DM
12-08-07, 21:21
Hey guys, I'm new to this site, but infortunatley I've been equainted with Panic and Anxiety for longer than I'd like.
I'm hoping with your help I can nip this in the bud, and help some of you on the way....I mean, let's be honest, talking helps!!
You've probably heard and felt all this before, so appologies for the bore-fest, but again, talking can make a difference...ya know..?
I'm 22. I have a great life. My family and Girlfriend are everything to me. I love my job. I have good friends, I enjoy the world around me and I'm always looking for the next rush!
So why one day would the sky and it's heavy clouds fall down on me like a million arrows dipped in pure fear and introduce me to the most hanus bodily functions and mental hysteria I have only ever seen in Freddie Crooger Films...?
I can think of only one thing....maybe more that attributed to it, but certainly one incident that in my mind pulled the trigger of a gun filled with what we have all been accustomed to for way too long now - PANIC.
My mother was my best friend.
I'm alot like her.
She would do anything for her family...or so I thought.
She has always had problems with her weight and has been self-obsessed with appearance since her parents put her on a diet at a very early age. She is...was beautiful, a hippy looking bird, with an attitude of 'ahh f**k it!!', she really used to be cool man! Shame.
When I was 15 I noticed that things weren't right with her. Her weight hit rock bottom and she was always not really with it...to cut a long story short she - out of nowhere - became an alcoholic.
years and years of begging her to stop the drink, stop the physical and mental abuse, just stop, stop, "STOP!!!!!!"
No words made any difference. She turned her back on me. My Mum, my mate, my hero turned her back on me.
I hit a low. I was still in school about to start college. My brother and sister looked to their older brother (me) for help, I looked to my Dad...there was nothing we could do.
We plodded along getting every help possible and at the age of 18 I started to go out. I drank, and I got heavy into drugs. It got worse when the one person who really made an attempt to help us all - My Auntie Carole - died tragically in front of us (brain tumour) I'll never forget that day.
3 years later and Mum was out in her own flat living off the council. She didnt eat so all her money went on booze.
At this point I was 21. A little over-weight. I drank, but didnt do many narcotics, I grew out of it, got bored. I did however turn to phet to try and lose weight. After a week of having it and eating nothing, I was laying bed watching Sharpe and I experienced my first attack. It tore me to pieces. It affected my work and I'm lucky to work with some very reasonable people or I would be out on my arse!!
I have a phobia of dying through drowning, strangulation, cardio vascular failure. I don't know how I've done it but I've only ever hyper-ventalated 3 times. But had many attacks. The feeling, the intense pressure in your head telling you "This is it Danny Boy, your family are gonna be crushed by your death, what will they do?"...
Of course this will never happen, and I've found knowledge to be the best weapon against these traumatic times. I have never and will never use medication to help sustain a normal mind-frame - I'm big enough and smart enough to conquor this without it.
To be quite frank, these past 3 months have been really good. I've gone days without the sudden urge to sit up, to drink water, to gently touch parts of my head that feel hot and pressured, to rub my right shoulder and neck, to check my pulse, to wonder why my normally average sized penis has shrunk to a degree that even I would laugh at, to get on the NHS website and diagnose myself wih a brain tumour, cancer or heart conditions...basically, I was feeling good.
I'm writing this now (and please accept my humblest appologies for the long first post) as I'm not feeling too good. My alcohol consumption has gone through the roof. I buy and enjoy a bottle of Shiraz every night, sometimes two!
I've been a kaner and can/have/do party with the best of em. Now though I'm experiencing something different. My heart sometimes feels bruised inside and on the outside at the touch it feels bruised too. Not all the time though, maybe for a few mins at most. I've kinda accepted that this is just anxiety as my friend has experienced it also.
What is worrying me now is the Depersonalization that has suddenly crepped up on me. I say worry cause my friend killed himself for the same reason 6 months ago. He was just a lad i sorta knew through school, so nothing major, but the way he died and the causes behind it do frighten me.
I want to know if you people feel pain in your heart and chest like I described and can you describe how you feel when experiencing Depersonalization...?
...And finally, do you think that my Mother and her actions have been the trigger?
Knowledge is the Bomb, don't forget that. If we have knowledge we then understand, with understanding comes appreciation, with appreciation comes acceptance and with acceptance comes the ability to defeat the demon.
