I feel so broken.. I just can't beat my fears..

[Shadowhawk]

So, like most here, I am feeling like I am just stuck in a vicious cycle, and I just don't know how to break put of it. My biggest worry has been my heart, and associated diagnosis.. and my mind is still stuck on what I read in googling vs what the doctor said. I have my follow up with him again this week, so I hope I can truly try to quash my fears.

But beyond that, I know if it's not that, something else will come around. My doctor is still following my liver levels, so I have the fear my liver is shot too. And my eye pressure has always been high, and so I fear going blind (as my mind says, if I even live that long). The cherry on top is my ongoing back and abdominal pain, which I am more calm about, but gets so wearing over time.

But along with the anxiety, I am feeling so much regret and sadness. I regret all my mistakes I have made, and not being better for my daughter. And I already feel bad thinking about what I will miss in my daughter's life (honestly, my mind is not convinced I will see her into adult years). Literally, I am already regretting missing things I haven't missed.

I know no one call tell me the future, or say anything to snap me out of it (well, if you have magic words, let me know...). My therapist is helping, but I slip majorly between visits. And my drugs... I still take em, but I don't think they are helping. More than anything, I guess I just hope I can talk to the friendly voices I have really come to respect here.. and maybe just fine some solice in not being crazy alone..

[lucymarie]

Shadow I wish I knew what to tell you to make things better. But please know you aren’t alone. :hugs: It’s an awful way to live and there is no quick fix. Yes we can all tell each other to seek help, but what do you say when you are doing that and still don’t feel any better. I genuinely don’t think I will ever be free of this demon and that’s a terrifying thought.

I will say though, regret is mostly a useless emotion, much like worry. Both have their places of course, either to prevent you from repeating a mistake or to protect you from harm. But in someone with HA they are the equivalent of a chocolate teapot.

I really want to be able to give you some words of advice but I don’t know myself anymore. :sad:

[Shadowhawk]

Shadow I wish I knew what to tell you to make things better. But please know you aren’t alone. :hugs: It’s an awful way to live and there is no quick fix. Yes we can all tell each other to seek help, but what do you say when you are doing that and still don’t feel any better. I genuinely don’t think I will ever be free of this demon and that’s a terrifying thought.

I will say though, regret is mostly a useless emotion, much like worry. Both have their places of course, either to prevent you from repeating a mistake or to protect you from harm. But in someone with HA they are the equivalent of a chocolate teapot.

I really want to be able to give you some words of advice but I don’t know myself anymore. :sad:

I know, and I appreciate all the support and kindnesses, more than I can show. I really hate knowing other good people are dealing with this.. this is a hell I would wish on very few people. And I totally understand what you mean.. I fear this will be on my shoulder for good.

The regret is brutal right now, and off the chart. Since I am so afraid of my current condition, deep regret has bloomed right alongside.. Time wasted, things I should have done differently, and things I have convinced myself I wont already be there for. I agree, it's a waste, and yet as much as I acknowledged it, I am still consumed by it.

Believe me.. I wish I could tell you what I need to hear.. frankly, I don't know myself. But the kindness is huge, and knowing I am not alone is at least a start. I somehow have to come to terms with my whole situation, but I don't know how to do that. Maybe if I can help others at least? I dunno...

[Shadowhawk]

So, the other thing that is getting me right now, is i feel like i am stuck in a cycle of doctors and tests, and i cannot escape it. I acknowledge that others have it far, far worse than me, and i even hate myself for being annoyed at a "modest" schedule. At the same time, for me, things are just frequent enough that i can't seem to get enough time to take a break, and let my "hair" (sorry, i am bald, but... ) down.

This last month, i had:
2x Therapist visits
1x Primary Care (for my Zoloft)
1x Cardiology (General worries and med refill)
2x Eye doctors (because of my aniscoria i had noted)
3x Derm (mole biopsy, excision, and stitches removal)
1x Urgent care (stitches might have been infected...)

