How do you manage anxiety about an actually diagnosed condition?

[Shadowhawk]

So, like many others here, i obviously worry alot, about a lot of things. And i am happy to say, i am actively in therapy, as well as just starting Zoloft (which may be part of my current issue). Like so many others here, i have been incorrectly diagnosing myself with many things, or they weren't of much concern.

However, i have one genuine concern that is now biting me in the butt. When i went to the hospital in March, i had the full battery of cardio tests (short of a stress test). Holter, EKG, Echo, and bloods. Sadly, not everything here was perfect. My BNP levels (a marker used exclusively for heart failure) was up, but not over a threshold. When i spoke to the cardio, i had a good ejection fraction (60-65%), but did have (in his words) mild left ventricular hypertrophy. Now, that alone scared me, but he really didn't seem concerned. He put me on an ACE inhibitor, and sent me on my way (the next follow up with a different doctor was also unremarkable at the time, but plays a role here).

Fast forward to recently- when i had my colonoscopy, I was thrown for a loop, when the anesthesiologist said: "So i see here you have heart failure". My heart (hah) sank, and i panicked. I asked him to go over my chart, and reviewing what he saw, he said that there were only notes of the LVH, and grade 1 diastolic dysfunction, but no failure (and no signs of failure). I initially googled DD, and somehow came away feeling ok.. didnt seem too big at the time, and the doc confirmed that he wouldn't lose sleep over it if he were told it.

And so here i am today.. i broke my rule, when panic thinking about it last night took over, and i googled. And now i am just crestfallen. I google it, and i get so many hits for heart failure its depressing; so many sites label it as such. Others do make a distinction, but warn that one quickly leads to the other. I called the cardio office, and found out from the nurse that it was the second doc (not the first at the hospital or initial follow up) who made the note, but did not say anything to me about it.

All of that back story... After reading everything i have i feel crushed and depressed. I feel like i wont get to see my little girl grow up, and i regret every stupid decision that took me here. Knowing (or at least "finding out") that i have LVH and dysfunction/failure(?) just completely takes the wind out of my sails. I frankly don't know how to go on, as i feel like i have been given an imminent death sentence. You read the articles, and 50% of people with failure are dead in years. Yet my doctors said nothing about it. I feel ok.. i just did a mile and half walk at 3mph and got my heart rate up to 150 without chest pain or dying catching my breath; and yet it feels like its all pointless now.

How do you cope with something like this? I know a few people here have/had real issues that effect your life.. how do you go on? I wish beyond wish that somehow my diagnosis was wrong, but its what a doctor wrote (but again.. didn't say a thing to me about it.. it kills my trust). I see my daughter, and i want to cry, thinking daddy wont be around in a year...

---------- Post added at 15:49 ---------- Previous post was at 15:02 ----------

So, I spoke to the nurse who spoke with the doctor.. he said while I do have it, it is (very)mild (not sure if I used the very or if she did), and it's related to my blood pressure. The doc offered to have me come in and talk about it to ease my fears.. going in on Monday.

Still.. how do people do it.. how do they handle the sword hanging over their head. I still feel so scared and alone, like this will kill me in months..

[melfish]

There is some contention about even labelling it grade 1, as it rarely progresses and is a very common finding, particularly as you get older. I found it in my husband's notes by accident (his cardiologist didn't even mention it), panicked, and spend a mad few hours googling until I was sure it wasn't serious

[Shadowhawk]

"as it rarely progresses and is a very common finding"

I would likely be feeling a lot better if i had run across that.. sadly, the google results just lead me down the path of preserved ejection fraction heart failure and everything else..


" particularly as you get older."

Except i am 34.. i shouldn't have a problem this young. I can't stop beating myself up for not treating my apnea sooner.. for letting myself get so overweight.. for not being the father my daughter deserves (seriously.. what a waste am i...).
I admit.. there is a big part of me now doubting EVERYTHING my cardio guy said, because he didnt mention this hugely serious problem. I have always had a worry about doctors not giving the whole story, and this has been a huge set back.

[melfish]

There is a big part of me now doubting EVERYTHING my cardio guy said, because he didnt mention this hugely serious problem.

Except it's not a hugely serious problem

---------- Post added at 14:59 ---------- Previous post was at 14:57 ----------

You think your cardio guy is just deliberately not telling you about some imminent danger?

[Shadowhawk]

Except it's not a hugely serious problem

---------- Post added at 14:59 ---------- Previous post was at 14:57 ----------

You think your cardio guy is just deliberately not telling you about some imminent danger?




