Advice: Boyfriend broke up with me because of anxiety

[Valkyrie72]

tl;dr - Great relationship with boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, until he stopped smoking pot and his anxiety seemed to return. He broke up with me once because I triggered his anxiety and we got back together after a week. That was 4 months ago. Two weeks ago, he got triggered by something else and ended up breaking up with me again. What I want to know is: 1) Why is he acting like this? I want to understand anxiety and how it affects the mind. 2) Will he come back around again? If so, how long might I have to wait? 3) Is there anything I can do to help him if he does come back? 4) Do you have any experience/recommendations about medications and/or pot?

_____________

Hi all – I am so glad I have found this forum. I have already ready a number of posts that have been helpful, and I am hoping to get some additional advice from anxiety sufferers in regards to my now I guess ex boyfriend. In a nutshell, I am 45 and he is 40. We have been dating almost a year and a half. For more than a year, everything was great. Not a single argument, we seemed to be on the same page about most things. He is very physically affectionate and I have discovered I love that – honestly we could sleep in a twin sized bed because we sleep so close together. If we are walking along, he almost always reaches over and takes my hand. If I am sitting on the couch, he will lay down and put his head in my lap. Things like that.

I have also loved taking care of him – making him lunch to take to work, cooking for him in the evenings, making sure to pick up stuff for him when I am the store (like toiletries, snacks, etc) I have a very flexible schedule, and he works full time so it is easy for me to do these things for him.

He told me that he used to have very bad anxiety, and he would have anxiety attacks so bad he would almost lose consciousness. That was in his teens/early 20s. I know there is serious abuse in his past and he hates his mother. I don’t believe she was the abuser, but she did not protect him and when she found out about it she basically didn’t want him to tell anyone.

Anyway, we had talked about living together several times and he always seemed on board with it for when my lease was up, but one night a few months ago we had been out drinking and apparently I got really pushy about living together and the time line I expected it on. I didn’t even remember most of the conversation the next day, but I had freaked him out and I think triggered his anxiety. I asked him if he didn’t want to live with me, and he basically told me that he didn’t want to do that now and he would probably never want to do it. Then, it seemed he got even more worked up and basically decided he needed to break up with me. I was shocked and managed to at least get him to take some time to think about things before just moving to breaking up. After about a week, he came back around and told me that he loved me and didn’t want to break up. I haven’t brought up living together again since then, but I figured as time passed we could both assess how we felt about it. Everything has been fine since then, although I would say he has seemed more agitated in general over the last few months.

So, fast forward to 2 weeks ago – his daughter had her 21st birthday part on a boat and he went, and his mother was there. He has not seen her in 10+ years and apparently they just ignored each other. I asked him if how he felt about it, and he said he didn’t care, but he seemed slightly off. Over the next couple of days he seemed mostly fine, maybe just a bit more quiet than usual.

I had to leave to go out of town for work on that Monday morning, and I didn’t hear from him much over the next few days and he usually texts me several times a day. After a few days I texted that he seemed MIA and asked if he was doing ok. He just said sorry and that he was going to hang out with his guy friends that night and wanted to know if I would be around the next day. I told him I was on my way home then and that yes I would be home the next day. I did not hear back.

Finally, the next night I still hadn’t heard from him and I texted and asked what was going on and had I done something wrong. He texted that he was having really bad anxiety problems and that he had tried to come over, but just couldn’t and that he would try again the next day (Friday). Since I had already been through this with him once, I knew not to push him so I told him to take all the time he needs and just check in as best he can so I will know he is ok.

For the timeline – he saw his mother on a Friday night, the next Thursday night was when he told me he had the anxiety. I ended up having to go away for Friday night, so I texted him and let him know that I would not be home.

On Saturday, I texted and let him know that I was on my way home and would be there until Tuesday if he felt like getting together at all. He basically called me about 45 minutes after I got him and broke up with me. It was like he couldn’t wait to do it. He just said he needed to be alone and he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He did not express any issues about me or the relationship, he just needed to be alone. I tried to ask him to just take time again like last time, but he absolutely refused. He almost sounded like he couldn’t stand me.

The phone call lasted less than 5 minutes. I texted him afterwards and asked if he still loved me. He said he “wasn’t going to do this” and I said, just answer the question. He said he wasn’t in love anymore. So, I wrote back and told him that I loved him very much and that I hoped after he got past this he would come back. I also said that I would always stand by him if he could just let me. I have not contacted him since then and it has now been 9 days. I have seen him in pics on Instagram so I know he is still hanging out with his friends and doing stuff.