This month, i have:
2x Therapist visits
2x blood draws (one BMP for Primary and cardio, one CBC/CMP for Gastro)
1x Primary Care (1 month follow up)
1x Cardiology (Med refill follow up (which i will use to try to ease my fears....again))
1x Gastro (Follow up on abdominal pain and liver enzymes).

And next month, i get to redo the CBC/CMP for the primary care for my regular followup in January (thyroid meds), and i have another Cardio follow up in Dec (and who knows what if any new tests they will want there). No idea if the Gastro will schedule more (i like to think my diet and weight loss will have helped my liver, but that's a whole other bag of worries....), and i know i have a 6 month Derm follow up thrown in there for good measure.

I acknowledge much of this came about because of my worries.. but now, in some way, it feels like the docs won't let me go, and since i do have some level of health problems (be them life threatening like my HA says, or treatable like my docs say), i can't just blow the docs off completely. And with every blood draw comes a new wave of worry that THIS test will be off, and show something critical, and i will get horrible news.

Between my divorce and the madness of this year, I haven't had a solid vacation in 2 years, and even that is weighing on me (i know.. poor me). I wish i could just step away from troubles and daily grinds (not my daughter though) for a week and just.... live. But with another test and visit always looming, i feel like i never can.

Anyway, just more bitching... sorry for rambling on.. :-/

[Shadowhawk]

Well, for anyone ststill interested and reading...

Followed up with the GP today, and reported honestly that that the Zoloft does he has me on is ineffective (given that I am still... STILL worried about the severity of my heart condition), and agreed that a psychiatrist should be brought in to help. So, I have a list to go over, and will start that process. I really hope this doesn't destroy my career and clearance, but in the end... Health comes first.

In the meantime, I follow up with my cardiologist tomorrow following my medicine increase, and I know I will ask him some profoundly stupid questions, but ones that I need to hear answers to regardless. Like, does he think I have a chance to live to 40... (My anxiety won't let me believe his words that I shouldn't lose sleep over this... It's brutal).

On the plus side, I am now walking 2.5-3 miles non stop during lunch, making sure to get my heart rate up, and the improved diet continues. Maybe one day I will beat this... Someday...

[ankietyjoe]

You're fighting an imaginary problem, which means you cannot fight it.

As simple as it sounds, you just have to stop googling and redirect your thoughts every time you think 'the worst'.

This is a problem in your mind, created by you, and the habits you are undertaking to feed the problem. Health anxiety is a paradox as much as anything else. You check google for symptoms to relieve your worries, which in turn just feeds the worries.

If you had any kind of heart problem it would have been detected by now, period.

You are going for walks (congratulations on that!) which is step one. Step two is to stop the habitual checking.

If you don't stop doing that, you WILL continue to suffer. There is absolutely zero chance of recovering from health anxiety as long as you keep checking for something that isn't there.

[Shadowhawk]

You're fighting an imaginary problem, which means you cannot fight it.

As simple as it sounds, you just have to stop googling and redirect your thoughts every time you think 'the worst'.

This is a problem in your mind, created by you, and the habits you are undertaking to feed the problem. Health anxiety is a paradox as much as anything else. You check google for symptoms to relieve your worries, which in turn just feeds the worries.

If you had any kind of heart problem it would have been detected by now, period.

You are going for walks (congratulations on that!) which is step one. Step two is to stop the habitual checking.

If you don't stop doing that, you WILL continue to suffer. There is absolutely zero chance of recovering from health anxiety as long as you keep checking for something that isn't there.
You are right, but the worry is I do have some level of problem.

I have already been told by my doctor that I have mild left ventricular hypertrophy, and grade 1 diastolic dysfunction. While I haven't googled it for a while, when I did, led me down the worst rabbit hole I have been in. Reading about it being heart failure and how heart failure will kill me in a few years.. it was brutal.

My doctor has already told me it's not, but my cognitive distortion makes me believe the worse news over the positive reinforcement from the doctor. He isn't telling me the whole story, or down playing it to not scare me, etc....I know it's stupid.

