Kark1970
04-07-18, 13:57
Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. I am not sure who it was who penned this, but it reminds me of my own recent past.
For the past six months I have been headlong into a near catastrophic bout of depression and anxiety centered around my health. I nearly lost not only my mind, but my job and my partner of nearly nineteen years with whom I have an 8 yr old daughter. I am not new to this, having had a scare a year and a half ago which involved me being convinced I had Bowel Cancer.
It took lots of visits to the GP and testing for me to be
free of the obtrusive thoughts (for a while) on with my life. The thing was, was that the part of my brain that was convinced I had this was impossible to convince otherwise, thus creating all the symptoms to perpetuate my belief (weight loss, cortisone induced muscle tension, loose stools, night sweats etc). I tentativley started some CBT after this, but the problem now of course is that the event was gone, I felt good. Why did I need to carry on with these sessions??
Well that reason came and visited me six months ago, and whilst I haven't fully recovered from it yet, I am feeling more hopeful and able to project myself into the future a bit and look forward to things. My sleep which has been near non existent the past 6 months (really, many of these months were spent with 3-4 hours at best asleep) has started to improve, and people around me are noticing a change, I "feel" happier, it can be done. It can't be rushed, but it can be surmounted.
My story as such is that I am 48 yrs old and do a sedintary job, but I am not unfit, sure I don't 'work out' but I am active, walk to work 3 miles a day, eat failry well etc. In October last year I was parking my car and turned to reverse into a spot when I felt my back give out. I am nearly 6' so I do get back problems, had them in the past so thought nothing of it. 3 weeks later, the initial sciatic type pain went away, and I was left with just a dull ache in my lower back. OK I thought, this is taking a bit longer to go away than usual, I will book myself some Osteopathy appointments. I did these through November and December with no real change. Start of the new year I did a couple more sessions but had lost the faith that it may be helping me. So then my mind turns to Googling my symptoms, "How long should lower back pain last", "lower back pain, is it Cancer?" with of course the results being drilled into deeper and more and more ominous results returned. I started wondering what kind of Cancer I might have, and so it started. at the end of December I got chatting to an old friend on messenger I used to work with years ago, we chatted and since we'd last spoken his dad (92) had passed away. I gave my condolences and asked how, he said he'd died of Prostate Cancer and that he'd been complaining of aches and pains for ages, but hadn't said anything and soldiered on, you know, typical bloke mentality stuff. So I finished the conversation and of course went and Googled Prostate Cancer, I had never even heard of it before. I read about all the symptoms, lower back pain being one of them, then urination. I have always had a "nervous bladder" as such and never really thought much of it, until the symptoms mentioned urgency, the need to urinate urgently. I looked back and could remember several times in the past year that I had had that, on the way to walk some mornings, and back from work occasionally I would need to find a convenient place to go, as I didn't feel I could wait, that and
my mind working to remember many other occasions when I needed to go urgently, such as meetings at work and whilst driving.
So now I had built the picture and I was starting to genuienly freak out. I booked a visit to my GP stating I had got Advanced Prostate Cancer and needed testing. I went to the surgery and was given a DRE (finger up the bum to check lumps on Prostate) and a urine analysis and a PSA blood test to test for Prostate Cancer antigens. The DRE was negative, as was the urine analysis and after a week the blood test came back at 0.8 which is low and well within range for a 48 yr old, 2.4 being the highest I think for someone my age and the point at which they may look to get a biopsy or MRI, or be referred to a Urologist.
I was somewhat relieved by these results, and the next few days were good. I got on with stuff normally and didn't really think anything else about it. But then uncertaintly struck me, I started googling "reliability of PSA test" and other search terms. It was now that I discovered that the PSA test is really rather unreliable, and that 15% of men tested can still have Cancer! Now I am the type of person who likes things to be black and white, everyone is like this, surely? I NEED to know that this test is final, no more needs to be done. This doubt then gradually spread like wildfire, that and the fact that you can have a very low PSA and still have Cancer (small cell prostate cancers are very hard to detect) tipped me over completely.
So started 4 months of sometimes twice weekly calls and visits to my GP, with symptom after symptom including having two more full blood tests, I called Macmillan, Prostate UK helpline, among others to explain that I thought I had been misdiagnosed, slipped through the net etc. Then I found a website for people who actually had Advanced Prostate Cancer, and posted my concerns there. Please, anyone reading this NEVER DO THIS! I was given many mixed replies saying that they didn't think I had it for one reason or another, but of course the replies I most identified with were those that matched my symptoms, muscle aches (tension, anxiety) Urination (tension, anxiety) all this added to my complete and utter belief that it was true, and
there was no way I couldn't have it now.
