I am feeling sad after visit to shrink

[happyone]

I was going to go and ask for hugs, but I will just put out my woes here.

I was at shrink today. I have had a few days that have been a real roller coaster for lots of reasons. I now don't know whether I am coming or going.
I have bipolar. I have known it for ages but never really been convinced.

Today I had appt after group therapy. The therapist asked if she could come in with me. I was a bit surprised, but I said yes.
Basically I have been told that I absolutely, definately no two ways about it have bipolar affective mood disorder. My anger of the past few days, combined with me thinking I am life and soul of a non exsistent party, is clear evidence of a high.I think the therapist came as it is known that I trust her more than anyone else. I think the therapist has picked up on my not believing the shrink so she was there as a form of back up, for me and him.

I have been told that unless I want to get worse, I HAVE to take my meds. It was basically put to me that if I stop taking them, or apparently even worse, stopping and starting, then I WILL get worse. I think they know I am intelligent enough to know what that could mean.

I spoke about the side effects and stuff but again it was put to me, that all meds have risks of side effects, but to have a stable form of life, I have to weigh this up.

Even though I know it, it is still hard the down to earth, no fancy talk way it was put. The shrink has said to me before that I could end up dead with my behaviours but I have refused to believe him.

I have been paranoid that he was trying to get me to accept lithium. Today I am not. He didn't even mention lithium but has instead given me my usual anti psychotic/mood stabiliser and increased it again.

I have been battling with this for ages convincing myself it was just me, I could control it. Yet even I myself have known the past few days that I am overly high or angry. Don't get me wrong, I have been high or angry at appropriate times, but just way out of proprortion for the type of person I am.

Why do I feel so bad, even when I was told this ages ago? Today it feels like it is sinking in all over again. Almost like I have just been diagnosed for the first time.

Happyone
xx

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi HappyOne :)

Maybe you have already answered your own question -
Q: Why do I feel so bad even though I already knew?
A: Because you have BiPolar

Also, not meaning to over-simplify (Please know that I get how complex & difficult your situation may be) but maybe you're hearing:

"If you don't take your meds then you will get worse"

Rather than hearing what is also being said:

"We have medication for you that can make your problem better"

Just a thought. Stay strong, you sound like you want to fight this.
Take Care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

[raphael]

U can have hugs from me. I still come on just to catch up with you but dont post. I really wish you well. I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes to show us the right way to go it is really hard. all best wishes to you x:hugs:

[happyone]

Thank you for that carpediem. So my glass is half empty eh:winks:

You are not over simplifying things. Sometimes it helps if someone outside comes along and says something like you did.
Seriously, thank you.

raphael, You too describe well. Today I said I feel at a mental crossroads, not knowing which way I am going, or even which way I want to.
How are you BTW?

Thank you both:hugs:

Happyone
xx

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi HappyOne :)

I'm glad you understood what I meant, I know how frustrating it can be to get condescending advice/comments. Equally, I know what its like to get swamped with "Back to square one" thinking, so I figured I'd just say it anyway. I'm often helped by people shifting my perspective.... I heard a good one the other day that you might appreciate,

"My glass is half full......

....... of poison"

Ha ha ! Thats me on a bad day for sure!
You sound very calm & zen today, if still a little lost, so I'm sure the universe will guide in the right direction eventually.

Take care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

[happyone]

Carpediem,
I am so calm today I started to fall asleep at my therapy group.:blush:

Thank you, I like it.

Happyone
xx

[Dying_Swan]

Hey Happyone.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. Have a big hug :hugs::hugs::hugs:

I think getting a definitive diagnosis can always be hard to hear. I remember being diagnosed with all this anxiety stuff and finding it hard to believe and accept....but in time the relief sets in that you know what it is and you know you are getting the right treatment for the right condition. Then you can start to make progress and put your life back together :)

It is also difficult having someone tell you all this in no uncertain terms. No mincing words. My therapist once put it very plainly to me, that if I continued doing what I was doing, I would end up dead. I wasn't very keen on that, but it did the job and brought it home to me that I urgently needed to make some changes.

I don't know you from Adam, but from what I have seen on here, you are someone who needs people to be direct and upfront with you. I expect the Shrink has picked up on this and knew it would be the only way to get you to really believe in what he was saying.