To add in another factor, when we first got together he smoked pot every day, but he started a new job a few months ago and had stopped smoking it completely because there was a chance he could be drug tested (and in his field, it would be bad). I realized that he had stopped smoking pot about 1 month before we had the first issue about the living together, so I believe very much that the pot was really helping him manage his anxiety and now that he isn’t doing it, his anxiety has been able to creep back in.

So – sorry for the long story, but I usually find when people post stuff I want more details, so I wanted to be thorough. What I want to know, is 1) Why is he acting like this? I want to understand anxiety and how it affects the mind. 2) Will he come back around again? If so, how long might I have to wait? 3) Is there anything I can do to help him? 4) Do you have any experience/recommendations about medications and/or pot?

I realize that no one can be sure of what will happen, but I definitely want to know if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions. I have suffered from anxiety as well, but have spent a lot of time in counseling and have it pretty well managed, plus mine was never ever as severe as his is. I do love him and would like to find a way to be together if possible, and to be able to help his as much as possible too.

[welsh girl]

Have you considered he could be gay< and not be able to tell you>
also the conflict in his mind could be unbearable for him>
If that is the case you have lot of thinking to do I.m afraid?

[Valkyrie72]

Hi Welshgirl. Thanks for your reply! I definitely do not believe he is gay and I am not even sure where that thought might have come from?

[welsh girl]

I can only comment on my own experience, My friend used to hang out with gay friends , and as i did not want to join in the friendships I questioned her continually asking her if she was gay, she insisted she wasn't, six months later she married one,
I always believe a change in moods there is a reason behind it.
Obviously I don't know your relationship but I believe you wrote at length your worries inviting comments which I gave in friendship and concern

[WiseMonkey]

My advice is to never get into a relationship with a man who hates (or doesn't get along with his mother) as it's a sure sign that underneath he doesn't like or respect women!

I learned the hard way, I married a man whose mother was an alcoholic and they had a love-hate relationship. He had big issues with women and later became verbally abusive. Later, I dated a couple of other men whose mothers were either unavailable or mentally ill. Both these men thought badly of women and showed a lack of respect. These type of men are looking for the 'perfect mother' they never had, so it becomes a child-adult relationship instead of adult-adult one.

Secondly men/partners with addictions are not emotionally available for you, even if they seem to be at the beginning of the relationship. You will end up doing most if not all of the work/effort to make the relationship work. Cut your loses and look for a well adjusted partner, one who will make your life happy :)

[ankietyjoe]

My advice is to never get into a relationship with a man who hates (or doesn't get along with his mother) as it's a sure sign that underneath he doesn't like or respect women!


This is complete nonsense. Literally could not be more wrong.

[WiseMonkey]

This is complete nonsense. Literally could not be more wrong.

It that so ... even psychologists know this to be true. Do some of your own research, ask around (friends, colleagues etc) and you'll find it's right.

That's not to say that men who have recognised and sorted out their mother issues, can't go on to have a successful relationship with a woman.

[ankietyjoe]

Lol what sexist bullshit.

Sometimes men don't get on with women because it is the women who have the problem.

The chip you clearly have on your shoulder does not belong in this thread.

For example, you married a man who's Mother was an alcoholic, but you place the blame entirely on him? If a man married a woman who's Father was an alcoholic, would you blame her men issues on her? No, you wouldn't.

I don't get on with my Mother because she is acidic, confrontational and a control freak. I have excluded her from my life and manage to have a perfectly successful relationship (12 years now) with my soulmate, who I respect 100%.

What you really mean to say is SOME people (men OR women) MIGHT have a problem with members of the opposite sex IF they have learned to relate to the opposite sex in an unhealthy way because of past relationships.

Maybe you're just attracted to idiots because of experiences in your past? :shrug:

---------- Post added at 10:49 ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 ----------

As for the OP.

It seems to me that you're involved with a man who has historical anxiety issues (very common with people who have been abused) and a lengthy weed habit.

To put things very simply, he felt too pressured into both of you living together. That's not to say you were applying too much pressure, just that he felt too much pressure.

The combination of historical abuse, bad anxiety and a weed habit makes it very easy for people to withdraw. When I used to suffer with bad anxiety, I just wanted to be left alone. It was a very powerful feeling.

