CarpeDiem
29-07-07, 23:13
Hi there,
May I firstly just apologise; what started as an introduction has morphed into "A brief history of moi" - But it seems a shame to delete it as its the first time I've ever put it all down in words. Thank you in anticipation of your tolerance! :blush:
I have anxiety & panic attacks which make me feel as though I am losing control of my body & mind. Over the last 7 years, I have systematically stopped doing anything which I have convinced myself may cause either of these. Unfortunately I have let it get to a stage where this now encompasses everything except going to work. (I think this is because I have always had a seperate persona at work anyway & have to wear a uniform, so it is like I am still able to keep the "real me" hidden away)
Feeling out of control has lead me to seek to control smaller & smaller things as I feel like they're all I can get a grip on & I've developed many obsessive rituals/ticks. I feel like its not really me doing these things, infact, sometimes even AS I'm doing them, I'm screaming at myself to stop it; berrating myself for being so pathetic.
All of these things put together cause me to have periods of deep depression. Sometimes I get so down & feel so empty, its like there are no emotions left in me at all, I just sit quietly with tears streaming down my face, no sobbing or sniffing. Its like I can feel my body dying; as there is no soul left in me to sustain it.
Then sometimes I have moments when I feel like a superhero; I feel so full of hope & so grateful to be alive & have one more second to live, one more chance to exist. Like the world has shown me such pain to give me wisdom beyond my years. Am I just searching for validation? (ie: There must be some reason for my suffering, it must be because I'm actually not a depressed wreck & I'm really destined to change the world!) Who cares? If it makes me feel like this, I'm hapy to go along with it.
God, 7 years. Almost makes me cry every time I say it just because its so sad to think of the time I've lost to er, well, feeling lost (!) I'd love to build a time machine so I could go back & give myself a big hug + share all the wonderful advice I've received over the years with my younger self at a stage where I was not too jaded to act on it. But I can't. So there.
I really feel the urge to fight my demons now. I've gone through so many stages of feeling like the depression, anxiety, etc were all external things that were just happening to me rather than accepting that everything I'm feeling is coming from inside my head. I think this is because the next natural thought after that was.... shit..... I must be insane. Scary stuff.
Now, I feel like I have such a respect for the awesome power of my mind. It can make so many things feel SO REAL even when theyre not. It can inject the superhero feeling into the my darkest of moments. And I'm in the drivers seat! Wow! What a privilage! It allows me to feel so connected with everyone around me & so empathetic to people in situations I have never even experienced but can imagine by putting myself in their place. This has helped me to be a much nicer person & given me something to like about myself & even maybe feel a little bit proud of.
Some wonderful person's mind told them to put this site together so that many people could experience that empathy, maybe even spanning the entire world. Amazing.
I feel like I make progress with the things that trouble me most days but equally I feel other areas of my life deteriorating before my eyes. But thats just how it is, right?
When you get depressed or suffer with anxiety, you just want to be "normal" again. Only now, in your head, being "normal" has become being "perfect". Its as if you play a cruel trick on yourself by setting yourself up for a goal you are unlikely to achieve. For a while, I forgot that what is "normal" is to have varied emotions, if you didn't, you wouldn't be reacting to anyone or anything around you & that would be a terrible thing. So I think the best goal to have is strength to just get on with things, to roll with the punches. Cos you never know whats around the corner but imagine if you knew that whatever it was, you would be ok anyway. I can't wait for that day.
So far, I've counselling, group therapy, medication, psychotherapy, the list goes on. But mostly the thing that has helped me most is determination. Get something you want to fight for so that even at the hardest of times, some part of you is always cheering you on & getting you through it.
I'm not there yet but I hope I keep feeling the urge to carry on regardless & I can be like the people who welcomed me to this site when I first went in the chat room last night - Open, friendly & understanding. Marvelous qualities to have. Who knows who's heart you might touch if you just share?
May I firstly just apologise; what started as an introduction has morphed into "A brief history of moi" - But it seems a shame to delete it as its the first time I've ever put it all down in words. Thank you in anticipation of your tolerance! :blush:
I have anxiety & panic attacks which make me feel as though I am losing control of my body & mind. Over the last 7 years, I have systematically stopped doing anything which I have convinced myself may cause either of these. Unfortunately I have let it get to a stage where this now encompasses everything except going to work. (I think this is because I have always had a seperate persona at work anyway & have to wear a uniform, so it is like I am still able to keep the "real me" hidden away)
Feeling out of control has lead me to seek to control smaller & smaller things as I feel like they're all I can get a grip on & I've developed many obsessive rituals/ticks. I feel like its not really me doing these things, infact, sometimes even AS I'm doing them, I'm screaming at myself to stop it; berrating myself for being so pathetic.
All of these things put together cause me to have periods of deep depression. Sometimes I get so down & feel so empty, its like there are no emotions left in me at all, I just sit quietly with tears streaming down my face, no sobbing or sniffing. Its like I can feel my body dying; as there is no soul left in me to sustain it.
Then sometimes I have moments when I feel like a superhero; I feel so full of hope & so grateful to be alive & have one more second to live, one more chance to exist. Like the world has shown me such pain to give me wisdom beyond my years. Am I just searching for validation? (ie: There must be some reason for my suffering, it must be because I'm actually not a depressed wreck & I'm really destined to change the world!) Who cares? If it makes me feel like this, I'm hapy to go along with it.
God, 7 years. Almost makes me cry every time I say it just because its so sad to think of the time I've lost to er, well, feeling lost (!) I'd love to build a time machine so I could go back & give myself a big hug + share all the wonderful advice I've received over the years with my younger self at a stage where I was not too jaded to act on it. But I can't. So there.
I really feel the urge to fight my demons now. I've gone through so many stages of feeling like the depression, anxiety, etc were all external things that were just happening to me rather than accepting that everything I'm feeling is coming from inside my head. I think this is because the next natural thought after that was.... shit..... I must be insane. Scary stuff.
Now, I feel like I have such a respect for the awesome power of my mind. It can make so many things feel SO REAL even when theyre not. It can inject the superhero feeling into the my darkest of moments. And I'm in the drivers seat! Wow! What a privilage! It allows me to feel so connected with everyone around me & so empathetic to people in situations I have never even experienced but can imagine by putting myself in their place. This has helped me to be a much nicer person & given me something to like about myself & even maybe feel a little bit proud of.
Some wonderful person's mind told them to put this site together so that many people could experience that empathy, maybe even spanning the entire world. Amazing.
I feel like I make progress with the things that trouble me most days but equally I feel other areas of my life deteriorating before my eyes. But thats just how it is, right?
When you get depressed or suffer with anxiety, you just want to be "normal" again. Only now, in your head, being "normal" has become being "perfect". Its as if you play a cruel trick on yourself by setting yourself up for a goal you are unlikely to achieve. For a while, I forgot that what is "normal" is to have varied emotions, if you didn't, you wouldn't be reacting to anyone or anything around you & that would be a terrible thing. So I think the best goal to have is strength to just get on with things, to roll with the punches. Cos you never know whats around the corner but imagine if you knew that whatever it was, you would be ok anyway. I can't wait for that day.
So far, I've counselling, group therapy, medication, psychotherapy, the list goes on. But mostly the thing that has helped me most is determination. Get something you want to fight for so that even at the hardest of times, some part of you is always cheering you on & getting you through it.
I'm not there yet but I hope I keep feeling the urge to carry on regardless & I can be like the people who welcomed me to this site when I first went in the chat room last night - Open, friendly & understanding. Marvelous qualities to have. Who knows who's heart you might touch if you just share?