Try (if you can - I know it's tough) to see the positive side of this appointment. Anger is not a pleasant thing to be living with daily, especially when it is disproportionate. If you are finally getting the correct treatment, you are a huge step nearer to being a happier happyone :)

Take care xxx

[Piglet]

If you were ill with anything else like a physical illness although you may not like having to take medication you'd realise the good sense behind it and not give it too much thought - this is just the same!!

Who wants to feel worse if by taking the tablets they can feel and be better! Thumbs up for the tablets I'd say! :yesyes:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[happyone]

Swan,

thank you. You are right, I do need people to be plain speaking with me. I really appreciate it. When peopleare plain speaking, like today, although it was hard, I trust him. His words have always had a kind of ambiguouty (sp?) to them. Today, no mincing, I am clear what he see's in the future for me if I don't accept and continue treatment.

I am seeing the positive side of today, but still really sad if that make sense? I have come down to earth with a bit of a bump. Makes me think of the saying 'the higher you climb, the harder you fall' It's a bit true for me just now.
However, I have found the best way for me to treat moods like this is to sleep them away if I can.

You are right too Piglet hun. I think the thing with physical illness is you would get a reminder pretty soon that you were failing in your treatmment. Say diabetes? If you didn't take your insulin you would soon take pretty ill.
With this illness, yes I get ill if I don't take my meds, but part of the depressive part of it is for me to believe it is all my fault. I get ill but can't seem to grasp that it is due to the lack of meds:wacko: I hope I can grasp this, I really do.
When I had PND, I was very ill. I took meds and they were a miracle for me. I seriously believe I would be dead otherwise. But that was acute and meds were like an emergency. This is chronic, rumbling away and rumbling away, so I am not getting the miracle cure.
I think it is like morphine to dull a pain. The effect is immediate and fantastic but it can't be kept up forever. As the pain dulls, you get weaker painkillers, which help....but still leave you in pain for some of the time as only time can help that, or the painkillers need to build up.

I want to be better now! (happyone throws her dummy out of pram!)

Happyone
xx

[Jimbo]

I think it's a good thing that you have had this chat. I have noticed the change in you recently and I have been thinking about you a lot.

It reminds me of my last appointment with the shrink.

I may also have to come to terms with a similar diagnosis on top of what I already have soon.

I also have found myself questioning the medication at times. Yes it has side effects, but what would I be like without it? I think the answer is, that I would be a lot worse off than I am now.

As I have said to you before that I wouldn't want to take Lithium and I understand your fears, however it might be worth considering it or looking at what other options there are. I am not such a fan of quetiapine in high doses, it is after all meant for schizophrenics, and the other effects are side effects, not what it is primarily intended for.

There are so many meds out there that finding the right one is a difficult choice to make for everyone, including your shrink. I'm sure he will want to work with you not against you and come to a decision together.

Have a big hug.

:bighug1:

I know what it feels like to have a serious diagnosis handed to you in no uncertain terms. It's not a prison sentence though and I know you are strong enough to come through this hun.

Jim :hugs:

[happyone]

Thanks Jim:hugs:

I know you understand. I thank you for your truthful speaking

I have noticed the change in you recently and I have been thinking about you a lot.
I really do appreciate you saying things how you see them.
I keep on crying today, but because people are being nice to me!:blush:

I am actually glad today happened as it did. This morning I was so so so close to 'Elizabeth' If I hadn't had group, I believe I would be gone now. I have felt like it before but this morning was just like that last time in every way. I was almost blind to what was around me. It is like white out of the brain. I can't really remeber much of it, only my rage and need to escape. Therapist has said I can phone her if I need to during the week which gives me a lifeline.

I did a silly thing yesterday too. I cancelled my 1-1 counselling assessment appt. If I want to go back on the list, I will have to wait another 10 weeks. To be honest though, I don't think I actually want counselling, I just wanted 1-1 support.

I am on a very wobbly emotional ride just now. I feel at a real emotional crossroads, not knowing what way I am going, what way I should be or even what way I want to. I suppose I want to go forward.

Thanks jim and everyone.
I am going to go to bed soon. If my morning meds were anything to go by, I will be knocked out!

Happyone
xx

[Quirky]

Hi mate,

I can't add alot to what everyone else had said but I realise it must have been hard to hear that today :hugs: Even when deep down we know things it can be hard to have them spelt out like that. I know you appreciate straight talking and honesty though. It was nice of your therpist to be there for you and to say you can call if you need to.