So, since I know I have some measure of problem, my mind has completely blown it up (thank you WebMD...), and it is hard getting a grip at this point.

[ankietyjoe]

One thing I have noticed is that in the US, Doctors seem to be a lot more trigger happy with diagnosis of very mild conditions. I think this is simply because of the insurance based healthcare system you have over there.

There is simply no way a Doctor would downplay a condition or hide the truth from a patient, it leaves them open to almost limitless financial loss later on as patients would inevitably sue down the line. Let alone the moral and professional responsibility they have to adhere to. They are trained for, and used to giving people bad news when they have to.

Heart conditions are amongst the most treatable of the things we worry about, especially if the patient is taking care of themselves as well. If you exercise and watch what you eat, there is very little risk of anything you have been diagnosed with actually causing a problem.

This still leaves your reaction to the condition, in that you are constantly fearing the worst. The biggest mistake we ever make is researching our own symptoms. Almost anything you feel can be attributed to something fatal if you look hard enough. Leave the diagnosis to the medical professionals, and if they don't feel there's anything to worry about then repeat what they said to yourself over and over again.

[Shadowhawk]

One thing I have noticed is that in the US, Doctors seem to be a lot more trigger happy with diagnosis of very mild conditions. I think this is simply because of the insurance based healthcare system you have over there.

There is simply no way a Doctor would downplay a condition or hide the truth from a patient, it leaves them open to almost limitless financial loss later on as patients would inevitably sue down the line. Let alone the moral and professional responsibility they have to adhere to. They are trained for, and used to giving people bad news when they have to.

Heart conditions are amongst the most treatable of the things we worry about, especially if the patient is taking care of themselves as well. If you exercise and watch what you eat, there is very little risk of anything you have been diagnosed with actually causing a problem.

This still leaves your reaction to the condition, in that you are constantly fearing the worst. The biggest mistake we ever make is researching our own symptoms. Almost anything you feel can be attributed to something fatal if you look hard enough. Leave the diagnosis to the medical professionals, and if they don't feel there's anything to worry about then repeat what they said to yourself over and over again.

In bold - That is really what i need to keep reinforcing in my mind. I know that no doctor serves a patient or trust by being anything less than honest (or over cautious). My doctors have raised the concerns they have, but haven't said i need to start making fianl preparations either (more on that in a second).

In italic - That is a fair point too.. it is the one organ that can directly, positively respond to exercise (which is what i am doing). Diet helps all, but all my working out IS working out my heart and helping it too.

In underline - That is perhaps the most important point in all this. Everything can be life ending, and i do need to keep fighting the worry and trust their word. To that point, I threw out my ultimate question.. can I make it to 40 with my condition?

His response: Double that.

Me: 50?

Him: (chuckling) Try 70-80..

(Yes, I seriously suck at math... :whistles:)

He did add a second BP meds (a calcium channel blocker) since I am still not getting as low as he would like. And it can cause some mild edema.. But I'll take it off it helps.. He at least was happy with the rest of the progress.. the weight loss and exercise are right on for him.

More than anything, he is most concerned about my disproportionate anxiety... Can't argue with that. He suggested turning my heart rate monitor off, as that alone is an anxiety point.. can't argue with that either.

I have trust issues in general, and i need to accept what he has said multiple times now, and that with work i will be ok, and can live a full life. And actually get back to living my damn life too..

[ankietyjoe]

Right, so the Doctor has pretty much confirmed that your 'condition' is something to be mindful of, but not something that puts you in any short or long term danger.

So, you switch off the heart monitor, don't check your pulse and absolutely don't look anything up on the internet for a week, and see how you feel.

Every time you get the urge to do so, remind yourself of this post and the advice your Doctor has given. Tell yourself that there is NO danger.

I know it's possible because I've been down exactly the same road as you, and it's a horrible road. A combination of just stopping myself from checking and starting exercise cured my health anxiety 100%, and I was obsessively focused on my heart too. I also meditate every day, which is akin to wizard magic.

