Please help me - going mad

[Greeneyed]

Firstly sorry this is a really long one and my first post - I am just sat here alone in my office and could really do with some support before I fall off the edge!

Am I going mad

I kind of hope so coz at least that won’t kill me!

I am in that kind of paralytic state of anxiety where I can only focus on this worry and achieve absolutely nothing else until I see a doctor and they allay my fears or send me for tests.

I have scared myself silly on the internet again!

A few weeks ago I took a course of antibiotics due to bladder pain, as a result I got fungal infections on my feet groin and scalp (must have killed all my good bacteria with the Abs) and a rash across my face, chest and arms. This happened about three weeks ago and I have been trying to get rid of it myself with creams etc, (didn’t want to bother the Doc AGAIN) anyway my scalp was getting worse and I stated panicking about hairloss and the doctor has prescribed me a weeks worth of antifungal tablets. As I am trying to conceive I cannot take them for two weeks until the start of my cycle as they could harm a fetus.

For the same period of time I have had a headache constantly around my left eye which is not something I have experienced before, I just assumed it was probably anxiety related and didn’t mention it to the doc at my visit.

Anyway a couple of people have said to me that it’s probably my sinuses, which would seem to fit with the symptoms. I started to wonder if there could be any connection between fungal infections and sinusitis as I seem to have a fungal attack over the rest of my body. Any way I stupidly googled this and there is a condition called fungal sinusitis which can occur if your immune system is compromised which it could be with overuse of antibiotics. This can be so serious and lead to death as the fungus gets into the brain. There are two types and with one there is a 50% chance you will die even with treatment and this can happen very quickly within days.

I am now just on the edge of sanity, I have left a message for my doctor, however was advised by the receptionist she is going on holiday tomorrow and has no more telephone consultations left. I asked her to ask her to call me anyway however the receptionist said she doesn’t think she will. ( I am sure when she’s see the message is from me I’ll go to the bottom of the priority list)

I know I sound crazy and cannot turn up at A & E saying I have had a mild headache for three weeks. If I don’t hear from tmy Doc today I will make an appointment with the other Doc next week. Unlike my Doc he is completely unsympathetic and if he cannot immediately see anything wrong with me he will treat me like an idiot and send me away I will then be just as frightened as I am now. – Why am I like this? I am so sick of myself – it is really getting boring – I don’t know how my husband copes – poor guy!

I don’t think people really understand how terrifying it is imagining that you are gonna pop off any second!

This anxiety feels like a life sentence, I know I have been here before (imagined, heart disease, stroke, liver failure, pancreatis, DVT etc etc) and I have always been checked out and been fine – why can’t I learn from this, why is the fear always as terrifying when it happens again. I get in a tail spin and anxiety reaches fever pitch, only when it is over can I see how silly it was – why can’t I apply that when it starts happening again? I try to be logical but the doubting voice is too strong.

Thanks for listening – any advice?

Have spoken with Doc - see update later post....

[spacebunnyx]

google must be band! it is no good for anxiety sufferers :ohmy:

[Joetv]

Hi

I'm sitting in my office feeling pretty bad too. I wonder how many other people are feeling like this around the world right now? Loads I reckon...

From your post, it's clear you've been here before and remember that time when you thought you were going mad - well you didn't...

If you're like me every PA feels like it's the first time and it's different and it's the one that's going to beat you... but it never does.

Sounds like you're having a lousy time so don't be too hard on yourself...

You'll get through it - take care

Joe

[Greeneyed]

Thanks Joe & Jess and sorry to hear you are both suffering as well.

I am in tears now - sometimes this feels like such a cross to bear.....

Take care everyone xx

[spacebunnyx]

i feel a very similar way to you - sick and bored of feeling like this - but find it so hard to stop. like you i have a list of illnesses that i've thought i've had over the years - it started at about age 12 when i thought i had AIDS! i think it was really big in the news back then and i must have subconciously thought i had it when i found a bruise one day - it was only a vein! but i remember being so scared i was going to die. when i look back i feel so stupid for all those times i thought i was ill and i turned out to be ok.. but like you every new HA attack feels like the first time. i've never heard of anyone developing fungus on the brain - my mother is a dr in intensive care medicine and i've never heard her mention anything like it - and she allways tells me the latest on her ward (btw - my boyfriend is convinced this is what triggered my anxiety from and early age). i reckon this illness is really only for people who have illnesses like HIV or who are on immunosuppressent drugs. also, i was speaking to my mother about oral thrush the other day (v. similar) and she says you can get it after taking antibiotics but generally they are broad spectrum anti b's and you have to be on them for a long time (ie longer than the usual course of one week).
i'm not sure what to say - its difficult to know what to say because i know how little i listen to sense when i'm in an episode myself. time will pass and you will feel better - and be back to your normal self.

take care, it WILL pass:hugs:
jess xxx

[Greeneyed]

Jessica,

Your replies have helped enormously thank you so much! I am really glad I have found this forum and people who understand.