I am so glad you didn't have an Elizabeth episode today, it brought it home to be how bad things must be if you say you don't think you'd be here now if you hadn't had the group today, that is really scary mate. I knew things were bad but I really didn't realise it was that bad for you right now, sorry not picking up on that. If you ever feel that way again then do call someone, shrink, therapist, crisis team, doc - anyone! It worries me that you can feel that way and then maybe one day you will go too far.

I hope when all this sinks in and you've had a think that you can see what the shrink says is for the best mate. I totally understand how hard accepting the meds is though, but in this case the other alternative sounds alot worse to me!

Does he recommend you go back on an anti D or stick with the antipsychotic?

Take care and I hope you sleep well :hugs:

Lisa x

[happyone]

Lisa hunny,
I have just realised how badly worded that was. I am not sure if you picked up wrongly or not.


This morning I was so so so close to 'Elizabeth' If I hadn't had group, I believe I would be gone now.
I didn't mean dead, I just meant 'here'. 'Elizabeth' means that I want to escape with no real plan or care of what I am doing or going. 'Elizabeth' is the equivalent of someone in a blind panic running out into the road.
However, I suppose that is serious enough in itself as it is the switch that means I have 'flipped'
Yesterday made me ralise how attached I still am to the therapist. I think she realises too.



I knew things were bad but I really didn't realise it was that bad for you right now, sorry not picking up on that.
You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. My mind is sometimes a very strange place and I carry on in my normal way and no one would know where I am in my mind. When I am down, it is easier to see from my posts, but when I am like I was over the past few days, it is more difficult to see. Possibly if you saw me in real life, you would see but even then maybe not as I keep so much inside.

I am taking the anti psychotic alone for now at a higher dose with scope to raise more:ohmy:

Thanks hun.

Happyone
xx

[Quirky]

Hi Happyone,

Thanks for explaining that, I may have got it a bit wrong. However I realise that 'Elizabeth' episodes can unintentially lead to you being in danger so that in itself is not good.

It is easier to see things are not good for you when you are down rather than high I agree.

I hope the higher dose of tablets helps :hugs:

Lisa x

[Southern_Belle]

Hi HappyOne,

Maybe this will help. I have thyroid disease. I have to take medication every single day for the rest of my life. It can be fatal if I stop. Now, I get tested regularly (blood tests) to see how my TSH hormone levels are and even though I have had this for about 10 or 11 years they are constantly out of whack. I have to have my medication changed all the time. When my thyroid levels are not even (my real thyroid is dead not working at all - the pills take over for me giving me a metabolisim and so many other things) I can't think straight, I get irritable, very very cold, the list is endless. Probably the worst is my anxiety levels become worse. Hence I can never stop the medication.

I can see no difference between your diagnosis and mine. Neither of us caused it and can stop it. We can; however, control it by taking the meds the doctors have prescribed. They might work at times or have to be tweaked and then we take those and hopefully they will get us back on track. No easy fix but no one said it would be.

I don't have the answer as to why you have bi-polar and I have thyroid problems, we just do. I just thank God we live in the time we do that they have meds for us and can do something for it or quite frankly I would be in quite a mess.

I do hope your new meds kick in soon and you feel better.

A huge :hugs: for you my friend.

Love,

Laura

[happyone]

Thanks Laura hun:hugs:

you are right, I know. I will be starting a new positive thread soon. I think I have an idea of title. Acceptance

Happyone
xx

[Southern_Belle]

great title, love it.

hugs,

Laura

[Quirky]

Love the sound of the new title :yesyes:

:hugs:

Lisa x

[red100]

Hi Happyone,
I've been reading your thread for a months, i just wondered whether you had read the book "An unquiet mind" by Kay Redfield Jamieson - in case you havn't she is a psychiatrist and one of the foremost experts on BP she is also BP herself. The book describes her own battle with taking medication (which she does now) even though she was prescribing it for others and knew all the scientific evidence etc etc. She says that this battle is a very common experience for people with BP and for the psychiatrists treating them. - perhaps you could see your own resistance up to now as a symptom of your illness and fight it just as hard as you do the depression and anxiety? just a thought - anyone its an excellent book if you havnt read it.
good luck
Jackie

[happyone]

Thanks very much for that recommendation red. I think I will have a look on amazon or e bay.
I have just bought a book called 'a brilliant madness' which is by patty duke. I haven't started reading it yet, so not sure how good it is going to be.
Thanks again.

Happyone
xx

[happyone]

jackie,
I have ordered that book!

happyone
xx