[Shadowhawk]

Right, so the Doctor has pretty much confirmed that your 'condition' is something to be mindful of, but not something that puts you in any short or long term danger.

So, you switch off the heart monitor, don't check your pulse and absolutely don't look anything up on the internet for a week, and see how you feel.

Every time you get the urge to do so, remind yourself of this post and the advice your Doctor has given. Tell yourself that there is NO danger.

I know it's possible because I've been down exactly the same road as you, and it's a horrible road. A combination of just stopping myself from checking and starting exercise cured my health anxiety 100%, and I was obsessively focused on my heart too. I also meditate every day, which is akin to wizard magic.

While I would say it is a valid condition (not really needing ''), your point is valid.. Its not putting me in danger right now (assuming I stay on the right path).

You have the same idea as him; turn off the heart rate, and just use the GPS tracking to avoid the constant anxiety of watching my HR bounce around in the day. He is happy with my rates, and doesn't need me watching them all the time.

I have been good about not googling it, but the terrifying articles have stuck with me quite well. But, I am making a constant effort, especially after today, to remind myself that what the doc says goes, and he knows better than a random website. HE KNOWS BETTER.

I do want to start meditating more, and I know it would do me good. Lord knows in general my life throws enough at me, taking some time away from things is a good thing..

[ankietyjoe]

Sorry my inverted commas weren't meant to imply that the condition wasn't real! :)

What I discovered in my battle with heart related anxiety, is that I expected my heart rate to stay where I expected it to stay at all times during the day, which was unrealistic. I had no historical evidence or experience to suggest that what it was doing now was any different to what it had done for the last 35 years, because I wasn't interested back then. It got to the point where I would climb a flight of stairs and then discover that OMG MY HEART RATE IS 135BPM I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE!!!!!!

But guess what, that's what it's supposed to do. When you behave that way 20 times a day for several months, you build a serious problem in your mind that's hard to let go of. I had effectively created a problem in my mind that simply did not exist in reality. The same thing can be done by checking symptoms online, or even telling yourself that the Doctor has missed something, is hiding something, doesn't want to tell me the bad news etc etc etc.

I genuinely believe you are doing all the right things, but it takes time. It took months/years to get to a bad place, and it'll probably takes months/years to get out again, but that's cool. As long as you keep practising.

And as far as meditation goes, it's just magic. I know I sound fanatical about it sometimes, but it's so effective at dealing with anxiety. It allowed me to sit with the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had in my life and just let it happen. I recall adrenaline firing over and over again, ,my heart was pounding at over 140bpm....and I was just calm. My mind was calm....and therefore my body became calm too....eventually. As you keep practising that, your entire CNS eventually learns not to behave that way any more.

Put it this way, a year ago I didn't go anywhere with my children during the summer break, I was a physical and mental wreck. I was better than a year before, but still not ready. Last week however, I went swimming with them in a busy childrens pool. I went up and down the stairs on the big slides, I swam, I jumped around and I stayed there for two hours. No reaction.

I still haven't been back to Legoland yet...but soon.....:D


The point here.....persistent practice. It works over time.

[lucymarie]

I have to agree with Joe, one of the main things I've learnt in therapy so far is to sit with your anxiety. It sounds so terrifying and foreign and our inability to do it is part of the reason we are in this pickle. But after trying it for just a few days, yes it's horrible at first but then the panic does pass and yes you are still anxious and the thoughts are still present - but the unbearable physical side diminishes. Whereas if you cave and google in a vain attempt to make yourself feel better, you just prolong it because you read scary stuff. Acting on the anxiety actually increases it and continues the cycle. I don't personally like meditation but it's a similar concept and lots of people get alot of benefit from it :)

[ankietyjoe]

I don't personally like meditation but it's a similar concept and lots of people get alot of benefit from it :)

Out of interest, what don't you like about it?

[lucymarie]

Out of interest, what don't you like about it?

