happyone
12-08-07, 09:02
Blonde in a Boat.
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
Graduate
A young engineer, fresh out of the University, was in an interview with a well known, high end, company. The interview was going rather well, and was now reaching the end.
"I have one last question to ask you," says the human resources manager; "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The young engineer sat back and thought for a minute, and, finally said:
"Well, I'm thinking in the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The manager stared at him for a minute and said:
"Well, I'm not sure we can offer that... what would you say to a package of 5 weeks PAID vacation, 14 PAID holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and we'll even throw in a company car, leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer's eyes grew wide, and he sat up straight, trying to hold his composure, and said: "Wow!!!! I can't believe this! Are you kidding?"
The manager replied, "Yeah, but you started it!"
TOMATOES
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes
red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden, hoping for the best
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Joe's Headaches
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches....
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit"
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" The tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 35 inch sleeves and 16-1/2 inch neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see. Size Large."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size medium since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size medium. A size medium would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £20
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Enough for now.....I'll be back!!!
Happyone
xx
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
Graduate
A young engineer, fresh out of the University, was in an interview with a well known, high end, company. The interview was going rather well, and was now reaching the end.
"I have one last question to ask you," says the human resources manager; "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The young engineer sat back and thought for a minute, and, finally said:
"Well, I'm thinking in the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The manager stared at him for a minute and said:
"Well, I'm not sure we can offer that... what would you say to a package of 5 weeks PAID vacation, 14 PAID holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and we'll even throw in a company car, leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer's eyes grew wide, and he sat up straight, trying to hold his composure, and said: "Wow!!!! I can't believe this! Are you kidding?"
The manager replied, "Yeah, but you started it!"
TOMATOES
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes
red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden, hoping for the best
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Joe's Headaches
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches....
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit"
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" The tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 35 inch sleeves and 16-1/2 inch neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see. Size Large."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size medium since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size medium. A size medium would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £20
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Enough for now.....I'll be back!!!
Happyone
xx