isolated

[maz]

Hi all, I find it really difficult to go anywhere. Its not the going out its the bumping into people, those who I know and those I dont. I know I am not important enough that people would talk about me, I just feel they are thinking how horrible I look or how pathetic I look. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted, I sit and think and feel vile. The odd time I do allow myself to be in a social setting I have nothing worthwhile to say. This has worsened gradually over the last 18 months. Before I became ill I was a HR advisor and a trainer and although I used to suffer with confidence I used to be able to wear a mask and this enabled me to be competent in my job. Now I have the concentration of a slug and panic if I find myself speaking to people. I just do not go out and avoid people as much as I can
Maria x

[northern_sky]

Hi Maz :) I feel isolated too. I hate bumping into people especially people I knew from school (even though it was ages ago) etc. :) Can I just say you're not vile I can tell from just your post that you are not. :) :winks:

[smudgie]

Hi

Im really sorry you feel the way you do it must be very difficult for you and my heart goes out to you.

i dont like being around people because i believe they dont like me, I used to wear a mask every day to work but in the end the mask slipped off and I could no longer cope anymore.

sending you a big hug:hugs: take care
ness

[maz]

Thanks to you both. I am told that its all in my head but that is so difficult to believe, sometimes I find it difficult to carry on and wonder where it will end. I am so low and so miserable and so so so tired. sorry for being such a self indulgent so and so
Mariaxx

[northern_sky]

You're not being self indulgent :) a lot of the people in this forum feel miserable I expect, I certainly do when my anxiety is bad.

[bearcrazy]

HI Maz,
((((((((((((((((((((((((:hugs: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sorry to hear that you feel so bad about yourself at the moment. I used to feel the same and wouldnt go out anywhere without my husband or a friend in tow. I know that I need to work on my self esteem, because If I feel bad about myself and dont like myself how will others be able to like me.
I try telling mtself that if other people dont like what they see then its their problem not mine, but it is hard. I am due to have some CBT again soon and I hope that we will be able to work on this.
:hugs: TC xxxxxxx

[rosepetal]

I understand some of how that is. I am isolated too. I cannot bear people I don't know looking at me. I feel so ... ugly, an outsider.

[maz]

Thanks everyone for reassuring me that I am not the only one who feels like this
Mariaxxx

[Nibbles]

Just a little thought Maz which probably sounds silly but have you ever tried standing in front of the mirror saying positive comments outloud? Apparently this is suppost to help retrain the brains thinking.

Take care,

Mike

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi Maz :)

I can really empathise with how you feel - I still work in Personnel & as you know its often a steady stream of new faces (all of whom I assume must look at me & only see my grotesque features) especially this time of year as a lot of our younger employees are leaving to go to university so we are interviewing to replace them, so its a dodgy few months for me. I think I'm the only person who is greatful for the crappy August weather as usually I also have to contend with panic sweats being heightened by the heat of summer too but at least that isn't a problem right now. (woo-hoo, I found a silver lining!)
I don't know how long you've been feeling like this but you sound like you're in the early stages & don't sound like you're reveiving any therapy (or its not helping you much right now) So I definitely think you should try talking to your GP if you haven't already. Avoiding going out because of the way you feel can be a slippery slope as you start to reinforce the ideas that people will respond negatively to you. Try to get some professional help asap or while you're online, research Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; its about changing the way you think to change the way you feel & read the self help bits on this site.
Sorry if this is all old news & you've heard it/done it a thousand times already; you just sounded a bit lost & in need of information.
Good luck with it,
Take care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

[maz]

I have tried looking in the mirror and being positive, an idea of my husbands but nothing positive comes to mind I just feel horrible and ashamed of the way I look. I suppose I should do it everyday and that way it may stop being as painful. I am getting help, I attend the hospital 3 times per week so that is putting some structure into my life. Just wish I could find that mask again and be "normal"
Thanks for yours support
Mariaxx

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi Maz :)

I know what you mean about the mirror thing; its never worked for me either, although I've never made myself do it enough to really feel the benefit. (Maybe we should have a pact together to do it once a day, whether we believe it or not?!)

