Live to the point of tears [Archive]

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ownerlonelyheart

16-07-18, 22:15

Hi all,

Just a little introduction and a search for advice.

I am a 30 year old male and I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks since my mid to late teens (perhaps younger but I'm unsure).

I have taken Citalopram 20mg in the past for two years and underwent a short course of CBT provided by the NHS. At the time I didn't believe either of these to be working and decided to wean myself from the Citalopram and had a spell without any medication.

My girlfriend at the time believed my problems were becoming more pronounced and after a particularly heavy night out I had a massive panic attack to the point I nearly phoned myself an ambulance and decided it was time to go back to the doctor. This time I have taken Sertraline 50mg for around a year which has been much more helpful and I am now virtually symptom free as far as physical panic goes.

For the last 6+ years I have worked in various mental health settings and currently work in a medium security psychiatric hospital with a decent position. I also hold a Bachelors degree in Psychology.

I have recently left a 7 year relationship with the aforementioned girlfriend. We lived together for the majority of those 7 years in a couple of different houses and almost never argued. I was unhappy towards the end that we weren't connecting on a sexual level, something I considered to be integral to a relationship, and couldn't understand why. In hindsight (a wonderful thing) I can see that my behaviours and actions were probably pushing my girlfriend away and there is no wonder she felt the way she did. She did extremely well to put up with my illness over the 7 years and has seen me through some rough times.

My head was turned by a girl at work and we started seeing each other. I have now been in a relationship with this girl for around six months. My feelings for this girl are so much more intense and I have found myself basically living my life for her. This girl is eight years my junior.

Anyway, my main problems are paranoid and intrusive thoughts that I cannot seem to shake. I sit around and wait for this girl, jumping at my phone every time it goes off. I do anything for her at the drop of a hat. I am aware this is unhealthy. I do have interests, I like photography and often go walking with my camera and dog. Either way I cannot seem to settle my mind. I have turned my life upside down by leaving the previous relationship and I'm finding it incredibly lonely to be home on my own. I moved wards at work for this girl as we were no longer aloud to work together and I did not particularly like my new ward. I struggle a great deal with change.

We had a fall out at the weekend because we struggle to have a drink together without something coming up, prompting my signing up here. I find social situations difficult and am aware that I probably appear to be mardy and unwilling to interact with new people, especially if I don't have things in common.

I believe all these problems to be a result of my anxiety/ way of thinking. I have always been 'accused' of being a deep thinker. I overthink things massively and play out scenario's in my head that I have no factual basis for. This kind of thinking is impacting this relationship, and my life, and I really care about this girl and don't want to spoil things.

If this stuff is suited to a particular forum then I'm happy to be directed there and to elaborate a bit more and chat to anyone who may have advice or feels the same way. I have friends although I don't see them very often anymore because they drink a lot and take drugs and that is unhelpful for me. I have family and often end up at my mums house when I'm having a hard time, even though she doesn't really understand. My dad is retired now but he has suffered with depression in the past and had a short spell taking Sertraline also but he's fine now.

If nothing else it has helped me to write all this stuff down!

venusbluejeans

16-07-18, 22:22

GiantMogwai

16-07-18, 22:41

Do you regret ending your last relationship?

Sounds like your feelings for the new girl are really strong. Sounds like you need a partner who can handle a certain amount of deep thinking though?

What scenarios are you playing out in your mind? What comes up when you drink?

ownerlonelyheart

17-07-18, 18:35

Hiya ownerlonelyheart and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

Thanks for the welcome! I'm liking what I think is a Handmaids Tale reference in your signature. I'm just reading the book.

---------- Post added at 18:35 ---------- Previous post was at 18:21 ----------

Do you regret ending your last relationship?

Sounds like your feelings for the new girl are really strong. Sounds like you need a partner who can handle a certain amount of deep thinking though?

What scenarios are you playing out in your mind? What comes up when you drink?

Hi Mogwai,

Thanks for the reply!

I don't regret leaving due to feelings for the girl I was with I don't think, as awful as that may sound. I do have reservations though in that things were extremely stable and reliable (of which I'm a big fan!) and now I feel incredibly out of my depth and insecure (although these feelings have been better more recently).

