of all the good you have in your life, like your long standing friends, your family, and all the things that you have achieved over the years, your a very strong person, and you will succeed in life..
I think its good you go to church, faith can be an amazing healer. I was brought up a christian by my mum who is very religious,i don't go to church anymore for my own reasons, but do have faith.
I struggled a bit this morning to pull myself together, i had a terrible nightmare last night and it shook me up a bit, first time i have woken in a sweat for a week or so.
A couple of cups of tea and i was fine.
Went down to the caravan and sorted my steps out on the decking, it took me all day, it was worth it though just to stand back and give myself a pat on the back, i don't want to blow my own trumpet but i am good with the hands on stuff:)
Been a little bit off this evening, cant put my finger on it, but have a feeling something bad is going to happen, its not dread or anxiety, its just an underlying feeling if you can understand that.
Hope you have had a productive day and not overdone it, you will get there its just taking time, we both still have ups and downs but its better than it was 6 weeks ago by a mile.
As always, all the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Evening Otterman,
It was nice to get your message. Your nightmare sounds difficult, but you pushed on today and did the step, so well done for that. I bet you feel in limbo while the move is underway. It sounds like most off you things are in boxes or down the caravan. Can’t make it easy to feel settled. I worked on some text fir a website today. I was at it 5 hours. Then I collected my daughter from gym club. I ended up taking a nap as I was so tired. My partners alarm went off at 2 am in error! Plus the flipping planes started around 5.30am. I did manag a bit more work and then cooked a chicken casserole. I’ve enjoyed having my sisters little dog to stay. He sat under my desk against my feet and snored. He got some chicken bits from my casserole and so followed me around the house all night wanting more. I had a few tough minutes this morning, but was able to crack on regardless. I understand your underlying sense of forboding, I hope it turns out to be nothing in the end. But I think it could be connected with your imminent move. Just that feeling of change on its way. I recall clearly the Day before I started boarding school I stayed up with a feeling of doom. I was seven. I’d never let my daughter go through the trauma of being taken a hundred miles away and not visited for 6 weeks. I cried in my pillow quietly night after night. I did run away a few months later, but I also forged an amazing friendship with the headmaster and his wife. In the end, I had to leave a few years later as my dad couldn’t keep up with the fees. Later I went on to another very tough boarding school, but that’s a story for another day. I hope you get a better rest tonight and manage to tick off more things re the move. Catch up tomorrow Otterman, take care. Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like you had a bit of a rough night what with the alarm and planes flying over. Make no wonder the dog was following you around, i would do the same thing for some chicken casserole:)
Your childhood sounds very tough, i cant begin to imagine how that must of felt for a child of 7, im not surprised you ran away.
My feeling of foreboding came into fruition today big time. The thing is you should always read the small print, was the lesson i learned today.. My wife rang the letting agency to give our months notice. All seemed well until 30 minuets later when they rang her back! It turns out we signed a contract to rent the house for 12 months not 6 as i believed.
This means the only way we can get out is to pay the rent off up to february next year. Ive been left a bit of a wreck today to be fair, just when i thought we were back on track, another bomb shell lands.
On a plus note i managed to sell the wooden shed, and i sold the van, that's going on friday. Haven't really done much of anything today, went to B&Q and got some wood to make another gate for the steps up onto the decking.
I'm sat now having a beer, and sod it. Tomorrow will be better im sure, im not going to let it get me down, im fed up yes, but im not depressed, i refuse to go back to feeling like i did. There is a solution to everything, i just need to find it thats all.
Sorry about the ramble.
Anyway i hope you have had a good productive and stress free day, look forward to hearing from you.
All the best wishes my friend,
A slightly down trodden Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
You must have some intuition re the foreboding. The letting contract sounds really tough. Let me put my practical hat on a moment. Did you not tell or email the letting agent that it was meant too be a 6 month when you searched for it? Perhaps it is their error and they simply forgot to amend the contract accordingly. It is ever so easy to sign things without reading carefully. And what does the letting company say? Surely they would have been aware that it was your intention for 6 months? Maybe the person you dealt with can do the honest thing and confirm the truth. So I would look for some type of confirmation regarding it. Maybe the landlord who may also have been aware that is was only for 6 months. Hopefully they are all decent and somehow it can be confirmed.
Another angle - you tell them you simply dont have the funds to remain, and rather than stop paying and drag it out for months, you want to leave the place clean and as you found it so it can go straight back on the market. The landlord might be understanding of your circumstances and prefer a clean break. Especially if he understand that a genuine mistake has happened. If it goes back on the market fast, and they find a new tenant and he loses nothing. And you dont end up paying a further 6 months, maybe just a few weeks.
Finally, if he has not been a good landlord, perhaps he has in some way not honoured his side of the contract. Maybe things dont work or your deposit was not kept with the deposit protection scheme etc, then you might have technical grounds to leave. Or perhaps there is another error on the contract like the date is wrong or name. Do you hold a copy of the contract?
It is a horrible thing to discover. But I agree, there is no point in inflicting anxiety on yourself. It just won't help and you are in better control now. I think you will get some resolution. Maybe 100% resolution.
I had a little moment of happiness today when one of my small clients asked to see me about a new project. It ,ay end up being small, but it is another little positive step.
I must sign off, but my thoughts are with you Otterman.
I will catch up tomorrow as always.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Thanks for all the helpful advice, but sadly the contract does stipulate 12 months, i should know better than sighn before reading through, but at the end of the day we are all human, looks like i will just have to suck it up. The agency say they are putting it back on the market and if they get another tenant then we can terminate our contract, its a long shot but fingers crossed.
Good news that you have some more work lined up, bet your dead chuffed, every little helps.
Night for now , and speak again tomorrow.
Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Had a good nights sleep surprisingly, slept through from 11pm to 6.30 am, still sweating loads though.
Have been wrecking my brain all day trying to come up with a solution to get out of this property, i think i will just have to pay the rent up and have done with it, i cant be waiting round until the agent finds another tenant.
Had another cracking bit of news today, the plastic shed that was supposed to be delivered tomorrow is now cancelled as it is out of stock, they could have told me two weeks ago when i ordered it.
Its actually been a good day today, i remain upbeat and look forward to the future and whatever it may hold, you cant keep us good dogs down Rad.
Today i made a gate for the top of my steps, and the wooden shed went to its new home in the lake district:)
The wifes away for a couple of days with work so its just me and smudge the little boy spaniel, and jess the crazy collie. They are great company and always up for a cuddle, they seem to know when there is something wrong with me.
Hope you got a good nights rest last night, and you are slowly working your way through your list and ticking off some boxes.
Looking forward to hearing about your day,
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I had a very long day yesterday. I am still trying to catch up with so many tasks. I still haven't done my VAT and if it doesn't get done by tomorrow I will get a fine. But I have a checkup tomorrow at the eye hospital for a long-term condition I have. It is usually about a 5 hour round trip. But I cant complain too much, on top of the admin things, I am pleased I am busy with small work requests that earn me money. Yes they are small, but every little bit helps and mentally it is a big boost. I didn't expect them. It is like my guardian angel is rooting for me up there.
Re your rent situation, I honestly believe it is worth writing to the landlord. There are decent landlords out there, and if they understand the circumstances, then they might let you go and move on. The worse that can happen is they say no. Tell them you can move out within 2 weeks and will leave the place spic and spam. And they can keep your deposit for the whole month. Apologise for the misunderstanding that you thought it was a 6 month contract. Let them know you are in financial difficulty and would rather leave owing no rent. Again, I am happy to help you compose a letter. There is no pride lost, its a genuine mistake.
I am going to crack on with my work now. Fingers crossed I have a constructive 8 hours ahead. I was pleased to hear you rested well and are not sinking in to a terribly anxious state. The medication must be helping - and that is a godsend. Keep marching on Otterman, and I will try and reply tonight after your post. I was so tired last night I went to bed earlier than normal.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Did you manage to get your VAT sorted out, and your eye appointment went ok. It sounds like you are fully busy at the moment, remember not to push yourself too hard until you are back to 100% well.
I have days now where i think i could take on the world, but then something will rock me and i realise im not quite back to myself yet.
Been very warm again up here today but cloudy,a bit tropical would sum it up. I have been into town to pay a small refund from the dvla into my bank, it was very busy on the roads, i almost turned back but didn't. Done some cleaning round the house and mowed the lawns, ordered yet another plastic shed and applied for sickness benefit, what a joke, i have worked for the past 40 years, and because my wife earns im not entitled to anything:mad:
Took the dogs out for a lovely walk up to a wood that still has the big stone chimney from the lead mining days, there's giant Scots pines, and a crystal clear shallow river running through it, its remote and i have never met a soul there. Anyway down on the riverbank it was nice and cool with a breeze blowing through the birch tree's that grow along the waters edge, found a log and got settled down and thats when i had a very odd moment.
Have you ever experienced everything at half speed, kind of slow motion, not scary but very peaceful, i started to remember old school friends some of them never made it to adulthood, and a couple of friends that have past away quite young.
And sitting there breathing the clean air, listening to the water flowing and the birds singing, i suddenly realised no matter what happens to me in the future, im still alive and enjoying things in life that don't cost anything.
Had some news from the inland revenue this morning, sounds like i have some tax to come back, i will know how much in the next couple of weeks.
The vans going tomorrow hopefully, so that's one less thing.
As far as the rent is concerned its the agent who is the point of contact, they where supposed to approach the owner and ask them the question about releasing us from the contract, but i have had nothing back as yet. Thank you for your offer with the letter Rad its much appreciated, i will let you know if i need a hand.
So its been another good day with a couple of weird bits thrown into the mix.
Let me know how today has treat you, good i hope, and its almost the weekend.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Your description of your half-speed moment up by the river was like a page from a novel. Brilliantly put. It sounds a little bit like this relaxed feeling you can get to through meditation. Being close to such beautiful nature can help you connect. I do sometimes think of the past and people I knew who are no longer here. There was a guy in the year below me at school who I quite liked. We came from the same part of London. I knew his sister too. Anyway he sadly died in a fire in his early 20s. He fell asleep with a joint and that must have dropped on the floor. I sometimes think about him. He could play 'the entertainer' by Scott Joplin on the piano. I loved listening to that. I'm pleased to hear you had that realisation that you have plenty to enjoy in life whatever happens financially. You are so right.
Promise you will push with the landlord, as saving 6 months rent will make a huge difference. Maybe follow up your talk with the agent with an email, so they can pass the email on. You deserve a break, and if you dont ask, you dont get. At least thats my experience in life.I won't say any more on that, I promise.
Thanks for reminding me not to over do it. I am pushing myself on as I always have in life. I did half the VAT, I will try and finish it off tomorrow after my appointment. But I put this small job for a client as the priority. I had this underlying doubt today. Not the doom you felt, just the feeling of some struggles ahead. As I said in a previous post, I think as the summer closes, and everyone returns to work, I will run out of things to earn on and the reality will kick in again. Well, one step at a time I remind myself, I've had several good developments this week and must keep that all in mind.
Sorry to hear you dont qualify for sickness benefit. That seems so unfair. You've paid in all those years and when you need a helping hand, the answer is no.
So I hope you get a good nights sleep Otterman and have another good day tomorrow. Catch up then, bring on the weekend.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Last night was a bit bad sleep wise, not down to anxiety but flys buzzing round and landing on my head, seems to be a lot of them about with this weather we have been having.
To be honest i have had the laziest day i have had for a long time, not done much at all. Sat and did some sudoku quizes, i find that they keep my mind sharp. Definitely lacking
any enthusiasm what so ever.
The bloke came to pick the van up at around 9.30 tonight, he came all the way up here from liverpool, i told him he wouldn't make it back home without it breaking down, but he still seemed happy with it! strange man:)
So thats my day, nice and quiet and relaxing, and the van has gone thank the lord.
Did your eye test go ok? and did you complete your vat return, i wouldn't worry too much about the deadline date for the vat, they can be quite lenient, and i always found them very approachable when i used to mess it up.
Hope you have had a good friday, and are winding down for the weekend.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Rad,
And good evening, i think you have probably had a very busy couple of days, hope your ok
and enjoying your saturday.
I have had a much more productive day today,got lots of little jobs done, then got some good news from the tax man, i got quite a handsome rebate which has boosted the coffers for a couple of months.
Had some family over tonight, they have put there tent up in the back garden, and four of them are sleeping in there. I treat them to kebabs, pizza and alcohol. They have all gone to bed happy:)
The bloke that took the van managed to drive it all the way back down to liverpool without it breaking down, typical!! He sent me a text message thanking me for such a good bargain...
Today has been good to me, hope it has for you too, and you are managing to relax a bit, you deserve a bit of a rest after the busy week you have had.
Look forward to hearing from you,
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
My eye test was ok thanks. It showed no new developments since my check-up last year. But of interest to me was what the doctor said. My condition affects my right eye and I cant see clearly through it. On the retina, which is the surface at the back of the eye that has all the light sensors, I have little blisters, so the layer sticks up in parts. That means in those parts it is out of focus. I've had this for around 15 years. It is like someone smeared vaseline on my eye. the periphery is in focus, but the central view is blurred. Fortunately my left eye sees very well and the brain is smart. when both eyes are open it uses the correct info from the left eye :) Thank god.
Anyway, these little blisters are created by fluid leaking out of the capillaries below the retina. What the dr said - it is caused by steroids. For me not the gym steroids, but the cortisol - stress related. I never new that until yesterday, so it explains plenty. I have had many episodes of being over stressed, perhaps this terrible condition is all about that stress. My good left eye has a couple of blisters, but they have gone down and are on the periphery, not the central vision. If they ever appear in the centre, I will not be able to see. The blisters in my right eye went down, but they left scars, and that will never get better.
I dont worry about it as life is pretty normal. If it does get worse there are a few things they can do these days, but they are 50/50.
It was hot on the 50 min bus journey there and 50 back. I sat contemplating what awaits in the months ahead. It is so easy to slip back in to that negative way of thinking. What does one do when it happens? For me I try and push through it all and do something that takes me a step forward. I managed to get my VAT return done at last, hopefully avoiding the fine.
Today I spent hours with my partner figuring out holiday options. In the end we found an amazing deal. I hope it remains tomorrow. It says for one day only. Anyway, too tired to go through and book it.
I found this funny old website when I was searching around online earlier. eff-it-helps dot com. And its so close to what you were saying the other night. Take a look. I think I like their philosophy.
I am glad to hear your van is gone at last. It has been a nightmare for you. And taking it easy yesterday - what is wrong with that. Around here everyone is on holiday or going at a snails pace and enjoying this very rare summer.
Ive written too much as usual Otterman. I hope today has worked out well for you.
Take care and catch up tomorrow. Have a good Sunday and a better sleep tonight. Lets hope the flies are on holiday too.
Rad1.
Hi Rad,
Good to hear your eyes aren't getting any worse, who would ever had thought that a side effect of stress could be that. But it does sounds like positive news.
I started to go long sighted at the age of about 45, now my eyes are terrible, and im so long sighted the only thing i can see clearly without my glasses is the moon :)
When i get in the negative way of thinking, like yourself its when my mind is in neutral and i have nothing to occupy it, and off it goes, its still happening now on and off during the day but doesn't cause me the anxiety like before. I just tell myself, ear we go again and just ride through it, im determined not to let it bring me down.
Great you have your eye on a holiday for you guys, you well deserve a break away from it all, it will make a huge difference to the way you have been feeling i'm sure. It must be one of the best remedies in the world for de stressing there is.
Forgot to take my fluox today, i normally take it first thing, but didn't remember until tea time, don't think it will upset the apple cart too much though.