I am so pleased that people have taken the time and care to reply to me. hopefully I will be able to be of some comfort to others in the future.

I know you are probably right and no I haven't heard of anyone dropping dead from fungal infections recently either!

If it is fungal related, hopefully the antifungals I will be taking in a couple of weeks will clear it.

Stupidy I have also worried a lot that I have aids, as I had unprotected sex at Uni and in my early twenties (I wonder if this is why I seem to be ill all the time) In the last 10 years however I have only slept with 3 people (last 6 just with my husband!) who as far as I know are all live and well! so this I am sure is unfounded. I daren't give blood as a result coz I know it would be tested and I am worried about starting IVF as I know it will be tested. It really is a nonsense I know!

Thanks again, your support has helped more than you could know.

By the way I have made myself sound pretty gross and a big fungal mess!
Actually I am (on the outside) a fairly savvy, 32 year old girl, with succesful business etc. I guess we all have some sort of cross to bear, just met my friend who's baby neice has just died - kind of puts it all into perspective.

Thanks again

Greeneyed x

Whoops I am actually 33! Lost a year there somewhere - probably spent it worrying! :D

[spacebunnyx]

so many of my friends have some kind of mental "issue" be it anxiety, OCD, depression etc... you wonder when you walk down the street what things must be going on in so many peoples heads! my boyfriend has OCD and i think at the moment my anxiety is making his OCD worse - it sounds quite funny (sorry for those ocd sufferers i know its an awful thing to have)- every time i mention something bad - which is very frequently he has to touch wood 8 times whilst standing on one leg etc. heaven help us if we have kids!

having an hiv test is scary but if you have it done - thats one less thing to have to worry about:) and the chances of you having it are miniscule to nil - especially after so long!

all the best:flowers:

[Greeneyed]

Oh jessica, bless you both, what a pair!

I have OCD but it is much more focussed on the obsessional thoughts than the compulsions thankfully, so I can hide my crazyness most of the time!!!

If only people knew what went on inside this head!

Take care xxx

[Greeneyed]

Okay update for anyone who's interested! Doc has just called me back - bless her for finding the time!

Apparently fungal sinusitus is very rare and she has never seen it before so doesn't think it is that! just said could be sinusitus and if my headache continues to come in.

Tears again!

This has just not helped, just because it is rare does not convince me that I don't have it - I have never had pain in my sinus before till now and it has occured the same time as my fungal flare up. For goodness sake - what is wrong with me - I would have my whole body disected if I could!!

I am so sick of this - will be having a few glasses of wine when I get home - I know this doesn;t help overall but sometimes you just need to do what gets you through - take care lovely people xx

[spacebunnyx]

don't disect what the dr said - she has probably seen 1000's of people during her career so far and then there are the other dr's she knows - she's implying she hasn't heard any of them having a patient with it either. so thats loads of people. its easy being rational to someone else other than yourself. glass of wine sounds good, i'm having dinner with the inlaws tonight - not sure how thats going to go seeing i'm having eating related problems!

:flowers:

[Greeneyed]

Thanks Jessica, I know it's not at all rational but I will probably still worry about it until the headcahe goes.

I hope your evening goes okay xx

[spacebunnyx]

hope you enjoy the vino greeneyed.. just been thinking..a plus side of this is that i've lost weight from the worry - so better for the bikini

[anxious]

Hi Greeneyed and welcome to the site.
Hope you are feeling a little more relaxed this evening :) I had a pain in my left eye that lasted for months, never got to the bottom of it but one day it just disappeared.
I have health anxiety and my OCD is the obsessional thoughts kind so i know exactly how you feel,

love anx x

[Greeneyed]

Thanks Anx,

I have moved on from Fungal to thinking it's cancer this morning - what am I like! :D

I have had a small lump between my eyebrow and bridge of my noise which is the area where the pain is coming from which has been there the last week or so, I assumed just a spot as I keep touching the skin there as that's where it hurts, however it has grown and is like a hard lump under the skin. I am wondering now if this is what is causing the pain and headaches - probably an infection on my sinuses but obviously in my crazy head it is a cancerous cist or fungal ball which will induce brain rot or death!

