Introduction and a lot of fear

[mare serenitatis]

I’m a new mom who has a chronically ill, but stable husband. My baby was born perfectly healthy.

My husband was taken to the hospital suddenly in April, and from then on my anxiety has started to spiral out of control! I’m currently beginning therapy to help, and I feel that I have a very understanding, and forthcoming therapist.

I’ve had some medical issues the last two months of mysterious origin. That’s when my anxiety went NUTS. The first of which is an enlarged spleen, and constant enlarged tonsils and now strep. Initially they thought it was mono, but the test came back negative. I’ve got inflammation in my esophagus, which gives me some reflux symptoms. And logically, I’ve been through every scan in the book. CT, MRI, X RAYS, etc. my heart is fine. My oxygen saturation is at 98-100, constantly. My husband has an o2 monitor that I check constantly. I’m growing dependent on it and it never changes. Even when I had an upper respiring infection I was still 98-100. Logically, I know 92-100 is FINE. But I’ve been actually sick for a few months. I went from insomnia, enlarged spleen, heightened anxiety, swollen lymph nodes to an upper respiratory infection and now strep ontop of it all. I’m overwhelmed and scared. Logically, I’m a new mom and my pregnancy was difficult. It took a lot out of me and I’ve heard new moms are prone towards viruses or infections, so I could just be terribly unlucky and caught virus after virus!

I have no blood clots, nothing that would cause pain in my sternum and shortness of breath, or pain in my back. However, my kind husband has suggested that anxiety is exacerbating my heart burn feeling and that it’s an anxiety/indigestion issue. I do feel better after pepto, and worse after eating. I never had this issue before, and am not overweight or unhealthy.

My throat is still sore after 6 days on antibiotics, and I’m petrified it’s cancer or something nefarious. My tongue has been a little tingle-y the last couple days, and it feels almost swollen, even though rationally it can’t be. I’m not allergic to any foods, but I can’t shake the fear I’ll die of anaphylactic shock and have been avoiding foods.

Because of my spleen I’ve been referred to an oncologist to check for cancers, and am awaiting my appointment on Friday, biting my nails. I’m constantly terrified I’m going to die early and leave my baby alone. I’ll miss all her milestones and the things I want to do. I’ll lose my happy marriage, etc. it’s ruining my life.

I’ve been a pincushion, undergoing every weird test that has been suggested. I keep having panic attacks- shortness of breath, heaviness in the chest, back pain, I feel like I’m dying and I’m so scared. Physically, when I feel better or less symptoms, I am less anxious. But when I’m anxious I know I’m making it worse.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like if I DO have cancer or something that I can say “SEE?! I’m not CRAZY!” It’s affected my whole life.

[ErinKC]

I could have written this (save the enlarged spleen). My health anxiety kicked in after my daughter was born for these exact reasons. I'll tell you that all of my symptoms were anxiety related and disappeared once I got that under control. I had a ton of digestion stuff/heartburn and so much back and other pain in my body. I read somewhere that pregnancy and childbirth inflict the same amount of trauma on a woman's body as getting in a serious car accident. It's no joke and I feel that no one takes seriously what a huge undertaking it is both physically and mentally. Just the sleep deprivation has a massively negative effect on physical and mental health.

Having a baby was a major, major mind f*&$ for me. I even went through the fear of anaphylaxis to the point that I went and got allergy testing because one day I got one hive... probably not even food related. And then I *still* avoided many foods for months to come.

I would have horrible images of terrible things happening to me while I was home alone with my daughter - anaphylaxis, heart attack, pulmonary embolism, getting hit by a car crossing the street. It was just awful. Awful.

Are you breastfeeding? That takes basically everything out of you and could be why you're more prone to illness. But, even if you're not, your hormones are likely still totally out of whack.

My anxiety with my daughter was immediate, calmed down, and then got severe again around 8 months postpartum. I finally started therapy just after her first birthday.

Now it comes on like once or twice a year. I was just in a state of panic worrying I had ovarian cancer. Being a mother is a lot.

My therapist saved me, so I'm glad you're starting therapy! I basically just cried and cried the first few sessions, but after that she helped me really come down and get back to normal. Be kind to yourself because being a mom is extremely, extremely hard. And you have the stress of your husband being ill and a real issue with your spleen.

Chances are you're going to be totally fine. Keep up with the therapy, try to get as much rest as you possibly can, ask people for help, find some mom friends who understand you, etc...

Good luck, mama!