Technically, it would actually be two cardio guys (there was the first at my week follow up from my hospital stay, and than another one two months ago who looked at my charts and everything again (he is the guy who noted officially the dysfunction, but did not mention it to me). Then, there is also the dr anesthesiologist who looked at the notes and said to not worry (we talked about his arrhythmia as well); he told me he wouldn't lose sleep over it if he was told that...


I wont lie.. i have major trust issues (made worse by my ex having her affair..). I don't know WHY they wouldn't tell me about something serious, but that is exactly what my worry says. That, they spared my feelings, or missed something, or are downplaying how serious it is. I realize no good doctor would do that, and neither one said anything other than manage my BP, stick with my CPAP, and keep losing weight. At this point since the hospital in march, i have lost around 30lb.. so there is that..

[melfish]

Good on you for losing the weight.

I have trust issues with medical professionals too. I think we all do. But I find it easier since moving to the US, because this country is so damned litigious. He's not trying to spare your feelings and he's not missed it because it's right there on your notes. Stop worrying, and keep up the good lifestyle work. It makes a huge difference to heart health

[Shadowhawk]

Good on you for losing the weight.

I have trust issues with medical professionals too. I think we all do. But I find it easier since moving to the US, because this country is so damned litigious. He's not trying to spare your feelings and he's not missed it because it's right there on your notes. Stop worrying, and keep up the good lifestyle work. It makes a huge difference to heart health


You are right.. its there in my notes. I just don't understand why no one warned me about it (i am stuck on this, because i am stuck on the hazard of it, right or wrong). I know the LVH (also described as mild and concentric, simply down to my BP, like the nurse said of the dysfunction) is also not a good thing.. but the two of em combined threw me for a loop.


Sadly, i had JUST been coming down from my worry following my mole surgery, and my back and GI were JUST starting to get back to normal. But now with my stress, i am right back into pain.

[nomorepanic]

I have loads of REAL health problems and you just get on with it and deal with them all.

There is nothing else I can do but live with them and take advice from the professionals and live life the best I can.

[Shadowhawk]

I have loads of REAL health problems and you just get on with it and deal with them all.

There is nothing else I can do but live with them and take advice from the professionals and live life the best I can.


Aye, i have my issues here and there (been told i have a fatty liver, and my thyroid has been out of whack for a long time). I know the liver thing CAN be serious, but for some reason, the heart issue scares me more.



You are right, i need to just to trust the advice and go on. I just have such problems trusting the advice; and more, trusting that this isn't going to kill me in months.... :scared15:

[nosrednanagem]

I’m so glad I found your post. This time last year, I was also diagnosed with mild LVH. I was absolutely devastated! I cried everyday until I saw a cardiologist. He told me it was caused by high BP because of my anxiety. So, basically just get my anxiety under control, and I’ll be fine. Fast forward to today, my heart anxiety has came back with a vengeance. I’m noticing every skipped, extra, fluttering beat. I can’t stop worrying about my heart, it’s terrifying!

[lofwyr]

A year ago I was dxed with an 4.8 cm aortic aneurysm and 4.7 cm dilated aortic root. An odd thing happened. After decades of fearing conditions I imagined having that could kill me, I had developed a real condition that actually could kill me. Literally, any second of any day I have about a 2-3% chance of rupture or dissection, even while I type this. If I rupture I may not even be conscious when I hit the ground, and living 20 miles away from the hospital, my 98% chance of dying from it pretty much becomes 100%. If I dissect (different from rupturing), I have a chance, but it isn't a good one. I am living with this every day, and it has to grow a little bit before I can do the surgery for it, so I have that waiting for me. The risk from the surgery is about 5%, so it is a numbers game with the surgeon, when the risk of the surgery outweighs the risk of the rupture, they take care of it.

All that sounds horrible, like a hypochondriac's worst nightmare, but the truth is, I feel amazing. I feel more anxiety free than I have felt in the last 30 years. I have a problem, I am dealing with it the best I can, and there isn't a damn thing more I can do. I eat right, I exercise moderately, and I have learned to live in the moment day to day, and really, for the first time in a long time, ENJOY my life. I am living the life I should have lived for the last 30 years instead of wasting it in worry, just in case this *is* that day.

So the truth is, my real condition is a godsend for me. Sure, I would love not to have an aneurysm, but the truth is, that isn't going to happen. So I have learned a lot about my anxiety by realizing--or perhaps accepting--two things. One, I will die. Hopefully not for a long time, and I have a good, solid chance of living a long time, but it *will* happen, so why worry about it. Two, I will do what I can to be healthy, but there are things so far beyond our control, I won't worry about those things anymore and just focus on what I can.

