Meows
05-08-18, 12:13
I grew up with depression and anxiety. The two things still drain me daily and I spend a lot of time in bed. Im in a better place now and I work full time. I have a partner and plan to have a family of my own one day. I'm sick of having mental health problems so now my brain always try's to blame it on something physical.
Last month I noticed a little lump in my neck. It's tiny, the size of a pea, nothing to worry about but I went to my GP anyway who has referred me for an ultrasound so I know for sure. Now I've found a lump in my breast which isn't visible. My anxiety immediately connected the two. If I have breast cancer it will be stage 4 and could have spread to my brain and lungs and it feels like it has, except I don't have breast cancer at all. I know I have two unrelated benign lumps but I like to fantasise that I'm dying of breast cancer. Why? Well this is my ugly truth. I want it. Inside I'm still a little depressed girl who will never cope with motherhood. I bat away any suicidal thoughts as I'd never do that to my loving partner. I've come so far in life but it's so exhausting. I'd like to be told I have six months to live and just live the best bits. I'd like to feel the love and support from my friends and family for fighting a health battle that isn't a mental one that no one understands. I want to cry on my friends snd family's shoulders about how unfair this life is. How after beating depression my life will be cut short. I want to die young and it not be suicide.
This is my ugly truth. I think I'll always be looking for something.
Last month I noticed a little lump in my neck. It's tiny, the size of a pea, nothing to worry about but I went to my GP anyway who has referred me for an ultrasound so I know for sure. Now I've found a lump in my breast which isn't visible. My anxiety immediately connected the two. If I have breast cancer it will be stage 4 and could have spread to my brain and lungs and it feels like it has, except I don't have breast cancer at all. I know I have two unrelated benign lumps but I like to fantasise that I'm dying of breast cancer. Why? Well this is my ugly truth. I want it. Inside I'm still a little depressed girl who will never cope with motherhood. I bat away any suicidal thoughts as I'd never do that to my loving partner. I've come so far in life but it's so exhausting. I'd like to be told I have six months to live and just live the best bits. I'd like to feel the love and support from my friends and family for fighting a health battle that isn't a mental one that no one understands. I want to cry on my friends snd family's shoulders about how unfair this life is. How after beating depression my life will be cut short. I want to die young and it not be suicide.
This is my ugly truth. I think I'll always be looking for something.