[mare serenitatis]

I could have written this (save the enlarged spleen). My health anxiety kicked in after my daughter was born for these exact reasons. I'll tell you that all of my symptoms were anxiety related and disappeared once I got that under control. I had a ton of digestion stuff/heartburn and so much back and other pain in my body. I read somewhere that pregnancy and childbirth inflict the same amount of trauma on a woman's body as getting in a serious car accident. It's no joke and I feel that no one takes seriously what a huge undertaking it is both physically and mentally. Just the sleep deprivation has a massively negative effect on physical and mental health.

Having a baby was a major, major mind f*&$ for me. I even went through the fear of anaphylaxis to the point that I went and got allergy testing because one day I got one hive... probably not even food related. And then I *still* avoided many foods for months to come.

I would have horrible images of terrible things happening to me while I was home alone with my daughter - anaphylaxis, heart attack, pulmonary embolism, getting hit by a car crossing the street. It was just awful. Awful.

Are you breastfeeding? That takes basically everything out of you and could be why you're more prone to illness. But, even if you're not, your hormones are likely still totally out of whack.

My anxiety with my daughter was immediate, calmed down, and then got severe again around 8 months postpartum. I finally started therapy just after her first birthday.

Now it comes on like once or twice a year. I was just in a state of panic worrying I had ovarian cancer. Being a mother is a lot.

My therapist saved me, so I'm glad you're starting therapy! I basically just cried and cried the first few sessions, but after that she helped me really come down and get back to normal. Be kind to yourself because being a mom is extremely, extremely hard. And you have the stress of your husband being ill and a real issue with your spleen.

Chances are you're going to be totally fine. Keep up with the therapy, try to get as much rest as you possibly can, ask people for help, find some mom friends who understand you, etc...

Good luck, mama!

This is such a kind and positive message, I REALLY appreciate it! I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better!

I worked as a teacher, and in the AM as a fitness instructor. I felt so cocky. I felt like pregnancy was going to be hard, but doable. Pregnancy chewed me up and spit me out. I honestly have never felt as weak and vulnerable as I did when I was pregnant. And then after I gave birth, I felt like all of that weakness and vulnerability just exists outside my body in the form of my baby. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. The “4th trimester” is such a real thing. You’re nowhere near your past self and now you’re running on little to no sleep, taking care of a tiny person whose every need has to be met by you.

I love my daughter more than anything in the universe, and I am lucky enough to have such a wonderful support system. But I am beat. And I am so tired of being scared. I’m not breast feeding! I tried everything and managed 1-2 ounces per day for 3 months. I feel so guilty. I tried medication, fenugreek, I changed my entire diet to only have lactation inducing foods, I drank so much water. I have no issue with formula, and am happily feeding a chunky baby on the bottle, but I LOVED the feeling of closeness with my tiny baby at my breast. It was really devastating to not be able to. I tried pumping, i spent weeks crying over not being able to feed my child.

Do you have any advice or tips?

[ErinKC]

I feel we have so much in common. Before getting pregnant I had spent 10 months getting into the best shape of my life. I lost 30 pounds, started running races - including a tough mudder - and was eating a totally clean/whole food diet. I was SO cocky about how easy pregnancy and motherhood would be. My daughter was due in June and I actually told people how excited I was for "summer vacation" from work while I was on leave! My plan was to get a nanny and keep working at my job at the Department of State in DC (I commuted from Baltimore so I was gone 12 hours a day). I was like, oh, I can work out at lunchtime at work and get right back in shape!

Man, I was a CHUMP! My daughter was born and it was like I just completely fell to pieces and had no idea how to put them back together in a way that even remotely resembled my former self. I actually quit my job 2 weeks before I was scheduled to go back to work because I couldn't handle leaving her! And I was the breadwinner at the time! I literally said to my husband, you have to get a better paying job immediately because I can't go back to work. He DID, amazingly, but we are still soooo financially unstable because of the one much smaller income.

So, then I had no job either... like, who the hell am I?? I was really well respected, productive, etc... at my job, and now I was this crazy lady who woke up and went to bed crying.

One mistake I made for sure was being a control freak. I didn't let my husband do anything. I wouldn't give my daughter a bottle, I insisted on breastfeeding every feeding so I burned myself out SO much. I think now it was all part of my anxiety that I'd not be a good enough mom or give her the best, etc... It was such a bad decision because, in reality, I was depriving her of the best mom I could by depleting myself.

So, one bit of advice is to take every ounce of help you can get from wherever it's offered. Give yourself a break whenever you can. There are a lot of ways it's just not feasible to get enough rest with a newborn. Newborns are the WORST (even though we love them so intensely they make us crazy!). But, if you can give up some feedings or get out of the house alone for a walk or a coffee - do it!