Even now, I have a new mole that looks very odd. For about two days, I started worrying about it, then I called my derm's office, made an appointment, and went on with my day. I put it to the back of my mind and went on a dinner date with my wife and some friends, not sparing it a second thought. That is not likely how I would have dealt with it before this aneurysm business, so the truth is, I am happy it happened. It was a huge part of the recovery I am feeling today and I would rather have the time I have remaining, whether 30 seconds, or 30 years, be like this than fifty years living like I was before.

[Shadowhawk]

I am in a complete spiral right now. I can't stop googling, and I just keep seeing such bad news everywhere. How it's heart failure, and hf people drop dead in years. I am put with my daughter right now, and I can barely not cry thinking that I won't even see her put of Elementary school. She needed me, and I have utterly failed her 5 years into life. Her mom left us, and now dad is going to die soon.. what a waste I am

I think this is all made worse by my Zoloft starting, but this is pure hell right now.. I have no relief, or anything. I am completely alone.. I can't handle this

[nosrednanagem]

Like I said, I can totally relate. I’m having a really bad day today. I’ve read that LVH can be reversed with healthy diet, exercise and weight loss. We can do it!

[Shadowhawk]

I hope you can do it... At least one of us make it.

After several more hours of googling the same thing, article from respectable sites like wedmd have literally sapped any hope I had. Dysfunction IS failure, and I know I have a short time now.

I am so angry at my doctors for not telling me that I had heart failure back in March.. so much time lost. I want to go in and yell at him on Monday.. it's not like he will tell me any good news.. I have dysfunction.. it is heart failure.

I am out with my daughter, and have been googling for 4 hours while she plays. And it breaks my heart knowing I have so little time left, and that I cannot stop myself from wasting the time I do have. I am tears right now.. o am so depressed.. I am lost

[lucymarie]

I hope you can do it... At least one of us make it.

After several more hours of googling the same thing, article from respectable sites like wedmd have literally sapped any hope I had. Dysfunction IS failure, and I know I have a short time now.

I am so angry at my doctors for not telling me that I had heart failure back in March.. so much time lost. I want to go in and yell at him on Monday.. it's not like he will tell me any good news.. I have dysfunction.. it is heart failure.

I am out with my daughter, and have been googling for 4 hours while she plays. And it breaks my heart knowing I have so little time left, and that I cannot stop myself from wasting the time I do have. I am tears right now.. o am so depressed.. I am lost

Shadow I don’t know where you are getting your facts but I just had a quick search and it sounds somewhat common in individuals of a certain age and lifestyle. I certainly didnt see anything that implied it was an immenent or even certain death sentence at all. Stage 1 is the mildest form and it sounds like management is lifestyle changes. If you had a condition that was likely to kill you, your doctors wouldnt hide it from you, both from an ethical point of view but also to cover their arses.

[melfish]

Shadow I don’t know where you are getting your facts but I just had a quick search and it sounds somewhat common in individuals of a certain age and lifestyle. I certainly didnt see anything that implied it was an immenent or even certain death sentence at all. Stage 1 is the mildest form and it sounds like management is lifestyle changes. If you had a condition that was likely to kill you, your doctors wouldnt hide it from you, both from an ethical point of view but also to cover their arses.

I've tried to tell him this already. Fell on deaf ears; he seems to prefer the histrionics :(

[lofwyr]

My dad has been living in systolic dysfunction for the last twelve years with no progression of the disease. I know a woman who has been living with it for twenty-four years too. I

[lucymarie]

I've tried to tell him this already. Fell on deaf ears; he seems to prefer the histrionics :(

:weep:

[Shadowhawk]

I don't prefer it at all. I want hope. But I go to places like WebMD, and it lists dysfunction AS heart failure. And then more articles about how so many die in a few years of diagnosis. Please, point me to hope.. I want some hope.

I wish I knew how much of the over worry I could blame on my meds.. they said an SSRI is not fun at first, but I was not ready for this ..

Unlike other posters, I do want to thank everyone for the support and advice. It is NOT falling on deaf ears. Right now, I am stuck in the cycle of reading Google info, and the bad news I find crushes me beyond reason..

Lm - unfortunately, I am young enough that it shouldn't be happening. I suspect that my apnea has made it worse..

Mel- I do value your first hand knowledge. How is he doing right now?

Lof- that is excellent.. I am so glad your dad is fighting so well. I hope I can fight as hard and have a chance.

