The same pain always

[elik]

I'm lost beyond words. How can I be open to my current friendships and new ones when I want to keep a part of me so private which is very hard to keep private. It means I'm engaging in a lot of avoidant behaviour and a very monotonous life of survival. I'm desperate not to upset anyone ever, but I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't see why my illness has to be aired to everyone just so people get my behaviours. I am so frustrated because I don't want this to be common knowledge at all. But it means I'm constantly selling myself short trying to sugar coat everything. It's also EXHAUSTING. I don't enjoy people at all, I just want to retreat in my shell short after being in company. I'm far too aware of what I'm saying, how I'm acting, etc. There must be a solution to this?

[KK77]

I totally empathise with you. There is such a fine line between protecting your own inner world from too much intrusion/violation and total isolation. Finding friends who understand and empathise yet don't overstep the mark isn't easy, but, personally speaking, I would prefer periods of total isolation to having to "explain" myself to "friends" who have no intention of trying to understand my situation.

[elik]

I completely agree. I have no concept of how to be myself everyone else. I question all of my actions and how this could impact me further. I care so deeply about people but I'm paranoid that this care takes up too much of my life and I battle with knowing how much help is enough etc especially when helping those I myself don't feel close to. I feel I'm at fault for falsely advertising closeness when that's not what I want. I just want to help and leave. Or that they'll think I'm a lot closer and I'll get sucked in to a friendship I'm not particularly comfortable with. I feel powerless in my own life and guilt riddles me. I just want my few best friends and no one else but I can't go through life with this baracade up all the time, it's so painful and exhausting. But I'd rather not get to know anyone then let them down of what their expectations are of what friendship we could have.

[ankietyjoe]

The solution is to be honest with your friends about what you're going through.

[welsh girl]

You might be surprised at the reaction you get from your nearest friend/ s
I get so much love from mine,