Anxiousamyj
12-07-18, 21:50
So last week, I had an incredibly powerful experience visiting my 78 year old uncle who was in the last stages of a lymphoma battle. He and I had a very nice chat, just the two of us, and I asked him some questions about being in pain, or if he was scared (both were no). Mostly we just had a nice talk, held hands, and talked about old times when I was a child. It was actually really nice and minimized my HA fear a bit, as I was able to put some things into perspective. He passed away on Tuesday night, but I really felt he was at peace and ready to go. I, however, have been living as though I’m already half dead from a terminal illness, when in fact, I am a vibrant, healthy 40 year old woman with a great husband and two great kids. I think some us tend to fight the CBT and just continue on with what our anxiety is telling us to do (googling, body checking, obsessing on thoughts). Anxiety has given me some very real physical symptoms. They aren’t all in my head. However, I am sitting here today with no physical symptoms at all after a good CBT session in which we discussed how to handle negative thoughts. My therapist suggested I view these thoughts like the ticker at the bottom of the screen on the news: just let it go by, maybe notice it here and there, but not to react. She also suggested I label my thoughts, not by their specific content, but by either judging, worry, or criticizing. She wants me to keep track of how many bothersome thoughts are these negative varieties. I really really don’t want to live like this with the awful HA anymore. I am tired of it. I have been taking klonopin as needed to take the edge off, but would like to stop this as well. I think seeing someone who actually is dying and experiencing that very oddly peaceful and fulfilling conversation has helped me so much. I have “had” at least 7 types of cancer in the last year, but really I have none of them. I repeat the mantra of “I am not sick” to myself several times a day. I’m feeling a lot better. I still have these kind of free floating anxious feelings that aren’t necessarily tied to anything, but I’m hoping these will pass in time when I don’t feed them. I’m writing this down especially to look at when I could have another HA blip down the road. The truth is, if any of us got sick, we would handle it. Worrying doesn’t change what will or will not happen tomorrow or 10 years down the road.