Honestly, the best thing you can do right now is to respect his wishes and leave him alone. There is no way of knowing if or when he may come around. It's a coin toss. I know it's hard, but the more you push, the more he'll back off.

I know this because my partner was abused as a child. Often, intimacy (of any kind) will make her want to flee. So I let her, because I respect women. Even though I really, really don't like my Mother.

Oh, and this has NOTHING to do with him being gay either.

[Valkyrie72]

Thanks for the thoughts!

I definitely do not feel like he has issues being respectful of women. He has always been very respectful towards me, and I have never heard him say any sort of generalized negative things towards women. He has a daughter that he loves very much, and I just can't imagine him being disrespectful towards women. His hatred for his mom is very specific to her.

Anyway, ankietyjoe - thank you for your thoughts! I agree that I cannot push him. I have not contacted him at all since the day of the break up. I definitely understand that the ball is 100% in his court at this moment. I do have a ton of stuff at his place, so I will eventually have to reach out to go get my stuff, but I am still planning on giving it several weeks before I would even think about doing that.

It is so difficult once love is involved. In many ways I just want to cut my losses and be done with him, but I do love him so that makes me never want to give up on him. I guess time will tell all, and if too much time passes before I hear from him (if I do) I may have already insulated my heart enough not to want to do this again. One thing I feel sure of, is that if he doesn't get serious help with counseling and/or medication, this will just happen again and again.

[welsh girl]

I am surprised with your post anxiety Joe, maybe you are young but not experienced in life, Do you have knowledge of people who turn gay in later life who also have children?
I think a bit of compassion is needed here.

[ankietyjoe]

I am surprised with your post anxiety Joe, maybe you are young but not experienced in life, Do you have knowledge of people who turn gay in later life who also have children?
I think a bit of compassion is needed here.

I'm 46 and have two gay friends with kids. One of them I've known for 25 years.

Just because gay men can have prior heterosexual experiences, it does not mean that every man who backs off from a heterosexual relationship is automatically gay.

And why is compassion needed simply because I completely disagree with what you say?

[Valkyrie72]

I am surprised with your post anxiety Joe, maybe you are young but not experienced in life, Do you have knowledge of people who turn gay in later life who also have children?
I think a bit of compassion is needed here.

He isn't gay. That is not the issue. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, but this is really derailing things at this point.

[WiseMonkey]

Lol what sexist bullshit.

Sometimes men don't get on with women because it is the women who have the problem.

The chip you clearly have on your shoulder does not belong in this thread.

For example, you married a man who's Mother was an alcoholic, but you place the blame entirely on him? If a man married a woman who's Father was an alcoholic, would you blame her men issues on her? No, you wouldn't.

I don't get on with my Mother because she is acidic, confrontational and a control freak. I have excluded her from my life and manage to have a perfectly successful relationship (12 years now) with my soulmate, who I respect 100%.

What you really mean to say is SOME people (men OR women) MIGHT have a problem with members of the opposite sex IF they have learned to relate to the opposite sex in an unhealthy way because of past relationships.

Maybe you're just attracted to idiots because of experiences in your past? :shrug:[COLOR="blue"].

Wow! you seem very angry and use personal attacks, when you know very little about the OP. It gets you attention but that's about all :lac:

[Scass]

Well this thread has gone a bit awry!

When I first read the thread I didn’t comment because I could only assume that he’s trying to break up with you but doesn’t know how to do it kindly or maturely. He’s possibly using his anxiety as an excuse to do this.
Perhaps I’m wrong. But if he’s going out with his friends but not you, then this signals something to me.

Do you own the property together or rent it?


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---------- Post added at 06:32 ---------- Previous post was at 06:30 ----------


Well this thread has gone a bit awry!

When I first read the thread I didn’t comment because I could only assume that he’s trying to break up with you but doesn’t know how to do it kindly or maturely. He’s possibly using his anxiety as an excuse to do this.
Perhaps I’m wrong. But if he’s going out with his friends but not you, then this signals something to me.




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[MyNameIsTerry]

Well this thread has gone a bit awry!

When I first read the thread I didn’t comment because I could only assume that he’s trying to break up with you but doesn’t know how to do it kindly or maturely. He’s possibly using his anxiety as an excuse to do this.
Perhaps I’m wrong. But if he’s going out with his friends but not you, then this signals something to me.

Do you own the property together or rent it?