We are having a big bbq at our house tomorrow with 25 people or so - it's gonna be pretty frantic the next 24 hours or so getting organised for it - perhaps that's where all this is coming from. I sometimes wonder if my symptoms are phycosomatic but then I think, I really do have a head ache and it's getting worse - could I be making this up? I really don't think so as it is sore. Anyhows I am gonna book in with the docs again next week, will just have to get drunk in the meantime :D

[Blackstar]

Hello Greeneyed,

Thank you for replying to my post.

I feel like it could have been me writing your messages in this thread...everything you've said rings true. I have found rare illnesses on Google and have thought, "Well, if anyone's going to get it, I will - I always get weird things". I also wish someone would just dissect me all in one go to find out any and everything that might be wrong with me, because I feel like real life is on hold until all my pesky symptoms are gone and my worries assuaged. Anxiety is horrible - the worst disease anyone on this forum has, I think.

It is harder, I think, when you have had a run of health problems, because you get caught in a positive-feedback loop which is so hard to break.

I know you'll be alright, as we all will be, and you will find so many wonderful and supportive people on here to help you through.

I am not so good at giving advice, but if I was going to give one piece of advice, it would be "say NO to Google"!! :yesyes:

Big hugs to you sweetie, keep your chin up and you'll be right. :hugs:

Anna. x

[manmoor]

Greeneyed :hugs: Ain't it awful what we put ourselves through with this damn health anxiety. I can relate to your left eye pain as I too have had this for a couple of months and diagnosed a brain tumour and a malignant one at that. Never ever google as I've done that so many times and it only sends our thoughts into overdrive and away we go diagnosing. Have a big hug from me hun :hugs: xxx

[Greeneyed]

Thanks Anna,

I am back in blind panic mode and AM convinced it is fungal sinusitus! Back at Docs on Monday 9am.

Hopefully I can control the terror in the meantime - Whilst I have adamantly not tried any medication for my anxiety it has now reached the point where I would try anything just to give myself a break, however I am trying to conceive and therefore they won't perscribe me with anything.

Take care & have a good weekend xx

[Greeneyed]

Hi Guys - after a period of lucidity I have gone down hill again. I still have this lump under the skin above my left eye and my fungal skin rash just will not go and is spreading. I am using the cream exactly as directed and it is supposed to clear it up after about a week - I have been treating for about four weeks now. I am terrified again that I have this sort of systemic fungal infection that kills 50% of people. I cannot go back to the docs as I have been twice in the last week - clearly I don't take it in when they try to reassure me anyway. I don't know why this infection isn't going. I am at my wits end.

I am constantly struggling with something. (usually IBS or bladder pain) most of which I am sure is as a result of anxiety. I am invariably in some sort of discomfort and as much as I try to be happy it zaps my enjoyment of life (I am now close to tears a lot and it is because I have frankly had enough)- why can't I just be well for a while so I could give myself a break!?

Constant physical symptoms just make me worry and I know that probably makes the symptoms worse. I wish I could just be free, I look at my husband enviously as he goes about his carefree happy go lucky, pain free life and I try to not moan ALL the time but it just all seems so unfair! why can't I be like him?

Hope you guys don't mind me purging! xx

[Joss]

Wow,

Greeneyed I thought I was having a bad week!! I have been sitting in my office today convinced that my rumbling tummy is something far worse than IBS (Which I kinow from this site plagues Anxiety sufferers like us). All the time my paniic is assisting my anxiety to take over me.

Listen, try to relax. You've seen a Dr. They are the experts!! Not Google and not the unqualified anxious us who let our brains run riot.

You sound you are exactly like me, panic stricken about health day in day out and it taking over our life.

It's time we got a grip a took our thoughts and bodies back so we can enjoy life!

I know it's hard to convince yourself that your not unwell, but try. Focus all your energy on conceiving!!

Keep Smiling

J

[Greeneyed]

Joss,

Thanks so much for replying - I am feeling a little more sane this morning - it seems to come in waves!

I am going fell walking for a few days tomorrow and despite the weather I am sure that will lift my spirits.

I hope your IBS gets better, mine is bad at the moment but I have managed to reconcile to myself that it is just IBS (that took along time, thought I had cancer, pancreatis, liver failure etc etc with all the pain) Fortunately whilst it annoys the hell out of me I have kind of accepted that now and it doesn't frighten me so much anymore.

I hope you feel better and thanks so much for replying xx