I had a good night last night, managed to keep the flys out of the bedroom by putting it on lock down, doors and windows shut, made it a little stuffy in there but no flys:)
Today has been good, had to put a new battery on the car, this used to be a simple job, but now with the technology i ended up stripping half the engine bay out just to get to the dam thing!
Cooked a sunday roast for me and the wife, roast shoulder of lamb with all the trimmings. Perfect..
I started to wonder today what happened to all the hobbies i used to have, i had so many, i used to collect stamps, coins, was a bird watcher, played guitar,pot holing motorbike, and i was even a bell ringer at one point. I need to start doing something again to keep the old grey stuff active.
I remember something really profound my science teacher said at school that seems to have stuck in my head all these years, he was discussing the universe and the infinite consequences of the smallest action we make, he also said for all we know our universe could be a single cell in a giants finger.. Still messes with my head now:) so thanks for that Mr Dennison..
Now i'm rambling again, weekend over and back to the daily strife. Looking forward to hearing from you..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I agree with what you say about the negative thinking, that kicks in when there isn't much to occupy the mind. On holiday - that might be quite a challenge. I think I can give myself permission to stop it for a week though. I think all your hobbies are a good idea. The little pleasures in life are important and yes, keeping the mind exercised is sensible for sure.
I had a mixed Sunday, cleaning at my sister's office again, a little outing to the park and back home for a bbq. I really enjoyed the change from cooking in doors and it was tasty.
Today, the heat continues (Monday). I had a tough morning with tech issues on a website (not my fault), but its been non stop all day trying to fight the fire. Its the client's fault for not renewing a service in time.
My daughter and partner will go away for a couple of weeks on Weds, to her mums who is unwell. I better crack on with work. I hope your day has been good.
Catch up later,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
The good news is the heat is going to recede over the next few days, by wednesday it should be much cooler down there, the cool air has already arrived up here, ive even had to dig my quilt back out.
When i had my business i had to pay a premium for a www. web sight address, but had to pay it on time yearly otherwise it all went to pop.
A couple of weeks on your own! maybe a good thing and will allow you to concentrate more not having to look after everyone. I hope your partners mum is going to be ok and its nothing too serious.
Sounds like you get some therapy from cleaning your sisters office, jobs like that take your mind away from the thoughts that burrow into our brains. You mentioned a BBQ, that reminds me i need to buy one for down at the van, i miss having them and you reminded me how much i used to enjoy them:)
I have had a fairly good day today, had to take the wife to the doctors for a change, she suffers from really bad asthma attacks and her meds where not working. All sorted now though, and shes much better. The doctor asked how i was and how the house move was going, i thing i just groaned out loud.
Hope your day has been productive and your not stressing yourselves too much. Did you book the holiday that you found? it will give you something to look forward to.
That's all for now,speak again soon.
All the best wishes, Otterman..
Hi Rad,
Don't know whats been wrong with me today, just felt so exhausted, slept ok last night but felt shattered from the word go, dont feel down or anything like that but i just really cant be bothered.
Had to fix new car this morning, it was making a rattling noise, a censor on the manifold had come loose, just needed tightening up, any noise now and i fear the worst.
Highlight of the day was taking the dogs out for a nice long walk in the woods, very peaceful and cool.
The wife has booked the last week in august off work so it looks like that's when we will be moving, i have got a contingency plan in place to pay the contract up on the rent if they cant find another tenant before we are out.
Early night for me i think, hope things are going ok at your end, i know your busy.
Catch up later..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
It’s been hectic. Trying to juggle childcare with work is never easy. I’ve had my 7 y/o daughter home with me quite a bit this past week. Lovely to see h r, but demanding and distracting. I’ve had people chasing me for things. I’m behind on what I promised. So as soon as I drop her and my partner at Heathrow tomorrow, I’m going to have to focus.
I’m pleased for you that August is penciled in for your move. I hope u r going to have a positive outcome with your house rental. Let me reply more fully when I get my time back. I noticed my flat tummy is bulging ever so slightly again, pleased to see that!
Take care Otterman, catch up soon
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Late for me tonight. I have been thinking, i don't have any goals left in my life apart from a roof over my head and food on the table, i used to set my sights very high in the past and always strived to get the best of everything for my family. I worked very long hours weekends included. Now years later i wish i had adopted a different approach and maybe not had my foot on the gas constantly.
I think the main reason i have been so ill mentally is simply because im totally burnt out, my wife says i dont need another job, and her wage will cover the bills, but i need to be earning a living, cant just do nothing after 40 years of work!
Hope you are getting on with things a bit better, i presume your partner and daughter have gone away now.
Just don't overdo it my friend, its easy for me to say i know, but i have been in your shoes in the past, and its hard.
Message me when you can, no rush.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
So my partner and daughter arrived safely and seem to be having a nice time. It is suddenly very quiet at home. I went out last night to have a beer with my good friend and as usual got invited back to his to have dinner. He and his wife are so kind and generous. He knows whats going on with me and is always so supportive and friendly. Finished off with a large glass of Rum to celebrate my meeting (see below). My sisters dog slept at a friends house as he doesn't deal well with being left alone. He barks for hours. I got him back and have just had a nice walk with him in the light rain. He is now snoring on a rug next to my bed and I am glad to have his company. I had another good meeting yesterday and am given another small project for a client. Not long-term but there may be more. Every little helps, both financially and more importantly mentally. I get a bit of belief in myself back, and something to be positive about. Little steps.
Otterman, I'd say getting food on the table and a roof over your head are two big challenges after what you have been through. And the way you worked like a slave all your life shows what youu sacrificed for your family. Another challenge for you is to work on yourself and get better. Carry on with the counselling. Talk about the way you are feeling and the reasons that you think are behind it. As you feel more stable, you are in a better place to process what has happened. You will find new opportunities. Give yourself time to settle in to your new home. And what about the hobbies you mentioned. I am considering adult education, learning new skills for coding. I wonder if there is anything available near you that would be good. It is good your wife is willing to let you take it easy. But after 40 years of graft that transition will take time. I bet soon enough you will be feeling much better and ready to see if there are any jobs out there. Perhaps as a start point a part-time job. Maybe a morning or two in a local charity shop, or helping some elderly locals. And as you feel better looking for something to meet be on to. Staying at home all day can make one isolated.
Until tomorrow, take care. Rad1
Hi Rad,
I don't think i have said this before, but thank you for all your support over the last few months, it really has made a huge impact on my recovery, and i am truly grateful for all your kind advice and words:)
Its funny how sometimes fate brings people together, in rather random situations like our own, makes you kind of wonder what higher power there may be, just moving us all round like chess pieces on a board.
I was getting a bit profound there for a moment. Today has been a productive day for me and enjoyable too. Moved all my tools and engineering gear out of the garage and up to my son in laws house, hard work, and i think i have used some muscles i haven't used for quite a while.
Got my cheque from HMRC and paid it straight into my bank, also got another letter from them saying there would be another cheque for 2017/2018 tax over payments, and my wife got a letter informing her she has a rise on her wage.
I am back down in yorkshire tomorrow for the big summer BBQ at our friends, and stopping over night. Get to see my mum, daughter, and son plus grand kids on sunday before coming home.
Sounds like you are heading in the right direction as far as getting to clients on board, it must as you said boost your confidence no end to be moving forward again and leaving those dark clouds of despair behind you. You are quite amazing to have turned things around in such a short space of time, and you have my admiration.
Its good you still have your sisters dog to keep you company, and that your partner and daughter are enjoying there break, its also good that you have friends that understand you and give you not only friendship but support (and free food lol)
I have decided im going to be a philanthropist, and just fill my mind with books and knowledge, and maybe even learn to spell along the way:D
Im looking forward to my weekend, hope you have a good one too.
Catch up tomorrow if i can work my phone,
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
The feelings mutual. You have been supportive to me too and each night I've looked forward to seeing how you are doing and sharing my moments, however difficult they have been. That's been priceless. We may not have met face to face, but we've been on a very tough journey together. My god we have. And sharing that has kept me going. I've also enjoyed our banter. So I thank you too.
The journey is not over for either of us. But I believe the medication has done what we doubted on many occasions. Im so glad to be out of that torment and misery. It is great what you have lined up tomorrow. And I believe you are going to enjoy that very special get together. Having a cheque from the revenue is a boost, and your wife's pay rise is also something to ease worry. I feel calmer for now as I am busy with work and can look forward to covering some bills without eating into my savings. I've been at my computer today until 8.45. I will push on over the weekend too. I am going to do my best to keep everyone happy. The work is actually energising me not draining me like the anxiety did. Who knows what is around the corner with work? Its likely some quiet times. But I will live in the moment for now and feel that all those little steps are getting me back on track.
Earlier today I went out to walk the dog. I realised I had locked myself out! Usually I call my partner or sister, but they are both away. Ive said to myself these past days, be extra careful not to do that! Anyway, luckily the 1st floor window was open. I borrowed a ladder from my neighbour and got in. So perhaps we both have guardian angels watching out for us. I have another neighbour who is a good person. Him and his wife know Im on my own right now. Anyway, his daughter brought me a plate of home made pie and veg over tonight. How thoughtful is that? I really enjoy connecting with people, and as well as that, I've made plenty of friends with other dog walkers these past days. I keep bumping in to them along the river path which is outside my house. Its a real community.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Late tonight, had a great time catching up with family and
friends, had a bit too much to drink lol first time for ages I have let my hair down
will fill you in on all the details of my dayy
tomorrow, I’m no good on my phone. Hope you have
had a good day.
Speak soon,
All the best wishes, Otterman .
Hi Rad,
I would have paid good money to watch you breaking into your own home:) We have all done it at some point. It sounds like you have some very nice neighbours down there, and a community spirit you dont find very often nowadays.
Its good that you have the money coming back in to cover the bills, that in itself must be so reassuring for you, and give you such peace of mind.
I think on the whole we are both coming out the other side now, although we do still have an uphill climb, its not the mountain that it was. I admire you for the way you have bounced back, from all that negativity, you should be congratulating yourself.
My weekend has been a good one, last night as you may of gathered i had maybe a few too many beers, it doesn't take much with me, i'm a bit of a lite weight when it comes to having a drink. Had a great evening and met a couple of new people too, the food was great, and i was my old self for the evening, great food and company.
Went to see my daughter today, and got seconded into helping the son in law take a van load of antique furniture down to his lock up. Spent a couple of hours with the grand kids, and then back home to relieve the dog sitter(my daughter in law) its nice to go away but its always nice to get back home.
Well all the weight i lost over the last two months is more or less back on now, don,t know if that's good or bad, i will have to knock the pork scratching's on the head,think i am addicted to them at the moment.
I bet you have had a really productive weekend without too many distractions, and the company of your sisters dog.
Look forward to hearing from you.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
HI Otterman,
Yes it is an amazing change we've both made. I am so pleased you had a wonderful night, it is so important to have those good times and realise that they will continue. Read back on our posts, and the contrast is incredible. I am fairly lightweight on the beer, but strangely can cope with wine. I too like a pork scratching. I also love chicken skins and duck, if its crispy. My weight is beginning to come back too. It is amazing how the excessive worrying takes it off you.
Sunday I cleaned for hours. My sister's 2 offices, she will be back tomorrow. Took her dog along and every time the hoover went he did a runner to another room. Then I went home and cleaned my bedroom top to bottom. A deep clean. It took about 2.5 hours. Feet up early and relaxed. Today Ive been working at my business things. So much to do still, but I hope to catch up tomorrow. (I keep saying that). I must do as I have 2 meetings to be ready for on Wednesday.
Anyway, not much else to report except I had some nice dog walks again along the river and met lots of people. It really is a wonderful ice-breaker.
Catch up tomorrow. I hope you had another good day.
Rad1
Evening Rad,
A bit late for me tonight, to be honest i just lost track of time today.
I still keep waking up at almost bang on 6.30 every morning in a cold sweat, i dont know what thats all about anymore, and to be fair i can live with it, im sure even that will disappear given time.
Had to make an emergency appointment for the wife today, her asthma was really bad, the doctor has put her on steroids that will hopefully help her to breath better.
Your likes food wise sound very similar to my own, its the things that are bad for me i enjoy the most,and the skin on a chicken is definitely the best bit.
Strangely the only part of jacket potatoes i enjoy is the skins, especially when they are crunchy.
Not been a bad day today, just a little on the boring side, my wife let me do some scanning and emailing for her, it all helps make her job a little easier, and now she seems to think im working for her lol.
Tomorrow i'm building a scaffolding tower up at my son in laws, not sure what its for as of yet, but i'm sure i will get to know tomorrow. Should keep me out of trouble for a while.
I too have read our early messages, and its hard to imagine we are those same two people.
Catch up tomorrow.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I hope all went well with your wife at the Dr.
The sweating thing is very likely a side effect. I suffered in the first 5 weeks then it stopped. I recall my mattress cover had my outline on it! Too much info
I worked pretty hard today so I’m ready for my meetings tomorrow. I have 2. I walked The dog a few times and tonight he was collected. That’s another 18 days passed. I loved him pestering me this morning to lift him on my bed. He curled up by my feet. And I will miss him sitting under my desk for hours while I work, snoring. It’s been really good looking after him, and no answering back ;)
I’m out tomorrow night with some friends I see once or twice a year. My partner sound unhappy as her mum is really getting worse with her dimentia. She’s so very confused, to the extent she packed her bags ready to go home, but she was at home.
Catch up weds or Thurs.
take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sorry to hear about your partners mum, it must be awful for you both, dementia is such a cruel disease.
Hope all goes well with your meetings tomorrow, and you come away with some more work under your belt, which i am sure you will.
Being as you enjoy looking after your sisters dog so much, maybe you should consider having one of your own,you could maybe adopt one, there's thousands out there waiting for a good home..
I know what you mean about the sweaty matres, mine looks like the turin shroud every morning :)
The wifes breathing is getting better thanks to the steroids, hopefully she won't have to be on them long term.
I managed to build the scaffolding tower with my son in law, was at it for four hours, im getting really unfit, its the first time in weeks i have come home and gone to bed and actually slept for at least an hour.
Good luck again for tomorrow, it will be a piece of cake for you i sure.
Catch up soon,
All the best wishes,your friend Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Don't know weather i have been fed up or depressed today, bit of a strange one and thats for sure.
Went up to the son in laws to help him put the mast back on his boat he has just sold, hes the same age as me, but has to use a stick and has all sorts of medical problems due to an accident he had about 6 years ago, he managed to run over himself twice with his own tractor..(long story) Anyway, the boat is on a trailer and he got on the back of it and decided to start giving it a mop down, i told him the front end was coming off the ground but he didn't listen, the next thing the boat has tipped up, hes fallen out over my shoulder and landed on his back on top of a motorbike trailer. I thought he was dead! It was awful and seemed to happen in slow motion, i tried to catch him and the boat at the same time, eeh gods. He's not dead but really hurt his arm, we thought it was broken buy xrays proved it to be just bad bruising.
The whole incident really shook me up, and for the first time in a couple of weeks i had really anxious thoughts.
It took me a good while to get the boat back on the trailer on my own just using two ratchet straps, and a great deal of effort but managed it.
Came home and took dogs for a long walk in the woods, that cleared my head and i was fine by the time i got back home.
Hope your doing ok on your own, and your meetings went well on wednesday..
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Sounds terrifying. Thank god it wasn’t worse. I’ve been hectic. Meetings went well, and I’ve enjoyed a beer out 2 nights in a row. I will write more tomorrow as it’s late. I hope you start tomorrow on good form.