I am also now in the best shape I have been in years.i can walk for miles, and play with my daughter for hours. I just get so disparaged when I read something bad

---------- Post added at 17:48 ---------- Previous post was at 17:28 ----------

Sigh.... I really am sorry for letting everyone down. I value the support I have come to find here, and I hate that my current panic has made disappointment. Again, for what it's worth, I AM sorry

[lucymarie]

I don't prefer it at all. I want hope. But I go to places like WebMD, and it lists dysfunction AS heart failure. And then more articles about how so many die in a few years of diagnosis. Please, point me to hope.. I want some hope.

I wish I knew how much of the over worry I could blame on my meds.. they said an SSRI is not fun at first, but I was not ready for this ..

Unlike other posters, I do want to thank everyone for the support and advice. It is NOT falling on deaf ears. Right now, I am stuck in the cycle of reading Google info, and the bad news I find crushes me beyond reason..

Lm - unfortunately, I am young enough that it shouldn't be happening. I suspect that my apnea has made it worse..

Mel- I do value your first hand knowledge. How is he doing right now?

Lof- that is excellent.. I am so glad your dad is fighting so well. I hope I can fight as hard and have a chance.

I am also now in the best shape I have been in years.i can walk for miles, and play with my daughter for hours. I just get so disparaged when I read something bad

---------- Post added at 17:48 ---------- Previous post was at 17:28 ----------

Sigh.... I really am sorry for letting everyone down. I value the support I have come to find here, and I hate that my current panic has made disappointment. Again, for what it's worth, I AM sorry

I can’t point you to support because you’ve had some in this thread and it didn’t work, so nothing will make a difference. You have made your mind up. Maybe you should make an appointment with your GP to talk it over and get their opinion. SSRIS definitely make things worse before they get better from my understanding.

[Shadowhawk]

I can’t point you to support because you’ve had some in this thread and it didn’t work, so nothing will make a difference. You have made your mind up. Maybe you should make an appointment with your GP to talk it over and get their opinion. SSRIS definitely make things worse before they get better from my understanding.

Lm - Again, I am really sorry again. I feel like I let you (and everyone else) down, especially after all the help you have given.

I have been in a panic attack basically the last three days. Believe it or not, my mind is NOT made up up.. but I have been scared senseless by sites like WebMD and Heart.org that simply list it as failure. I won't lie.. I found lots of other sites that make a distinction, and doctors who have answered questions saying it isn't too bad. I don't know why the other sites scare me so much.. I guess just because of their reputation I take them more seriously that others, but I know that is unfair.

I am seeing the cardiologist on Monday, and I will throw all the questions at him. I know after this weekend, I fear it will be hard for me to deal with what he has to say, but I know he is my best source of knowledge.

[melfish]

He's absolutely fine because there is nothing wrong with his heart outside the normal changes you'd expect to see with age (he's 57). His cardiologist, like yours, didn't even bother to mention the grade 1 business because it's NBD. He is a lineman, and hikes through redwood forests and climbs power poles every day. His BP is low-normal and his resting HR is in the high 50s. He takes no meds. He is superfit.

---------- Post added at 15:53 ---------- Previous post was at 15:47 ----------

I was there at his yearly checkup appointment (he has occasional episodes of SVT) when the cardiologist looked back at the echo results, said there was nothing significant there, and that he did not require a repeat echo

[Shadowhawk]

He's absolutely fine because there is nothing wrong with his heart outside the normal changes you'd expect to see with age (he's 57). His cardiologist, like yours, didn't even bother to mention the grade 1 business because it's NBD. He is a lineman, and hikes through redwood forests and climbs power poles every day. His BP is low-normal and his resting HR is in the high 50s. He takes no meds. He is superfit.

---------- Post added at 15:53 ---------- Previous post was at 15:47 ----------

I was there at his yearly checkup appointment (he has occasional episodes of SVT) when the cardiologist looked back at the echo results, said there was nothing significant there, and that he did not require a repeat echo

Technically two cardiologists (a different doc filled in for my first at my regular follow up) said nothing (and only the second even noted it based on the echo).

I think perhaps my biggest hang up is my age.. i should be too young to have the problem. But i also know my untreated apnea was no help, nor was my 2 year divorce stress.

It seems silly, but in the last few months (where i have been way more focused on eating better and being active), i got myself worried because i thought my heart rate was too LOW for my health. Relaxed in the chair at night (or sitting at work), i can see it in the 60s, sometimes bouncing off 58-59.. Sleeping it is solidly in the 50s. I know in very few cases low is bad, but it really tripped me out. I also know that since the hospital visit, my resting rate has been steadily dropping (could be a combination of lifestyle change and lisinopril). Right now, sitting in my recliner (legs up), my heart is bouncing right at at 60bpm. When i push myself excersising, i have no problem getting to 140-150 (haven't pushed harder yet) without pain or feeling way out of breath.

