Znil682
01-09-18, 17:14
Hi everybody. I'm new here and wanted to come and introduce myself. A little bit about me.. I am 36 years old and the proud mom of 2 boys who are 11 and 9. I also have a boyfriend of a year and a half (my boys father and I divorced in 2011) and 2 great soon to be stepkids! (A boy who is 12 and a girl who is 14).
So now a little bit about why I'm here.. I can remember having symptoms of OCD for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I used to have compulsions mostly (handwashing, etc..) but when I turned 16 the obsessions started coming in.. and they would always center around the most important people in my life, which at that time was my dad. My parents divorced when I was about 13 and my dad got full custody of me and my brother with my mom having every other weekend visitations. My mom and I never had a great relationship as I was growing up.. ive always been a daddy's girl for sure!. I think I had a fear of losing my dad and one of my obsessions was having to wish for something bad to happen to him to make sure it wouldn't happen.. it scared me beyond belief! But every time he'd come to pick me up from work after I'd wish it, I'd feel better cause I know it didn't happen. Little did I know what I was going through..
In 2007 when my first son was born, that's when my obsessions got worse.. my obsessions now turned to harming thoughts as well as the "wishing" thoughts to him.. it got so bad one day that I drove myself to the hospital to try to have myself admitted.. and that was when I finally figured out what I have been dealing with this whole time had a name and I was finally officially diagnosed with OCD and GAD. I was never admitted and told I was not a threat to myself or my son. But of course that helped for a little while but not permenatly.. but I kept pushing through!
I had my 2nd son in 2009 and have dealt with relapses of my OCD on and off ever since. I had a relapse in 2012 and then actually just had another relapse about a month ago.. and I'm having a REALLY tough time dealing with it :(. In 2009, after I had my 2nd son, we had found that there was one medication that worked GREAT for me, which was Abilify (by itself). I would even call it my miracle pill.. so a month ago when my symptoms returned and I told my doctors about it, they weren't hesitant at all to send in a prescription for the Abilify.. only this time it did not work and actually made my anxiety worse!. Every night I'd deal with horrible insomnia and waking up confused and woke up one night in a huge panic attack and could not stop shaking.. my boyfriend rubbed my back until I finally fell asleep but the amount of fear that it gave me that night, my Dr told me to come right off it. So now I'm trying other meds :/.
I think the hardest part about dealing with my diagnosis are the intrusive thoughts and the fear of going crazy.. I have a huge fear of going crazy and it makes me almost bedridden all day. This relapse has been very hard to deal with.. especially now knowing the medicine that worked wonders for me before, no longer does.. BUT I do keep pushing through, I try my best to stay positive about the future and I am currently under the supervision of my doctor and a therapist to start some CBT, so I'm definitely taking the right steps and that makes me feel good.
Hoping to get to know everybody here. I am a big google'er when I go into a panic attack and this site always comes up so I thought why not join!. Looking forward to bringing some support to others as well as getting some support ☺️
So now a little bit about why I'm here.. I can remember having symptoms of OCD for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I used to have compulsions mostly (handwashing, etc..) but when I turned 16 the obsessions started coming in.. and they would always center around the most important people in my life, which at that time was my dad. My parents divorced when I was about 13 and my dad got full custody of me and my brother with my mom having every other weekend visitations. My mom and I never had a great relationship as I was growing up.. ive always been a daddy's girl for sure!. I think I had a fear of losing my dad and one of my obsessions was having to wish for something bad to happen to him to make sure it wouldn't happen.. it scared me beyond belief! But every time he'd come to pick me up from work after I'd wish it, I'd feel better cause I know it didn't happen. Little did I know what I was going through..
In 2007 when my first son was born, that's when my obsessions got worse.. my obsessions now turned to harming thoughts as well as the "wishing" thoughts to him.. it got so bad one day that I drove myself to the hospital to try to have myself admitted.. and that was when I finally figured out what I have been dealing with this whole time had a name and I was finally officially diagnosed with OCD and GAD. I was never admitted and told I was not a threat to myself or my son. But of course that helped for a little while but not permenatly.. but I kept pushing through!
I had my 2nd son in 2009 and have dealt with relapses of my OCD on and off ever since. I had a relapse in 2012 and then actually just had another relapse about a month ago.. and I'm having a REALLY tough time dealing with it :(. In 2009, after I had my 2nd son, we had found that there was one medication that worked GREAT for me, which was Abilify (by itself). I would even call it my miracle pill.. so a month ago when my symptoms returned and I told my doctors about it, they weren't hesitant at all to send in a prescription for the Abilify.. only this time it did not work and actually made my anxiety worse!. Every night I'd deal with horrible insomnia and waking up confused and woke up one night in a huge panic attack and could not stop shaking.. my boyfriend rubbed my back until I finally fell asleep but the amount of fear that it gave me that night, my Dr told me to come right off it. So now I'm trying other meds :/.
I think the hardest part about dealing with my diagnosis are the intrusive thoughts and the fear of going crazy.. I have a huge fear of going crazy and it makes me almost bedridden all day. This relapse has been very hard to deal with.. especially now knowing the medicine that worked wonders for me before, no longer does.. BUT I do keep pushing through, I try my best to stay positive about the future and I am currently under the supervision of my doctor and a therapist to start some CBT, so I'm definitely taking the right steps and that makes me feel good.
Hoping to get to know everybody here. I am a big google'er when I go into a panic attack and this site always comes up so I thought why not join!. Looking forward to bringing some support to others as well as getting some support ☺️