Regards, Rad
Hi Otterman,
I hope you are feeling better today. It really isn't surprising you felt shocked and traumatised. I hope your son in law is better. Today Ive been working like a dog. I was writing an article which was complex. I had to cover so many points. I spent around 6 hours on it. I will finish it up tomorrow. I went in to the client to do it, just 3 of us there. I dont think he fully understood why it was taking so long to write, and neither did I too be honest.
Looking forward to hearing how your weekend is going.
Best, Rad1
Hi Rad,
Sounds like you are almost back to top form, but you must remember you are still going through the healing process, that may be why it took you longer than you were expecting to write the program. Things will start clicking into place soon enough, don't beat yourself up too much, it sounds like everything is going well for you at the moment and you are mega busy. But try and take it one thing at a time, easy for me to say as i'm a man of leisure at the moment, although you wouldn't believe it with all the jobs i keep having to do:)
The son in law is fine, just some nasty bruises. He's at a UB40 concert tonight with the daughter in law, so hopefully they will be having a good time. Not my cup of tea i'm more of a rock fan.
Had a petty good weekend on the whole, went to our grand daughters first birthday party yesterday, i ate far too much, but couldnt resist all the quiches and corned beef pie, not to mention the sandwiches and home made cakes, i felt sick on the way home.
At this rate i will have to go on a diet.
Woke up this morning at 6.30 in the usual manner covered in sweat, nodded back off and didn't wake back up until after ten, must be a record for me. Did some of the usual gardening, dog walk and made a sunday roast for me and the wife, full leg of lamb from tescos for a tenner, we will be having it until wednesday lol.
So this week is the calm before the storm,the week after its all systems go to move down to the caravan, plastic shed still hasn't turned up for the washer and dryer, but theres a washing machine on the site we can use until we get sorted.
Anyway thats enough of my rambles for one night, hope you have had a good weekend.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I suspect we are both writing at the same time. I hope you've had a good couple of days. I saw the website was offline last night. I'm still working non-stop. Today I was at my desk at 8 am and stopped around 8.30 pm. Productive time but still have so much to do this week. I've not been out more than 15 mins each day, I take a cuppa and sit on the wall near my house that overlooks the Thames. I finished the article in the end and the client loves it, so worth the extra effort. At last I booked a holiday in Italy. I leave Saturday morning, linking up with my partner and daughter en route. for 1Actually its not far from the terrible flash flood that I think tragically killed people. How sad, especially when children are involved. I dont feel good about blowing money, but I do think I deserve it after all my effort at work through the year. And my partner seems to need it. Ive not had much time to think about things for the past 2 weeks, but I still have my worries bubbling under the surface. I keep telling myself to live in the moment. Im busy with work although its not a big earner. However its given me purpose and every penny is welcome. I've managed to work my way through the contents of my fridge. Ive not shopped for ages. Its amazing what you can throw together. I roasted a chicken, ate it with roast parsnips (found a bag at the bottom of the veg box) and spuds. Stuffed an onion in it and it came out perfectly. I enjoy the parsons nose as a treat. I had reheated leftovers, then chicken sandwiches and boiled the bones to make a wonderful soup. Enough for 2 servings. Its amazing how I made that last.
How are you getting on? Any luck with finding a tenant to take over from your rented house?
Are you still getting ready for the big push? Congratulations to your 1 y/o grandchild. What a special moment. I wonder what she will get to see in her lifetime. I hope its of good times and a peaceful world.
Look after yourself Otterman,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Had some problems myself trying to get back on the site, gave up in the end, but all seems to be well now.
If anyone deserves a break away from it all its you, you have worked so hard to get back on track, if i could i would shake your hand. Go on your holiday and enjoy every minuet of it, your partner and daughter will be glad to spend time with you too.
There have been some bad storms and flooding all over Europe the last couple of days but it seems to be calming down a bit now the heat wave has broke.
Yes we are all go for the move next week, unfortunately there has been little interest or should i say no interest in this this place as far as a new tenant goes.
The new PLASTIC shed is coming next week so the washer and dryer can go back under cover, can also get the fridge freezer down there.
I have had a funny couple of days, the anxiety seems to be just around the corner waiting for its chance to step back in, and i have been overthinking things again, probably down to the imminent life style change.
Im keeping myself busy, mowed the lawn today, a task in itself. Boxed a load of stuff up, took the dogs down to the woods, and poor smudge has cut his paw! i cleaned it and put some antiseptic cream on, then taped one of my old socks on for good measure, hes making the most of the attention :)
I am back down Yorkshire this weekend for another bbq at our friends, so will be dropping in on family again,i'm looking forward to it.
How long are you away for? think you should be having a month a least :)
Hope today has been kind to you, and as always look forward to hearing from you.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Its nice to read your words of support and encouragement. My holiday is 10 days and its all paid so I will allow myself to enjoy the time. We are going to Calabria close to where the flash flood killed 10 or so people a few days ago. Its tragic, so many disasters this year. Although the story of those kids in Thailand who were rescued from the cave was lifting. Ive had my nose to the grindstone. Today I worked from 9am until 11.15pm with a small break for lunch and dinner. I am trying hard to complete things before I head off. I've promised so much to so many.
It really is such a shame about there being no interest from potential tenants to hand over to. Did the owner ever respond? Surely worth one more try if not. The bbq sounds like something to look forward to. It is good to be looking forward to it. Poor smudge, I hope he gets better fast. Sounds painful. But I have to say that when you told me he was wearing one of your old socks it made me laugh. I am going to share that with my daughter who will love the story.
It seems that we are both still vulnerable at the moment. We've come a long way and hopefully the meds will keep us on the straight and narrow as we face lifes changes. Take care Otterman, have a good day tomorrow and give a pat to smudge.
Best,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
I think i have just spent the most boring day of my life, highlight was a short drive into bishop auckland to collect a dress for the wife.
Smudge somehow managed to eat the sock during the night, he must have as its nowhere to be found..The good thing about a pair of socks is they come in two's lol. He now is wearing the other one.
Couldn't even go out for our walk today as i have to keep his paw clean and dry, boy have i been getting some looks from the pair of them:)
Thats a great part of Italy you are visiting, not too many tourists down in the toe end, the nearest i have been was Sicily about 6 years ago, mount Etna had erupted two days before we arrived and there were piles of ash along the road side like black snow drifts, it was fascinating to go up the mountain in the cable car and see the volcanic activity first hand.
Im sure you will have a great time, enjoy it because you have earned it. It will still be very hot over there i expect at this time of the year. I had to put the heating on up hear this afternoon, winter is coming lol.
Hope your day has been good and you have managed to hit some of your goals.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Hope smudge is better otherwise you will be out of socks befor long :). Collecting a dress a highlight, oh dear. I think my trips shopping with my partner are amongst the most boring. She takes forever and often I’m sitting in the car waiting. Yes it’s cool tonight in London. I put the thin duvet on my bed, still felt cold in the night. I’m just packed and ready to leave early. I’ve been asked to take extra things for my partner and daughter, half a case in the end! They’ve already got a large and cabin size case. I got some money I was owed by the problem client today. It’s a total bonus. It could very possibly be th last, but I expected to be axed 3 months ago, without a penny. In the end I’ve got what was owed and a further lump. It’s flipping great. I’ve been feeling guilty about splashing out for the holiday and this will cover it. I went up mount Etna too about 9 years ago. I never forget watching this young Russian lady walking up hill in the rocks and ash. She was in stilettos and white trousers. Not exactly appropriate and she found it tricky not to sink down each step. Her mum and dad were with her. The heavens opened up to make it worse. Huge hailstones some as big as grapes. I’ve worked myself hard again today, and will definitely need to catch up on the plane and coach. Anyway it’s past 1am and I’m up at 6.15, so better get some rest.
All the best Otterman and I will login from Italy soon.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
I presume you have reached your destination by now! Hope you had a good trip and collected your partner and daughter successfully. Best that you over do it on the relaxation front, too much rest will never kill you:) I think most of the storms over Italy have dissipated. You should have some good weather, it will be like been back in London a couple of weeks ago, don't forget to keep hydrated and slap the cream on:)
If i know you, you will probably be sneaking a bit of work in here and there too..
I have had a good day today, started moving stuff in earnest now, good news from the letting agency, there's someone coming to look at the bungalow on tuesday, so fingers crossed they will take it on.
Smudge ate yet another sock last night, well he chewed this one to bits and left it all over the room, his paw looks much better but if its still bothering him next week it will be an expensive trip to the vets.
I think its great that you have managed to go on your holiday and been paid for that job you did, maybe you will still get some more work from them! never say never..
Hope to hear from you if you get a chance,
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Hope the holidays going well and you are doing lots of nothing with your partner and daughter.
Its all go here at the moment, we had the couple come to view the house this morning and the estate agents have rang to say they want it! looks like we may be off the hook as far as the contract goes.
I went this morning to pick the trailer up from my son in laws this morning to find it had two flat tyres and they had gone out for the day, sometimes i'm literally lost for words..
Decided to just move it all down bit by bit in the car's.
I had a good sunday down in yorkshire with our friends and had a good catch up, called in to see my mum and my son, all good.
My sleep problems seem to have come back, its taking a couple of hours before i can drop off, i think it will sort itself out once we get settled in down there.
Let me know how your break is going when you get chance.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I’ve had terrible internet here. But it’s proven by to be a fantastic break for me. I’ve put my worries away for a bit. Calabria is not fashionable which suits me down to the ground. People are friendly and prices are really reasonable. I am the only Englishman in the hotel. A few Germans who’ve been extra friendly and an Ausi family and the rest Italians. We arrived and it was stormy, but it’s settled down now, today on the beach was bliss. I’m not one for heat, but it’s been far nicer than the heatwave we had in the UK! Anyways, I taught my daughter to snorkel today which was memorable. She saw little fish in the sea. I won’t say any more, except I’m enjoying every moment blood of it all. I hope you are doing ok and am so pleased that you may have a replacement tenant to take over. I hope smudge is better, and u r keeping balanced. I will try and update soon, but I’m back Tuesday night if I can’t.
Best,
Rad1
SSRIs were the start of my horror. It won't go as badly as it did for me for everyone but a rough ride to start with is common.
Hi al_pk,
Its been an uphill struggle on the ssri's, the first 5 weeks were a complete living hell as far as anxiety and panic went. I am am about twelve weeks now, and although i do still have genuine problems in my life i don't overthink them to the state i did back then, all consuming dread day and night with very little escape.
I would say i'm 95% me again now and enjoying life again, and i put most of it down to the nmp site, and the rest to the meds. You should get some great support on here and make some friends along the way.
Best wishes, Otterman.
---------- Post added at 22:28 ---------- Previous post was at 22:13 ----------
Hi Rad,
Sounds like your having a great time, i'm so happy for you spending time with your loved ones must be a great relief from all the stresses you have undergone over the last three months. It must have been wonderful for you to have that treat of learning your daughter how to snorkel i used to love doing that:)
Well tonight is the last night in this house, just have to move the bed and tv down tomorrow and thats it! Shed came on wednesday and is assembled, fitted a chip board floor in it, my step son is doing the electrics next week for the washer ext.
It looks like we will have to pay the rent for next month as the new tenants have to give notice on the property they are renting at the moment.
Smudges paw has healed up well, he will be able to go for a walk over the weekend, poor little fella has been going stir crazy.
Enjoy the rest of your hol's and bring me up to speed when you get chance.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Wow the day has come to move to your new home. I wish you well and hope you have many good times ahead there. I’m sure you will have made it extra special with the decking and other touches. It’s nice to hear your news and pleased smudge is on the meand. It’s continued to be fun here. I’ve made so many friends. I’m still as white as a milk bottle or as the Italians say a mozzarella! I’m pleased I came here. I still have to face up to things when I get back, but a rest from worry and a change of scenery is what I needed. We’ve had a terrible ride this summer, and I never thought I’d feel able to enjoy a holiday.
Take care, Rad1
Hi Rad,
Thats it, down at new home, its taken allot of energy this week, ten mile trip backwards and forwards in a 4x4 tucson. Had a few beers and some red wine to celebrate the occasion. Got the tv working in a fashion, no sky for the time being. Have the internet via my trusty dongle, cooked our first meal, hot tomato fajitas. We ate them sat outside as the weather has started to warm up again. I have had a fantastic day, i thought i would have felt down about moving from the house and having to sell all our stuff, but it has been quite the opposite!
Its good to hear you are having so much fun on your holidays, milk it for all you can my friend. Its true what they say about change been as good as a rest, but in your case you are having a change and a rest:)
The only downside for today is my fridge freezer is one inch taller than the shed i have put together to put it in lol, bugger!!!! i will have to buy another one, more expense :doh:
All the best wishes as always, Otterman.
Oh so pleased for you Otterman. Back Tuesday night
Hi Rad,
Hope your all back safe and sound, and settling back down to the more typical british weather.
Went to see the mental health nurse today, i had him in stitches for almost the full hour, he was amazed at how well i have progressed since the last time he saw me three weeks ago.
Im still getting rid of stuff from the house , and haven't had any more from the agent with regards to the new tenants, but as they say no news is good news.
Im back up to the house tomorrow to start doing some deep cleaning, especially the cooker! there's still some fish pie baked on the oven :)
I have been stood outside tonight just looking at the stars for ages, theres very little light pollution up here and they seem to go on forever.
That's all for now, hope to here from you when you get chance.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Im back and its got quite a bit cooler down here in London too. I was quite tired on the plane back and started to chew over the problems again, but now I am back I am extra busy catching up with the work I promised to complete. I really am up against it. But thats far better than me sitting twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do and worrying about no work. Lets see how things pan out.
The stars sound wonderful. In Italy we had clear skies with little light pollution and it really is a special thing to see. I've been thinking of you and your move. I do hope you are happy. I am sure those tenants will come back soon, although it would be good if they sign up a contract now rather than just before, to give you peace of mind. It is good to see us both feeling so much better. What a terrible journey we had at the same time. I hope we both keep on the good path, although Im sure that we will have a few difficult periods along the way.
I am really rushed, so I won't write more. Take care.
Best,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Its late and im becoming a bit weary now with the house/caravan move, it seems to have drained everything i had left in my tank. I'm still feeling good but exhausted by it all, and on it goes.
The journey we are on won't ever be over, its called life, and i think we are both fighters, that's why we have managed to overcome so many difficulties along the way.
It is still a fine line we are both walking, and i feel i could still quite easily go backwards.
I'm so happy you have got yourself sorted out work wise and are very busy, its a double edged sword though, trying to find a balance between work and family, and yourself can get very difficult at times, i know from experience. I have been so busy the last 2 months i wouldn't have had time for a job:) although i will eventually have to take one.
I don't think you fully appreciate how much you have helped me through the last couple of months, and i just wanted to say thank you.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I hope you feel more energized, such a big move exhausts everyone, but after what you have been through recently it will be extra tough. Let me know how it’s going. Im pleased I’ve been of help to you, and you have been incredibly helpful to me too. Having someone to share how I was feeling and lift me when the chips have been really down, has been a godsend. I’ve been lucky we hooked up, you talk great sense. I also care about you and your journey.
I never expected to be so busy. It’s not giving me time to worry. It’s short term work, but short term is better than no term! Today I took my daughter to ballet. Last lesson was 6 weeks ago in the height of the heatwave. My clothes didn’t fit as I’d lost so much weight, I felt terribly anxious and unhappy. I was hiding up the corridor wanting to cry but couldn’t. What a struggle and it required fighting spirit to keep going. I really was myself today. Chatted with the other kids and one lovely child minder . I even treated myself to a coffee and cake, which cost me almost £6!!! London is crazy expensive. Then fish and chips as a treat for us all on the way home. I loved chatting with the guy in the coffee shop. He asked where I’d been for the past few months. He’s really kind and I was so pleased to feel welcomed back. I honestly didn’t think I’d be back there again. I read about and know so many others with struggles, some with terribly sad and lonely endings. Mental health is really tragic. But we’ve both been fortunate to feel ourselves again.