I hit rock bottom today guys. I got stuck googling the same thing for hours, and broke today. I just broke down crying as i kept reading certain WebMD pages and losing hope. I know its stupid. I know i need to trust my doctor more than a web page. I really DO want the hope.. i don't want this feeling, and i do appreciate the support.

[melfish]

WebMD is not the "reputable" site you think it is. It's very alarmist and sensationalised

Googling the same thing over and over is classic HA reassurance-seeking behaviour. You need to break the habit. Try setting aside a "worry time" and whenever the thought crops up, tell yourself you'll worry about it later. Remember, all this panicked energy you are putting into this is changing absolutely nothing about your reality. It's a big, fat waste of time

[Shadowhawk]

WebMD is not the "reputable" site you think it is. It's very alarmist and sensationalised

Googling the same thing over and over is classic HA reassurance-seeking behaviour. You need to break the habit. Try setting aside a "worry time" and whenever the thought crops up, tell yourself you'll worry about it later. Remember, all this panicked energy you are putting into this is changing absolutely nothing about your reality. It's a big, fat waste of time
I am fighting with everything i have right now not to google again.. but i already know what i will find, and i don't want to go down that road again.



I wish i knew why it was so, so hard to trust my doctors, in both what they say, and what they don't. I know it would be unethical to not disclose a big issue, not to mention a disservice of health to let me leave without knowing the implications. But it does hit me still that whomever saw the dysfunction noted it as failure, which does make it harder to believe it isn't anything.


But i do respect your insight Mel. While i am out of shape and excersie doesn't feel great in general, i dont feel bad otherwise. i don't swell, and i am reasonably sure coughing i have had before was related to other congestion i have had before (the problem with HA, we see any "symptom" as the worst it could be). And my heart isn't beating as fast as it used to, which i try to take as a good thing.


All i know is.. i am a mess still, and i really hope the cardio guy comes right out and reaffirms that i have a glimmer of hope in my case, based on my real numbers, not random articles...

[melfish]

Hang in there. I am sure it will be reassuring news. Remember, a medical professional told you he wouldn't lose any sleep over it ...

[Shadowhawk]

Hang in there. I am sure it will be reassuring news. Remember, a medical professional told you he wouldn't lose any sleep over it ...

Hey there. Thanks again.

Last night I slept terribly, and my anxiety is through the roof still. I am trying to remain calm at the fact that the doctors didn't seem to worry. But the anxiety comes back when I remember that someone else in the hospital noted that as failure.. and the statistics for prognosis after diagnosis.

Beyond that, I am trying to focus on just living. I owe it to my daughter for as many good years as I can muster, be it 1 or 30 (not likely, but....)..

[lucymarie]

Hey there. Thanks again.

Last night I slept terribly, and my anxiety is through the roof still. I am trying to remain calm at the fact that the doctors didn't seem to worry. But the anxiety comes back when I remember that someone else in the hospital noted that as failure.. and the statistics for prognosis after diagnosis.

Beyond that, I am trying to focus on just living. I owe it to my daughter for as many good years as I can muster, be it 1 or 30 (not likely, but....)..

Shadow you are probably more likely to give yourself serious health problems from this constant stress you put yourself under and the constant thoughts of not being around for your daughter than the 'deadly' health conditions you think you have.

[Shadowhawk]

Shadow you are probably more likely to give yourself serious health problems from this constant stress you put yourself under and the constant thoughts of not being around for your daughter than the 'deadly' health conditions you think you have.
Can't disagree the stress is bad.. i know its raising my pressure (which is bad too....). I guess i am just not comfortable yet saying its not more serious than it seems. Yeah, google ruined me, and scared me... i just hope the doc looking at my chart gives me more insight...

[Shadowhawk]

So, a follow up -

Spoke with the Cardiologist at length, and did ease my concerns (mostly). I asked flat out.. do i have heart failure.
- No.
We spoke about where my heart is, with the mild LVH, what has caused it, and how to keep treating it. We talked about how right along with the LVH, the higher BP makes it harder for my heart to relax, and how managing the BP should seriously help. He noted that by 60, virtually EVERYONE has this dysfunction, but i am here earlier because of my pressure.

So, he told me to relax, STOP GOOGLING, and know that right now it is not failure. He completely laughed when i asked if i should worry about transplant considerations (my sister got me on that path). Right now, he just wants me to keep doing what i am doing, and not lose any sleep over this.