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---------- Post added at 06:32 ---------- Previous post was at 06:30 ----------








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It's possible but anxiety can be such a strange beast that one party is associated with fear whereas another isn't.

I think he needs to be completely honest about it all. I'm not so sure he has been considering how he has been using weed. Like the OP thought, maybe he is having some setbacks due to his anxiety no longer being masked and he feels overwhelmed?

It's unfair on his partner but anxiety can be be so awful to experience that you push your loved ones away. At my worst just my brother coming around pushing my already sky high constant anxiety up further. If it wasn't for him coming to see my parents I may not have seen him for some time. It was nothing to do with him personally, I was the same with anyone coming around.

The OP sounds amazing for willing to fight for this. There does need to be a point where it has to end as it's unfair. I wonder if he can be totally honest about why he can be with friends but not his partner? If think this could help greatly as if gives some understanding of this not being about falling out of love and then they can plan how to address it.

I don't think he was pressurised over living together as he was ok with it. But then came the weed withdrawal and suddenly it is too much pressure. That makes we think it's more about not coping and feeling unable to think about big changes.

[ankietyjoe]

Wow! you seem very angry and use personal attacks, when you know very little about the OP. It gets you attention but that's about all :lac:

Can you define one part of my post that is a personal attack, or for that matter anger fuelled?

But sure, once again make me correcting your post (which is spectacularly wrong) be about ME needing attention. :winks:

[welsh girl]

Valkyrie, If my opinion has stirred up uncalled for personal attacks I can only say I'm sorry, my concern was for you , as an older person I have a wealth of knowledge and experience of people, especially how some people keep secrets to themselves to save hurting friends.
However I don't like the way someone is reacting, so am bowing out, but hoping that all turns out well for you and you have a happy life

[ankietyjoe]

Valkyrie, If my opinion has stirred up uncalled for personal attacks I can only say I'm sorry, my concern was for you , as an older person I have a wealth of knowledge and experience of people, especially how some people keep secrets to themselves to save hurting friends.
However I don't like the way someone is reacting, so am bowing out, but hoping that all turns out well for you and you have a happy life

You're implying that your age and your own experiences negate other people's because they are either younger than you or don't agree?

The idea that a man who doesn't want sex/relationship/to move in with a woman is automatically gay is completely ridiculous. Yes, it happens......but to say that is the definitive reason is completely, unequivocally ridiculous. As has been mentioned, it serves nothing other than to derail a thread that has specific information that advice SHOULD be given on.

[pulisa]

You're implying that your age and your own experiences negate other people's because they are either younger than you or don't agree?

The idea that a man who doesn't want sex/relationship/to move in with a woman is automatically gay is completely ridiculous. Yes, it happens......but to say that is the definitive reason is completely, unequivocally ridiculous. As has been mentioned, it serves nothing other than to derail a thread that has specific information that advice SHOULD be given on.

Do you have problems with people disagreeing with your views, Joe? Looks like that to me. A bit of respect needed here I think and an apology to WiseMonkey?

[Scass]

It's possible but anxiety can be such a strange beast that one party is associated with fear whereas another isn't.



I think he needs to be completely honest about it all. I'm not so sure he has been considering how he has been using weed. Like the OP thought, maybe he is having some setbacks due to his anxiety no longer being masked and he feels overwhelmed?



It's unfair on his partner but anxiety can be be so awful to experience that you push your loved ones away. At my worst just my brother coming around pushing my already sky high constant anxiety up further. If it wasn't for him coming to see my parents I may not have seen him for some time. It was nothing to do with him personally, I was the same with anyone coming around.



The OP sounds amazing for willing to fight for this. There does need to be a point where it has to end as it's unfair. I wonder if he can be totally honest about why he can be with friends but not his partner? If think this could help greatly as if gives some understanding of this not being about falling out of love and then they can plan how to address it.



I don't think he was pressurised over living together as he was ok with it. But then came the weed withdrawal and suddenly it is too much pressure. That makes we think it's more about not coping and feeling unable to think about big changes.



You’re quite right.
Sometimes I forget that some of my anxieties are so ingrained that they have almost become my personality. It’s hard to make an effort to see certain people or do certain things.

And yes, the OP is brilliant for trying to find a way to help.

I don’t really know how you can help him though OP. You’re already being so gentle with him.


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[welsh girl]

Don't ridiculous AnxietyJoe, learn not to be so insulting,
I won't say what my career was for thirty years, but I was in a position to study life from
many aspects. and I won't insult you with my opiniin.