Anyway, fingers crossed you are doing well and life treats us well in the months ahead. You take care and catch up soon.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Im so happy you are able to enjoy the simple things again, in the past i think we just took them for granted. 6 pounds for coffee and cake is probably the nation wide going rate nowadays lol, my mum always says you don't get owt for nowt!
Its true we have been a crutch for each other over the past 2 months, and i always look forward to hearing how you are doing, so im especially happy that you are getting back to your normal self and enjoying the things that millions of people just take for granted.
I hope i never have to walk those dark corridors again, and as i think i have said before even if it means taking the prozac for the rest of my life well thats fine by me.
I have been more focused these last couple of days and have been nibbling away at the jobs that needed doing. Sky tv is a big no no down here, the technician came out but couldn't find the satellite because of all the trees.
My new digital aerial and free view box arrived this afternoon, so hopefully i will at least be able to get some channels other than all the itv ones i have at the moment:)
Went out exploring this morning with the dogs, there not used to been on there leads all the time, but i darn't let them off because of all the live stock up here. They pulled so much i swear my arms are now 6 inch longer!!
We only have one more months rent to pay on the house, then the new tenants are taking over, which is a massive relief.
Thats enough rambling for now:D, catch up soon,
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Rad,
Just thought i would let you know that i am working tomorrow, its a shock i know lol. Im setting up a Nerf gun party for a load of crazy kids, its my son in-laws business, he's had an operation on his toe so is laid up. God help me lol, i'm terrified of kids in general, never mind when they are armed to the back teeth :D
Its the big party tomorrow on the caravan site, i won't be able to attend but my wife will. it sounds like a really old fashioned event with bingo and tombola, you have to remember that most of the residents are retired and quite old.
I have finally managed to get the BBC channels on my tv, doesn't sound like much but its a massive break through for me after watching ITV for the last two weeks lol.
I have started to worry about money again but in a more orderly way than i did before, the need to find some employment is growing ever stronger now.
Hope you are ok and have survived your week in tact, looking forward to hearing from you.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I do hope you have fun on your work! It sounds good. I think it’s another measure of how far you have come. I’m still flat out. 8 to 12 weeks ago I thought that’s it for work, and I recall going in to a meeting like a zombie. I lost all but a tiny bit of hope. I survived on the love and support of my family, in particular my younger sister who kept me from falling, like a safety net on a high wire act. And you were there too, bouncing on a net too, stopping me falling off the side of it. I imagine we were reaching out as we were falling and gripping each other’s wrists when we got near the edge. Thank you, I’ve said it before, but tonight I feel ever so connected to it all.
But with the purple patch comes tiredness and a big waistline. My god the weight has come back with interest. I really need to exercise.
Today I went in and worked at this new business startup I have been helping. What a pleasure it was. And yesterday I was asked to get heavily involved with another startup. As I said before, it’s short term projects but it’s fine. I will be able to pay bills and look forward to the day ahead, even on a Monday! I never would have dreamed I’d have such demand, and opportunity to put my talents to good use. So I’m humble and happy tonight. Today I did a shop and I didn’t worry about the cost of ever single item.
So if I can you get some luck and opportunity, you can too. Good people get those chances. Now you are ready to take an opportunity. Keep looking out and it will come. I hope your wife enjoys the social at the park. And the dogs are all settled. Looking forward to hearing your latest news in due course. Take care.
Best,
Rad
Hi Rad,
We are both sounding like different people now compared to the desperate times we both went through just all those weeks ago, and you definitely grabbed my wrist and caught me on more than one occasion, which now seems like a lifetime ago, but is something i will always be grateful for.
I'm so pleased the work keeps coming in for you, you must have developed a good reputation over the years,and client base.
I like yourself am now at the opposite end of the weight spectrum, and wishing i hadn't thrown all those clothes away:D
I went up to the house today to find the to let sign now says let! so thats a positive .
I decided today not to wait for the plumber coming to put the drain and water supply in for the washing machine, every time i ring him, im his next job, but after 4 weeks of waiting i went to B&Q and bought everything i need to do the the job. Not nice crawling under the caravan as it tapers of to only about 18 inches at the back end, but i did the drain pipe today, and tomorrow will do the water supply, depending on how bad this storm is going to be!!
I have a house to paint when the weather calms down and also 2 more of the nerf gun party's, so as you say maybe good things really do happen for good people, i don't want to be rich anymore and i'm happy just to potter on..
Looking forward to your news.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Good for you on the washing machine front. I hope you managed ok and finished it. I like to reward myself on achieving those things and saving money. And it’s great you have a few jobs on the horizon which will keep you ticking over. It’s the end of a really heavy week for me. But I am good under pressure. I suppose that’s down to experience. In my early days I’d fret terribly and wonder if I’d come up
With th right words and designs for my marketing and branding. Now I am fairly confident, probably down to practice. So I’ve done well and it looks set to continue for the next few months. Who knows after that, but why worry? I’m going to work hard and do a good job and save . Tonight I splashed out on a pizza for the family at a new place near us. It’s gluten free which my partner is. Very thin crust and freshly made toppings. I had tomato , rocket cheese and this delicious sausage paste, a specialty from Calabria. It had chilies in it. So different and tastey. We were given a complimentary glass of proseco too. When the bill came it was half of what I expected. No service added which I think is good. I tipped as usual. Sometimes I get an overpriced bill and they slap on an extra 15% which makes it extra pricey. So that was good. On holiday it was half board, but despite my money concerns I still alwYs give the waiters a tip at the end of the week and leave something for the cleaner too. I think they work so hard and deserve every penny.
I hope you are well Otterman and look forward to hearing how life is going for you soon.
Take care,
Rad1
Good evening Rad,
I have been so busy myself over the last few days. I did all the water plumbing under the caravan, so now we have a washer and a dryer.
Went back down yorkshire on friday and stopped in a motel for two nights, been to see all the family over the last two days and took the wife out and spoilt her with a couple of slap up meals, the best been the indian last night in a little town called Ossett, and i left a tip lol.
Tomorrow i have a window of opportunity weather wise to paint the outside of that house i'm being paid to do, so fingers crossed the rain and wind will hold off.
It was really bad up here last week, trees down all over the place, i have seen strong winds before but nothing like that, the van was shaking on its foundations..
I think you would love it down here at the van, its so quiet and peaceful,and as the season comes to an end there are only the few die hard's left, me included.
Its great that you are sorted out with work for the next couple of months and it sounds like your confidence has returned which is brilliant.
The pizza you described sounds fantastic and has made me hungry again lol, looks like another packet of pork scratching's is in order lol:)
The kids party went well last week and i'm looking forward to the next one, the only downside was the amount of times i was shot lol.
Monday tomorrow so i expect us both to be busy, keep me up to date when you can.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Did you manage the painting ok? It’s a shame we were unwell when it was warm and sunny! It’s turning cold here now, noticed winter coats on the way to school. How is life in the van? I can imagine what it’s like with strong wind.
I’ve been so busy with work still. Honestly, I still Can’t believe it. I’m enjoying every minute. Tiring but rewarding and a confidence boost. I realise how my anxiety took away all my hope and positivity to the point that a simple task was a struggle. I’m also back having my coffees and staff are asking where I’ve been these past months. I let them know I was keeping a low profile due to business problems and not feeling good. At least to the nice ones. They said it’s good to have u back. I’m chatty to, in my local posh organic food shop(where I saw a box of 3 large tomatoes for £4.99!!!), there was a Russian lady handing out samples. I got talking as I worked lots in Russia over the years. Turns out she worked in a nuclear power station in Soviet times. I was recalling Chernobyl. She new some of the staff there. I loved our chat.
I’ve slowed down on the forum due to being so hectic( worked 8am til 1.30am Friday night and most of Sunday for example) but also no longer fixed on my worries and wanting to share it all and find others in the same boat. I really can’t believe I’m better. But I know I’m vulnerable underneath it all and if things get tough again I’m aware I might hit the rocks again.
Take care Otterman, looking forward to getting news from you at some point.
Rad1
Hi Rad,
I think its been around 16 weeks since i first posted on this forum and started our chats, doesn't seem like two minuets ago! It has been a crutch to me over the last few months that's for sure, but i would say i'm almost 100% back to my old self.
Yes i got the house painted, had to do it twice in the end as i wasn't happy with the finish with the one coat. A bit hair raising up the scaffolding and ladder at times with the wind but its all done now. All my focus is turned back to the bungalow we rent which is going on the 10th of next month. I have to keep the garden in order,get the carpets cleaned and the council are coming on friday to take my sofa and arm chair away.
Meantime i have all the break pads to change on my car, which i have to do tomorrow.
Life in the van is good, and to be honest i thought i would struggle to get used to it! but its great.
Like yourself, i do still think it is a very fine line we are walking at the moment, and as i said to my doctor yesterday, i'm no where near ready to stop taking the meds, and to be honest quite frightened of going back to that very dark place we were both in.
Great to hear from you, and look forward to your news in due course.
All the best wishes as always, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
I’m glad things are working out well in the van. That’s such a big change and I’ve been thinking about how it’s going for you. I’ve continued to be busy with work, although on Thursday the stress level dropped as I hit a deadline. This weekend I had time to think. Not so good. I returned to what next? I’m halfway through my projects and then what? I have to face up to things. So for the first time in a month I woke extra early and started turning things over in my head again. Not really bad, but it was an unwanted visitor. I did have some good moments too. I certainly need the meds. So many people feel better and so come off, only to have their anxiety and depression return.
I hope you’ve had a good weekend Otterman, sounds like you are keeping busy. I will write again when time allows.
Best regards, Rad1
Hi Rad,
I have not been on here for a couple of days, got some some variant of flu/cold, chest infection, i haven't been to the doctors yet as they go on about the unnecessary use of antibiotics. Couldn't even take the dogs out today and spent almost all day just laid on the couch! Doctors tomorrow though, not being able to breath must constitute the meds!.
Sounds to me that if you are only half way through your current projects its maybe a little too early to start worrying too much, im sure the work will keep coming in. As i have said before dont try and do too much at this point, we are both still recovering and it may take a good while yet. Like you my mind has been racing the last couple of mornings, but i would like to think its down to the flu and not regressing.
I have to find the strength from somewhere to go up to the bungalow tomorrow and clear everything out thats left, its having a deep clean on Saturday.
Hope this week is treating you ok,i'm going to bed now with my poorly blanket :D
Keep me updated when possible.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi goodman,
Thank you for your kind words. Felt better today, being able to breath again
is always a bonus :)
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman, I hope you get better quickly. It sounds tough to clear up at the bungalow even if you are well. I’ve started to feel happier again. I’m sure to have tough days and must ride them out. But it was a little reminder how desperate I felt not long ago. It scared me. We’ve had warm weather for the past couple of days here. Lifted me to get out of the house for a walk. I must get a dog, looking after my sisters dog for two weeks in the summer was good for my soul! Your comment back then.
Take care Otterman and pull in some help from friends and family, u deserve it.
Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
Sounds like you had a bit of a blip that's all, i wouldn't worry about it too much, i still have moments, mainly first thing on a morning but nothing much.
I think you getting a dog would be an excellent idea, they give unconditional love and loyalty, unless your a border collie named Jess who happened to bugger off in the woods for an hour yesterday:mad: She came back in the end but must have been down a fox hole or something, she was absolutely filthy. Thought i was going to die running round whistling and shouting, its hard to breath as it is with this man flu as the wife calls it:)
Got a professional cleaner coming to the bungalow tomorrow to clean the carpets and the whole house from top to bottom, i hate paying but im exhausted.
The weather up here is back to normal, i think it has been raining for the last 24 hours solid, i think it will be all change for you in the south over the next couple of days too!
Winter is coming! i can feel it in my bones:D
Enjoy your weekend my friend, and will catch up when possible.
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Just a very quick note to say hi and I’m thinking of you. I hope the cleaning went well at the bungalow and that you are feeling better too. I’m still full on and managing to catch up with work bit by bit. Tonight I took partner and daughter to a restaurant. Last time we went I was worried sick about every penny. I was 100% happy tonight. I enjoyed collecting my daughter from school and we had a little warm sun :) then managed to do some writing, then on the spur of the moment I decided to treat us all. It was delicious and there was live low key jazz in the background. My daughter looked beautiful and it was nice to see my partner enjoying herself after a terrible few weeks with her mums dimentua. She had muscles, me a steak and the little one a burger. It’s a really top notch place. There were times when I thought I’d never feel like that again. Let me know how you are getting on when u get a chance. Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
The bungalow has gone, handed the keys in yesterday, its a massive weight off my shoulders and i can now concentrate on getting my life back in order.
I have been preparing the caravan for the winter, which i believe will be quite severe up here in the north penines, there was a very bad frost this morning and i had to scrape the windows on the car.
I still have this dam cold/flu thing, although i'm getting better day by day.
Money has become a nagging concern again, but i dont have the anxiety any more, apart from the morning thing which i honestly dont think will ever go away.
Hope you are well and things are going great for you.
Look forward to your news..
All the best wishes Ottrerman..
---------- Post added at 23:14 ---------- Previous post was at 23:07 ----------
Hi Rad,
Cross over post again :D
Great to hear from you, and you seem to be happy, lovely to be able to treat your family to a meal out, it sound great. Steak, good choice..
Night for now, sleep well and stay in touch.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman, I hope you are better now. It sounds cold up there! I hope the van is well insulated. How is it all going? I’ve carried on busy, too much to be honest. I’m flat today. But in a few weeks it’s set to go quiet. I am almost looking forward to that so I can catch up with family things. But I’m also wondering how I will feel, I will have to wait and see. Nagging worry or intense. I hope a better balance this time. I want to reconnect to my surroundings again, take time to meditate which has fallen by the wayside. I also want to repaint my home, perhaps do some building work. Learn some new computer skills. Take care Otteman and catch up soon. Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
I'm happy to say the cold has left me, i'm feeling back to normal on the general health front.
It sounds to me like you are ready to take your foot off the gas for a while and enjoy a few normal activities, its seems to be all or nothing with work for you. Its a shame it cant just be steady away, but thats not how it works when you are your own boss.
Did you think anymore about getting your own dog? I think that would be a marvellous idea.
I have just finished boarding the underneath of the caravan and lagging all the pipes today, it was a much bigger job than i anticipated lol. There is a robin that is very tame, and at one point it landed on my boot!! I sat for ages not moving, and it just sat there looking at me! We had a very deep moment together :)
I have decided i'm not going to look for work until the new year now. I need a bit of a rest after the last 6 months.
We have company this weekend, friends coming up to stay in the van tomorrow night, so i have my chefs hat on, cooking a balti leg of lamb..
The weather seems to have skipped autumn and gone straight into winter, snow expected tomorrow but we will have to see lol.
Hope you have a good weekend and get a bit of time to relax and enjoy your home and family, hope to here from you soon.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
Sorry for my radio silence. Ive been wanting to checkin and see how you are doing for a while. The busy period just got busier and busier. I'm working really hard, long hours, weekends, meetings, demands from several clients who are all wanting my input on urgent things. I must say, I am enjoying all that and my confidence and stride in my step is back to normal.