Eventually, at the end of April this year I was so frustrated at not being taken seriously by my GP that I rang the practice manager and stated I was not being taken seriously, and that I wass symptomatic and had fallen through the net! I was rung back in the afternoon and offered an appointment for an MRI on my Prostate, which I accepted, nervously. The MRI was a month later and by this time, my work and relationship were on a very downward slope. Work had been very supportive in many ways, but my partner found it incredibly difficult, and bore most of the bulk of my depression and anxiety, body checking, constant statements that I was dying, sleep loss and constant crying.
The MRI I nervously went through with, and waited for the test results to come back (what I thought was a foregone conclusion of them having found it). The GP rang me on a Friday morning, but I had rung the surgery the afternoon before and found out that the MRI results were in, my GP had assured me he would ring straight away as soon as it was in! I took this to mean that of course, it's the weekend and he'd give me the weekend to start getting to terms with the bad news! So with a terrible nights sleep I awoke at 7 am with a private number calling. I let it ring, I didn't want to answer the call, I was terrified. He rang twice, both times I ignored it, but then I saw a voice message had been left. I rang the voice mail and braced myself for
him to say he needed me to come up to the surgery, with a loved one etc. I listened and the message was that the MRI was normal, he repeated the MRI was normal!
Now I toyed with the idea that this may not be definitive and it must have missed something, but after all the preceding months and me and the rest of my life around me in a very fragile state, i decided to let myself believe this results. Now I am by no way at the end of this, and I am starting CBT tomorrow, and day by day I have stopped noticing quite so many of my
"symptoms", urination has slowed down, aches and pains are improving the more sleep I get, and my relationships with those around me are getting better, trust being a big part of it with my OH, who insists (rightly so) that I continue with my Citralopram and my CBT sessions, which I will because I have now been asessed and diagnosed with depression, HA, GAD & PTSD! I have a lot of work to do to get myself on the path to living an anxiety free life, or atleast have the mechanisms to cope and see the signs when the obtrusive thoughts and symptoms do decide to conspire against me again!
So, life can really only be understood backwards and with the benefit of hindsight you can realise why these events occur, but life really must be lived forwards and in the moment, one step at a time. Taking time slow down, to be loving to those around you, and enjoy every moment with them and the time spent on this planet, it is after all limited.
I hope this rambling has been of some help to someone, as I say it's all still very early days, I am not rushing anything, the mind got me into this, and the mind will get me out again :)
Kark
For the past six months I have been headlong into a near catastrophic bout of depression and anxiety centered around my health. I nearly lost not only my mind, but my job and my partner of nearly nineteen years with whom I have an 8 yr old daughter. I am not new to this, having had a scare a year and a half ago which involved me being convinced I had Bowel Cancer.
It took lots of visits to the GP and testing for me to be
free of the obtrusive thoughts (for a while) on with my life. The thing was, was that the part of my brain that was convinced I had this was impossible to convince otherwise, thus creating all the symptoms to perpetuate my belief (weight loss, cortisone induced muscle tension, loose stools, night sweats etc). I tentativley started some CBT after this, but the problem now of course is that the event was gone, I felt good. Why did I need to carry on with these sessions??
Well that reason came and visited me six months ago, and whilst I haven't fully recovered from it yet, I am feeling more hopeful and able to project myself into the future a bit and look forward to things. My sleep which has been near non existent the past 6 months (really, many of these months were spent with 3-4 hours at best asleep) has started to improve, and people around me are noticing a change, I "feel" happier, it can be done. It can't be rushed, but it can be surmounted.
My story as such is that I am 48 yrs old and do a sedintary job, but I am not unfit, sure I don't 'work out' but I am active, walk to work 3 miles a day, eat failry well etc. In October last year I was parking my car and turned to reverse into a spot when I felt my back give out. I am nearly 6' so I do get back problems, had them in the past so thought nothing of it. 3 weeks later, the initial sciatic type pain went away, and I was left with just a dull ache in my lower back. OK I thought, this is taking a bit longer to go away than usual, I will book myself some Osteopathy appointments. I did these through November and December with no real change. Start of the new year I did a couple more sessions but had lost the faith that it may be helping me. So then my mind turns to Googling my symptoms, "How long should lower back pain last", "lower back pain, is it Cancer?" with of course the results being drilled into deeper and more and more ominous results returned. I started wondering what kind of Cancer I might have, and so it started. at the end of December I got chatting to an old friend on messenger I used to work with years ago, we chatted and since we'd last spoken his dad (92) had passed away. I gave my condolences and asked how, he said he'd died of Prostate Cancer and that he'd been complaining of aches and pains for ages, but hadn't said anything and soldiered on, you know, typical bloke mentality stuff. So I finished the conversation and of course went and Googled Prostate Cancer, I had never even heard of it before. I read about all the symptoms, lower back pain being one of them, then urination. I have always had a "nervous bladder" as such and never really thought much of it, until the symptoms mentioned urgency, the need to urinate urgently. I looked back and could remember several times in the past year that I had had that, on the way to walk some mornings, and back from work occasionally I would need to find a convenient place to go, as I didn't feel I could wait, that and
my mind working to remember many other occasions when I needed to go urgently, such as meetings at work and whilst driving.