The feelings I have for the new girl are reminiscent of my first proper relationship when I was younger. I was with that girl for two years and I really doted on her much the same way as I am now and I was devastated when she ended it. I believe I have been chasing these feelings ever since and now I think I have found them, except the new girl struggles with affection (something I know I need to work on to understand) and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I think because of my insecurities the thoughts and scenarios are always around what the other person is up to.

When we drink together I guess some of this stuff comes out, as it has a habit of doing. She says I become 'completely unrecognisable' from the person I normally am.

I think my thoughts may relate to a kind of OCD. I am quite regimented in my life and like everything to be just so. I have always been this way even as a child, lining up my toys in size descending order, books in alphabetical order etc. It sounds ridiculous when you write it down!

I think my issues are probably centred around control, I like to be in control of my life and I currently don't feel as though I am. But I guess ultimately all any want for control is related to fear.

GiantMogwai

17-07-18, 23:37

ownerlonelyheart

18-07-18, 23:33

When I was dating I found I had to see someone on average once a week or so, or I'd start to feel quite insecure. I found that I had to develop a rule to protect myself from intense feelings I would feel for someone who didn't really have time for me, or I got burnt quite a bit. You seeing this girl as much as you would like?

---------- Post added at 22:33 ---------- Previous post was at 22:28 ----------

p.s. I'd order stuff by size, chronologically, alphabetically by title, or by author. There is a certain peace in it. Now my main ordering technique is to put books that are similar heights together - means other stuff will rest on top more easily.

---------- Post added at 22:37 ---------- Previous post was at 22:33 ----------

Correct me if I'm wrong, but overall are you saying you feel insecure about a girl you have been seeing for 6 months but who is emotionally unavailable and doesn't have as much time for you as you would like? Are you seeing more of each other now than you did in the beginning? Are you going out and doing stuff together?

---------- Post added at 23:37 ---------- Previous post was at 22:37 ----------

If you are generally not as sociable as she is in groups you're going to have to be able to deal with her spending time with other people. You could always pop by the event for a little bit, show your face, and agree to meet up later. I'm just guessing at this stage. Then some events you don't go?

Thanks again!

I have basically gone straight from the previous relationship to this one. We've been spending more or less every available day together, much of which has been at my house which was shared with my previous girlfriend.

The problem is I only seemed to be happy when I was in the company of the girl and doing things on our own. I appreciate how this has probably been smothering and now things have really come to a head. Maybe things have moved too fast. She certainly isn't as emotional as I am.

I still haven't seen the girl in person since last Saturday although she has been talking and has not said that the relationship is over. I think she is trying hard not to end things as she doesn't really want to but she feels as though my controlling behaviours are pushing her away. I have tried to give her space and tried to assure her that I do want to change but at the moment she is angry and says I have said these things before.

I do know very well that I have lots of things to work on but at the moment I'm really struggling with being in limbo and feeling as though I'm some kind of monster. There must be a reason why I have been behaving the way I have, people don't do things for nothing.

Thanks for the advice on the social situations, those are good ideas.

GiantMogwai

19-07-18, 19:12

Thanks again!

I have basically gone straight from the previous relationship to this one. We've been spending more or less every available day together, much of which has been at my house which was shared with my previous girlfriend.

The problem is I only seemed to be happy when I was in the company of the girl and doing things on our own. I appreciate how this has probably been smothering and now things have really come to a head. Maybe things have moved too fast. She certainly isn't as emotional as I am.

I still haven't seen the girl in person since last Saturday although she has been talking and has not said that the relationship is over. I think she is trying hard not to end things as she doesn't really want to but she feels as though my controlling behaviours are pushing her away. I have tried to give her space and tried to assure her that I do want to change but at the moment she is angry and says I have said these things before.

I do know very well that I have lots of things to work on but at the moment I'm really struggling with being in limbo and feeling as though I'm some kind of monster. There must be a reason why I have been behaving the way I have, people don't do things for nothing.

Thanks for the advice on the social situations, those are good ideas.

Relationship sounds good in general. Don't worry about the lack of completely equal feelings on both sides. We all feel things differently.

Maybe you need to give her more space. I moved in with my other half after about a year. We saw each other a couple of times a week for the first six months. At some point we went on a long weekend break together, and then a holiday for a week, quite a bit after that almost near to the one year point.

