would or could you forgive your abuser

[smudgie]

Hi everyone

Im felling so angry and frustrated at this very moment, i could scream or even hit something.

i suffer from personality disorder which matured from PTSD.
I was sexually abused as a child and last year found out my daughter had been abused sexually.
its all to much to cope with.

well today ive been told i need to move on and im stuck in a rut, i was told that if i could find forgiveness to both abusers i will recover faster, WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT, dont they realise what all that has happened effects a person and all and everything around them.

giving someone forgiveness means you would start to question if your to blame as there is no one else, as if i dont blame myself even already.

What do you all think, surely we cant forgive these cruel nasty people.

i would appreciate what you think.

i dont think my care team can be bothered with me.
love ness

[groovygranny]

Hello Ness,

Hm, I wonder if you could maybe consider it this way?

Forgiveness doesn't mean justifying what another has done.

Forgiveness means that you release yourself from the memory of what that person has done to you, and the hold it has over you - and by doing that the responsibilty for the 'misdeed' remains firmly with that person - not with you.

Now, I wouldn't dare say this to you if I hadn't had to do this myself albeit for different reasons than you.
I had to do it with two people who, out of misplaced motives, made me do something I've always regretted and wish I'd never had to do. Those two people were my parents. And I had to do it over another family member for something different.

Forgiveness isn't about the perpetrator - it's about you.
It isn't about what the perpetrator feels - it's about the peace that you want to feel within yourself, so that you can 'move on'.

Forgiveness is about removing the control from the perpetrator - and giving it to the victim.

I hope this has helped in some way - but if it hasn't I'd still like to send you big hugs anyway!

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

:flowers:

[happyone]

Hi Ness,
I think in this instance, everyone is different. I do understand where your therapist is coming from, but I do totally understand your feeling that it can't be done.

I have been abused by different people in my life, my feelings now towards them all are different.
I was abused by a close family member. I have forgiven him totally. He was young, he was mixed up, he wasn't aware of the future repurcussions (ie my mental health probs:wacko: ) I really genuinely believe he didn't know how bad what he was doing was.
Another family member, again, I think he was unaware of the full implications. Looking back, I think he had a mild learning disability.
Others, who definately knew what was wriong and right, I won't go into as it may sound a bit much for readers. I strangely enough have forgiven them too, in as much as it doesn't hurt me the same. I have often feared what happened to other people in their life and considerd taking out legal proceedings, but it was so long ago and so hard to prove now that I selfishly can't put myself through that.
I had major probs forgiving the people who didn't believe me, or said they didn't.
Yet, through counselling in the past few years, but mainly the last year and lots and lots of soul searching, I find I do forgive them too.
Of the people who have hurt me, I don't believe most of them wanted to hurt me, apart from 2. I can find reasons why it happened. Maybe that is my way of coping:shrug:
I amnot trying to sound like Mother theresa here, I have had lots and lots and lots of bitterness over the years. I have had my share of unforgiving. But I don't know if for me, it is a case of being able to let it go and move on. I totally understand people if they can't though.
I will never ever be able to completely let go of the past. It is my legacy. I am ill now I believe because of it. certain aspects of my life are affected in what I believe, irreprable ways. That does make me sad at times. However, therapist told me that it should make me angry.
Maybe that is my prob? Maybe I am too forgiving? maybe I should be more angry:shrug:
You said that maybe to forgive means to accept blame. I don't think that, but it is an easy road to go down

I think I would find forgiving anyone who had hurt my child impossible. A hurt to your children is like a red hot poker in the heart. I feel for you, I really really do. You are in my opinion a wonderful mother/father (sorry I know aness who is a woman and another who is a man so I am puzzled!) as you have taken on board what your child has said and believed them I wish so so much for you and your child that it hadn't happened, but I am glad your child has you.:hugs:
I don't know if any of this helps you. I do think I have an idea of the conflict that goes on in your inner self.
If you ever want to pm me to get stuff off your chest, please do.

I am thinking of you and I feel for your past and present hurt.:hugs:

Happyone
xx

[bearcrazy]

Hi,

It makes me sooooooo mad when people tell you you have to let things go and move on. Sometimes the things we have been through are with us every minute of everyday. Eventually i have found the hurt does get less, but its still there. As for forgiveness, as a Christian I am told I should not judge them, that is God's job, and I should love my neighbour as myself. Its hard when you don't love yourself because someone has wrecked your life.
I DO know how you feel. Someone suggested that I write a letter to my abuser saying how they have made me feel, I dont have to give it to them, but it could be therapeutic. Maybe you could try this.

