My first post, the ugly truth behind my health anxiety

[Meows]

I grew up with depression and anxiety. The two things still drain me daily and I spend a lot of time in bed. Im in a better place now and I work full time. I have a partner and plan to have a family of my own one day. I'm sick of having mental health problems so now my brain always try's to blame it on something physical.

Last month I noticed a little lump in my neck. It's tiny, the size of a pea, nothing to worry about but I went to my GP anyway who has referred me for an ultrasound so I know for sure. Now I've found a lump in my breast which isn't visible. My anxiety immediately connected the two. If I have breast cancer it will be stage 4 and could have spread to my brain and lungs and it feels like it has, except I don't have breast cancer at all. I know I have two unrelated benign lumps but I like to fantasise that I'm dying of breast cancer. Why? Well this is my ugly truth. I want it. Inside I'm still a little depressed girl who will never cope with motherhood. I bat away any suicidal thoughts as I'd never do that to my loving partner. I've come so far in life but it's so exhausting. I'd like to be told I have six months to live and just live the best bits. I'd like to feel the love and support from my friends and family for fighting a health battle that isn't a mental one that no one understands. I want to cry on my friends snd family's shoulders about how unfair this life is. How after beating depression my life will be cut short. I want to die young and it not be suicide.

This is my ugly truth. I think I'll always be looking for something.

[AntsyVee]

I'm sorry that you are so down and in so much pain. I know it hardly seems fair that some people in life have to endure so much mental anguish while others do not.


It was also very brave of you to make this post. Very few people are willing to admit exactly how low they are feeling.


All of that said, what you are experiencing is actually suicidal idealization. You want an escape from the pain, but you know it would be hard for you to take your own life, so you dream of ways that you could die otherwise to end the pain.



How do I know this? Because I experienced it myself when I was younger. When I was a teen, I wanted to end my life, but I also knew that I would probably not be able to take my own life. So I engaged in reckless behaviors such as car racing, jumping off bridges, drugs, etc. I was hoping that by doing this my life would end and I wouldn't have to do it myself.


I ended up being involved in a major accident where I almost lost my life and one of my friends almost lost theirs. It changed my thinking, and I realized that I wanted to live. I hope it doesn't take a horrible thing to happen to you to make you realize that somewhere in yourself, you want to live as well.


You don't want to die. I know that somewhere in there, you want to see your children grow up someday. It's just that you want an end to the pain. You are tired of hurting.


So how do you stop hurting? You've got to get some professional help. That's what I did, and I wouldn't be here without it. Therapy and medication and some lifestyle changes make a world of difference. Trust me, your pain can end without the loss of your life.