[ankietyjoe]

Do you have problems with people disagreeing with your views, Joe? Looks like that to me. A bit of respect needed here I think and an apology to WiseMonkey?

A person posts about a boyfriend and goes into detail about him having a history of abuse, no parental support, anxiety and drug abuse. She's asking for advice about those things. He backs off from an intimate relationship.

Another two people come into the thread and suggest that he simply hates/doesn't respect women or alternatively that he's gay.

If it were a woman who had been abused and backed off from a relationship and a couple of guys came into the thread suggesting she just hates men and/or was a lesbian, those guys would be rightly called out.

Please don't preach to me about respect.

Neither of these responses addressed what the OP was actually asking about.

[Fishmanpa]

Thoughts: Been there, done that.

Mental illness is difficult for both the sufferer and for their partner. My ex suffered from severe depression that manifested itself into hoarding. After my divorce, I was in a serious relationship with a woman who I knew had some mental issues but eventually I found out she was bi-polar (among other things) and had papers to prove it!

You can be supportive but only to a point. It's up to the individual to get help. In the case of my ex, we did go to therapy. After a couple of sessions, the therapist wanted to see us separately. She went for a couple of sessions and quit. I knew it was over.

My advice, pick up the pieces and move on. It's painful and it's sad but that's all you can really do. If he comes around and wants to get back with you, be firm in your stance about treatment, otherwise the same patterns will just keep repeating.

Good luck and as always...

Positive thoughts


PS: Other posters.. Take your debate private.

[pulisa]

A person posts about a boyfriend and goes into detail about him having a history of abuse, no parental support, anxiety and drug abuse. She's asking for advice about those things. He backs off from an intimate relationship.

Another two people come into the thread and suggest that he simply hates/doesn't respect women or alternatively that he's gay.

If it were a woman who had been abused and backed off from a relationship and a couple of guys came into the thread suggesting she just hates men and/or was a lesbian, those guys would be rightly called out.

Please don't preach to me about respect.

Neither of these responses addressed what the OP was actually asking about.

There are ways of disagreeing with an opinion other than dismissing it as "sexist bullshit". That's what I meant about respect.

Apologies to the OP for derailing the thread.

[Valkyrie72]

Thank you Scass, MyNameIsTerry and Fishmanpa for your comments.

I believe the reason he can continue hanging out with his friends but not me is because their relationships are all very surface level - they never really have any deep discussions, also there is usually a group of them at any one time. He is a very quiet man, and with them he can hang out and usually just listen.
With me, it is much more one on one and more intimate, thus making it more stressful for him.

I think the pot use was actually helping him cope, and when he stopped using it his anxiety resurfaced and then got triggered.

As I mentioned before, the 1st time was by me, but the 2nd time I really believe was from seeing his mother and then once triggered he felt he needed to get rid of me and possibly anything else in his life that he felt obligated to.

When it happened the first time, I asked him if he had been thinking about breaking up with me before that day and he said no, so I do think it just suddenly came on as a compulsion once the anxiety took hold.

I definitely agree that he will need treatment or this will keep happening, if he comes back, or if not with me with others in his future. I just hope he gets it so he can have a happy life. I can't imagine what it must be like for him. It really makes me sad, not just for me, but for him as well!

[WiseMonkey]

There are ways of disagreeing with an opinion other than dismissing it as "sexist bullshit". That's what I meant about respect.


Exactly pulisa and the attitude reinforces what I wrote in my original post. Anyone should be able to voice their opinions so long as they're polite and don't escalate things with verbal abuse and personal attacks (ie using personal information a poster writes to get back at them because they are upset, angry or disagree).

Valkyrie, I hope you can get some closure on your issue, it's a complex situation.

[KK77]

Exactly pulisa and the attitude reinforces what I wrote in my original post. Anyone should be able to voice their opinions so long as they're polite and don't escalate things with verbal abuse and personal attacks (ie using personal information a poster writes to get back at them because they are upset, angry or disagree).



I'm afraid this is true. Nothing wrong with opinions - it's the hostile attitude and anger :lac:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry but that's not evidence of this and let's remember the OP has voiced an opinion her partner doesn't either.

I've had my arguments with Joe too, as have other male members. I don't want to be involved in this (:doh: now eh?) but the argument this backs up an earlier statement is flawed when the same has occurred before, for whatever reasons. That's not too say I'm agreeing with any behaviour or complaining about any earlier issue (water under the bridge and the issue in this thread is between two people) but feel uncomfortable with the insinuation being made which is in isolation.