:hugs:

[Jimbo]

Hi Ness,

I'm in a very similar place. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which has probably been caused by some of the negative experiences and abuse I had as a child from my father and the path my life took because of that.

I understand how you feel, as for me there are intense emotions towards my Father and I can never truly forgive him for what he did to me, my family and those around me as a kid.

I haven't seen him for over 10 years now.

True 'forgiveness' or 'moving on' from what that person did is something that you have to decide what that means for you. For me, my mind is clear on that, and that makes my life easier to live.

I have learnt to 'move on' from that time to a certain extent. For me I see that part of my life as a history that is best left there, in the past. If I remember or think about those events, it triggers a lot of emotions for me, anger, fear, sadness and despair. Those memories are still there and will probably never leave me, as are those emotions if I spend my time thinking about those memories.

Something I learnt recently was that anger, fear, sadness and misery are emotions that come from memories of the past or worries about the future. True happiness and peace are emotions that can only be experienced in the present, the here and now, in this moment.

It's a complex thing I am trying to explain here. 'Moving on', 'forgiving' or 'getting out of the rut' are analogies that are hard to understand and mean different things for different people. You have to decide what they mean for you.

The important thing is that you want to have a happy life and feel better. That is the goal.

Jim :hugs:

[vernon]

Hi Smudgie, Forgive them? Never ever These are just more DO GOODERS and I really don’t know what makes them think this way, Its most likely they have never had anything bad happen to them. My 22 year old daughter was mugged close to home about 3 years ago (19 then) the police got the people who done it, but was not allowed to question them until a social worker was present as they where 17 and under a social worker, Her keys, driving licence, bank cards etc where all thrown away and never found as they wouldn’t tell the police where they threw them on being questioned all the police got was F--- Off. In my time I am sure the police would have found where I threw the stuff and no way would we have swore at them. They got treated like the victims and I think all they got was a telling off. The police themselves will tell you the system is 100% wrong. Then a week last Saturday at 6am we had a break in our home. All that was taken where keys, They stole my 20 year olds car, It was later found in the canal, He worked hard starting at 6 30am daily just to pay insurance and keep the car on the road he now had to push bike and bus to work, They also stole my other sons spar keys so he had to sell his car for much less than its worth, we also had to have all the house locks changed. All my youngest son has worked for it gone and just dumped in the canal and he and his other brother are quite depressed and think why work hard and do by the law when the criminal gets everything no respect and just gets told off by the courts after? My daughter is still scared of going out and suffers anxiety. Forgive them? Never until the government punishes these people and make them pay for them crimes, and get rid of these stupid do gooders who protect them I will forgive none. TC Vernon

[Jimbo]

Hey Vernon,

I really feel your anger and hate there. I've felt it too for my abuser.


Its most likely they have never had anything bad happen to them

Some of the things that happened to me are unmentionable. My sister suffers from OCD and I have developed a personality disorder, depression, and had the worst time of my life trying to recover from these events. So I have to disagree there.

I'm not saying these people should be protected or treated any better for these crimes they have committed against us. They deserve the punishment and what they get. I also agree that the police are useless. My dad caused us hell and there was nothing we could legally do about it.


My daughter is still scared of going out and suffers anxiety

What I am trying to say is that feeling these negative emotions about past events is not helpful to us. Feeling angry, anxious, depressed are emotions I don't enjoy. Moving on from that is part of recovering.

Does that make sense?

Jim :hugs:

[darkangel]

Hi Ness

All I will add is, to release yourself and set yourself free there comes a time (and it has to be the right time for you - not when someone tells you) where you will feel able to move on. Forgiveness is so hard to do, but Im not sure if you have read any of Louise L Hay's books - its about learning to love YOU.

