sprouts1
23-06-18, 14:14
Hey guys!
I have been trying to do inner work, to better understand where exactly all of these years of anxiety have really come from. I would really like to hear other peoples experiences.
I have realized I am an insane perfectionist, I am obsessed with the idea of being perceived as "good". Proving that I am good enough to others, and to myself, through ways of proving how "good" I am. Whether that be with drawing, sewing, cosplay, writing, work, money, jobs, makeup, relationships, arguing, school, etc. I always try to be the BEST so everyone can see how good I am, and I can prove to myself that, yes, I am worth it. I am successful. I am a good person. I make good decisions. This in turn makes me extremely fearful of failing, making mistakes, and not doing things well enough.
The older I get I have realized I used to express it very passive aggressively as a teenager. I was not a very nice person. I was always trying to be better than everyone else but I would never let anyone know that. It came from an insecurity of self, I always felt I wasn't good enough. So I needed to always prove myself. I think this greatly stems from my childhood. Both my parents were drug addicts, when I was real little they would sleep until 12 and I would wander around alone. When my father left because my mom got clean, I probably blamed it on myself. When my mom had manic episodes because of bipolar disorder, I felt I was always walking on eggshells, and I probably thought it was my fault. I never knew what to expect from my mother and constantly had to cater to her current mood. At 22, I still do. I think everything made me feel like if I was better, none of this would have happened. If I was better, I wouldn't have to be my mother's mother, If I was better my dad wouldn't have left, If I was better my parents wouldn't treat me this way.
Of course I know this isn't true. But I had never really thought about how my childhood has affected the way I view the world as an adult. Clearly it made me feel small and insignificant. This fuels my perfectionist, (yet occasional procrastinating) personality. I internalize my feelings, and then project them onto other aspects of my life. I use external sources to increase my sense of self worth, and I blame my anxieties on external sources because I am too fearful to admit that It is an internal problem, and that I am terrified of failure.
I have been trying to do inner work, to better understand where exactly all of these years of anxiety have really come from. I would really like to hear other peoples experiences.
I have realized I am an insane perfectionist, I am obsessed with the idea of being perceived as "good". Proving that I am good enough to others, and to myself, through ways of proving how "good" I am. Whether that be with drawing, sewing, cosplay, writing, work, money, jobs, makeup, relationships, arguing, school, etc. I always try to be the BEST so everyone can see how good I am, and I can prove to myself that, yes, I am worth it. I am successful. I am a good person. I make good decisions. This in turn makes me extremely fearful of failing, making mistakes, and not doing things well enough.
The older I get I have realized I used to express it very passive aggressively as a teenager. I was not a very nice person. I was always trying to be better than everyone else but I would never let anyone know that. It came from an insecurity of self, I always felt I wasn't good enough. So I needed to always prove myself. I think this greatly stems from my childhood. Both my parents were drug addicts, when I was real little they would sleep until 12 and I would wander around alone. When my father left because my mom got clean, I probably blamed it on myself. When my mom had manic episodes because of bipolar disorder, I felt I was always walking on eggshells, and I probably thought it was my fault. I never knew what to expect from my mother and constantly had to cater to her current mood. At 22, I still do. I think everything made me feel like if I was better, none of this would have happened. If I was better, I wouldn't have to be my mother's mother, If I was better my dad wouldn't have left, If I was better my parents wouldn't treat me this way.
Of course I know this isn't true. But I had never really thought about how my childhood has affected the way I view the world as an adult. Clearly it made me feel small and insignificant. This fuels my perfectionist, (yet occasional procrastinating) personality. I internalize my feelings, and then project them onto other aspects of my life. I use external sources to increase my sense of self worth, and I blame my anxieties on external sources because I am too fearful to admit that It is an internal problem, and that I am terrified of failure.