Try not to long for the days of 'the mask' - I know it feels like it was easier then but what you are working towards is so much better - A life where you don't need the mask to pretend; where you truly are comfortable existing in your own skin. I'm not there yet either but I really feel like when I am, I'll be better than I ever was when all I had was pretend confidence. And if you genuinely believe you're a valid human being with something to offer, nothing can penetrate that, unlike the way the smallest thing can shatter false self esteem. Keep at it!
Take care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

[maz]

Hi CarpeDiem

Your right about aiming to live a life without 'the mask' I want that so much. I try to be a decent person and I care deeply about those I know and those around me. Sometimes I think I purposly allow myself to become overwhelmed with other peoples problems because it stops me thinking of my own. I want to lead a normal life and return to the working world, I miss it.

I agree lets tackle the scary mirror once a day, it cant hurt that much CAN IT?

I am about to do a really scary thing now and book an appointment at the hairdressers arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Then perhaps I will be able to look in the mirror and not see scarecrow hair lol.
Not going to think about how I will get there and how I will cope when I am there I am just going to go for it.
Thanks CarpeDiem
Take care of yourself
Mariax

[CarpeDiem]

:) Hi Maria :)

I think you have the right attitude - I think really wanting to get well again is SO important. I have met quite a few people on here who are just looking for the next type of medication to make it easier or a book to cure them but I think the first thing you need to accept is that its the way you think that makes you feel the way you do & maybe it is going to be hard but you have to do it anyway.
Like you say; you're much more comfortable helping other people with their problems than dealing with your own (Me too!) but at least you see that quality in yourself & you're determined to keep trying to shift the focus back to you. All we can do is keep at it; I'm gonna get in front of that mirror today & tell myself some lies!!! :ohmy: Positive lies though, so maybe I'll start to believe it sooner or later - I'll let you know how it goes!
Take care, CarpeDiem
xxxxxx

[CarpeDiem]

Sorry, I know this is Maria's thread but I just wanted to say thanks Nigel for the eyes closed approach to the mirror thing; it didn't occur to me to start with eyes shut as I thought the point was to be able to find positives in what you see but its blatantly all about the thoughts (as it always is!). I've had no luck with the mirror before cos it just feels ridiculas when I don't believe what I'm saying but I'm gonna give it a go 'blind'........ :ohmy:

[hackers62]

Hi Maria

I totally understand how you feel, its got a hold of me again this dreaded nightmare. Back on pills and just dont feel ready to battle it out yet.

[MissChampers]

Hi all, I find it really difficult to go anywhere. Its not the going out its the bumping into people, those who I know and those I dont. I know I am not important enough that people would talk about me, I just feel they are thinking how horrible I look or how pathetic I look. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted, I sit and think and feel vile. The odd time I do allow myself to be in a social setting I have nothing worthwhile to say. This has worsened gradually over the last 18 months. Before I became ill I was a HR advisor and a trainer and although I used to suffer with confidence I used to be able to wear a mask and this enabled me to be competent in my job. Now I have the concentration of a slug and panic if I find myself speaking to people. I just do not go out and avoid people as much as I can
Maria x

Hi Maz, I feel the same when I go into town or supermarket and see someone I know. I'll purposely cross the road or pretend I haven't seen them just to avoid speaking to them. This morning I had to go to Tesco for a neighbour which was fine until I got the the checkout, then I thought I heard someone call my name and almost lost it and I could feel myself trembling inside. It's funny how you say you only felt ok when you wore a mask, I'm the same with sunglasses, I find myself feeling calm when i'm wearing them and I don't get paniky if i'm stood at the checkout wearing them or if someone talks to me while i'm out. The only trouble is when it's dull outside you look a bit daft wearing sunglasses indoors. I used to be able to approach people easily and chat away but something happened to me that's made me like this.:mad: :wacko:

[Frankie23]

I have tried looking in the mirror and being positive, an idea of my husbands but nothing positive comes to mind I just feel horrible and ashamed of the way I look. I suppose I should do it everyday and that way it may stop being as painful. I am getting help, I attend the hospital 3 times per week so that is putting some structure into my life. Just wish I could find that mask again and be "normal"
Thanks for yours support
MariaxxI think your very brave for discussing it on here hun!!! xxx

[jitterbug]

*hugs* have you thought about getting some support, or joining a self esteem course, it sounds like your confidence is very low, hence all the negative thoughts. How would you change things?
good luck xxx