travelgirl77
27-08-18, 17:18
I have had horrible HA ever since I was diagnosed with high BP during my first pregnancy, but it ramped way up after the birth of my second child. Most of the time the HA is about me and 9 times out of 10 it has been cancer that worries me. Recently, however, I have started down the dark path of HA towards my kids. If they complain of anything, I automatically stop eating and start obsessing over what deadly disease it is, rather than thinking it is just a virus. Last week my youngest said flippantly that her eye felt dizzy, which spiraled me out of control as a local girl had recently died from an always fatal brain tumor (DIPG-don't look it up). I hounded her day in and day out about her symptoms...to the point she was so angry with me. She had a well-child visit, her vision was checked, and the doctor kind of brushed it off. She never said anything about it after that first time, other than answering my questions about it and never felt dizzy herself. But, I put it all down to her having this cancer...like it cannot be anything else. I read all of these stories, which were so horrible, and now every morning I wake up with a huge pit in my stomach, thinking I will witness a new change in her today or the school will call that she is sick, and we will get the diagnosis.
I want to believe it is anxiety, but then I had doctors wrong about other things. I want to believe it is anxiety, but what if my intuition is right? Neither of my kids have any symptoms right now, but I am in constant anticipation of the deadly symptoms leading to diagnosis. Like I am on the edge of a cliff, staring into the abyss, and waiting to fall in. Additionally, I am pissed at myself because I do not want to project this on them, which I am sure I have done. I want them to be able to tell me they feel ill without going crazy.
And, just to give some insight, my husband called today and he said, "Man, just wait until we have to start paying for our DD's braces." And, the first thing out of my mouth was, "I hope she lives long enough to get the braces." He was not pleased.
How on earth do you control this? I am worried that if I do not remain vigilant, I will miss something. I cannot imagine a lifetime of checking their vision, asking about their tummies and heads, and any pains they may have, but I also cannot imagine a lifetime of wondering if I had just been more proactive.....Help!
I want to believe it is anxiety, but then I had doctors wrong about other things. I want to believe it is anxiety, but what if my intuition is right? Neither of my kids have any symptoms right now, but I am in constant anticipation of the deadly symptoms leading to diagnosis. Like I am on the edge of a cliff, staring into the abyss, and waiting to fall in. Additionally, I am pissed at myself because I do not want to project this on them, which I am sure I have done. I want them to be able to tell me they feel ill without going crazy.
And, just to give some insight, my husband called today and he said, "Man, just wait until we have to start paying for our DD's braces." And, the first thing out of my mouth was, "I hope she lives long enough to get the braces." He was not pleased.
How on earth do you control this? I am worried that if I do not remain vigilant, I will miss something. I cannot imagine a lifetime of checking their vision, asking about their tummies and heads, and any pains they may have, but I also cannot imagine a lifetime of wondering if I had just been more proactive.....Help!