She is very different from me and that is a good thing. We have a kid who is great and with my other half he gets more social exposure. This is good for him. Being with somebody different is probably good for you.

As to how you are behaving, wanting to spend every day available with someone on your own together does not make you a monster, but you can see how that won't be well received by someone who is quite sociable. I'm making some assumptions here.

As well as the earlier social occasion idea, maybe when you do spend time together try to spend it out and about. A walk somewhere new and a bite to eat is always a good bet, or ask her if she has some suggestions.

Also, figure out what movies you like but she doesn't like and go and see a movie on your own or with a friend to give her space. My other half isn't really into Sci-Fi and Fantasy or most superhero movies so in my case i watch these at home when she isn't about and in the distant past used to go to the cinema.

You could also try a new hobby as your once a week thing such as Wing Chun Kung Fu or Ultimate Frisbee, or try and find a board game club, or I don't know what you're into, but something like that. If you're not that social with some of these clubs you don't really have to be. I was always the guy who participated in the activity but didn't go for drinks after. I never enjoyed it. Didn't mean I couldn't be mildly sociable with the other chaps whilst I was doing the activity.

Whatever activity you pick don't make it about her in any way. If you pick something you're trying to impress her with you're just centring yourself around her again. Part of giving somebody space is not having everything you do be centred around them. So don't take up cookery with the sole aim of being able to cook good food for her but if you're interested yourself then do it.

---------- Post added at 18:52 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------

is your controlling behaviour just about time spent together and spending it alone at home or is there more to it?

---------- Post added at 19:01 ---------- Previous post was at 18:52 ----------

One other thing is that in a relationship you've got to try not to just derive happiness from doing stuff together on your own.

This may not come out right and just take it for what it is worth but...

1) Derive happiness from being together on your own.

2) Derive happiness from going to do something that she loves and get your happiness from how much she enjoys it regardless of whether it is your favourite thing or not. Avoid things you hate but there are usually things like this you'll be able to manage.

3) Derive happiness from knowing that she is somewhere doing something she wants to do with her friends. With my other half these are basically girls weekends or when she goes to see her best mate or when she goes on a hobby weekend or down to see her parents on her own.

4) Find stuff you enjoy that is not centred around her.

---------- Post added at 19:12 ---------- Previous post was at 19:01 ----------

Also, if you have an ordered perspective and ordered world, learn to value a little bit of chaos, or see the beauty in it that you see in her.

I know from personal experience this is difficult. My other half sometimes feels like a hurricane moving around the house. I joke that whenever she looks for her keys we get piles and piles of stuff that look like unfinished Jenga games almost about to collapse. I find this unbelievably difficult to handle.

I have to prioritise though and let some of this stuff go. it is very hard but i believe in some relationships you have to accept a certain amount of chaos, and really just prioritise the sense of order that is most important to you.

ownerlonelyheart

20-07-18, 20:39

Relationship sounds good in general. Don't worry about the lack of completely equal feelings on both sides. We all feel things differently.

Maybe you need to give her more space. I moved in with my other half after about a year. We saw each other a couple of times a week for the first six months. At some point we went on a long weekend break together, and then a holiday for a week, quite a bit after that almost near to the one year point.

She is very different from me and that is a good thing. We have a kid who is great and with my other half he gets more social exposure. This is good for him. Being with somebody different is probably good for you.

As to how you are behaving, wanting to spend every day available with someone on your own together does not make you a monster, but you can see how that won't be well received by someone who is quite sociable. I'm making some assumptions here.

As well as the earlier social occasion idea, maybe when you do spend time together try to spend it out and about. A walk somewhere new and a bite to eat is always a good bet, or ask her if she has some suggestions.

Also, figure out what movies you like but she doesn't like and go and see a movie on your own or with a friend to give her space. My other half isn't really into Sci-Fi and Fantasy or most superhero movies so in my case i watch these at home when she isn't about and in the distant past used to go to the cinema.

You could also try a new hobby as your once a week thing such as Wing Chun Kung Fu or Ultimate Frisbee, or try and find a board game club, or I don't know what you're into, but something like that. If you're not that social with some of these clubs you don't really have to be. I was always the guy who participated in the activity but didn't go for drinks after. I never enjoyed it. Didn't mean I couldn't be mildly sociable with the other chaps whilst I was doing the activity.

