thehopefulheart
28-07-18, 17:58
I'm a 28 year old female from the East Coast of the USA.
I was always an anxious person, I started school at 4 because I could read and write. Emotionally and socially I was probably not ready to leave home for full day Kindergarten but both of my parents needed to work. I guess I developed coping mechanisms as I got older, one being- to my embarrassment- crying. There's a catharsis to just letting go and sobbing, and often any confrontation would leave me a snotty mess. I grew to hate this about myself, along with many other things that I believe are rooted in anxiety. As a teenager, I was environmentally depressed, a secret relationship as a young teen was abusive and manipulative and negatively reinforced so many things that probably should have been treated professionally. I didn't want help, I admonished it and rejected it, all the while, I hurt myself physically, and the toxic relationship continued to damage me mentally. That was 10 years ago, and over the last 7 years I've been lucky to have found a best friend, and partner who has elevated me out of many of these dark shadows. At times I've relied on him far more than I should, but he is kind and intelligent and always willing to help me. I fear this new relapse into panic and hard to manage anxiety will truly test the strengths of our bonds.
I feel so sick and out of control.
A week ago, I took exercise stimulants that I had used before and was familiar with. But the chemistry was out of my hands, and I ended up on the bathroom floor, hands closed up, arms tight and tingling, on the phone with my mom asking her if I could be having a stroke because I thought that I was dying. An ambulance took me to the hospital, and will a follow up appointment, my PCP prescribed me clonazepam and citalopram and this is my new journey. I've hardly had a day since where I am not on the verge of a panic attack, and sit listless and ruminated about how broken I feel. How far I feel that I've fallen from just a few weeks ago.
I was always an anxious person, I started school at 4 because I could read and write. Emotionally and socially I was probably not ready to leave home for full day Kindergarten but both of my parents needed to work. I guess I developed coping mechanisms as I got older, one being- to my embarrassment- crying. There's a catharsis to just letting go and sobbing, and often any confrontation would leave me a snotty mess. I grew to hate this about myself, along with many other things that I believe are rooted in anxiety. As a teenager, I was environmentally depressed, a secret relationship as a young teen was abusive and manipulative and negatively reinforced so many things that probably should have been treated professionally. I didn't want help, I admonished it and rejected it, all the while, I hurt myself physically, and the toxic relationship continued to damage me mentally. That was 10 years ago, and over the last 7 years I've been lucky to have found a best friend, and partner who has elevated me out of many of these dark shadows. At times I've relied on him far more than I should, but he is kind and intelligent and always willing to help me. I fear this new relapse into panic and hard to manage anxiety will truly test the strengths of our bonds.
I feel so sick and out of control.
A week ago, I took exercise stimulants that I had used before and was familiar with. But the chemistry was out of my hands, and I ended up on the bathroom floor, hands closed up, arms tight and tingling, on the phone with my mom asking her if I could be having a stroke because I thought that I was dying. An ambulance took me to the hospital, and will a follow up appointment, my PCP prescribed me clonazepam and citalopram and this is my new journey. I've hardly had a day since where I am not on the verge of a panic attack, and sit listless and ruminated about how broken I feel. How far I feel that I've fallen from just a few weeks ago.