This is a great site.
Hope you all had an awesome weekend.
DM
I'm hoping with your help I can nip this in the bud, and help some of you on the way....I mean, let's be honest, talking helps!!
You've probably heard and felt all this before, so appologies for the bore-fest, but again, talking can make a difference...ya know..?
I'm 22. I have a great life. My family and Girlfriend are everything to me. I love my job. I have good friends, I enjoy the world around me and I'm always looking for the next rush!
So why one day would the sky and it's heavy clouds fall down on me like a million arrows dipped in pure fear and introduce me to the most hanus bodily functions and mental hysteria I have only ever seen in Freddie Crooger Films...?
I can think of only one thing....maybe more that attributed to it, but certainly one incident that in my mind pulled the trigger of a gun filled with what we have all been accustomed to for way too long now - PANIC.
My mother was my best friend.
I'm alot like her.
She would do anything for her family...or so I thought.
She has always had problems with her weight and has been self-obsessed with appearance since her parents put her on a diet at a very early age. She is...was beautiful, a hippy looking bird, with an attitude of 'ahh f**k it!!', she really used to be cool man! Shame.
When I was 15 I noticed that things weren't right with her. Her weight hit rock bottom and she was always not really with it...to cut a long story short she - out of nowhere - became an alcoholic.
years and years of begging her to stop the drink, stop the physical and mental abuse, just stop, stop, "STOP!!!!!!"
No words made any difference. She turned her back on me. My Mum, my mate, my hero turned her back on me.
I hit a low. I was still in school about to start college. My brother and sister looked to their older brother (me) for help, I looked to my Dad...there was nothing we could do.
We plodded along getting every help possible and at the age of 18 I started to go out. I drank, and I got heavy into drugs. It got worse when the one person who really made an attempt to help us all - My Auntie Carole - died tragically in front of us (brain tumour) I'll never forget that day.
3 years later and Mum was out in her own flat living off the council. She didnt eat so all her money went on booze.
At this point I was 21. A little over-weight. I drank, but didnt do many narcotics, I grew out of it, got bored. I did however turn to phet to try and lose weight. After a week of having it and eating nothing, I was laying bed watching Sharpe and I experienced my first attack. It tore me to pieces. It affected my work and I'm lucky to work with some very reasonable people or I would be out on my arse!!
I have a phobia of dying through drowning, strangulation, cardio vascular failure. I don't know how I've done it but I've only ever hyper-ventalated 3 times. But had many attacks. The feeling, the intense pressure in your head telling you "This is it Danny Boy, your family are gonna be crushed by your death, what will they do?"...
Of course this will never happen, and I've found knowledge to be the best weapon against these traumatic times. I have never and will never use medication to help sustain a normal mind-frame - I'm big enough and smart enough to conquor this without it.
To be quite frank, these past 3 months have been really good. I've gone days without the sudden urge to sit up, to drink water, to gently touch parts of my head that feel hot and pressured, to rub my right shoulder and neck, to check my pulse, to wonder why my normally average sized penis has shrunk to a degree that even I would laugh at, to get on the NHS website and diagnose myself wih a brain tumour, cancer or heart conditions...basically, I was feeling good.
I'm writing this now (and please accept my humblest appologies for the long first post) as I'm not feeling too good. My alcohol consumption has gone through the roof. I buy and enjoy a bottle of Shiraz every night, sometimes two!
I've been a kaner and can/have/do party with the best of em. Now though I'm experiencing something different. My heart sometimes feels bruised inside and on the outside at the touch it feels bruised too. Not all the time though, maybe for a few mins at most. I've kinda accepted that this is just anxiety as my friend has experienced it also.
What is worrying me now is the Depersonalization that has suddenly crepped up on me. I say worry cause my friend killed himself for the same reason 6 months ago. He was just a lad i sorta knew through school, so nothing major, but the way he died and the causes behind it do frighten me.
I want to know if you people feel pain in your heart and chest like I described and can you describe how you feel when experiencing Depersonalization...?
...And finally, do you think that my Mother and her actions have been the trigger?
Knowledge is the Bomb, don't forget that. If we have knowledge we then understand, with understanding comes appreciation, with appreciation comes acceptance and with acceptance comes the ability to defeat the demon.
This is a great site.
Hope you all had an awesome weekend.
DM