Im managing to save a bit too, which means a bigger cushion than before. I really cant believe the way things have turned out as we head towards Christmas. And looking back I am stunned at how bad and low I felt. How out of control and balance I was. As mentioned before, Ive been in that dark place a couple of times in life. I look around me in the streets and see others who look like they are going through struggles. And actually a friend had to travel to see her sick elderly father who lives in Poland. She is quite a lovely and kind lady, and someone who rallied round me in the summer trying to find me a job. I had pleasure contributing to her air fair, which she really couldn't afford.
Ive got my sister's dog staying tonight for a sleepover. He gets so excited when my daughter and I turn up to get him. barking and jumping around. It's lovely having him here. He's like an old friend. We got caught in the rain today and all got soaked. I understand the expression smelling like a 'wet dog' :) He has dried off now and is snoring.
How are you getting on Otterman? Is the van still going well? Is it OK in the cold weather, did the snow come? Are you feeling OK in yourself still? Dogs OK? Wife too? When you get a chance, let me know.
Take care,
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Things seem to be on the up and up for you at the moment, and it makes me so happy to ear this news. Its great when you can be generous to the people around you, especially the ones that have helped you through the dark shadows of the summer, its a testament
to your good nature wanting to help people, i hope the lady's father is ok.
I get the wet dog thing every day when i take these two out, they are straight in the river regardless of the temperature lol. Had a bit of snow the other week but its turned quite mild again now. It was nice and cosy in the van though, there's something to be said for central heating and double glazing.
Much of my time now is spent just cleaning and cooking, walking the dogs and keeping my bird feeders full:) its hard to take my foot of the gas though after 40 years of work and i have a tendency to feel guilty when i dont do anything.
Went to the doctors last thursday and she said she didnt want to see me for three months which is good, im still on my meds though and dont have any plans to come off them in the near future, i dread going back to feeling that bad again!!
I have set up an account for online stock market trading today, first dabble i had i made 20 pounds in half an hour, early days yet but if i can get a handle on the whole stock market thing who knows :)
Anyway, thats more or less me for the time being, i have one more large project caravan wise, and thats to replace the chicken wire fences round the garden with some concrete posts and gravel boards..
Keep me up to date when you can..
All the best wishes, Otterman.
Hi Otterman,
So pleased for you too. It sounds like you are well and truly settled in to your new home. I completely understand what u mean when u talk about finding it hard to slow down after 40 years of grafting. I think that bothered me in the summer, like a guilty feeling. An inability to appreciate down time except on weekends. I think it’s what modern western life has drilled in to us. We are alike in many ways. :) and we understand plenty about each other which is rather special. Things continue to be super busy. I’m happy working hard. I am really happy to have the work and continue to be my own boss. I must get my tax done! But no time. I’m falling to sleep here! Been up at 6.30 most days, treating myself to the school run with my beautiful daughter who is constantly surprising me. So many smart comments she makes. Wonderful to see her growing in so many ways. Take care Otterman and I look forward to our next catchup.
Regards, Rad
Hi Rad,
Its truly wonderful to here how good things are going for you. Enjoy every minuet of your daughter growing up, every moment is a moment to cherish:)
Life is good up here in the van, but i also seem to have a dark shadow lurking in the background, don't know what exactly it is but its always there.
Im chewing at the bit now to get back into some sort of employment but the wife insists that i stay at home and take it easy:)so who am i to argue..
Still have the fencing to sort out round the garden, but the weather has been really wet and windy, hopefully i will get a dry day! If not it can wait until spring,the only problem i have is smudge keeps escaping:mad:
Thats me for now my friend, please keep in touch with all your exploits.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otterman. Pleased van is good and hope u got the dry spell for the fencing. Smudge is a great name! I’m about to drop off to sleep so I will write a proper note next time. All ok at this s end, although a little uncertainty with work things again. I need to learn how to live with that. Your wife sounds very caring and you deserve it for sure. Take care, Rad
Hi Otterman.
I’m just touching base to see how you are doing. How is life in the Van my friend? I bet the cold weather is in and hope you, your wife and the dogs are snug and happy. And hopefully you are keeping yourself busy, and keeping in touch with friends and family. I can’t believe we are midway through December. I had all these deadlines for the start of December and they are not fulfilled. I’m certainly putting the hours in, still grateful and surprised to have it. My confidence is also back. I’m gonna keep taking my meds and cracking on into Xmas. I’m busy into Jan now. What else is new? Oh my belly ! For sure I’m worrying less and there’s no exercise. I’m enjoying a few beers here and there and eating winter food. It’s better than that weight falling off which made me feel conscious and unhappy. Hope to hear from you when you can. No hurry. Best, Rad
Good evening Rad,
Things all good up here in the cold north :) Seem to be going through gas bottles like nobody's business.
Time passes so fast, doesn't seem like two minuets since June when we were both out for the count, and now things are so much brighter. Looking forward to Christmas, although we are having a quiet one to ourselves this year, i think we deserve it after a lifetime of keeping everyone else happy.
Its good you are keeping busy, and like you i have put most of my pork back on lol.
I have applied for a couple of jobs, but to be honest im two settled now into my new routine lol, up at whatever time, breakfast whenever, dogs out for a walk, bit of shopping for tea, and sometimes i will go down into the village and have a cuppa in the cafe and just watch the world go by.
Im thinking April for a job, im looking forward to the snow coming and have stocked up with supplies lol.
I'm still taking my fluox and don't intend to stop taking them in the near future.
Its good to here from you, and please keep in touch.
All the best wishes Otterman.
Hi Otters, I hope u don’t mind the abbreviated version! I’ve wanted to do that for yonks. I’m typing on one thumb on my mobile and it’s quicker lol. Nice to hear u r doing well and happy. Really pleased u r on a new routine, u worked hard ur whole life, so it’s good to slow down and back to job hunting in April sounds like a good plan. The client I mentioned b4, who is not playing fair, is at it again. The chap I worked with for 18 years has been sacked, so curtains for me is so very close now. I’m extremely surprised i remain so long after the big upheaval in May. I’m not so fearful of my future tonight, but it’s still unpleasant and unsettling. As mentioned it’s been so incredibly busy these past months since we both turned the corner. I’ve really moved in a more positive direction. But I still have moments of worry, I’m wondering how things will pan out as I have no work distractions, and time on my hands. It was difficult to wind down this summer. I’m here on my own for Christmas. My partner is taking my daughter to stay with her sister and mum. I will stay in London and visit my mum n sisters. First Xmas day in London for 7 years. I will join them later before new year. U may recall my wife’s mum has dementia. It’s really got bad bad. Anyways, I will catch up soon, things will slow down very soon and I will have more time to. Take care! Rad
Good evening Rad,
I'm liking the new name :D Cant think of anyway to abbreviate your name down lol.
Sounds like the troublesome client is not a very nice person! do yo have enough work without them to carry you forward? if so maybe you should drop them rather than wait to be stabbed in the back.. At least then you will know where you stand if that makes sense.
Sorry to here about your wifes mum, it must be awful for you all to have to go through all that at Christmas, enjoy your time with your mum and sisters, and your sisters dog, which i take is always pleased to see you:).
I went for a job interview on Tuesday down to the local coop, its only 12 hours a week at the moment, but is full time in the summer months when all the tourists are here. Not great money but enough for me to survive on at the moment. I will know by next friday if i have got the job or not! but i wont hold my breath, there must be 200 applied for it.
Keep in touch over christmas and into the new year my friend, i always enjoy your messages.
All the best wishes, Otters :D
Hi Otters,
Merry Christmas to you my friend. I hope you had a nice day.
It is quiet without my girl and partner. Today I woke up slowly. Last night I ended up looking at videos on youtube and my laptop battery went from 100% to zero! Today I woke up and switched on the TV for a change. Then got up slowly.
I had an urgent message from one of my guys who does developing for me. He said that he was approached by the company I have been complaining about. Asking him if he can do some work for them. I've also been 'locked out' of their website admin. The guy I worked with so long there has been sacked without a reasonable settlement. Now it gets complex as its not an English company. But it sums up their approach to business, ruthless. Its been coming for 6 months. But its ironic that it all came to light Christmas day. Their Christmas is Orthadox church and so slightly later than our Christmas. So it is a regular working day there.
I chatted with other people there that I worked with for 10 years, and it is the investors that ordered it all. So I am owed for around 2 months graft. If I get that, I am happy to walk away (after 16 years working with them). I will explain more another time Otters. It doesn't feel like the right place to discuss such things.
So as mentioned I was due at my sisters. Not seen her for about 2 years. Anyway, I think you are right, time to be free of them and so I decided to not allow it to affect me. I had a great day with my family. Lovely food, took home a plate of leftovers which I will enjoy tomorrow.
I will join partner and daughter Saturday and stay with her family a week. Her mum is suffering from dementia (I think I mentioned b4). She is really bad now and needs full time care. Sleeps all day and then wonders around the home at night. Agitated at times. Such a lovely lady, always doing things for everyone else.
Anyways, I really just connected to say Merry Christmas Otters. Lets hope good things ahead for us both in 2019, after an incredibly tough period in 2018. Such an incredible struggle we both endured, but as you said before... We are survivors.
Hi Rad,
Sorry for not getting back sooner, internet problems out here in the sticks! i have had to borrow the wifes dongle to read my emails..
It sounds to me that the company that you were doing all that work for are rather underhand when it comes to conducting there business.I hope you get paid the money you are owed for all the work you have done for them over the past months, i know you have worked so hard. It seems to be a trend of modern life that everything is disposable without even thinking about the human cost, it makes me feel sick!!
Im sorry to here your partners mum is getting so bad, it must be so heartbreaking for you all, and my thoughts are with you and your family.
Great that you had a good christmas day with your family, must of done you the power of good spending the day with them.
We had a very quiet one, it was the first time in the last 40 years i haven't spent it with family, just me and my Mrs, rib of beef and all the trimmings in our van, and it was perfect.
Today has been quiet too, dogs out for a long walk on there leads, not easy with a spaniel and a border collie, especially when all the fields are full of sheep, rabbits and pheasants,not to mention the grey squirrels darting all over the place:)Needless to say my arms are a couple of inches longer every time i go out.
Enjoy your time off and try not to worry too much, i think we are both heading for better things in the year ahead, im sure off it..
Keep in touch my friend, i look forward to hearing from you as always.
All the best wishes in the world, Otters..
Hi Otters, I hope all is ok at your end? I’ve been hectic but will write soon. I’m doing ok. Rad
Hi Rad,
Good to here you are doing ok, hope your having a good new year so far.
I seem to be living in slow motion at the moment, keep applying for jobs but not much luck.
Im going to sign up for job seekers allowance this week, i know im entitled, and god knows i have paid enough into the system!
I'm off to vision express tomorrow for my eyes testing again, i will need some new glasses, i know because i'm at the stage that i cant see what im typing lol.
Hope you got sorted with the problem client and your getting other work in.
Looking forward to a good catch up.
All the best wishes , your friend Otters.
Hi Otters,
Wow its been a while. I hope you got the glasses and can read this lol! I've got reading glasses and had the same strength for at least 5 years. I really must go up 1/2 a point.
How is the job-hunting going? You mentioned that supermarket job a while back. How is life in the Van? I bet you got used to it by now and hope it is snug and everything as you want.
I made it to my wife's mum and dad. So her poor mum is pretty bad. She recognised me but was calling me by her other daughter's name. I think the most difficult time is bedtime. She won't get changed, she keeps asking if she has her documents as she is going on a trip. However many times you reassure her, she won't stop. Sometimes quite agitated. Then in the night she wonders round looking for the toilet - often peeing in the wrong room. But she hasn't lost her appetite and can still have a giggle. I got her dancing for example. I am glad to have spent a week there but was relieved to leave too. Its exhausting.
Strange about that client. So they shut me out the website I made for them (which is in 6 languages). That happened on Xmas day! And then they said nothing. Eventually I confronted this new guy with an email. He let me know that my contract was terminated and that a letter was sent 27th Dec. I never got it or the email he claims to have sent. Anyway, no warning, no notice. I simply no longer care. I've said farewell to a few really nice people there who said really positive things about working with them. In the end plenty of work still keeping me busy this Jan. Its been rock solid. I honestly can't believe it, almost like a guardian angel is watching over me. Its not all that certain it will be regular, but I am fed up with worrying about that. I've also figured I can take my savings and use them to invest on a property. Do it up and make some money. I'm good at that type of thing and can see how much prices have dropped in London. When I was younger I did it a few times. Its in the blood as my dad used to do that. I grew up in half renovated houses! I was painting walls and playing with electrics at 13.
I often wonder how you are getting on. This is the first chance Ive had to sit in bed and type a message for ages. Let me know when you like Otters!
Best Rad1.
So my friend Otters, not a bad start to 2019 for me. Income, hope for the future and so busy Ive not been able to stay in touch.
Hi Rad,
Sounds like you have finally exorcised your biggest demon by getting rid of the troublesome client, at least you now know exactly where you stand, which is a good thing and you can move forward which by the sounds of it is exactly what you have done, give yourself a pat on the back.
Sorry to here about your partners mum, its very distressing for the entire family when someone you all care about has dementia, it has to be the cruellest mental illness there is.
I have almost completed my fence project, it turned out to be a bigger job than i first thought.
Nothing to report on the job front, i have applied for quite a few but with no luck thus far, not that vi'm all that bothered at the moment. I will try in earnest in april when the new tax year starts.
I have bought the wife a horse lol, she deserves it after what she has put up with over the last 8 months, so now shes away looking after it every spare minuet she gets, and bless her shes loving it.
I have been spending so much time with the dogs i become an honorary pack member dlol.
If you do find a property to renovate and you need some cheep labour im free lol, joking aside i think that is a very good plan and there is still money to be made, also i think you really enjoy the hands on stuff.
I,m still taking my meds and will be for some time, don't want to go back to the dark place.
Wishing you all the best with whatever life brings you, and please keep in touch.
You friend Otters.
Hi Otters. I’ve been thinking of you. How is life going? I kept wanting to send a note but life’s continued to be extremely busy at my end. I’m so late now with my tax but hope Monday it will all be done 8 weeks late! The bully client has not responded to my emails re our contract. I’m debating whether to go to court. I do miss that work but I’ve continued to get new leads in through word of mouth. I never dreamed I’d be earning a crust again. I’ve been designing a new website and have another lined up. How is your job hunting going? I think u said u would wait til spring. My sisters dogs over for the night again. I simply can’t believe the way I feel again. I’m staying on the meds for longer for sure.
Best,
Rad
Hi Rad,
Its good to here from you my friend, even better that you are doing so well again. Your work seems to give you your driving force, and you are picking up momentum by the sounds of it. You have turned what was a vicious circle of doom and gloom on its head, turned all the negatives into positives and ground your way back into the game, so well done and give yourself a big pat on the back from me.
I have had a few interviews but nothing has come of them as yet, i keep but i think my age may now be going against me.
We seem to have survived the first winter int he van without any real hardship, im looking forward to the spring and nature coming back to life,all the fields round here will be full of new born lambs in the next two weeks, wonderful to see.
Enjoy the company of your sisters dog, they really are mans best friend, and i would have been lost without my two hairy buddies lol.
Take care, and don't loose touch,
All the best wishes, your friend Otter's..:D
Dear Otters,
I haven’t been in touch for a bit but I’ve often wondered how you are getting on. You mentioned the lambing was coming. That must be special. We had that incredibly warm spell in Feb, but the subsequent weeks have been cold, wet and windy in London. Today has been warm and sunny. I pumped up my rather flat bike tires and went for a ride along the river with my daughter and partner. It was crowded but nevertheless energizing. I went for a beer with 2 friends who’ve been mates for about 35 years. £5.40 for a Guinness is what we pay around here. Shockingly bad value. We found the perfect pub... quiet enough to talk. Busy but a table free. I had a steak and it was the best for a while. The simple pleasure of conversation and a pint is makes me happy.
