PLEASE read.. feeling suicidal. Incidental finding

[Traumatized85]

Hi.. I am new to this website. My new I mean I have never signed up till now but I have read some posts on here before. I have had severe health anxiety since my cousins diagnosis of testicular cancer 2 years ago. That coincided with the birth of my son and put post natal depression and that together l, you can imagine the huge explosion of anxiety I have carried with me for two years. Over the course of the last two years due to my health anxiety, I have had numerous health worries from top to toe. None of them ever turned out to be anything bad.

However, almost my worst nightmare was about to come true the last couple months. I was having green stool, stomach pain, reflux and loose stool so I ended up having an ultrasound scan of the abdomen. I knew they found something because the radiologist just kept going over the same spot over and over. I went back into my doctors office and he said I now need an abdominal and pelvic ct scan. I can’t even begin to tell you the fear and anxiety I had. The following morning I got the ct scan and saw the doctor. He said they found a mass inbetween my stomach and pancreas. Good news was that it was round and well circumscribed and not attached to anything. However I would now need an MRI, endoscopy with a biopsy and a pet scan to see if there was any biological activity present.

A few days later I had the MRI and the radiologist thought it might be something called an accessory spleen. So I now had to have a technetium 99m red blood cell scan to see if it was spleen. If it was then they would leave me go. However it wasn’t. So following that I had a PET/CT scan.. then I had the endoscopy and biopsy. The fna revealed no cancer cells and possible diagnosis of a leiomyoma which is basically a fibroid. The surgeon said I needed to have it fully out and sent to pathology for a definitive diagnosis. My surgery was keyhole and I had it 3 weeks ago. It was sent to pathology and they said no cancer cells were found but they don’t know what it is but that they were sure it was benign.

As you can imagine that is a huge relief for me. But I am still not able to close the door on this, not knowing my diagnosis, what caused this etc.

The other huge fear I have is all the radiation I have had. It’s killing me to think this probably will now cause cancer years down the line. Can someone please give me something positive out of all the hell i have been through. I really am desperate and feeling quite suicidal. I know I should be so grateful and I am but I am severely traumatized by it all.

I also wanted to post my story on here because it shows the danger of our health anxiety. Going for scans etc all the time to reassure ourself isn’t always wise as these incidental findings do come up and once doctors find them they don’t let go. The doctor thinks the mass was never causing me any problems and was just incidental.

Sorry for the long post but I am just looking for some support and positivity. No one felse knows what I’m really going through.... many thanks.

[Fishmanpa]

The other huge fear I have is all the radiation I have had. It’s killing me to think this probably will now cause cancer years down the line. Can someone please give me something positive out of all the hell i have been through.

I want to put that fear to rest. First off, there is not one case of cancer that on the record was caused by x-rays, scans etc. I'm a Stage IVa Head and Neck cancer survivor, in addition to chemo, I had radiation treatment to my head and neck 5 days a week for 6 weeks. I also had a CT scan before every rad treatment to calibrate the radiation beams. 30 doses of radiation, enough to burn the skin off my neck and turn my mouth and throat into mush. I'm still here 5 years later cancer free so :shrug: Oh yeah, that doesn't count all the xrays and scans I've had previously throughout my life and after the cancer. So I think you can put that fear to bed.

Positive thoughts

[heylumos]

I have had so, so many scans and x-rays over the years for broken bones, abdominal pain etc., and there have been no ill effects in the many years since. The radiation you underwent will not probably cause cancer down the line - that’s just health anxiety blowing it far out of proportion. Doctors take risk of any test into account, and a test that would cause a patient to probably develop cancer down the line would 100% be considered too risky, they would never send you off for that. You’re going to be absolutely fine.

[ErinKC]

I'm so sorry you went through this, it sounds extremely traumatic. I think you could benefit greatly from some therapy to talk through everything you experienced.

I know it's so hard when you've been through so much and are in such a bad anxiety state, but try to think positively - this could have been something bad, but it wasn't. Your doctor's did everything they needed to do to be sure you weren't sick. Even with no solid diagnosis, they did tell you that it was nothing serious and it's been removed.

As far as radiation is concerned, I have had this fear too since I had many CT scans and x-rays a few years ago before and after emergency surgery for a necrotic fibroid. I've done a lot of research about this (I have anxiety AND I'm a freelance researcher... A dangerous combo!) The newest science is that there is no risk. The risks we're calculated based on studies of people exposed to high doses of radiation, like in Japan after WWII. They then extrapolated the data to create a curve that would predict the effects of low doses, like in medical scans. New studies and analysis are saying this was a totally inaccurate way of doing this because our bodies are able to repair themselves when faced with low doses of radiation, which we are exposed to basically every day. There's never been any actual evidence of cancer caused by the radiation used in medical scans. Basically, new science is saying you can't look at the instances of cancer caused by a nuclear bomb and use that data to assume how many instances of cancer there will be from a CT scan... But that's exactly what they were doing.

