head muddled!(sorry bit long!)

[bluesparkle]

hi...
i probably should have put this on the end of my old thread but i couldnt find it lol... you would like to think that after all this time i would have the hang of this by now...
i have just read it back i am very sorry it is very long and i dont really want anything i just wanted to tell someone how i feel.
i just wanted to write a few things down as my head is all muddled... as some of you will know it is now only 2 days until my ex partner moves out... well what a rollercoaster of a ride... i am exhausted both mentally and physically.
panic/anxiety is back which is not helping at all.
i had to take my youngest (12) to scout camp on sun, she is obviosly upset by all thats going on here, well she was so upset as she wasnt in a group with friends, that normally would be ok but guess she needs her friends right now i decided not to tell her which day he was moving out, she does know he is going though. i am missing her so much i dont pick her up until sat when all this will be over i just hope she forgives me that he is gone.
anyway i have no idea how i feel!!! work has been good to me i have thursday off so i can be around here when it happens, i am sad but i think i am sad that i am going to be alone again and might not be able to cope i DO NOT want to go back to where i was a while ago. not sad that the relationship is over if you know what i mean it may seem an odd set up to have had him here whilst he waited for his flat and at times it has been very hard but in a way it has made me see that things have not been right for ages, and i know i gave it my best shot. since youngest has been gone he has not been very nice at times, and is playing mind games for example last night he text me to say he was going to see some friends of ours which i knew not to be true i had no sleep over weekend due to one thing and anouther i came home from work about 1030pm he text to say he wouldnt be long eventually i rang him at 1230am as i was worried (know i shouldnt have been but hey)he finally came home about 1am saying that he stayed out to prove a point!on thur he wouldnt have tea and was acting odd said he was meeting some friends but i know this not to be true also it was a lady who he has flirted with before we are seperate now so its not a problem what hurts so very much is him lying to me.i know its over but surely i deserve some respect as i have kept a roof over his head as he had no where else to go. there have been lots of other little things too and he just gets cross and angry if i get upset at all.
i am sorry this is so long, please can i have some posative vibes sent for thursday i really want to be strong ...it is going to be a long day and my boys are going to help.i do not want him to see how much i am hurting.
thank you all so much for being there for me.
rach

[Piglet]

Rach my heart goes out to you hun it really does.:hugs:

Now you continue to be you and hold your head up high - I tell you if you can hold onto your dignity at present it will pay you dividends later mate.:yesyes:

He's behaving badly and in due course will feel ashamed of the shabby way he's treating you - sometimes when people feel unsure of themselves, or guilty about the way they are behaving they hide it in aggression. You know like aggression being the best form of defense. Try your best to ignore hime while he's in silly sod mode!!:mad:

Not much longer now blossom and then you can start picking up the peices - I have absolutely no doubt about your ability to cope. Yes I know you will feel pants and cry a river but underneath Rach you are a very capable and sensible person. You will not fall apart - you may feel abit rough some days but you will not fall apart!!!

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Paddington]

I agree with evey thing Piglet has said[ooo i am such a kiss ass:ohmy: :D ]Honestly Rach...you hold on to your dignity hun..yes you will cry and be upset and feel as tho you are treadin water for a while but hun then the SUN COMES OUT AND DRIES UP ALL THE RAIN:D :yesyes: my ex did some daft things too..it is a huge transition for you both and i think generally women cope better than men..specially as there are children in the equation..hun all the good vibes i can muster coming your way for thursday ..and for every day b4 and after thet too..lots of love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Karen]

Aww Rach :hugs:

You've been so strong and are coping so well in the circumstances. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes for Thursday. We'll be here for you hun :hugs:

Karen xx

[bluesparkle]

thank you piglet, paddie and karen
sometimes i feel so selfish writing all about me when so many people are struggling.
thank you for your replies i know i have to be strong and get through this
i am not going to let this person destroy me.
im sure i will need to come and write again over the next few days, i cant believe people can care so much it is really nice, when i feel lonely and lost i come and read back my replies.i hope in time i will meet you all at one of the meet ups.
rach
x

[Piglet]

You come on whenever you want or need to hun! :hugs:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Paddington]

OOOH that would be lovely..to meet up hun:hugs: you talk all you want ,it is such a good way to get rid of the build up of stress:flowers: Love Paddie.xxxxxxx

[Karen]

We are here whenever you need us Rach :hugs:

It would be lovely to meet you in person at a meet up one day.

Karen xx

[bluesparkle]

thank you very much... you are really lovely people...
anyway its thursday !!! so onwards and upwards, lots to get done will try to get back later.
rach
x

[Paddington]

sending you huge hugs:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: and loads of good vibes for today and every day Rach..you can do this girly:D Lots a love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Piglet]

Think of today as the start of a whole new beginning sausage. :hugs: :yesyes:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Karen]

Thinking of you today Rach :hugs:

Karen xx