How to disassociate from bad experiences...

[Munki]

I'm looking to re-visit something from my past, but last time had a very negative experience.

I trained as an actress and spent several years auditioning for various things. However, I went through major depression and anxiety during the last few years which has tainted the whole experience.

I now have an opportunity to have a new agent and attend auditions again. I've already decided that it'd be on very different terms this time, but I don't want to miss out on it due to an association with the past. I'm worried that I might do this.

Can anyone advise?

[Suziewuzie]

I disassociate by accident & then can't bring myself back so I'm fascinated by the idea that someone could do it on purpose! I'll be following this thread :D

[MyNameIsTerry]

Is it that you feel you fail? Or that you won't cope now you have anxiety/depression to handle alongside things?

[ankietyjoe]

Is the bad experience the ensuing anxiety and depression, or something that happened during the time you were attending auditions?

[Munki]

Thanks for the responses.

I remember the anxiety taking place at the same time but whether it was connected or not, I can’t say. However, in true classic style, my mind has attached the emotion to the existential situation. Maybe it does come from a fear of failure. I think it may even be a fear of success, will it turn my life upside down?

The point is, I can choose how far to take things. My main concern is holding back now because im scared of the previous association.

Am I best to realise that it didn’t work for me and possibly triggered that anxiety so walk away? Or do I try, and risk it?

[ankietyjoe]

To be honest I'm not sure if it's a good idea to make any attachment to any part of the experience, as far as anxiety goes. It's very easy to over complicate the reasons for anxiety, and in turn over complicate the solution to anxiety. I was just wondering if there was something specific that happened during an audition that triggered something.

I don't think it's a fear of success or failure.

The thing to focus on now is the sensation of anxiety. This is what most people fear the most. So once anxiety starts, it becomes a fear of itself. You mention that you scared of the previous association with what happened in the past.

The best way to approach is to simply shrug off the possibility of that feeling re-appearing again. In CBT you'd be asked the question 'so what if it appears again?'

You say risk....risk of what? You might feel anxious? Well that passes, so what's the big deal?

It's easier said than done, but with anxiety you kinda have to carry on regardless to stop it becoming a disorder rather than a single experience.

I would imagine careers such as acting carry the possibility of a lot of rejection, disappointment and even self critique. It's easy for this to turn into a problem, and maybe that's what happened to you? The fact that you've gone through a dark time and come back looking for more suggests that it's a passion as much as a career choice. It's not something I would pass up on because there is the possibility of anxiety and depression happening again. You'll probably find you're far more capable of recognising what happened to you before.

I would suggest starting meditation on a daily basis. The main thing you can take from meditation is that it allows you to process thoughts without creating associations and judgements about them. Things simply 'are'. I think it would help a great deal, especially with somebody who appears to think deeply about things.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Then rather be a fear of failure or fear of success it could be a fear or change. Fear of the unknown. The subconscious says it's best to sit in the now and better the devil you know. Fight or flight. But part of flight is avoidance of things we fear too. The subconscious wants to control those unknowns to keep us safe.

It's been one of my constant battles ever since my GAD started as it's largely around this issue.

The hard part is it's often exposure and repetition that is needed to conquer these things so our confidence grows and our "bubble" expands. Start to avoid and the bubble shrinks. That's been my experience anyway.

Are you who you were back then? Are you in a better place? Do you have more ability to control these situations to allow yourself to decide whether you want to push on, change strategy or walk away?

What you are saying is the same as anyone who has been off sick with anxiety, is looking for another job who has anxiety or many other life challenges which bring stress to any person regardless of these disorders e.g. get married, buy a house, etc. Was it the same with your snowboarding holidays recently?

If anxiety is sever then the situation changes because the focus has to be on health and that may mean we aren't ready for some challenges. If you feel you are in a decent place then it's a question about whether it will be overwhelming and you will spiral back down to the place you never want to go to again.

But you seem to be saying you have more say this time and that makes me think you can phase yourself in.