[KK77]

I feel you have misunderstood Terry. Leslie is suggesting that Joe's reaction of mainly hostility and anger is actually reinforcing her initial (contentious) assertion. Whether this assertion was applicable to OP's partner is not now the subject of debate here as it has been shot down by the OP as not true, which is fair enough. It was Joe who initially took offence at Leslie's statement and has since, in my opinion too, partly reinforced it with his at times highly insulting behaviour towards Leslie.

[MyNameIsTerry]

That being rude and not getting on with your mother indicates general hostility to women? That's how it's coming across to me so if that's not the case it would be useful to know.

I don't agree with Lesley's point either unless she meant to say some men. Some men may take offence to that and it's possible we are seeing this here just as it's possible we are not but we should be careful making judgements as so little information exists in this thread.

[WiseMonkey]

That being rude and not getting on with your mother indicates general hostility to women? That's how it's coming across to me so if that's not the case it would be useful to know.

I don't agree with Lesley's point either unless she meant to say some men. Some men may take offence to that and it's possible we are seeing this here just as it's possible we are not but we should be careful making judgements as so little information exists in this thread.

Terry, of course it's not all men (who don't get get along with their mothers) as I've previously stated, but it's been my experience and when I mentioned it to the counselor they agreed that it's most often the case. The very nice men (friends) I know, plus my lovely partner have great relationships with their mothers and have good relationships with women (and others in general).

I presented my opinion (early in this thread) in a polite way, speaking from my experience and not personally alluding to anyone else, other than those within my personal history.

[Valkyrie72]

Guys. I am really stressed and miserable and tired and sad and honestly broken hearted right now. It is really disappointing to come on here and see new replies and then find out absolutely zero of them have to do with what I posted.

Can you please start a new thread to debate on?

[welsh girl]

So sorry Valkirie that you feel so let down, I am sure nobody wants to do that,
Your post was so long and involved that it brought out so many other problems and issues
and unfortunately a few nasty remarks, however I hope you get some help from people who really can put your mind at rest good luck

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thank you Scass, MyNameIsTerry and Fishmanpa for your comments.

I believe the reason he can continue hanging out with his friends but not me is because their relationships are all very surface level - they never really have any deep discussions, also there is usually a group of them at any one time. He is a very quiet man, and with them he can hang out and usually just listen.
With me, it is much more one on one and more intimate, thus making it more stressful for him.

I think the pot use was actually helping him cope, and when he stopped using it his anxiety resurfaced and then got triggered.

As I mentioned before, the 1st time was by me, but the 2nd time I really believe was from seeing his mother and then once triggered he felt he needed to get rid of me and possibly anything else in his life that he felt obligated to.

When it happened the first time, I asked him if he had been thinking about breaking up with me before that day and he said no, so I do think it just suddenly came on as a compulsion once the anxiety took hold.

I definitely agree that he will need treatment or this will keep happening, if he comes back, or if not with me with others in his future. I just hope he gets it so he can have a happy life. I can't imagine what it must be like for him. It really makes me sad, not just for me, but for him as well!

Well unless he has been having doubts for a while without saying the sudden change would point to an event. Given the use of weed I suspect it's withdrawing the plaster that got him through and now he feels overwhelmed so pushes things away or avoids his triggers.

I can understand about how shallow relationships are less of an issue. When I first went off work I found could still see my GF but when the full breakdown hit I couldn't. We work together in a challenging environment and I couldn't hear the normal frustrations without feeling it start triggering me inside.

It's going to mean some exposure to his triggers but you can plan in gradual exposure to see how he copes. Take living together off the menu, for now, and see if he can adjust to just being around you. Start small so he can habituate. If he sees he can do it his confidence will grow.

Lesley - Thanks for the clarification of the missing "some", which I never doubted.

[Valkyrie72]

Thanks My Name Is Terry. At this point, I still have not heard from him and I think I should wait until he contacts me. I am not sure what his state is right now and I don't want to do anything to push him further away. I am hoping he comes back to me and we can work on things, but at this point, I just don't know if he will.

[ankietyjoe]

At this point, I still have not heard from him and I think I should wait until he contacts me.

I think that's the best course of action.