You went through a lot, and you're having some PTSD probably. Find someone you can talk to! And, you're ok! Benign tumor, rouge spleen, etc... Whatever it was, it's gone and you're still here!

[lofwyr]

Absolutely agree on the CT radiation. I get two or three a year. My mom had them every three months for 3 years after her cancer operation. Then every six months for the last two years after that. She was, and is cancer free still.

I have hear--this is second hand information, but from a cardio thoracic surgeon--that of all people who get CTs routinely, less than 1 in 2000 will develop a problem from them. And she was talking about people like me, who will have one or two a year for the rest of my life.

[Angelica Schuyler]

Oh, hun, that's a big scare you went through. Many people feel trauma from a major health scare. I hope you're talking to a mental health professional about that and your suicidal ideations. Your life is still worthwhile and there are ways to get through this.

I had a high-stage lymphoma when I was a teenager, and I'm still dealing with the trauma and worries from that and the death of my mom, who had COPD and lung cancer. I also went through radiation treatment and a LOT of follow-up scans - x-ray, CT, gallium, and PET. It's only recently that my doctors have decided to limit the types of scans I get to keep any more radiation exposure to a minimum. This is after cancer treatment AND almost 20 years of follow-up scans.

Please trust me when I say that a few CT scans will almost certainly do you no harm. You have to be exposed to a very significant amount of radiation to up your cancer risk. Also remember that ultrasounds and MRIs don't use radiation, so those don't add to your exposure at all.

I agree that these incidental findings can wreck a person with health anxiety. I had an abdominal CT last year because I swore I had pancreatic, stomach, or colon cancer. There was nothing in my abdomen, but there was a nodule on my lung. That's caused a whole new spiral and symptoms despite my doctors' reassurances, all over a pain that ultimately went away.

You've been through the wringer, but there can be some positive out of your experience. You can use this as an impetus to find the best way to deal with your trauma and your anxiety so you can live a happier life. You've also provided us all with a valuable warning about seeking unnecessary tests and exactly how much damage health anxiety can cause. Thank you for sharing your story here.

[Andrash]

I really am desperate and feeling quite suicidal.

As for the radiation issue, you had two cancer survivors explaining that the amount you had been exposed to (during scans) was absolutely non - cancerous. Nothing more to add really - that is the best possible reassurance you can get.

As for the suicidal thoughts, you don't have them. Trust me. How do I know? Because you have health anxiety. You can't have both. If you really wanted to die, you wouldn't be scared of diseases - cancer is an excellent killer so why bother fearing it when you want to die in a first place? Therefore, you don't want to die, you love life and want to live it to the fullest, which is exactly what you absolutely deserve.

You just need to shrug off the weight the anxiety and depression has placed upon you. YOU WILL GET THERE. You are traumatized now, your mind is a mess, but even the deepest traumas fade away - in your case, your medical issue, whatever it was, was benign. Stick to it and repeat it to yourself as much as you need. And try to be as active and to keep your mind as occupied as possible - it might be hard at the beginning I know, but it will work wonders long and mid term.

[Traumatized85]

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive responses. You have definitely helped me in trying to conquer my fear. As you all know though, with health anxiety, it keeps creeping up.

Wanted to ask has anyone watched the documentary, ‘the truth about cancer’?

[tan235]

OMG i'm going through this right now!!!! I know how you feel, I feel sick to my gut, can't eat, not coping its bloody horrible and even though they say they don't know what it is but it's not cancer - you still don't feel ok because you have this lingering what if?!

ack sorry I know this post is old.....

[WiseMonkey]

The amount of radiation from one scan is equivalent to one plane flight, kind of puts it into perspective. Glad all went well.

[verymerryberry]

As for the suicidal thoughts, you don't have them. Trust me. How do I know? Because you have health anxiety. You can't have both. If you really wanted to die, you wouldn't be scared of diseases - cancer is an excellent killer so why bother fearing it when you want to die in a first place? Therefore, you don't want to die, you love life and want to live it to the fullest, which is exactly what you absolutely deserve.

This is such an old post, but I just need to say that this simple statement lifted away so much guilt and shame from me. I have been struggling SO much over the past few months and it makes me feel like I'm exasperating everyone around me, like I can't take care of myself, like I'm bringing this on myself, which makes it so much harder to deal with. Anxiety and suicidal thoughts can make you feel weak, but you've made me realize that the only reason why we can feel so negatively about life isn't because we want it to end, but because we want the fear to end so we can begin to live.

[molly15]

This is the problem with scans and such . I was the same went for a ultrasound they found a shadow on my kidney then had to go for ct which showed nothing on on my kidney but found a adrenal adenoma and a fibroid which both turned out to be benign but because they were found i had to go for more tests and this caused so much anxiety to the point of a breakdown. So the reason doctors aren't keen to send patients for tests unless absolutely necessary is because scans and such can show up these incidental findings that cause so much worry but if you never had the scans you would never know anything about them as they are doing you know harm.