Scottyboy
07-09-18, 00:27
Hi everyone
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Bit of background - I have general anxiety disorder. I worry way too much and my worries tend to morph and change everyday. I essentially swap one for the other. I have done some somatic body work and CBT. Somatic body work has helped me relax immensely but I can’t kick the catastrophic and compulsive thinking. I’m trying to do Cbt for that. I have also had every worry possible including rabies, cancer, als, etc.
Which brings me to today. I was at my parents house in a small town and I saw a black speck on the floor. When I saw it I thought it was a mouse poop (now that I think about it it was probably a rock) which sent me off into a downward spiral. It really was a new low for me. I started checking every corner of the house for more mouse poop compulsively. I ended up in a closet where I saw some dust with some dead ants and other black specks which I’m quite confident we’re not mouse poops. It was dark. I didn’t disturb the dust and I actually held my breath while I hunched over and looked at it with my flashlight. I kept going back to it and looking to double check that it wasn’t mouse poop. I am confident that it wasn’t but my mind won’t let it go. There was no evidence of mouse poop or even a deer mouse for that matter. But of course my brain is convinced “oh what if you are wrong and one of those black specks in the dust was a deer mouse poop and you actually disturbed some dust bunnies that shot up into the air and you breathed in- now you have hantavirus!” It’s a rural town and they live in a nice modern house so I doubt they even have mice let alone a deer mouse that is infected.
Yes as I write it out it sounds ridiculous. Even as I type it out it sounds so crazy.
I don’t know why I was doing this (looking for trouble - looking for something to worry about trying to protect myself and being hypervigilant). It was really a new low for me. I’m now stuck dwelling on this - I feel a mixture of embarrassment and shame and even a bit of worry/fear. My mind keeps beating me up over it. Like I have to wait for 6 weeks to pass to know I’m in the clear while At the same time I feel so stupid having gone out looking for trouble.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Bit of background - I have general anxiety disorder. I worry way too much and my worries tend to morph and change everyday. I essentially swap one for the other. I have done some somatic body work and CBT. Somatic body work has helped me relax immensely but I can’t kick the catastrophic and compulsive thinking. I’m trying to do Cbt for that. I have also had every worry possible including rabies, cancer, als, etc.
Which brings me to today. I was at my parents house in a small town and I saw a black speck on the floor. When I saw it I thought it was a mouse poop (now that I think about it it was probably a rock) which sent me off into a downward spiral. It really was a new low for me. I started checking every corner of the house for more mouse poop compulsively. I ended up in a closet where I saw some dust with some dead ants and other black specks which I’m quite confident we’re not mouse poops. It was dark. I didn’t disturb the dust and I actually held my breath while I hunched over and looked at it with my flashlight. I kept going back to it and looking to double check that it wasn’t mouse poop. I am confident that it wasn’t but my mind won’t let it go. There was no evidence of mouse poop or even a deer mouse for that matter. But of course my brain is convinced “oh what if you are wrong and one of those black specks in the dust was a deer mouse poop and you actually disturbed some dust bunnies that shot up into the air and you breathed in- now you have hantavirus!” It’s a rural town and they live in a nice modern house so I doubt they even have mice let alone a deer mouse that is infected.
Yes as I write it out it sounds ridiculous. Even as I type it out it sounds so crazy.
I don’t know why I was doing this (looking for trouble - looking for something to worry about trying to protect myself and being hypervigilant). It was really a new low for me. I’m now stuck dwelling on this - I feel a mixture of embarrassment and shame and even a bit of worry/fear. My mind keeps beating me up over it. Like I have to wait for 6 weeks to pass to know I’m in the clear while At the same time I feel so stupid having gone out looking for trouble.