Ask yourself, "am I prepared to continue the rest of my life allowing someone or some situtation to still haunt me"? Ive struggled for years and lived many years in sheer hell because of an incident that had robbed me of all dignity and worthiness of a human being................but I made a decision 2 years ago that I was still continuing to give them the power. I was the one living in turmoil.............so I practised affirmations and re-learned to love me for myself and appreciate my body. However I cant forgive, but what I have done is written a letter to the person and wrote quite graphically my feelings and what i would like to happen to this person, then I scrunched up the pages and with each twist of the paper my anger got out then I tore it to shreds and disposed of it.


Do what is right for you Ness :flowers:

Luv Darkangel x

[smudgie]

Hi all

Its taken me a long while to read all your replies and re read them and re read them.

you have all been helpful and I respect what you are all saying, I think for a minute I need to think about my reply because i really dont know what to say.
You have all wrote alot of valuable constructive mail, you all have a great way of helping me.

you all have had terrible times and hurt in your lives and i appreciate what you have done for me,thank you.

I think I will think and come back to you.

take care
love to you all
ms ness
xxxxxx

[Pink Princess]

i dont think i would forgive but i can understand that maybe forgiving is someways part of letting go of the past.

what you are left with is a lot greater pain than the abuse itself so it makes it harder to forgive - however if we keep looking back at yesterday with bad feelings we will never have a tomorrow with good feelings xxx

hope your ok and things get better for you xxxxxxxxx

love minnie xxxxxxxxxx

[vernon]

I will not and never will forgive anyone who harms any of my family then get away with it, I also blame do gooders and the governmentfor the way the sytem is. Why would these heartless people ever stop doing these things when they get no punishment and get more help than the victim. I do not let these things get me down nor do they set me back in any way at all. Its just I dont think these people deserve to be forgiven.

[lizzie29]

After being abused as a young child, I was always told that you have to e able to forgive in order to forget. Well, I know I'll never forget what happened. However, I've managed to come to terms with what happened and accept it as a part of my life and my history. I'm not sure if I actually forgive my abuser, but I have come to think that he made a mistake (which everyone does, although maybe not to the same extent) and for me I have had to do this in order to move forward. I used to be very bitter and think "why did he do this to me, he's messed up my life" and since changing my thoughts, I've found that I can deal with the abuse a lot better. I also believe that this has made me a stronger person and more understanding towards those who have problems. I'm not saying that everyone should have the same thought changes as me as everyone and their situation is different; I'm just explaining what helped me, and whether you agree or disagree, I hope it helps to read about someone's experiences and how they managed to cope with being abused.

I don't yet have children, but I think I would find it harder to deal with if my child was abused. My best friend who I could not live without was physically abused by her husband and I feel more anger and resent towards him than I do towards my own abuser. I think maybe it's harder to watch those around you being hurt than it is to be hurt yourself.

I hope this helps in some way, even if only small, and I do hope that things get better for you.

Take care xxx

[Jimbo]

For me, when I first became very ill I had no clue what was going on and why. I didn't relate what was happening to me then, with my past. I thought all that 'stuff' was a long time ago, and I had pushed it all away.

After a lot of counselling and some very difficult times recounting my memories I eventually realised that all that happened in my past that I had pushed away, had been there in the back of my mind all along. Then when other stresses in my life increased my mind reached breaking point. In effect all the extra life stress on top of my history was 'the straw that broke the camels back'.

I know I can never forgive that person for what they did to me however, keeping all those negative emotions locked away without resolution was causing me to not be able to cope with anything else.

I still have that history and those memories, nothing will change that. But I choose to live my life in the present and have learnt to accept that those things happened and I can't change them.

Jim:hugs:

[smudgie]

Hi All

I really do value your comments but im confused, do some of you mean try and forgive yourself and it wasnt your fault or actually forgive the abuser to move on.

My skin is crawling with filth from both of them and perhaps I have along way to goo before i can even go there.
I dont think I could ever imagine forgiving them.

I confronted my abuser last march, went to his house and pushed my way in and shouted at him with all the anger I had in my body. I started to hit him and managed to control him throughout even though he was abig man my temper held him back. I smashed up his place and threatened him withthe police, he said PROVE IT. The police did nothing because it was historical. I do feel I have him suffering but will never forget what he has done to me, its effected everything.

As for my daughters abuser, I also went for him but got ABH for assulting him before he was put on bail , which has effected my daughters case.

my anger will not allow me to forgive but I dont know what to do, it eats away at me all day every day.

Will speak some more soon
thank you
love nessx