I wanted to throat punch everyone who told me to nap when the baby naps, though, because napping 100 times a day is just straight up depressing. So, I won't say that, unless you're a nap person! If you don't nap when the baby naps, think of some nurturing things you can do. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and read a book, catch up on your favorite show, do some yoga, get a coloring book (my therapist told me that coloring has been found to be as therapeutic as an actual therapy session). One think I think helped pull me out of my deepest place was when I felt like I was finally being proactive in helping myself, and that included just tiny things like that.

Another thing is to just keep remembering how hard this is. I think as a society we really minimize this. No one tells pregnant ladies what motherhood is really like. I've started to because I think it's better to be pleasantly surprised by it being less hard than you expected than suddenly shocked at how difficult it is to cope with something you've been led to believe is all rainbows and butterflies for everyone else (#thanksmarkzuckerberg). Keep reminding yourself that it's actually horrible for everyone and you're totally normal. Be honest with other mom friends, because chances are you have several who have been through similarly difficult times postpartum. I know once I started talking about my experience, MANY people I know whose lives looked perfect on social media reached out to me about how they'd gone through the same.

And, even though you feel so hopeless, you will make it through. After the first few months, it does start to get a bit easier. My daughter is 4 now, so I made it!

The identity crisis of motherhood is probably the hardest part to overcome. I still struggle with that now. You become so fused with your baby that it's incredibly easy to get swallowed whole. But you're not gone - you're just you 2.0 now. It's ok to mourn the loss of your former life, but then try to look ahead and find ways to pull in things from your past and merge them with the new you. This will get easier as your daughter gets older and you can interact with her more. Being able to teach my daughter things and share my interests with her is so fulfilling. And, there's so much feedback now unlike when they're babies and they're just sucking out your entire life force.

This is getting really long, haha. I could go on for days about the struggles of motherhood!

---------- Post added at 00:24 ---------- Previous post was at 00:00 ----------

Also, I'll add that I just googled to see if pregnancy can cause an enlarged spleen and found a study from 2012 making a connection to pregnancy and spleen enlargement. It said they studied a bunch of women who recently gave birth and got CTs to check for other stuff and noticed incidentally that a strangely large number of them had enlarged spleens for no good reason, making them think it's possible it could just be a physiological change caused by pregnancy. Normally enlarged spleens don't cause any symptoms, so it would be rare to find them if you weren't looking for something else, so maybe it's just one of the many wonderful aspects of childbirth!

[mare serenitatis]

Ahhhh oh my god, are you me?

When I was pregnant I was insistent that I would go back to work, and that she was going to sleep in her crib, and I was going to breastfeed her and pump, exclusively. Boy. Was I off. Lol. Not only did I also quit my jobs, because I couldn’t BEAR to be away from her, I absolutely kept trying to pump fruitlessly for months even though I knew it just wasn’t working. I couldn’t bear to have her out of my sight, she slept in the bed with me for months. Even now that she’s in her crib and sleeping well I’m still not over her being away from me!

I am not the mother I thought I would be, and I’m only 6 months in! You have a really wonderful and supportive husband! It sounds like he understood your desire to stay home with baby. I’m all for the working mother, but I couldn’t do it either. I needed to be with her.

I’m 100% not a napping person, and part of it is my anxiety! What if I die in my sleep?! Lol Then she’s all alone until my husband comes home! It IS DEPRESSING to sleep intermittently thorough the day. It also does nothing for me. I need to sleep at night, uninterrupted.

I really appreciate all the advice. I’m going to get me a coloring book! I love art, that’ll be fun.

That’s really interesting about the spleen, thank you! Mine is causing me active pain, which is how we found it in the first place! But maybe it’s just another post partum wonder. The amount of changes that happen to your body is insane. It’s been a complete bender for me, I totally underestimated how physically tired you are.

I really want to thank you for how open and kind you’ve been, I really appreciate it. It’s been an incredibly difficult few months, and your messages reminded me I’m having a very human experience. I’m the first of my group of friends to be married and have a child. The people I speak to don’t really have a frame of reference for what I’m going through. Its been isolating. My husband has adapted like a trooper. Father of the year material. He does diapers, he’ll feed her, baby ADORES him.

And I feel like I’m over here tired and crying in my sweats thinking “why isn’t this as easy as it looks/is supposed to be/ why aren’t I better prepared?!

Motherhood is HARD. I totally feel like I’m a zombie bottle making machine. I didnt have many interests outside of working out, and being unable to do that AND being someone’s whole world really makes you reconsider your individuality and personhood. Who am I? What will I do outside this role? HOW can I exist outside this baby? It feels unnatural to even consider that.