[Valkyrie72]

Thanks AnkietyJoe. At this point I still haven't heard from him, but I do have a ton of stuff at his house, including some expensive jewelry and my passport in his safe, so if I don't hear from him in the next few weeks I guess I am going to contact him to get my stuff.

At that point, I think I will have just given up. It has now been 21 days so I will at least give it a full month.

[ankietyjoe]

I think once you contact him and ask for your stuff back, it puts the ball firmly in his court. It sends a message to him that you are moving on. If after that he still doesn't make contact, you have some closure.

I'm not sure I would wait to get your belongings back. The sooner the better perhaps. It seems like something he's not capable of dealing with right now, which concurs with the anxiety he mentioned.

[Valkyrie72]

Why do you think the sooner the better? I was thinking it was better to give him space and time before he has to deal with me at all. I feel like the ball is firmly in his court now because we left it off with me telling him that I loved him and I hoped he would come back to me after he got past this bad patch.

I really hate not knowing what to do! Or feeling like there is nothing I can do!!

[ankietyjoe]

Why do you think the sooner the better? I was thinking it was better to give him space and time before he has to deal with me at all. I feel like the ball is firmly in his court now because we left it off with me telling him that I loved him and I hoped he would come back to me after he got past this bad patch.

I really hate not knowing what to do! Or feeling like there is nothing I can do!!

I think you kind of answered your own question there.

I think the sooner you get your stuff back, the sooner you can move on. As long as your belongings are there, you will be nurturing hope of a reunion. I'm not saying it's a 100% certainty that it won't, but I think it's healthier for you to try and move on sooner. Limbo is never a nice place to be. If anything, you getting your things sends a message that you're ready to move on. As somebody who's suffered severe anxiety in the past, I can say with some objectivity that people who suffer with anxiety need both space, and sometimes a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll spur him into the realisation that he doesn't want you to leave? Who knows?

Either way, I think it's better for you to move on with your life.

[Valkyrie72]

Thanks again for your comments Ankiety Joe. I decided a while back that I would give it 1 full month before contacting him, so I am going to stick to that. If I haven't heard from him by the 15th that is when I will reach out to get my stuff back.

I thought about moving the timeline up, but I think if I do that, and it goes poorly I will wish I had waited for my original timeline. I can suffer through one more week, and then if it still goes poorly I will feel like I at least did all I could and stuck to my plan.

[Valkyrie72]

So I contacted him on Wednesday to get my stuff -

I told him I thought it was time to come get my stuff and asked if he would be around on the weekend for me to come by.

He responded after about 20 minutes and said he might be going out of town (to most likely visit family based on where he said he might go), but he would let me know if he didn't go. He said he was on the fence at the moment.

I said ok.

I have not heard anything from him at all, but I don't really think he went out of town. Not sure what to do next.

[WiseMonkey]

If you look at what he told you, there is your answer ... he wants to maintain the status quo and doesn't plan to change his mind any time in the near future.

Fence sitting is what people do (or say) when they don't want to give a definite answer one way or the other, or else are too scared to give you a rejection or hurt your feelings.

So you can't let him dictate the pace, you have to move on with your own life like you have been doing.
Regarding your gear, you need to get it out ASAP, take a friend along with you to collect it.

[Scass]

Well that’s just plain rude! You only want to get your things. I would message him again to chase up. Sorry you’ve been through this, I wish you a happier future.


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[ankietyjoe]

If you look at what he told you, there is your answer ... he wants to maintain the status quo and doesn't plan to change his mind any time in the near future.

Fence sitting is what people do (or say) when they don't want to give a definite answer one way or the other, or else are too scared to give you a rejection or hurt your feelings.

So you can't let him dictate the pace, you have to move on with your own life like you have been doing.
Regarding your gear, you need to get it out ASAP, take a friend along with you to collect it.

I agree with this 100%

[Valkyrie72]

Thanks for the replies! The "fence sitting" was only about whether or not he was going to travel out of town. That part doesn't surprise me at all because he was always like that about weekend plans. He would never decide until the day of pretty much.

The only move I made was to get my stuff. I did not mention anything else, so I don't think the "fence sitting" was referring to our relationship or lack thereof.

Regardless, I am trying to move on with my life. I am going to contact him later today and tell him I am available tomorrow afternoon, Thursday and Saturday and ask him which day works for him to come get my stuff. I will get pushy about that if he doesn't commit to a day because I do want my stuff back ASAP at this point.

[ankietyjoe]

Good luck, I hope he makes it as easy as possible for you.