I find it very uncomfortable to sit with my thoughts with no background distraction. I always have done even before my HA. I also get very restless. It's just not for me personally :)

[ankietyjoe]

I find it very uncomfortable to sit with my thoughts with no background distraction. I always have done even before my HA. I also get very restless. It's just not for me personally :)

Ah ok.

There are other ways of achieving similar results. My partner can't meditate because she has a history of trauma and suffers with DID (very invasive and serious condition). What she does is go for mindful walks. I tried it too and I find that way of doing it more difficult, but it definitely achieves similar results. There are also other forms of meditation, chanting and focusing on a visual object, but I find those harder too. I think as long as you're redirecting your mind away from undesirable thoughts and feelings and towards something else, it will be effective.

[Shadowhawk]

Sorry my inverted commas weren't meant to imply that the condition wasn't real! :)

What I discovered in my battle with heart related anxiety, is that I expected my heart rate to stay where I expected it to stay at all times during the day, which was unrealistic. I had no historical evidence or experience to suggest that what it was doing now was any different to what it had done for the last 35 years, because I wasn't interested back then. It got to the point where I would climb a flight of stairs and then discover that OMG MY HEART RATE IS 135BPM I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE!!!!!!

But guess what, that's what it's supposed to do. When you behave that way 20 times a day for several months, you build a serious problem in your mind that's hard to let go of. I had effectively created a problem in my mind that simply did not exist in reality. The same thing can be done by checking symptoms online, or even telling yourself that the Doctor has missed something, is hiding something, doesn't want to tell me the bad news etc etc etc.

I genuinely believe you are doing all the right things, but it takes time. It took months/years to get to a bad place, and it'll probably takes months/years to get out again, but that's cool. As long as you keep practising.

And as far as meditation goes, it's just magic. I know I sound fanatical about it sometimes, but it's so effective at dealing with anxiety. It allowed me to sit with the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had in my life and just let it happen. I recall adrenaline firing over and over again, ,my heart was pounding at over 140bpm....and I was just calm. My mind was calm....and therefore my body became calm too....eventually. As you keep practising that, your entire CNS eventually learns not to behave that way any more.

Put it this way, a year ago I didn't go anywhere with my children during the summer break, I was a physical and mental wreck. I was better than a year before, but still not ready. Last week however, I went swimming with them in a busy childrens pool. I went up and down the stairs on the big slides, I swam, I jumped around and I stayed there for two hours. No reaction.

I still haven't been back to Legoland yet...but soon.....:D


The point here.....persistent practice. It works over time.

Man oh man... Your post literally could have been written by me. I have gone through the EXACT same issues with my heart rate and stairs (though, I was thinking that it meant heart failure.. cause you know, the internet.. lol). And I have made it even worse now, by worrying if my resting heart rate is too low; so I cover the spectrum in the same day of too high AND low.. weeeeeeee

You said it perfectly.. it took me years to get here, and it will take me years to get out of. But at least I can take the mindset of hope that I still have time TO get out of it.

I am still working on the meditation.. I actually do have the problem of being alone in my head can lead to the anxiety getting worse, rather than better..



I have to agree with Joe, one of the main things I've learnt in therapy so far is to sit with your anxiety. It sounds so terrifying and foreign and our inability to do it is part of the reason we are in this pickle. But after trying it for just a few days, yes it's horrible at first but then the panic does pass and yes you are still anxious and the thoughts are still present - but the unbearable physical side diminishes. Whereas if you cave and google in a vain attempt to make yourself feel better, you just prolong it because you read scary stuff. Acting on the anxiety actually increases it and continues the cycle. I don't personally like meditation but it's a similar concept and lots of people get alot of benefit from it :)

I really have held well to not googling.. its just that the scary pages were burned into my mind.

I have tried sitting with it, but when I was convinced it was going to take me in just a few years, I fell into the spiral of regret and sadness, and wishing I had done things differently. it was brutal. I am hoping the confirmation of good news (or at least, not so dire news) can help me get back into a better place.