[ErinKC]

I'm so glad to be able to help in any way. Anxiety is hard enough on its own, but trying to deal with it while taking care of a baby is unbearable. You've made it to 6 months! You're getting over one of the bigger humps for sure.

It also must be hard to be the first one in your group to have a baby! I didn't have my daughter until I was 31, so I had a bunch of friends with kids and I was also amazingly lucky that my best childhood friend just happened to be pregnant at the same time as me, so we wrote back and forth to each other all day long in those first, most difficult months. She also suffered from bad postpartum anxiety and ended up seeing a therapist and taking Zoloft, which helped a lot. She was able to wean off it after a while and then started taking it as soon as she got pregnant the second time, which really helped her manage so much better this time (she had her second baby in May).

Since you don't have any friends with kids I'd recommend finding a mom group on facebook. I was in an AMAZING one that helped so much and made me feel less isolated. Motherhood IS isolating in so so many ways. You're physically isolated in your home so much of the time, you're often awake in the middle of the night by yourself in the dark, and mentally there's no one who can truly understand the way you feel about your baby - I think no one can love a baby the way a mother does - so you're alone in your emotions.

There are probably local moms groups in your area on facebook who even get together in real life sometimes. That can be so helpful! I quit facebook a few months ago or I'd invite you to the one I used to be in. I was also in this one, which was really similar in the sense that the women were totally real and not full of shit - no judging, etc:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/RantsfromMommyland/?hc_ref=ARQkYjRxNBqSxT062r8fCdrk8b-lIN25_9zWSgZhEMQwLvakJBvF59LGptqk2_pfNvk

It's called "Rants From MommyLand Group" if that link doesn't work.

And speaking of husbands, it's so great to have a supportive husband, but one thing that was so hard for me was watching how his life just kept chugging along while mine fell apart. He could just get up, go to work, come home, play with the baby, play his video games, go to the gym, etc... like nothing had happened! It was hard not to feel resentful and jealous that he was able to enjoy the baby so much more than me even though I was the one who gestated and birthed her. He was just him + a baby, while I was a shell of my former self.

[mare serenitatis]

I'm so glad to be able to help in any way. Anxiety is hard enough on its own, but trying to deal with it while taking care of a baby is unbearable. You've made it to 6 months! You're getting over one of the bigger humps for sure.

It also must be hard to be the first one in your group to have a baby! I didn't have my daughter until I was 31, so I had a bunch of friends with kids and I was also amazingly lucky that my best childhood friend just happened to be pregnant at the same time as me, so we wrote back and forth to each other all day long in those first, most difficult months. She also suffered from bad postpartum anxiety and ended up seeing a therapist and taking Zoloft, which helped a lot. She was able to wean off it after a while and then started taking it as soon as she got pregnant the second time, which really helped her manage so much better this time (she had her second baby in May).

Since you don't have any friends with kids I'd recommend finding a mom group on facebook. I was in an AMAZING one that helped so much and made me feel less isolated. Motherhood IS isolating in so so many ways. You're physically isolated in your home so much of the time, you're often awake in the middle of the night by yourself in the dark, and mentally there's no one who can truly understand the way you feel about your baby - I think no one can love a baby the way a mother does - so you're alone in your emotions.

There are probably local moms groups in your area on facebook who even get together in real life sometimes. That can be so helpful! I quit facebook a few months ago or I'd invite you to the one I used to be in. I was also in this one, which was really similar in the sense that the women were totally real and not full of shit - no judging, etc:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/RantsfromMommyland/?hc_ref=ARQkYjRxNBqSxT062r8fCdrk8b-lIN25_9zWSgZhEMQwLvakJBvF59LGptqk2_pfNvk

It's called "Rants From MommyLand Group" if that link doesn't work.

And speaking of husbands, it's so great to have a supportive husband, but one thing that was so hard for me was watching how his life just kept chugging along while mine fell apart. He could just get up, go to work, come home, play with the baby, play his video games, go to the gym, etc... like nothing had happened! It was hard not to feel resentful and jealous that he was able to enjoy the baby so much more than me even though I was the one who gestated and birthed her. He was just him + a baby, while I was a shell of my former self.

Ahhh! Thank you for the resource!

That’s exactly how I feel watching my husband and my daughter. It’s great he’s so able and willing, but I feel like a banana peel. Lol

I’m having a hard time because tomorrow is my oncology visit.

[Nikky123]

Did you ever find out the cause of the spleen. I’m 2 months post partum and had a scan for something else and they said my spleen was mildly enlarged. Dr wasn’t concerned at all (didn’t even mention it I just read it in the report)