The warm sun reminded me of that incredibly hot summer last year. How we struggled and battled through the most terrible anxiety and in my case feeling of hopelessness. In contrast I was willing on the prospect of the summer.
I’m still in demand work wise as I write this. It is coming to an end but some small work is lined up and my fear is controlled. I feel I can deal with life. But I am also aware fears can return and the brain chemistry go bad. So I am continuing to take the meds.
I’m determined to take the chance to work on my home should things go quiet. I moved in about 16 years ago, since then have wanted to fit a new kitchen and revamp the garden which is tiny. And spend time with my mum. I must learn not to feel helpless and worthless. I’m privileged to have savings and be in a lovely area. Although there was a stabbing a few roads away and the man died. London is full of this. I wish the police would be allowed to search these kids and prevent the deaths.
Anyway my eyes are closing as I type on my mobile. Sending positive thoughts to my partner in a challenging episode of life.
Keep well Otters, enjoy spring and keep me posted. Cheers!
Rad1
Hi Rad,
Things sound settled for you at the moment which is good news. Its nice that you have old friends that you can enjoy a pint with and a meal, i miss most of my friends now i have moved up here, but still stay in touch, and the monthly visits back to Yorkshire keeps my morale up.
Spring seems to have come and gone again up here, although its been dry for the main part this week its still cold, and doesn't seem too long ago that we where snowed in for the second time.
I do enjoy the summer, but i pray to god we don't suffer the heat we did last year as it was unbearable with everything else we where going through at
that time.
Remember when i said to you i would leave it until April to find a job? Well i start work next week, its a complete career change for me a i'm going to be a care assistant. Travelling round my local area helping old and vulnerable people, i start next monday and its a couple of weeks training. My wife thinks i'm mad as do quite afew of my family and friends, but i think i will find it very rewarding and relish the thought of been able to help people, i may not be saying that in a couple of weeks, but i feel i have to give it a go.
Had afew problems with my dog smudge, he used to be so good off the lead but recently hes taken to running off, have managed to get him back each time, but the last time he was gone for over two and a half hours. Fortunately one of the other dog walkers i know spotted and caught him on there way home 3 miles from the wood where i was. Thank god for good people hey. So from now on its the lead for him, until i sort a tracking device out for his collar.
Apart from that things are going ok up here in the far north, keep in touch, its always great to here from you.
All the best wishes in the world, your pal Otters.
Hi Otters my friend.
I was really pleased to hear about your new job. I know a little about that role as I did a website for a company providing care to people at home. It is quite incredible work to do. As people get older and less mobile, they often become isolated. And life gets harder, getting dressed, eating a decent meal etc. Getting a visit is a godsend. I also know that such work is quite demanding and time pressured. I hope it is all working out well for you. I take my hat off to you for giving it a go, and its a sign that you are in a good way.
I also hope smudge is behaving and there are no more runners.
It is still pretty short-term my new projects. Luckily as one door closes another one opens. It is not reliable and I got a little shock at how my reserves are diminishing. But the meds seem to keep me calm and I reckon I have come a long way in the past 8 months. I am going to be positive about finding new clients.
Gosh my girl is growing fast. She will be 8 in May. She is a right bookworm unlike me. I struggled as I am dyslexic. It used to take me twice as long to read a book as others. In the end I earn money from writing ;) We also bought a piano and its magical hearing her practising - even if the most basic of tunes. Actually my partner knows a couple of beautiful pieces and what a pleasure that is. The piano is a bit out of tune, its old form a charity shop. I have a feeling it can't be tuned without lots of repair work. I like having regardless!
Today it got warm and sunny. I sat by the river and in contrast to the weekend it was quiet and peaceful. Listening to the birds singing and watching ducks diving for food 'grounded' me. I've not done any meditation this year, but at least I made time to get out and relax.
Wishing you well Otters. Keep in touch.
Rad
Hi Rad,
Long time since i was last on the site, life's been a bit frantic over the last couple of weeks.
The caring job i told you about didn't work out in the end, i only did it for a day, but to be fair i was was thrown straight in at the deep end. I was expected to
give care to an old lady on my own after one days training, the poor woman couldn't do anything for herself and they were just half hour visits four times a day, i had to administer her meds but had no training, wash feed and do housework, impossible in half an hour.
It has opened my eyes as to the state the care industry is in! its a disgrace the government spends so little on care for the elderly, top and bottom of it i
tried but failed.
I'm now travelling down yorkshire and staying down there three nights a week helping my son in law restoring old furniture, its hands on and hard work for little pay. The bonus for me is that i get to see my family and have tea with my daughter and grand kids every night, then its back to my ex business partners house for the night. Its all hectic but fun.
Smudge ran off last week for the last time, 3 hours i was driving round looking for him, i ended up finding him by chance out side a remote cottage on the end of a woman's lead who found him in her back garden. So thats it for him, hes banned from running free, unlike Jess who always comes back.
I hope your business is thriving as i'm sure it is, the piano sounds like a good thing, i love music especially my guitar. You said it was out of tune? well i remember watching a program on tv, a school had bought a second hand piano that was out of tune, when the guy turned up to tune it they found about 200 grands worth of gold sovereigns stashed inside it lol.
Like i say im sorry about my late reply, please keep in touch.
All the best wishes in the world, your friend Otters.
Otters it’s good to hear from you. Its a real eye opener re the care job. How difficult for you and shocking. There must be so many struggling. The furniture thing sounds quite tough but being around family is a blessing. Good for you Otters. Keep going and also take some time to relax and enjoy the countryside. Smudge is a rascal, how worrying and draining for you.
I’m ticking along, and work is still coming my way. Strangely a company I pitched on and didn’t win two years ago agreed to see me and I made a fantastic set of ideas for their advertising (if I say so myself!). I hope it leads to greater things. This year I’m harping back to when it all kicked of fir me 12 months ago. The hell, the lack of hope, the heat, the side effects of the meds. I’m relishing being free of that hell and determined to enjoy the beautiful nature around me this year.
As soon as work drops off I will use time to do up my house. I want to fit a new kitchen and flooring and built in wardrobes. I’ve found interesting furniture being chucked away too. An expensive round mirror and coffee table. I grew up looking at content of skips. My dad and I would find amazing architectural salvage and drag it home. A few years back I found an ornate metal jardinier, someone had cleared their cellar. I cleaned it up and showed Christie’s auction. They sold it for £450!
My partner treated us to 2 nights away in a b&b, just returned. Went to the New forest. Really special and many memories were made.
I will write again soon.
Thinking of u and hope things are good.
Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
It must have been a couple of months since i read your last message, its good that you are doing well and the work is still coming in.
I felt compelled today to speak to you, the heat brought back last summers nightmare when we where both going through the same hell, and although it
seems like a lifetime ago i will never forget all the support you gave me at that time, so thank you.
Im doing four days a week now back down in yorkshire, the furniture thing is slowly picking up to the point where i think i am breaking even lol. Its not about making
money anymore for me, last summer has changed my priorities completely. I'm happy to just live now, and tend to just take every day as it comes, i'm not saying i never worry, i do but nothing like i did when i was at the very bottom last summer.
Its been red hot today up here, even worse for you in london i expect! Smudge and jess are suffering from the heat quite a bit, i have the fans on in the caravan and put cold wet towels down for them to lay on, but its impossible when it hits 35 degrees.
I'm back at the doctors in the morning, nothing to do with my mental state, i seemed to have developed and thing called trigger finger, its to do with all the vibrating power tools i have been using over the past 3 months. I guess my old body's not up to it anymore lol, i just need to know if they can treat it? if not i
will just have to soldier on!!
Hope you get this message and your doing good, i would love to here what you have been up to.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman..
Hi Rad,
It must have been a couple of months since i read your last message, its good that you are doing well and the work is still coming in.
I felt compelled today to speak to you, the heat brought back last summers nightmare when we where both going through the same hell, and although it
seems like a lifetime ago i will never forget all the support you gave me at that time, so thank you.
Im doing four days a week now back down in yorkshire, the furniture thing is slowly picking up to the point where i think i am breaking even lol. Its not about making
money anymore for me, last summer has changed my priorities completely. I'm happy to just live now, and tend to just take every day as it comes, i'm not saying i never worry, i do but nothing like i did when i was at the very bottom last summer.
Its been red hot today up here, even worse for you in london i expect! Smudge and jess are suffering from the heat quite a bit, i have the fans on in the caravan and put cold wet towels down for them to lay on, but its impossible when it hits 35 degrees.
I'm back at the doctors in the morning, nothing to do with my mental state, i seemed to have developed and thing called trigger finger, its to do with all the vibrating power tools i have been using over the past 3 months. I guess my old body's not up to it anymore lol, i just need to know if they can treat it? if not i
will just have to soldier on!!
Hope you get this message and your doing good, i would love to here what you have been up to.
All the best wishes, your friend Otterman..
Dear Otters,
Here I am! Still going strong my Mate Otters. I enjoyed summer- a total contrast to the previous year when We shared our nightmare. Work has kept coming in, something I never expected as you know. But funny enough today I got dumped by a client as they are in financial trouble. I hope they can pay up, but regardless I’m back on my feet. I’ve been busy outside of work too. I bought a hardwood conservatory on eBay, and also a kitchen. Both lovely and I intend fitting them on my home when things slow down. I intend keeping busy if things dry up. I’m good with my hands and figure I can add value to my home without splashing too much and I will get pleasure at the same time. I’ve saved up earnings on the new work and went on a holiday to Croatia which was beautiful. Sadly my partners mum died so we had to cut it short and get back. Other horrible news is a family member has asbestos related cancer. Non curable and probably exposed as a kid at his school 45 years ago. So been around meeting doctors and helping him to figure the best treatment option. There’s a few research options including surgery which is horribly brutal. 4 doctors on we’ve found a fantastic doctor who is primarily interested in the patient rather than recruiting a guinea pig. On top, a good mates mum died so just back from another funeral. I’m taking pressure off my shoulders and easing off the worry. Oh and to cap this summer another relative who stayed had a major heart attack! Got an ambulance and he had a stent fitted at 4am, me in the waiting room. This saved him, he’s early 40s!
More to say but that’s enough for now. And what’s the latest for u Otters? I often wonder how u r. I feel we are veterans who went through the most horrible war together. The desperate days and sleepless nights were hell. Sending you lots of positive energy and best regards.
Rad
Hi Rad,
Just to bring you up to date, being how i haven't spoke for so long.
Im sorry to here about your partners mum, that must of been a very hard time for you all, i hope your family member with cancer has had a good
prognosis and is doing well.
I have had a pretty ruff time recently with my mum. She took ill 3 weeks ago, had a stroke and was taken into hospital for treatment. After 3 days in there she had another small stroke which altered her personality completely, after this she just went down hill. Mum past away during the early hours of yesterday morning peacefully age 87. Im staying in her bungalow at the moment with the monumental task of sorting out her affairs.
Although this is a very sad time, i am still positive about the future.
Still doing the furniture restoration, but i do think i will be going back into engineering to earn a proper wage again.
Anyway, i will say goodbye for now, and hope you will give me an update, hopefully we will have better news to talk about soon.
All the best wishes, and sending love, your old mate Otterman.
Dear Otters,
So sorry to hear about your mum. That was back in November and here we are in Jan 2020. I hope you have managed to sort things out at her home and that her funeral went as well as it could have. I am sure Christmas time you spent lots of time thinking about her. Cant have been easy.
Do let me know how you are Otters, I will login and look out for any messages. I got incredibly busy with work and family requests and so have been away from the site for a long while. It was good to hear you are still doing the furniture thing but it sounds like very hard graft. When you feel well enough, you must find a way back into engineering. How is the van? How are the dogs? Are you in good shape? feeling steady? Eating OK?
I've been incredibly surprised at the work that came my way last year. It got me distracted from worries and rebuilt my self worth. It dried up around November and actually one client didn't pay up all they owed. They seem in financial trouble. Strange for me I am not panicked. More like I am in no-mans land, but I managed to save a decent sum and so I am good for a while yet. I also feel able to control anxiety for now. I am looking for a property renovation project to try and make money on. Ive done that many times over my life. I learned plenty from my dad and I have done plenty of my own homes up over the years.
I bought a big wardrobe for my daughter's bedroom and added bookcases each side over Christmas. It involved taking elements to pieces and adding depth to shelves, new moulding etc. Bought the main bit from a charity shop and had the bookshelves already. I'm well pleased.
You recall my former client who never served notice? Well in the end I got some help from a lawyer and prepared a legal letter. They were shocked but lets see if anything comes of it. They made it known to a mutual contact that the will find a way to turn things on me. I will give you more details another day. But they dont seem ready to play by the book.
My girl is growing up fast and Ive had some good times with her recently. Just read a book with her at bedtime. David Walliams from little britain wrote it. Its pretty good!
Take care Otters. I will say a prayer for your mum and also for you. Wishing you well for 2020.
Your mate,
Rad
Hi Rad,
Still in the land off the living, sorry for not getting back sooner. We dont make the best of pen pals do we? lol
My world was well and truly rocked with the passing of my mum, the nature of it was shocking without going into too much detail.
For a couple of weeks i was on a knife edge and thought i would go off the rails again, but that didnt happen
thank god.
I started a new job in February at an engineering firm in yorkshire, its doing what i am used to and i know the owner too. They are letting me work
4 days a week so i get the benefit of a long weekend back up here at the van.
Mums bungalow is taking some selling, not had much interest in the place which has surprised me as its in such a nice spot.
Smudge and Jess are both well and enjoying there lives as am i.
Im so happy that work has been going so well for you, and you are managing to stay positive. The house renovation would be something i would relish
its always satisfying when you do it yourself and take a step back to admire what you have achieved.
Dont know how long this new job of mine will last as the company always seems to be struggling for money, but i will just keep my
head down and take the wage every week for the time being.
We must make the effort to correspond more often than we do lol.
All the best for now my friend, hope to here from you soon.
Your friend as ever
Otterman...
Hi Otters,
I hope u r feeling ok. It’s terrible to feel like you are about to hit a bad patch again. So sorry about your mum. Keep soldiering on. I hope that job continues. Never forget we are survivors.
I will reply properly soon, things not desperate for me, ticking over and hoping the Corona thing gets under control soon.
Take care,
Rad
Hi! Hope everything will be better! I wish you all the best. I just joined and if you need to talk to smb please PM me :)
Hi Otters,
Ive been wondering how you are getting on. Especially with lockdown etc. It is all unusual although people who have such regular lives before may now understand what we've been through now. Not that I would wish it on anybody. Worrying about money, future, work etc. I feel less different now. I am taking it in my stride. I am not spending so much ! No chance of going out for a beer or coffee, or to a restaurant :)
Work dried up a while back but I am back on my fight to get compensation re work contract and it is hotting up. I got a very long and detailed letter from their big firm of solicitors. I think it was an attempt to scare me off, but I have knuckled down this past week and taken them on. I am getting everything checked before I send it out by a lawyer, but doing the slog myself. The tone of their emails is pompous and pushy, and there is some satisfaction in questioning them and brining them down a peg or two. I suppose its their job, but it feels nasty and the dishonesty of the company they are fighting for is starting to shine though. My partners very close elderly aunt died, my aunt too. Not the Virus but natural causes. Its sad not to be able to attend the funerals and be with family.
How are you since your mum passed? Are you still in the van and are you getting out with the dogs in this better weather? How is the anxiety going? Stay in touch Otters, keep me posted from time to time. One day I hope we will meet up as I consider you a good friend. Any help needed or if you want to share something - I am here.
Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
Well its safe to say that the world we once new has gone! Lets hope it comes back soon.
Can i just say that i admire the fact that you will not be bullied and that you are taking on the big boys who for some reason
think they have a god given rite to walk all over people, good on you..
Its safe to say im going a little stir crazy at the moment, but there are thousands of poor people in a much worst situation than myself.
I have been in lock down now for 4 weeks up at the van, my job has been furloughed but i am still getting 80% of my wage wich is just about
enough to live on, given the fact that my wife got laid of from her job three weeks ago.
Its hard not been able to see my family, as you know they are all down in yorkshire, so even waving to them through a window is out of the question at the moment.
Smudge and jess are fine as am i and all the people i care about, so sorry to hear about your loss of family, it truly is very difficult at this time as you say with funerals. I suppose i was lucky i managed to give my mum the send off she deserved.
Im still taking the meds, anxiety pops up a bit more often recently, but i have found that only watching the news once a day helps. My sleep pattern has completely gone out the window!! i go to bed at 2 am maybe get up at 10 am and then have a kip mid afternoon, but its changing all the time.
One good thing is the weather at the moment, clear blue sky's and you can sit up here on the decking and actually see the leaves coming out day by day. i also have the luxury of been able to take my dogs out for walks (my daily exorcise) and not meeting another soul. going shopping is the most frightening thing i have to do, always make sure i have a ready wine supply, it helps lol.
Anyway, thats enough of my mindless jibber for now, and yes it would be fantastic to meet one day face to face, brothers in arms!!
Take care my good friend, and be safe..
All the best wishes in the world
Otterman..
Nice to know you are OK Otters. Blue sky here and warm nights. Like you Im sleeping weird hours. Up early, kip in afternoon. We are seriously seeking a dog (and cat), makes it harder lol.
If you hit a struggle let me know.
Otters mate, still wondering if you are coping and how life is? I’m well distracted with the covid issues. I’m not on bad form. I want to make sure u r doing ok 👍 if you read this, let me know. Cheers! Rad
Hi Otters, I’m still wondering how you are getting on. I hope 🤞 you are in a good way. It’s been a long old year eh? Sadly my partner’s dad died in the summer, just over a year after her mum did so very tough for her. I’m ticking over, bit much work in fir a while. To be fair it’s a hard time to find new opportunities. The battle is still on with the business I worked for for so many years. But it’s been sold to new owners and I have seen a shift in attitude. 2 years on, I am hoping to get justice. It’s not over to the fat lady sings etc, but they made an offer that I’m happy with. I’ve been fairly well fir a while now, although I’ve had a couple of wobbles in recent weeks. I’m on meds and so seem to manage it ok. Drop me a reply if you see this. Best, Rad
Hi Rad,
Im so sorry for not replying sooner, lifes been pretty colourful over the past 8 moths or so.
Watching the news today i saw that london and the south east are being put into tier 4, i thought about you immediately.
I packed the engineering job in last month, it just wasnt working for me taking orders from people who dont know what they are talking about, talk about
teaching your grandma to suck eggs !!
Im back with my soninlaw doing the furniture again and getting better paid than the engineering for less hours. My wife has only just restarted work since she was laid of way back in march, so things could be on the up.. Thats providing they get this bloody covid under control, which doesn't seem that likely at
the moment.
I had to let the house go we were renting, we are fully back down at the caravan again(im loving it) just couldnt afford to keep it with everything thats been going on.
Did my Christmas shop this morning, it was crazy in tescos, i almost bottled it and came out, but there was beer to be bought lol.
Im glad you are still pottering on with your work, and you have finally got a settlement on the cards, keep at it my friend, and try not to let everything
thats going off at the moment in the world get you down.
i hope you have a good Christmas with your daughter and partner, and anyone else you manage to see. For me its just the wife and myself Jess and Smudge.
Its always good to here from you, i need to expand my horizons a little as far as technology is concerned, im still on windows 7 lol, and its no longer supported by microsoft, so you can imagine the fun i have every time i try to use it!!!
All the best wishes in the world,
your friend Otterman..
Otters how fantastic to hear from you. I am so pleased to hear you are ticking over nicely at the van and well stocked for Christmas with your wife, Jess and Smudge. Sounds like a good gathering to me. Glad to hear you are back at the furniture, you must be an expert now. This year has been so very strange. The phone went dead work wise as it all seemed to be about survival, but strangely I let myself go with the flow and over the summer had wonderful walks in Wimbledon common which is not far. I thought it interesting that everyone around got to experience the huge uncertainty that seems to have followed me through my life. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I wouldn't wish the struggles Ive been through on anyone. Just suddenly everyone seemed to be in the same boat for a change. I've had a few wobbles in the past weeks. More money going out than coming in, but I have saved for such eventualities so coping better than expected. I reckon if I was off the meds, i'd have collapsed into a bad way again. Then I'd be starting the meds again which would have meant 2 months of insomnia and increased anxiety from hell that we veterans got through together. Fingers crossed I can stay calm. My girl is 9 now and Im incredibly proud the way she is developing into a lovely girl. She does piano lessons at school and we have an upright at home we got from a charity shop a couple of year back. Recently she did a school concert on zoom and played a beautiful little piece. Far better than I ever did at school. Anyways, fingers crossed 2021 is a good year, or at least it ends better than it starts.
I will be in touch again soon. best, Rad1
Kalie galea
23-12-20, 10:25
Otters how fantastic to hear from you. I am so pleased to hear you are ticking over nicely at the van and well stocked for Christmas with your wife, Jess and Smudge. Sounds like a good gathering to me. Glad to hear you are back at the furniture, you must be an expert now. This year has been so very strange. The phone went dead work wise as it all seemed to be about survival, but strangely I let myself go with the flow and over the summer had wonderful walks in Wimbledon common which is not far. I thought it interesting that everyone around got to experience the huge uncertainty that seems to have followed me through my life. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I wouldn't wish the struggles Ive been through on anyone. Just suddenly everyone seemed to be in the same boat for a change. I've had a few wobbles in the past weeks. More money going out than coming in, but I have saved for such eventualities so coping better than expected. I reckon if I was off the meds, i'd have collapsed into a bad way again. Then I'd be starting the meds again which would have meant 2 months of insomnia and increased anxiety from hell that we veterans got through together. Fingers crossed I can stay calm. My girl is 9 now and Im incredibly proud the way she is developing into a lovely girl. She does piano lessons at school and we have an upright at home we got from a charity shop a couple of year back. Recently she did a school concert on zoom and played a beautiful little piece. Far better than I ever did at school. Anyways, fingers crossed 2021 is a good year, or at least it ends better than it starts.
I will be in touch again soon. best, Rad1
I'm sorry for jumping on your post I'm 30 years old and I have been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years now I was on citlapram for it they stopped working 18 days ago I tested positive for covid all I had was a sore throat and stuffy nose but since then my attacks have been worse then ever I instantly felt like I was going to die I got moved onto venlafaxine 12 days ago 5days at 37.5mg and a week at 75mg I've been feeling like I'm just going to stop breathing chest tight feel like a lump in my throat I shake I look at my husband and kids and get sad thinking I'm not gonna be here much longer feel like I'm just going to stop breathing and don't know why I'm thinking this I took another covid test hoping it show a negative to jog my mind back to how it was before I found I had it but 12 days since last positive and it came back positive again and then it sent me into another panic thinking omg it's still in my body it's going to take me I'm so scared that I can't seem to control my thoughts the thought of thinking I'm dying every day is so exhausting I don't want nothing to be wrong with me I want to be my happy self again I'm scared I'm going to be like this forever and I'm never going to feel me again please if you get to read this give me any reassurance that I am ok I'm not going to just stop breathing my husband I feel as if I'm going to push him away and I be all on my own it's Christmas in 2 days I should be excited for the children but just keep thinking I'm going to end up in hospital unable to breathe and I just don't know why all my symptoms of covid has now gone so I'm worrying if it's still inside and I'm going to get bad I just feel so lost with it all I hope you didn't mind me jumping on your post thank you so much if you get the chance to read this
Kalie, I am so sorry to read how terrified you feel. I know all to well how it feels to lose control. It becomes incredibly hard to function. It’s hard to look after oneself let alone little ones. Coronavirus is scary. But you will come through this ok, and your little ones will keep you distracted and give you purpose. I hope your symptoms have settled down and you start to feel better. Everyone I know who has had it has recovered 100%. That’s about 9 people. Try and allow yourself to relax for 15 mins. Online there are loads of great videos to help you. You will turn this around and move forward.
Kalie galea
27-12-20, 15:23
Thank you for your reply the last 3 weeks have been horrible to go through the same thing every day I was hoping by retesting and knowing for sure it's left I body I would start to be ok but it made me worse because it still come back positive just want to feel me again not like I'm feeling ill everyday hoping for better days
Hi, its been a long long time since i posted on the site, time recently as past with such speed it is scary.
I have managed throughout the pandemic with minimal anxiety, i have lost love ones and friends very close to
me and my family. Im still taking my fluoxatine 20 mg daily but recent events have begun to shake my world
substantially.
I try not to worry about things too much anymore ( easier said than done) but the events that are taking place in
the world at the moment are without doubt my worst nightmare. Im not a religious man as such but on some occasions
i offer a prayer, this time its for an end to the suffering and fighting in the Ukraine.
I know from experience that the events unfolding in the world will be effecting peoples anxiety from around the globe, its not too late
for a peaceful resolution, and i hope and pray that is the case.
Rad 1 , i hope you are doing ok, and coping, its been too long since we chatted my old friend.
Take care everyone, love will conquer all x
Otters, I’ve been thinking of you. Yes a very long time indeed. I hope you are on good form. Lots to tell you about. I will soon. Cheers
Hi Otters, I’m not using the site at all this past year. But I consider you a close pal and I want to ask how you are keeping and let you have my news. I think I may have said, but I got offered some work about 18 months ago. Temporary, see how I would do etc. Well I’m still here! I earned decent money and it’s all helped me get back in a better way. At the start I’d drive in to work with a foggy head feeling ever so nervous. Not knowing how to use the software and with no experience in the field of work. I’ve never worked so hard, long hours, pressure, catching up on weekends too, I wanted to keep it so much. The boss has been tough, shouting at me once or twice and pulling me to bits which was unfair. I felt like walking out but I stuck it. I’m not sure if it’ll last much longer as the business has dipped. But it built my confidence and got my dignity back and I’ll be eternally grateful for them giving me a go. And I’m proud of me sticking it so long. I also got the money owed to me from the previous work. You will recall I stuck out at a legal battle for 2 years, but I won. So some uncertainty is on the way again but I’m managing to cope with that. Not sure if that’ll revert to a panic later and some anxiety, but I’m gonna try and break the pattern and instead stay calm. I went off meds about 2 months ago. I had a wobble. But I also had a fab holiday which I enjoyed. If you get this, please let me know how u r.
Otters, I’m sorry to say since I wrote the above I have gradually got more and more nervous again. I’m now filled with anxiety and will need to give up my job. I can’t function at all well and I’m not sleeping. I am back in the torture of thinking of starting SSRI s with the worsening symptoms. I reckon I was feeling the start of it when I posted the last message.
Say a prayer 🙏🏽. Best, Rad
IrishLondon
06-11-22, 18:34
Hi Rad,
Sorry to jump on this thread. I was just reading through the forum for some positive stories and came across the messages between you and Otterman. What an amazing support you guys were for each other. It was really heartwarming to read!
I’m sorry to hear the anxiety has returned for you since you’ve come off the meds. I’m kind of in the same boat. I was on fluoxetine until two months ago and as life was going good I decided to come off them. The last few weeks have been a nightmare and I’m now on day 9 of restarting 20mg fluoxetine.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing ok and shout if you need a supportive ear as seems like we’re in the same situation.
x
Hi again ☘️ . Yep that support Otters and I gave each other was special. That thread says it all really and I’m glad you like it. I’ve been re-reading it too. We both took the journey which was so hard and unpredictable, we made it through. I’ve answered on the other chat as you pointed out. But happy to look out here too for you. I’m suffering terribly and afraid to go back on the sertraline. But it’s possibly going to have to happen. You keep going as you will get over tge other side and feel better🍀
IrishLondon
07-11-22, 21:16
We’re both suffering together here - not sure how much comfort that brings but at least there’s someone who understands how it feels. The one thing I’m trying to remember - and you should to - is that we’ve been here before, got through it and a beautiful life was waiting on the other side. We’re slap bang in the middle of it so it’s hard to see right now. I’m no replacement for Otters but I’m here. Big hugs to you Rad!
You sound like a really kind and warm hearted human ☘️. It’s easier using the icon than typing Irish London. And I didn’t like to use IL! But if you have a short nickname please share and I will use that. Otters is Otters, you are you. I welcome 🙏🏽 your company. I’m at a really low point at the moment. I had such a terrible end to today. So the hug is appreciated. I hope you get a decent nights rest. Best, Rad
PS I read your other post in intro after writing this. You are having time off too. We seem to have plenty in common. I think you are going to get back to normal sooner than later.
IrishLondon
08-11-22, 10:21
Hey Rad,
I like the shamrock! Or you can just call me Irish - whatever works for you. I’m sorry to hear yesterday ended in a low point - did something in particular happen to make you feel that way? It sounds like work is a real trigger for you at the moment. I’ve seen some other users give good advice on taking time off for a few weeks and not making any big decisions around work while you’re feeling like this. I reckon that’s the way to go right now. I’m asking the doctor for another two weeks off today as work is completely impossible for me right now. Weirdly, I feel a tad better today - wouldn’t be hard though as yesterday was so terrible. I only had a few hours sleep last night with the help of half a tablet but I’m taking that as a success right now. I’m day 11 on the fluoxetine and I’ve read that no sleep is par for the course in these early weeks. My sleep is always the first thing to go when anxiety rears its ugly head anyway.
Going to try and drag myself out for a walk or even to the gym today. I live near a couple of nice big parks so I should go and walk some of this anxious energy off!
Irish x
Hi Irish ☘️,
It was nice to get your message. Last night’s cloud of desperation descending over me was down to spending all day thinking what next. I agree with the advice to mix up the day and plan. I also now realise that one week off was never realistic. I’ve never taken time off work, as I worked for myself (a long story), until 18 months ago. It’s a smallish setup with high expectations so I feel pressure. It is so true that when the spirits and mind are low, things seem impossible and so I will not say anything for now.
I reckon it’s good you’ve asked for two more weeks. Just 3 hrs sleep is tough, even if you expect it. I was given 2 weeks of sleeping tablets (Zopiclone). Is that what you’ve been given? They reckon 1 month at full tablet is ok, so should get u on to the home straight? Or are you on kalms or something similar?
I hope your day went well. What did u get up to? I got out to be with my sister in her office and felt better than at home. Some normality. Then I went home for my first therapy session in years. The online therapist was really experienced 🙏🏽. Early life experiences really seem to play a part in my anxious thinking pattern.
Now Im knackered and ready to hit the hay. I’m holding out til after 10 to regulate my body clock.
Take care, Rad
IrishLondon
09-11-22, 18:21
Hey Rad,
Hope today was a bit better for you. That’s great you’ve got your sister nearby - always good to have a change of scenery, even if it’s just sitting somewhere else for a bit! And great you’ve got family near to you.
I’m keeping things pretty quiet here. Managed to get to the gym for some exercise and went for a walk along the local high street. I feel worried and guilty doing anything more as I’m off work. Have you managed to take any more time off work? I’m sure it just have been a big change moving from being self employed to working a company. I hope they’re understanding with what you’re doing through.