Whatever activity you pick don't make it about her in any way. If you pick something you're trying to impress her with you're just centring yourself around her again. Part of giving somebody space is not having everything you do be centred around them. So don't take up cookery with the sole aim of being able to cook good food for her but if you're interested yourself then do it.

---------- Post added at 18:52 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------

is your controlling behaviour just about time spent together and spending it alone at home or is there more to it?

---------- Post added at 19:01 ---------- Previous post was at 18:52 ----------

One other thing is that in a relationship you've got to try not to just derive happiness from doing stuff together on your own.

This may not come out right and just take it for what it is worth but...

1) Derive happiness from being together on your own.

2) Derive happiness from going to do something that she loves and get your happiness from how much she enjoys it regardless of whether it is your favourite thing or not. Avoid things you hate but there are usually things like this you'll be able to manage.

3) Derive happiness from knowing that she is somewhere doing something she wants to do with her friends. With my other half these are basically girls weekends or when she goes to see her best mate or when she goes on a hobby weekend or down to see her parents on her own.

4) Find stuff you enjoy that is not centred around her.

---------- Post added at 19:12 ---------- Previous post was at 19:01 ----------

Also, if you have an ordered perspective and ordered world, learn to value a little bit of chaos, or see the beauty in it that you see in her.

I know from personal experience this is difficult. My other half sometimes feels like a hurricane moving around the house. I joke that whenever she looks for her keys we get piles and piles of stuff that look like unfinished Jenga games almost about to collapse. I find this unbelievably difficult to handle.

I have to prioritise though and let some of this stuff go. it is very hard but i believe in some relationships you have to accept a certain amount of chaos, and really just prioritise the sense of order that is most important to you.

The advice is appreciated.

I do believe the relationship is good in general. We have done lots of things together that we both enjoy, days out, camping trip, a holiday to Poland and another booked to Barcelona next month. We've been to the cinema and I've watched films she wanted to see. I've done things for this girl that she likes that I would never have done with my ex-girlfriend, so I have changed some of my rigidity.

I think my behaviours are routed somewhere else perhaps, although I'm not sure where, because even if we've been together for a week solid with her stopping at my house every night, the moment she leaves and I'm back on my own I feel extremely lonely and sad. I guess I'm not used to being on my own after living with my ex-girlfriend for a very long time.

This week has definitely been a shock and I've tried to do things I enjoy on my own and see my family and friends and not just for the sake of trying to keep busy. The girl is talking to me pretty much back to normal although we haven't seen each other in person, we are both working tomorrow at the same work place.

I think a lot of these problems are my own, although there has been some conflict between our personalities and not a lot of understanding on her part, that would be around regardless of the relationship. I've got some work to do for sure.

GiantMogwai

20-07-18, 21:25

The advice is appreciated.

I do believe the relationship is good in general. We have done lots of things together that we both enjoy, days out, camping trip, a holiday to Poland and another booked to Barcelona next month. We've been to the cinema and I've watched films she wanted to see. I've done things for this girl that she likes that I would never have done with my ex-girlfriend, so I have changed some of my rigidity.

I think my behaviours are routed somewhere else perhaps, although I'm not sure where, because even if we've been together for a week solid with her stopping at my house every night, the moment she leaves and I'm back on my own I feel extremely lonely and sad. I guess I'm not used to being on my own after living with my ex-girlfriend for a very long time.

This week has definitely been a shock and I've tried to do things I enjoy on my own and see my family and friends and not just for the sake of trying to keep busy. The girl is talking to me pretty much back to normal although we haven't seen each other in person, we are both working tomorrow at the same work place.

I think a lot of these problems are my own, although there has been some conflict between our personalities and not a lot of understanding on her part, that would be around regardless of the relationship. I've got some work to do for sure.

It's ok to miss someone intensely when they are gone. I remember what that felt like. My relationship with my other half is good but we're still not on the same wavelength about a lot of stuff, and some things we still don't get about each other after over 10 years of telling each other. I knew things were going to be ok when we could have a laugh together and when she suggested we celebrate our first argument by going to see a West End play. Try not to over-analyse. ;)