I am still fighting parts of my anxiety, still revisiting things i had read before, and prior worries. I remember one time my feet swelled (though, i am fairly sure it wasn't long after moving to Florida, so i was not used to humidity, plus we were at a theme park all day as i remember), or when i had a bad cough that lasted a bit (though again, i am reasonably sure that was after i was sick). But since i know those CAN be failure symptoms, my mind latched on to them. That said, they happened before all the heart scanning - if i DID have failure, bad enough to cause those symptoms, he would have seen it then, and the conversation would be different. I just have to get my anxiety to accept that....

[Shadowhawk]

I really can't win. I know what the doctor told me. I know the hospital let me go before with no worries. I know the other cardiologist didn't mention anything grim.

And yet here I am at the end of the week, and I can't stop worrying that my end is right around the corner. I am so depressed, as I keep thinking the worst, that I won't be here for my little girl. I haven't done anything fun in weeks, as I just can't get on board with it.

I don't want to feel this way guys. Why do I have the stupid articles from online stuck in my head, more than a trained doctor telling me I am ok?? When I follow up with him again in 2 weeks, I am going to ask if he thinks I can even get 5 years out of my heart, and I am terrified he will say no (not that anything has changed, and I am walking every day and losing weight).

I am sorry for the drama.. like I said, I am sharing because I don't want to feel like this. I am reading the positive messages, and thinking about what the doctor said. But for reasons I can't understand, I am still terrified I am in bad shape, and come back to the stats I read... It's killing me..

[Fishmanpa]

I've had two heart attacks, triple bypass, stents and Stage IVa Head and Neck cancer. I'll trade ya!

Positive thoughts

[lucymarie]

I really can't win. I know what the doctor told me. I know the hospital let me go before with no worries. I know the other cardiologist didn't mention anything grim.

And yet here I am at the end of the week, and I can't stop worrying that my end is right around the corner. I am so depressed, as I keep thinking the worst, that I won't be here for my little girl. I haven't done anything fun in weeks, as I just can't get on board with it.

I don't want to feel this way guys. Why do I have the stupid articles from online stuck in my head, more than a trained doctor telling me I am ok?? When I follow up with him again in 2 weeks, I am going to ask if he thinks I can even get 5 years out of my heart, and I am terrified he will say no (not that anything has changed, and I am walking every day and losing weight).

I am sorry for the drama.. like I said, I am sharing because I don't want to feel like this. I am reading the positive messages, and thinking about what the doctor said. But for reasons I can't understand, I am still terrified I am in bad shape, and come back to the stats I read... It's killing me..

Where on earth are you getting 5 years from? No professional has told you have anything to worry about, nevermind something so imminent. Read what you just said - the stats you've read are killing you. Your own thoughts, NOT heart failure that you don't even have.

[Shadowhawk]

I've had two heart attacks, triple bypass, stents and Stage IVa Head and Neck cancer. I'll trade ya!

Positive thoughts

Sorry FMP, I know you have had a pretty rough go of it, and I really admire how you keep on trucking.


Where on earth are you getting 5 years from? No professional has told you have anything to worry about, nevermind something so imminent. Read what you just said - the stats you've read are killing you. Your own thoughts, NOT heart failure that you don't even have.
I know my fear is not a rational one.. isn't that why we are all here (at least to some degree)? I hate that my doctor told me flat out he didn't feel it was failure yet I still can't accept that. Believe me, this is one of the most miserable feelings I can imagine.

My mind, like a broken record, is hung up on certain sites saying it is failure (that is bad enough). That fear is then amplified by other articles saying that failure patients (especially young ones) over estimate prognosis, and many patients die in 5 years. And finally, to but a how on it, my fear recalls every congestion and fatigue (and any other CHF symptom I may have once had) and says "see, you really did have CHF!".

And more than anything else, I am terrified of dying, and not being there like I should be for my daughter. I live in regret of letting myself get this bad, and fear that it's too late to change.

I really am sorry to be so frustrating.. I don't know why this is so hard for me, but it is, and it's hell. :weep:

[lucymarie]

Sorry FMP, I know you have had a pretty rough go of it, and I really admire how you keep on trucking.


I know my fear is not a rational one.. isn't that why we are all here (at least to some degree)? I hate that my doctor told me flat out he didn't feel it was failure yet I still can't accept that. Believe me, this is one of the most miserable feelings I can imagine.

My mind, like a broken record, is hung up on certain sites saying it is failure (that is bad enough). That fear is then amplified by other articles saying that failure patients (especially young ones) over estimate prognosis, and many patients die in 5 years. And finally, to but a how on it, my fear recalls every congestion and fatigue (and any other CHF symptom I may have once had) and says "see, you really did have CHF!".

