elik
27-07-18, 05:32
So it's been over a year since I had to dramatically pull away from my best friend after months of painful interaction without her knowing. Dreading calls, requests to see me, conversation, anything! All of it sent me into a frenzy of gut wrenching anxiety and tension. I lost myself and how to be, mostly with the person I should be my self most around. It threw me off and panicked me, sleepless nights and so much agonising self hatred and confusion at why it all felt so punishing for no apparent reason. I still don't fully get why this happened. I wanted to let her escape me because I was wasting her time in my inauthenticity. Now we are back to seeing each other relatively regularly but I can never ever shake this looming fear of this scenario replaying itself. I still have a massive guard up, mainly because I don't want to get really close again and her rely on me incase I let her down. So it still doesn't feel natural: I'm still trying to time manage our relationship in fear of becoming someone she depends on too much. It's still constructed and unnatural but I feel I have to to protect her from me/the side of me I feel powerless over. I can talk to her about this subject as a whole but there's talking about it and then there's my general being the rest of the time which still hasn't learnt to be myself. I guard negative emotion and cannot remember the last time I picked up the phone to her or anyone to rant or cry etc. Even if I wanted to which I don't, I couldn't, I have an auto pilot that makes it impossible for me to be truly authentic and to brush past everything to not inconvenience anyone. I just desperately don't want her to feel that comfortable with me which is of course upsetting as it is. I just don't trust the power of my mind and how it could affect someone else's life. Does anyone relate to this at all? I know it's a strange one, I'm just exhausted, frustrated and very frightened. Thank you.