Anxiety & Depression from Past Sibling Experimentation

[DaSilva1727]

Hey everyone,

So I've come across some posts on here as well as other sites about sexual experimenting between siblings and cousins.

I myself had my own embarrassing and shameful experience when I was a young-mid aged teenager with my younger brother too (both males, approx. 5 yrs apart). Long story short we were wrestling or playing around and somehow I ended up starting this game where I dry humped/rubbed my body against his in somewhat of a sexual way, plus a little touching/groping. It only happened once or twice and then the urges went away and only after it happened is when I started to realize it was awkward. We're both straight and never been attracted to the same sex but for some reason this happened. The last time it happened he got a little bothered by it so that made me realize that I should stop. Ever since then I've been regretting it so much and feel really depressed about the situation. Over the years its been coming back slowly to haunt me more and more. Nothing but shame, regret and disgust. Sometimes suicidal thoughts come to me as well. I hate myself so much for it and for while I convinced myself that I was some sort of monster.

I honestly don't know what prompted me to do this but at that age I probably wanted to know what being sexual/having sex felt like, yet I was never sexually attracted to my brother. I wasn't even watching porn or masturbating at that age yet and I didn't even know what masturbating was (very socially underdeveloped and sheltered at that age). I'm guessing serious urges through puberty, experimentation, curiosity and lack of control of hormones. My brother and I were very close, and always around each so that might have also led to doing it with him rather then anyone else. Also, I don't remember physically forcing him or threatening him in any way and there was no malicious intent behind it. Looking back at it I wish I never did it but at the time it felt 'normal' and mutual for some reason.

Now I've heard this kind of stuff is somewhat common amongst siblings at a very young age but I'm a little concerned and worried because technically I was not a 'child' anymore. I could have technically been considered a young 'teenager' at the age (can't remember due to how long ago it was). I think I was maybe 14-16yrs of age. My therapist said that this stuff is somewhat common and that although I wasn't a child, mentally and cognitively I was still acting as a kid. Also, because my family was extremely overprotective and sheltering that It could have stunted my overall development and I could have had the mental state of a younger child without realizing it. I also didn't have barely any friends and I was very attached to my brother which could have brought us closer to age in terms of development.

Would anyone have some more insight or personal experience on this type of stuff that could help me understand things better or help with the regret and shame ? And also would it be a good idea to bring it up with my brother ?

I'm thinking of doing it just to apologize and see if he remembers it but that might cause more harm then good. It's never been brought it up yet and he never used it against me. Our relationship is alright at the moment, we talk occasionally and when we do its a pretty positive and friendly interaction. We're not super close as of yet but we're on good terms as compared to years ago and its slowly getting better. It's hard to judge since sometimes he looks really stressed out but his behaviour towards me doesn't seem like he totally hates me so I guess its better then what I think. We've had the typical sibling rivalry growing up like most have had themselves. I just want to make sure he's not affected negatively with what happened and explain to him that it was just stupid kids being curious/experimental and was never done intentionally to hurt him and move on from this whole thing once and for all. I also have anxiety and some OCD symptoms which makes it ten times worse.

Thanks in advance for any insight you may have. I appreciate it !

[ankietyjoe]

I really don't think this is anything to be concerned about. You can have physical sexual feelings at that age and not have any point of reference to attach 'right' or 'wrong' to it. It would have been little different than scratching an itch. As you get a little bit older and begin to understand what those feelings actually mean, it stops.

At 13-14 years old I could have turned myself on accidentally rubbing up against anything, it's just natural.

When I was 14 my cousin and I became very sexual with each other for a brief period (like an hour). We were born 6 days apart so effectively the same age. It all started from something as simple as laughing on the bed. She used to be a bit of a tomboy and I recall playing video games together in her room, it only took one errant touch or trigger for 'sex' to be turned on. Nothing happened, it was just playing, but again...at that age anything can trigger it lol.

[DaSilva1727]

I really don't think this is anything to be concerned about. You can have physical sexual feelings at that age and not have any point of reference to attach 'right' or 'wrong' to it. It would have been little different than scratching an itch. As you get a little bit older and begin to understand what those feelings actually mean, it stops.

At 13-14 years old I could have turned myself on accidentally rubbing up against anything, it's just natural.

When I was 14 my cousin and I became very sexual with each other for a brief period (like an hour). We were born 6 days apart so effectively the same age. It all started from something as simple as laughing on the bed. She used to be a bit of a tomboy and I recall playing video games together in her room, it only took one errant touch or trigger for 'sex' to be turned on. Nothing happened, it was just playing, but again...at that age anything can trigger it lol.

Hey thanks for your reply !

Yeah I can definitely see the sexual thing coming up considering puberty, hormones, curiosity and stuff. Appears to be more common then people like to admit

What scares me a little is that I was a little older (14-16 yrs of age)
which makes me feel like I was too old to know, but at that time I felt like a child who didn't know better due to my strict upbringing and delay in mental development. It was more innocent then anything. No malicious intent behind it

I also knew what I was trying to do (wasn't an accidental thing) but wasn't intentional to abuse, hurt or traumatize my brother in any way. My urges got the best of me and the little "experiment" went on for only a few mins. It was weird after it took place but leading up to it for some reason it just felt like a stupid weird game I wanted to play. My brother didn't seem to be as intrigued as I was which caused me to eventually stop it from happening again in the future. Hopefully he doesn't remember or he isn't affected by it which could lead to suffering. I hear some abuse stories that scare me in terms of how some people turn out later on.

[ankietyjoe]

Like I said, you were just 'scratching an itch'. 14-16 is still incredibly young and there is a significant difference between a 15 year old who has been sheltered and not exposed to any kind of sexual education or experience, and a 17 year old who has been. The fact that it was an isolated incident that you quickly realised was a bit odd, and the remorse you're feeling now means it's simply nothing to worry about. You need to look at this from the perspective of what you knew about sex THEN, not what you know about it now. You were a child then, nothing more.

I certainly don't feel the need to bring it up with your brother unless he does, and then perhaps show him this post as part of your discussion about it.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about at all.

[DaSilva1727]

Like I said, you were just 'scratching an itch'. 14-16 is still incredibly young and there is a significant difference between a 15 year old who has been sheltered and not exposed to any kind of sexual education or experience, and a 17 year old who has been. The fact that it was an isolated incident that you quickly realised was a bit odd, and the remorse you're feeling now means it's simply nothing to worry about. You need to look at this from the perspective of what you knew about sex THEN, not what you know about it now. You were a child then, nothing more.

I certainly don't feel the need to bring it up with your brother unless he does, and then perhaps show him this post as part of your discussion about it.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about at all.

Ahh I see. You're right, it did feel like I was "scratching an itch" because once that itch went away it didn't happen more then once (maybe twice). That makes things a lot more clear. I guess I'm dealing more of a hard time with the "gross" and embarrassing aspect of it which is why I haven't fully accepted it yet. If it was a male to female experiment I guess it wouldn't bother me but since I've never been attracted to the same sex then this type of "gay" incident is bothering me more. I was never sexually attracted to my brother in that sort of way, let alone other males throughout my whole life, but I guess since he was my only sibling that it was the person that I was most comfortable with at that time to "play around". I never had any female family members other then my mother and my aunts.

I started doing a few sessions with a psychotherapist so far so I guess its a work in progress. Going to see a psychologist as well to treat my anxiety and OCD.

Thanks for your insight !