So now I had built the picture and I was starting to genuienly freak out. I booked a visit to my GP stating I had got Advanced Prostate Cancer and needed testing. I went to the surgery and was given a DRE (finger up the bum to check lumps on Prostate) and a urine analysis and a PSA blood test to test for Prostate Cancer antigens. The DRE was negative, as was the urine analysis and after a week the blood test came back at 0.8 which is low and well within range for a 48 yr old, 2.4 being the highest I think for someone my age and the point at which they may look to get a biopsy or MRI, or be referred to a Urologist.
I was somewhat relieved by these results, and the next few days were good. I got on with stuff normally and didn't really think anything else about it. But then uncertaintly struck me, I started googling "reliability of PSA test" and other search terms. It was now that I discovered that the PSA test is really rather unreliable, and that 15% of men tested can still have Cancer! Now I am the type of person who likes things to be black and white, everyone is like this, surely? I NEED to know that this test is final, no more needs to be done. This doubt then gradually spread like wildfire, that and the fact that you can have a very low PSA and still have Cancer (small cell prostate cancers are very hard to detect) tipped me over completely.
So started 4 months of sometimes twice weekly calls and visits to my GP, with symptom after symptom including having two more full blood tests, I called Macmillan, Prostate UK helpline, among others to explain that I thought I had been misdiagnosed, slipped through the net etc. Then I found a website for people who actually had Advanced Prostate Cancer, and posted my concerns there. Please, anyone reading this NEVER DO THIS! I was given many mixed replies saying that they didn't think I had it for one reason or another, but of course the replies I most identified with were those that matched my symptoms, muscle aches (tension, anxiety) Urination (tension, anxiety) all this added to my complete and utter belief that it was true, and
there was no way I couldn't have it now.
Eventually, at the end of April this year I was so frustrated at not being taken seriously by my GP that I rang the practice manager and stated I was not being taken seriously, and that I wass symptomatic and had fallen through the net! I was rung back in the afternoon and offered an appointment for an MRI on my Prostate, which I accepted, nervously. The MRI was a month later and by this time, my work and relationship were on a very downward slope. Work had been very supportive in many ways, but my partner found it incredibly difficult, and bore most of the bulk of my depression and anxiety, body checking, constant statements that I was dying, sleep loss and constant crying.
The MRI I nervously went through with, and waited for the test results to come back (what I thought was a foregone conclusion of them having found it). The GP rang me on a Friday morning, but I had rung the surgery the afternoon before and found out that the MRI results were in, my GP had assured me he would ring straight away as soon as it was in! I took this to mean that of course, it's the weekend and he'd give me the weekend to start getting to terms with the bad news! So with a terrible nights sleep I awoke at 7 am with a private number calling. I let it ring, I didn't want to answer the call, I was terrified. He rang twice, both times I ignored it, but then I saw a voice message had been left. I rang the voice mail and braced myself for
him to say he needed me to come up to the surgery, with a loved one etc. I listened and the message was that the MRI was normal, he repeated the MRI was normal!
Now I toyed with the idea that this may not be definitive and it must have missed something, but after all the preceding months and me and the rest of my life around me in a very fragile state, i decided to let myself believe this results. Now I am by no way at the end of this, and I am starting CBT tomorrow, and day by day I have stopped noticing quite so many of my
"symptoms", urination has slowed down, aches and pains are improving the more sleep I get, and my relationships with those around me are getting better, trust being a big part of it with my OH, who insists (rightly so) that I continue with my Citralopram and my CBT sessions, which I will because I have now been asessed and diagnosed with depression, HA, GAD & PTSD! I have a lot of work to do to get myself on the path to living an anxiety free life, or atleast have the mechanisms to cope and see the signs when the obtrusive thoughts and symptoms do decide to conspire against me again!
So, life can really only be understood backwards and with the benefit of hindsight you can realise why these events occur, but life really must be lived forwards and in the moment, one step at a time. Taking time slow down, to be loving to those around you, and enjoy every moment with them and the time spent on this planet, it is after all limited.
I hope this rambling has been of some help to someone, as I say it's all still very early days, I am not rushing anything, the mind got me into this, and the mind will get me out again :)
Kark