Family adding to anxiety/ depression?

[CuteyMcpretty]

Hi

I'm not sure if i'm posting in the right bit, I just wanted to get someone else's view on my situation really.
I suffer from depression/anxiety/panic/IBS.
I'm a single parent and currently on JSA. I have no family support who can help with childcare, so anything i do during weekdays has to be between 10-2pm.
I feel quite guilty writing this as my parents do try and help me out when they can, but theyre both in their late 60's, my mother has bipolar and is an alcoholic. Shes had so many detoxes that i've lost count and my dad has Alzheimers. My Mother used to a lovely person but she turns nasty when she's had a drink ( which is everyday). she has driven me and my son in her car before, with a glass of wine at the wheel. When i said something to her about it my son got upset and started crying and she said he was putting it on.
She also, a few weeks ago, blamed me for her feeling suicidal because i couldnt go round to their house to take some rubbish to the tip for her. I regularly take her wine bottles to the tip as theres too much to fit in her blue bin. You'd think that would be a wake up call.
Around a year ago, my parents had their mobility car taken off them and the only other family we have is my brother, who doesnt have a car, although he can afford to buy one, he just won't.
So, since then whenever any of them need anything they ring me and expect me to drop everything and either go round to theirs, take them shopping, take them to drs, take them to vets etc and my brother is the same. If i say no i'm made to feel horrible/selfish etc. They dont seem to realise that first of all i have a child to look after, Ive had to leave him on his own before to go and do their errands for them. I wish they would start online shopping but they won't.
on opening my eyes usually the phone will be ringing and it will be my mam, asking me to do them a favour. This is usually everyday. If i say iam busy or tired or dont feel well etc, she'll then ask me to lend my car to my brother, which involves 6 miles there and back, then being without the car for the day and then 6 miles there and back again, also my car is really old and falling to bits, so its just being worn into the ground.
Most recently, i got my car back from lending it out 3 days ago. My mam has phoned me 3 times today already asking me to go to a shop for her. Its down a busy main road ( which they know gives me anxiety), and i said do you mind if i go tomorrow instead? then i get a load of abuse off her. If i cant' go why cant i lend my brother the car again so he can go?
It was only last week she put the phone down on me for saying i would go and do her errands the next day instead of immediately when she rang.
I dread the sound of the phone ringing, i'm finding myself constantly grinding my teeth, tensing up and just worrying about everything.
I have an appointment at the jobcentre next week which im dreading and also preparing a job search for, I'm currently trying to sort my house out as its a bit of a state, also just all the everyday things i have to do as a single parent, cooking cleaning washing shopping etc.
Ive tried telling them its too much but they just think i'm being selfish and then that makes me feel worse. If they lived in the next street or something it would be easier, but its a 6 miles round trip just about everyday and when they ask me to do errands, it will take at least 3 or 4 hours. my son refuses to come with me so hes at home on his own while i run around after them.
Is it selfish of me to say no to them? Theres only myself, my parents and my brother. I know they would help me more if they could, but they physcially can't and because my mother is always drunk she cant drive anymore so no point in them having a car.
This is just all adding my anxiety so much, but they dont see it.
Thanks for any advice/ replies

[Fishmanpa]

That's quite a situation you have there! Frankly, family or friends, there comes a time when you have to set limits or divorce yourself from the situation for your own safety and health no matter how difficult it is to do so. I did it with some of my family growing up and I'm much better for it.

Positive thoughts

[ankietyjoe]

It is absolutely 100% fine to remove toxic family members from your life. Without exception.

Life is too short to endure people who refuse let go of negative behaviour, no matter who they are. It's fine to give them a bit of leeway, but if they keep repeating the same behaviour even after you have communicated how it effects you, then cut the cord.

[welsh girl]

Don't make yourself ill, you have your child to think of and that is more important that a selfish family who won't help themselves,
After all they have lived their live what ever they decided to do with it,
Your own family come first now, good luck

[CuteyMcpretty]

Thanks for the replies everyone, it makes me feel a bit better knowing its not just me ‘being selfish’.

[Cherryade]

It will be difficult if not impossible for you to completely cut yourself off from your family. Could you say to your parents that you will set aside one day a week, say every Tuesday, to do their weekly shop with/for them. After that, for the rest of the week, they will have to rely on the local shops.
If your father has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, then there should be help available to your parents - home help etc. Get Social Services involved.

Can you tell your parents that you can no longer afford to have your brother's name on the car insurance (I assume the car is insured for him as well?) and so he cannot borrow the car.


How old is your son? Can he be left on his own safely? - That may be another reason you cannot jump to their command.


I think you need to practise saying no, and meaning it. By the sound of it, you have a lot to do for yourself and your son without being responsible for your parents.

[Mindprison]

My mother had no choice but to cut my grandmother out of her life because of the way she was treating her. Basically she wasn't allowed a life of her own and everything had to be about looking after her mother.

Some people, even family, just can't be helped and when it comes to the point where it's negatively affecting your own life, there needs to be a line drawn.

You have enough to worry about without her problems being added to your own. It's not selfish to focus on yourself especially with anxiety issues.

[Roseessa]

First of all, you are an amazing person/daughter to do those things for them when you have your own health and son to look after.
Second toxic people won't be good for your health or for your son to be around either as he will see how it impacts them and kids see and know a lot more than we think. They are smart and intuitive.
How are you these last few days?