I actually managed ten hours sleep last night but was left feeling very dozey today. I took a double dose of an antihistamine that the doctor gave me. I also have some zolpidem the doctor prescribed for me but I get nervous about taking them and find they only give me a few hours anyway.
Are you going to try to stay off the sertraline for now? I know I’m early days but I’m just really hoping the fluoxetine kicks in for me again - kind of wish I never came off it, everything was going so well a few months ago. But I’m trying to recognise that even an hour feeling ok is a bit of progress.
Anyway keep me posted how you’re getting on.
Irish
Hey Rad,
Hope today was a bit better for you. That’s great you’ve got your sister nearby - always good to have a change of scenery, even if it’s just sitting somewhere else for a bit! And great you’ve got family near to you.
I’m keeping things pretty quiet here. Managed to get to the gym for some exercise and went for a walk along the local high street. I feel worried and guilty doing anything more as I’m off work. Have you managed to take any more time off work? I’m sure it just have been a big change moving from being self employed to working a company. I hope they’re understanding with what you’re doing through.
I actually managed ten hours sleep last night but was left feeling very dozey today. I took a double dose of an antihistamine that the doctor gave me. I also have some zolpidem the doctor prescribed for me but I get nervous about taking them and find they only give me a few hours anyway.
Are you going to try to stay off the sertraline for now? I know I’m early days but I’m just really hoping the fluoxetine kicks in for me again - kind of wish I never came off it, everything was going so well a few months ago. But I’m trying to recognise that even an hour feeling ok is a bit of progress.
Anyway keep me posted how you’re getting on.
Irish
Hi Irish,
Well I had a nightmare sleep last night. I fell off around 11, woke must be 1am, got back on and off and was wide awake 2am till 7. Anxiety flowing away even though I had relaxing classical music on on my earphones. Just a zombie at 7am but I managed to cook eggs for my daughter and then flopped on the bed again. Later after lunch I did get to my sister again. Felt down and edgy, but oddly got back some positivity from being out and she’s amazing at reassuring. I think my mindset is ‘how will I ever get a job with all this likely to flare up any time.’ That’s how my mind sees it, then it grips me emotionally in the gut and a little squirt of adrenaline or cortisol is fuel injected in to my blood.
Gym sounds good! 10 hours sleep?! You had my missing 5 hrs 😂! I can joke now, but I’m dreading tonight. I’m so tired I could fall off but waiting a little longer. And this is without Sertraline!
I will tell u tomorrow about my prescription as I spoke to my GP tonight.
Take care Irish, you are a step closer to feeling your old self. I came off a few months ago as life felt really decent for 12 months and I thought I’d cracked my anxiety. Getting back on scares the hell out of me. I regret it as I have minimal side effects, slight weight gain and slight dodgy tummy. A small price.
Take care ☘️
IrishLondon
12-11-22, 12:33
Hi Rad
How are you keeping? Any nice plans for the weekend lined up?
It’s been a varied couple of days for me. Have had some very bad moments and then some moments where I feel almost like my old self.
Thursday night was bad. I had zero sleep despite taking an antihistamine. But weirdly my anxiety on Friday about not sleeping wasn’t as bad as it was a few weeks ago. It wasn’t pleasant by any means but friends from Ireland arrived yesterday who are staying with us for the weekend and I just had to get on with it despite feeling awful. I even had a few beers last night! I was worried I wouldn’t sleep again but with being exhausted, the beers and the antihistamine I eventually slept from 1am to around 10am.
So after the hell of Thursday night and yesterday, I’m actually feeling ok today. I guess this journey is all about ups and downs until the meds settle.
How has your anxiety been? Are you managing to keep on top of it?
I hope you have even a little bit of respite over the weekend - I think even those short moments show that the real us is still in there somewhere.
Take care Rad.
Irish
Hi Rad
How are you keeping? Any nice plans for the weekend lined up?
It’s been a varied couple of days for me. Have had some very bad moments and then some moments where I feel almost like my old self.
Thursday night was bad. I had zero sleep despite taking an antihistamine. But weirdly my anxiety on Friday about not sleeping wasn’t as bad as it was a few weeks ago. It wasn’t pleasant by any means but friends from Ireland arrived yesterday who are staying with us for the weekend and I just had to get on with it despite feeling awful. I even had a few beers last night! I was worried I wouldn’t sleep again but with being exhausted, the beers and the antihistamine I eventually slept from 1am to around 10am.
So after the hell of Thursday night and yesterday, I’m actually feeling ok today. I guess this journey is all about ups and downs until the meds settle.
How has your anxiety been? Are you managing to keep on top of it?
I hope you have even a little bit of respite over the weekend - I think even those short moments show that the real us is still in there somewhere.
Take care Rad.
Irish
Hi Irish,
It sounds like you are getting there with all those good moments. I’m very happy for you. Tiredness is a factor. It’s good your friends were over.
I am not great. Some very hard mornings. I wake at say 4, then can’t do much but lay awake for hours churning things over. I managed to switch off and go to a birthday party last night. Formal thing with dinner and dancing for 60. I managed ok, smiles on my face. Slipped out earlier than I would have liked. But a few nice moments. The D day has arrived, I took my first sertraline this morning. I felt rather nauseous by this afternoon and had really tensed up shoulders. I wondered if that could happen so quick. Possibly as it is 8 hrs on.
So here I go.
Take care and let me know how your day goes.
Rad
IrishLondon
13-11-22, 17:51
Hi Rad,
Massive well done to you for going to the birthday party last night. I know it’s hard to realise when we’re feeling this way - but moments like that are huge. I had a few moments feeling ok when I was out last night too.
I know how big it is to take that first tablet again. I was in a proper state two weeks ago when I took my first 20mg again. I just couldn’t work out if it was the right thing to do or not. Even thought everyone was telling me to do it, my mind was fighting against it. I know only we can make the decision for ourselves to go back on these meds and I’m sure we’ve both made the right decision for us. I’m sure the symptoms you felt after taking it could have been your anxiety - I’ve realised anxiety can make us feel absolutely anything.
My occasional good moments are still swiftly followed by very anxious periods. It’s almost as if my mind recognises I’m having these “normal” feelings and says hang on you’re not better, here’s a load more anxiety for you. But it does feel like the extreme anxious crying episodes that I was having every few hours three weeks ago have left for now - so I’m seeing that as gradual progress. But my heart can just start pounding for absolutely no reason - like right now - and the fear still descends throughout the day.
I have another catch up with the doctor this week. She mentioned beta blockers the last time so I’m wondering if I should try those for the physical symptoms.
I do have to say, when I’m in this state, it does make me appreciate the small things in life so much. Just the feeling of having a relaxed cuppa - I can’t wait for that again. I’m just hoping as the weeks progress the meds settle - I’m only day 16 so a while to go yet I guess.
Keep in touch Rad and here’s to us feeling much better in the near future.
Irish
Hi Irish,
I typed in a reply and don’t think the save button worked. In essence I was saying I used Beta blockers when I was a young man. I recall heading in to meetings absolutely petrified and the heart pounding made me scared. It’s great to have them in your pocket just ready in case of an emergency. My technique now is all about breathing and it reassures the mind if you deep breath. It slows it all down for me. I did some meditation course which stays with me.
The sudden attacks you have are a bit like my sudden anxious states where my head goes into fear. I can feel the pit of my stomach something like an injection of adrenaline as soon as I stray into a sensitive thought about future. Maybe it’s simply a nerve ending. I even had one in my sleep the other night and it woke me up. I’m living in a nightmare period. I’m worried about losing my home when I thought I was really safe. Yesterday I opened a letter about interest rate rise and it knocked me flat. I’ve been coming to terms with the fact some things we can’t control. So my highest level of anxiety hit me, tonight I’m spent and feeling depression has set in. Oddly I can’t properly cry and I want to. I also have some anger mixed in to my feelings, towards the situation not myself.
Did you say you were doing CBT? I sure know from my sessions what made me anxious. Programming at an early age from experiences and things said. But I reckon it’s also genetic to some degree. I don’t know your triggers but when you understand the reason for the panic, it can help change perspective.
Day 16, that’s gonna be day 20 then 25 in no time. You are a courageous man to keep pushing through. You deserve to find your better balance.
Keep going ☘️ You are another step closer to being you.
Rad
IrishLondon
15-11-22, 11:50
Hey Rad
Was great to get your message. We’re both going through it right now aren’t we? I’m glad I’ve got this place to come and let some of the thoughts out - I don’t think that people who haven’t been through the anxiety mill really get how awful it is.
I’m so sorry you’re having all those anxious thoughts about your house Rad. You’re absolutely right there are some things we can’t control. But losing your house would be the last thing that is likely to happen so there are ways for them to help if you think it’s getting to that stage. Anxiety always likes to show us the worst possible outcome and drown out all the other possibilities that are much more likely.
I had CBT a few years back and it did help back then but I feel I’ve lost the skills I learnt. I am trying to do mindfulness as well but I need to be more consistent in doing it - I use an app and try to do 20 minutes at a time but haven’t done it for the last few days. I have another check in with the doctor tomorrow so will she what she says about the blockers.
Sleep is still a massive issue for me. It’s what started off this anxiety spiral for me and I also know it’s a side effect of the fluoxetine so it’s like a double whammy. I decided not to take anything last night and my heart was basically racing all night and I only drifted off for about an hour at around 7am. Just awful. I’ll prob take an antihistamine tonight again to help me nod off - even though the doc says they aren’t addictive, I really want to get my natural sleep back. But I’m definitely massively anxious about it and there’s nothing worse for sleep than trying too hard to get it.
Anyway, sorry for the long message. I hope today is a little brighter for you. And in a few more weeks we’ll both be the guys we were a couple of months ago.
Big hugs.
Irish
Hi Irish,
We are at the hard face of anxiety for sure. I agree how helpful it is to share here with people who get it. I was pleased to know Otters, and I’m blessed to know you too.
On the subject of mindfulness or meditation I use longer YouTube versions. I did a course at a yoga centre 2 years ago. (Sorry if I repeat) It was really interesting and I would recommend it to you. I’ve heard about so many people who’ve called it life changing. The mind gets a workout, it also gets a rest from chatterbox. It’s genuinely helped me control my heartbeat. I’m guilty of not keeping it up too but I do light a candle and try at home. And I’m also guilty of not exercising enough. When I lay awake I pop my headphones on and so I like the long ones of an hour.
Sleep sounds so tough for you. I prey you get catch up tonight. As mentioned, I have been prescribed Zopiclone. (Again sorry if I repeat) I reckon if it gives you a few nights sleep it will help you reset your body clock. No need to take regularly. I did 11pm to 4am last night on a half tablet. This time around I’m in the spare room so I don’t disturb my partner. I wake up boiling, move the duvet etc. then rarely get back off. I have a spare half to hand in case it’s a 2 am wake-up. What is the antihistamine called? Is it prescribed?
Today has been my worst. Mornings are hardest. But it’s one step at a time, I need to get the chemical balance better in my brain so I can function. Take it from there.
I am getting nauseous as a side effect too. So it is hard to eat. Breakfast I force myself, dinner too. That whole loss of control upsets me.
My message is long too. It is therapeutic to read and write.
Take care and if you lay awake, there’s another laying awake too. We can prey for each other to get rested.
Rad
IrishLondon
17-11-22, 12:14
Hey Rad
Today’s a bad one for me I’m afraid. I didn’t sleep at all last night again. And it’s caused a huge spike in my anxiety today. I’m a 40 year old man and I’ve basically been crying on the sofa all day. Honestly feel I’ve kind of lost the person I was - I don’t know where he’s gone.
I was taking Phenergan - the doc prescribed it for me. It’s like an allergy tablet but makes you drowsy. I haven’t taken anything the last three nights - the middle night I got a decent sleep but probably because I was so wrecked from no sleep the night before. I noticed Otters also had sleep problems in the first few weeks of fluoxetine so I’m seeing his progress as hope.
I’ve got my counselling session this afternoon so there’ll be lots to talk about. I really do want to learn mindfulness and my counsellor does a bit of it with me but I find it difficult when the anxiety is so high.
I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing nausea from the meds. I hope that’ll pass for you soon. I’ve read somewhere as the side effects pass, the calming effects increase.
I really wish I could flick a switch and make this better for both of us. Know that there’s someone here going through it with you.
Irish
Hi Irish,
Sorry to hear that about your sleeping. It sounds like you’re desperately sad underneath. Allow the tears, get the emotions out, be kind a compassionate to yourself. You are having a horrible time, these meds are cruel. Sleepless torture is the worst whatever age you are.
I didn’t get much last night myself. I skipped taking the sleeping pill and I couldn’t get to sleep, but in the end managed 12 til 3am. Then I woke with a jolt in the nightmare of my finances and prospect of moving out in the months ahead. I couldn’t do breakfast for my daughter or get her to school, I felt I wanted to be hospitalised. My therapist was a bit speechless 😶 at all the difficulties.
Im yawning 🥱 lots as I type this. Preying for a decent rest and less anxious struggle. And I’m still in 25mg.
Keep surviving Irish. Hugs.
Rad
Hi Irish,
I wondered if things had got better for you at all? I've not heard back etc.
I upped my meds to 50mg. I had a sleepless night last night, and it was a torture lying there. I had to be up at 7am to help my daughter get ready for school.
No pressure to reply, I was just hoping you are feeling better.
Best Rad
IrishLondon
21-11-22, 15:56
Hey Rad
I’m so sorry for no replying. We had some visitors staying over the weekend. It was kind of a good thing to take my mind off it all.
I was with you on the sleepless night last night. Just not in a good place today.
I’ve been reading that maybe what I should be doing is actually just trying to get on with life as normal and let the anxiety and sleep just be. So I’m toying with going back to work. As I’m pretty miserable sitting at home on my own.
Well done Rad for continuing on the meds. I’m hoping there are brighter days ahead for us both.
Irish
Hi Irish,
No need to apologise. I was just hoping all was ok.
I think if you can have visitors and cope ok, that’s a really good indicator. It gives a feeling of normality and builds confidence. Only you can know about work. It’s wonderful you are contemplating it. I think sitting at home dwelling on things is hard.
Im hoping for a proper rest tonight. It’s been a dreadful period in my life.
Take care,
Rad
IrishLondon
01-12-22, 23:56
Hey Rad
How are you? I’ve not been on the forum for a while. It’s been a rough few weeks for me and I decided to try and take a break. It’s been a real struggle and I also managed to get covid which has made everything worse.
Anyway, I didn’t want to come on here and moan but instead ask how are you keeping?
I keep re-reading the success stories on here and try to tell myself that’ll be me one day.
Take care rad.
Hey Rad
How are you? I’ve not been on the forum for a while. It’s been a rough few weeks for me and I decided to try and take a break. It’s been a real struggle and I also managed to get covid which has made everything worse.
Anyway, I didn’t want to come on here and moan but instead ask how are you keeping?
I keep re-reading the success stories on here and try to tell myself that’ll be me one day.
Take care rad.
Hi Irish,
Sorry it’s been tough. Covid sounds awful. Did u get back to work at all?
Im also having a rough time. My sleep is settling a bit, usually get from 11 until 4 now, without the Zopiclone. I face the financial music in the months ahead and the fear is awful.but yesterday I had my best day for a while and thought, I can work soon. Today has been terrible.
Rad
Hi Rad,
Its been an absolute age since we last spoke, much has changed in the last year my old friend.
I have read the last posts you put on this thread and it sounds like you went through the mill again! Hope and pray
your feeling better.
I doubt very much you will get this message, but if you do, and feel like it, it would be good to have
catch up as much has happened since last we spoke.
All the best wishes my old friend
Otters..
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