elik
19-06-18, 21:13
This seems to be a year of a lot of recognition of who I surround myself with (too much thinking about it). I'm questioning every relationship and every dynamic and how each of my actions effects how it continues. I am realising I've spent so much of my life bending my character to mould and fit in with others and I'm tired and have no confidence. A situation that has completely thrown me is that I have been shot down by a friend on occasions that have knocked me and betrayed my trust in confiding in her. I can't be myself in terms of being completely true because I feel she'd laugh at that side to me so I narrow myself. I confirmed the other day that I must not invest too much time in this person although I deeply care about everyone let alone someone who is meant to be deemed a good friend. A horrible thing happened a couple of days ago and her long lost dad died and I feel so sad for her and heavy hearted but I'm aware I can't keep being everyone's 'go to' person. Now I don't know how to act, I want to offer my kindness but I don't want to remain feeling on guard and for it to feel one sided and just plain unnatural . I want more than anything to feel a closeness with someone in the same way they do to me. I'm so reserved and distant now because I don't want to keep having these friendships that I remain shut off whilst people see me as very close. It means it feels so unnatural. I genuinely care to much for others also and find it hard not to want to help everyone but I'm stopping myself from being their go to person to protect them and me. I want to be authentic but always kind and I don't know how to achieve the balance.