And more than anything else, I am terrified of dying, and not being there like I should be for my daughter. I live in regret of letting myself get this bad, and fear that it's too late to change.

I really am sorry to be so frustrating.. I don't know why this is so hard for me, but it is, and it's hell. :weep:

Yes it might be why we are here, at least some of us but you are believing a website over a professional who has actually examined you and told you you don't have heart failure. You are cherry picking information to support your worry (and believe me - I am guilty too!) but if you keep doing it, you won't get better from the illness you do have which is anxiety.

The really sad part is that you keep mentioning not being there for your daughter, but what is actually taking away your precious moments with her is your self inflicted worries, not heart failure. Please tell me you are getting some help for this anxiety Shadow :(

[Shadowhawk]

Yes it might be why we are here, at least some of us but you are believing a website over a professional who has actually examined you and told you you don't have heart failure. You are cherry picking information to support your worry (and believe me - I am guilty too!) but if you keep doing it, you won't get better from the illness you do have which is anxiety.

The really sad part is that you keep mentioning not being there for your daughter, but what is actually taking away your precious moments with her is your self inflicted worries, not heart failure. Please tell me you are getting some help for this anxiety Shadow :(
I know its nuts, but sadly, i know i am not alone either (at least have seen a few threads with doctor/trust issues). Part of it was made worse by my divorce - everything my ex promised me wasn't happening, was happening. Everything she said she wasn't, she was. So on top of a long standing problem with trust, she made it worse, and now... yes, i do doubt most people are telling me the whole story.

I am getting help - have a therapist, and i started Zoloft 2.5 weeks ago (and again, maybe thats making this worse). But beyond that, i dont have any support system. I am living in a "new" place, with no friends and no family here. When i go home at night, its just to my daughter, and equally depressed ex mother in law (who is being a great "mother" to my daughter, and has helped keep things stable for her; but who is also chronically depressed and has severe health issues). I dont know what to do for fun anymore, and with time i do have, i feel must be dedicated to my daughter (i am at work all day, i have no right to personal time). In a way, that's why i value the community here (very much including your support through my issues).. at least people here understand. :bighug1:

[Fishmanpa]

The really sad part is that you keep mentioning not being there for your daughter, but what is actually taking away your precious moments with her is your self inflicted worries, not heart failure. Please tell me you are getting some help for this anxiety Shadow :(

I've said so much many times here. I have physical issues that can put me 6 feet under. Worrying about non-existent illnesses is doing that to you above ground.

While the forum gives you a place to voice your worries and there's a certain amount of reassurance knowing you're not alone, it's not a replacement for real life professional help.

Positive thoughts

[Shadowhawk]

I've said so much many times here. I have physical issues that can put me 6 feet under. Worrying about non-existent illnesses is doing that to you above ground.

While the forum gives you a place to voice your worries and there's a certain amount of reassurance knowing you're not alone, it's not a replacement for real life professional help.

Positive thoughts

Right now, it FEELS real, and that is the problem. I know the worrying me is harming me, and i even appreciate the irony of it. I am doing what i can for help.. i just wish i knew what more i could do. I am seeking help, im taking meds.. but the anxiety and fear lingers so badly.

[lucymarie]

I know its nuts, but sadly, i know i am not alone either (at least have seen a few threads with doctor/trust issues). Part of it was made worse by my divorce - everything my ex promised me wasn't happening, was happening. Everything she said she wasn't, she was. So on top of a long standing problem with trust, she made it worse, and now... yes, i do doubt most people are telling me the whole story.

I am getting help - have a therapist, and i started Zoloft 2.5 weeks ago (and again, maybe thats making this worse). But beyond that, i dont have any support system. I am living in a "new" place, with no friends and no family here. When i go home at night, its just to my daughter, and equally depressed ex mother in law (who is being a great "mother" to my daughter, and has helped keep things stable for her; but who is also chronically depressed and has severe health issues). I dont know what to do for fun anymore, and with time i do have, i feel must be dedicated to my daughter (i am at work all day, i have no right to personal time). In a way, that's why i value the community here (very much including your support through my issues).. at least people here understand. :bighug1:

I'm sorry to hear that and I can definitely understand the trust issues. I struggle myself and I think that's the nature of HA for many of us. The Zoloft could definitely be making you feel worse, I know that short term things can get worse before they get better, particularly over the first few weeks.

