View Full Version : Panic and suicidal
I started another post about my problem with sleeping, about how for some stupid reason my brain is telling me that I can't be unconscious, and that is preventing me from sleeping. Well, I feel as if I've reached a point where it has now become fixated on my brain, and therefore it will never go away.
I am honestly feeling suicidal now, and this just started about 5 or 6 days ago. This has taken over me that quickly, and it's caused me to become very depressed...simply because of the fact that I am now fully aware of when I am trying to fall asleep, and my mind won't let me sleep. This is terrifying me, and one thing I can say is that (with no sarcasm), maybe I won't die because my brain will fight to stay awake. My heart is racing as I'm typing this, I'm sweating, I feel completely hopeless, and this is NEVER going away. I just don't know how much longer I'll be able to handle this, but I'm sure it won't be for a long time. :weep:
It just pains me that it's something as simple as sleeping that will cause me to do it.
You are simply going through a crisis because your anxiety has latched on to this thought obsessively and it's an outlet for your panic. You don't really want to lose your life over obsessive thoughts, do you? Surely there's more to life than this one mental health issue that you're perfectly capable of coping with, seeing as you've been coping with anxiety for a while and you're still here?
I've had anxiety for over half my life. Sure, it's tough and it gets unbearable at times, but you are not your anxiety. You're a person with a family, friends, interests, hobbies, job maybe... What a waste it would be to let all that be overshadowed by nothing more than an emotional sensations. Talk to someone, ring a suicide hotline, and tell yourself that nothing is worth ending your life over. Nothing and nobody. x
I mean of course I don’t want to lose my life, but I was in a state of manic last night, I felt like a maniac I was sweating profusely, my heart was gonna beat out of my chest, etc. When I’ve had these thoughts before, they’ve gone away after a few days. This thought is now always in the back of my head, and it’s getting worse. I just don’t know where it came from, and why it’s sticking around.
I feel like I’m deteriorating day by day, and I didn’t fall asleep until 3:30 this morning and got up at 8:45...I’m physically exhausted. Like my body was falling asleep, but my brain was not. I just hate this whole thing.
You're neither deteriorating nor maniacal - you're just very anxious. Your anxiety latches on to a symptom and it expresses itself through it. Believe me, once this is over, it will latch on to something else! Symptoms morph and change over time. It's like the mind gets tired of torturing you with one thing, loses its interest, and moves on to the next thing.
I'd suggest seeing your GP because talking about what's happening to you makes it a lot better. Your intrusive thoughts are just thoughts and they're your own thoughts, nobody else's. Therefore, you're in control and can deal with them, even if it doesn't seem so at the moment. :)
Ana is quite right: your anxious mind will soon tire of this particular symptom and it will be a case of wash, rinse, repeat.
You are obstructing your own recovery by resisting seeing a healthcare professional you can speak to about this. Your GP would be a good start.
There is help out there but you have to make that decision to reach out for help in the real world.
I completely understand, but as I said before literally every single healthcare professional that I could see has a waitlist of about 1 month...my GP, almost every therapist, etc. This waitlist problem has been ongoing, and I don't know if it's literally a coincidence or what, but even people in my family who want to see our GP can't get an appointment for over a month - and it never use to be like this.
But, yesterday I decided to take a CBD oil pill to see if that would help. While it did calm my nerves a bit, and I was able to fall asleep much sooner than the night before, I still got up 5 hours after falling asleep. Another thing I noticed, is that my brain is almost not focusing on my everyday life and I can compare it to a time awhile back when I had a somewhat similar problem.
I don't know if anyone on here is willing to look far back, but I had a song stuck in my head for literally almost 2 years, nonstop. Well, when that was going on, my brain was literally focusing on that song, I wasn't really living because my mind was busy with that, so my days were just running together almost. This is almost the same situation, only now instead of my brain focusing on a song, my brain is focusing on staying conscious and alert. The difference though is that with the song I could at least try methods like listening to another song to get the one stuck in my head to leave. But, what am I supposed to do for something like this?
It almost feels like an internal struggle that will never go away. Like my brain will always tell me that I have to stay awake and it's wearing on me. :(
It sounds like your brain likes to obsessively focus on things. The only thing you can do is direct it towards something productive. Do you have a hobby? If so, I'd channel that nervous energy into something positive and creative.
I wouldn't know what to say regarding the GP situation as I'm in Croatia and GPs here are very available, so much so that you don't even have to make an appointment - you just show up at their office and are seen to once you've waited for your turn.
Could you go into your local hospital and ask about any specialists they might have available for a consultation or at least a little chat? I think it would put your mind at ease if you could talk about this to a medical professional.
Hang in there. :)
Well last night, I decided to go out and see if I could enjoy myself. It kind of took my mind off of it, but it was still in the back of my head. I ended up falling asleep around 11:30 I think, and stayed asleep until 7:35 this morning. I woke up and felt completely refreshed after sleeping 8 hours. But, as soon as I woke up, my brain was doing the same thing it’s been doing lately. So, it’s back in my mind “stay alert, focus on your consciousness.” It was really nice to get that sleep though...but I don’t know when or if this constant thought will ever go away this time.
The thought will go away eventually, don't worry. The main thing is that you had fun, put the worrying thoughts behind for a while and slept just fine. :) Keep doing those things and you'll see how anxious, obsessive thoughts will just start fading away.
Well it still is a problem for me of course. Although not last night, but the night before, I got a full 9 hours of sleep and it was awesome! 🙂
But alas, the thought has not left my mind, and as I said, I don’t think it ever will this time. For some reason, I just have this weird thought about knowing when I’m starting to fall asleep, and I just can’t fathom being unconscious and not realize it until my brain tricks me into falling asleep and before it’s apparent, I wake up and it’s morning.
I don’t understand why this is happening and what I can do in the meantime...I am still waiting on my therapy appointment.
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