In terms of feeling isolated, are there any local clubs/groups you could join? Or start a new hobby like woodcraft, baking, gardening or anything really that keeps your mind occupied. As far as your daughter is concerned, I really don't think you have a moral obligation to spend all of your free time with her, you still need time to yourself and if you manage to feel more relaxed and happier you will likely be a much more positive Dad for her too :)

---------- Post added at 16:48 ---------- Previous post was at 16:47 ----------


Right now, it FEELS real, and that is the problem. I know the worrying me is harming me, and i even appreciate the irony of it. I am doing what i can for help.. i just wish i knew what more i could do. I am seeking help, im taking meds.. but the anxiety and fear lingers so badly.

Stopping googling would be a huge step forward. One thing that I know for sure is that half (if not more) of the things I have worried about, I didn't even know existed before I googled. Once you plant the seed in your head it's extremely hard to shift as you've found. But if you avoid planting it to begin with - well then there you go. I know it's easier said than done and once you have googled it's even harder, but you can still stop yourself making it any worse.

We also don't really know what is real anymore, that's the problem. Because we become so paranoid about every little symptom, bodily change etc, we ALWAYS think it's something bad and have completely lost the ability to rationalise anymore. In which case we have to rely on others to tell us i.e. the professionals.

[Shadowhawk]

I'm sorry to hear that and I can definitely understand the trust issues. I struggle myself and I think that's the nature of HA for many of us. The Zoloft could definitely be making you feel worse, I know that short term things can get worse before they get better, particularly over the first few weeks.

In terms of feeling isolated, are there any local clubs/groups you could join? Or start a new hobby like woodcraft, baking, gardening or anything really that keeps your mind occupied. As far as your daughter is concerned, I really don't think you have a moral obligation to spend all of your free time with her, you still need time to yourself and if you manage to feel more relaxed and happier you will likely be a much more positive Dad for her too :)

---------- Post added at 16:48 ---------- Previous post was at 16:47 ----------



Stopping googling would be a huge step forward. One thing that I know for sure is that half (if not more) of the things I have worried about, I didn't even know existed before I googled. Once you plant the seed in your head it's extremely hard to shift as you've found. But if you avoid planting it to begin with - well then there you go. I know it's easier said than done and once you have googled it's even harder, but you can still stop yourself making it any worse.

We also don't really know what is real anymore, that's the problem. Because we become so paranoid about every little symptom, bodily change etc, we ALWAYS think it's something bad and have completely lost the ability to rationalise anymore. In which case we have to rely on others to tell us i.e. the professionals.

I am really hoping to get over this dip soon, as I am not sure how much more I can take at this point. It's made worse by my stitches still hurting a bit.. chronic pain can really wear one down (though, this pain is minor of course).

I have considered a club, but I don't know when I could. I leave the house at 5am, and am normally home just after 5pm. That only leaves a few hours before my daughter goes to bed, and in that time I need to get her dinner, washed up, and get some quality time in. By the time she crashes, I am ready to settle in for the night shortly after, so it doesn't feel like I have any time.

I have stopped googling.. I accepted there is no more I can learn, and I know I will only find more ways to get scared if I do. You put it perfectly.. the seed has been planted, and unfortunately, this is a scary seed.

You also hit the nail on the head when you talk about reality. I have a minor cough right now. My mind completely blows it out of proportion and says it's actually really CHF like I fear, rather than.. you know.. just some congestion from any of many sources. Like you said, when it comes to health, my rational thought has gone out the window...

[Shadowhawk]

Well, still totally paranoid, but doing a bit better.

Still have a tiny rattling in my chest, but I also noticed my GERD has been acting up (coincidentally with my stress..), and I know that can cause problems. That, or I know my CPAP has been making my nose run, which can make things happen too..

Anyways, I am also frustrated.. after a week of truly perfect dieting, and walking 10 miles over the week.. I lost a stunning.....

.6lb

I can't win.. :-(

[Shadowhawk]

Like I said, I can totally relate. I’m having a really bad day today. I’ve read that LVH can be reversed with healthy diet, exercise and weight loss. We can do it!

So, i realized the time has probably passed, but i wanted to apologize to you (and everyone really) for being such a downer on your optimism. You have a great attitude, and i love the spirit of "We can do it!". I need to embrace it more; hopefully are you still doing well.

And really to everyone, I am sorry. This has been an incredibly tough two weeks, and i can't explain why this fear has hit me as hard as it has, or why its so hard to believe the doc. I am also sorry FMP that you had to delete what you put down because i wasn't listening... again, i don't know why the fear has been so strong, but your words (everyone's), was not falling on deaf ears..

I am seeing my counselor this week, and I hope i can regain some progress. I am going back the cardio next week, and i hope a second talk can finish squashing the fears that remain (the big one, is the looming question on how this could effect my life span... at my worst days, i still fret i wont make it to 40..)..