Jazzie25
10-09-18, 17:54
Hi all, New member here!
I've been coming on this website for reassurance for almost 3 years now and I have never found the courage to post. But I really am at an all time low and need to get some of my history off my chest (even if nobody reads it!)
My HA started 3 years ago after I was experiencing some random numbness in my face and in my shins. At the time I was going through a break up with my child's father and our then 2 yr old daughter, 4 months previous, had been admitted to Intensive care with a heart arrythmia. The worst unimaginable time of my life. So without realising it - I think I was having a mini breakdown!! After googling my symptoms I had managed to convince myself i had MS. Or a brain tumour. I was frantic. Calling my doctor every morning begging them to help me. In the end my doctor said there is nothing more I can do to prove to you so booked me in for an MRI. It came back absolutely fine and my symptoms vanished almost over night.
Fast forward 2 years I am In a much better place. My daughter is perfectly fine, off her meds and I have met a new partner. Life couldn't be better. Then I started to experience stomach pains and bloating. After much self diagnosing from doctor Google I had convinced myself it was bowel cancer. This turned out to be IBS. Random bleeding was not ovarian cancer (which I agonized over for my whole famiky holiday in Spain - completely consumed with fear I don't remember much of it) it was just bleeding from my coil. The upper left pain and heartburn wasn't pancreatic cancer.... are you following me??
It consumes me and I see no way out.
My most recent symptoms are itching/burning all over my skin and I felt a raised lymph node so I'm almost certain that this time it's Lymphoma. Only because I don't feel anxious so can't blame my symptoms on that. I'm all exhausted as well. But I do this every time. Every time I get a new symptom I think nope this time it's definitely *insert cancer or disease*. I feel utterly selfish and stupid but I can't get out this rut. My life is gripped tight by this HA and it follows me everywhere. In the car I think about my symptoms, at work, in bed, when I'm in conversation. It never leaves me. I tried CBT but my irrational mind overrules any logic.
My point to this thread is... how can i escape? What if one day my symptoms are actually something sinister? How will I ever cope? I just want to live my life with my beautiful family without tearing apart Google at night because I found a mysterious bruise I didn't know I had (alas i probably freak i haveLeukemia
)
Also I really hope I don't offend anyone who really is poorly with any of the above and I know I should be thankful to be alive!
Thanks for taking the time to read this long post and tough love is welcome if it will help me!
I've been coming on this website for reassurance for almost 3 years now and I have never found the courage to post. But I really am at an all time low and need to get some of my history off my chest (even if nobody reads it!)
My HA started 3 years ago after I was experiencing some random numbness in my face and in my shins. At the time I was going through a break up with my child's father and our then 2 yr old daughter, 4 months previous, had been admitted to Intensive care with a heart arrythmia. The worst unimaginable time of my life. So without realising it - I think I was having a mini breakdown!! After googling my symptoms I had managed to convince myself i had MS. Or a brain tumour. I was frantic. Calling my doctor every morning begging them to help me. In the end my doctor said there is nothing more I can do to prove to you so booked me in for an MRI. It came back absolutely fine and my symptoms vanished almost over night.
Fast forward 2 years I am In a much better place. My daughter is perfectly fine, off her meds and I have met a new partner. Life couldn't be better. Then I started to experience stomach pains and bloating. After much self diagnosing from doctor Google I had convinced myself it was bowel cancer. This turned out to be IBS. Random bleeding was not ovarian cancer (which I agonized over for my whole famiky holiday in Spain - completely consumed with fear I don't remember much of it) it was just bleeding from my coil. The upper left pain and heartburn wasn't pancreatic cancer.... are you following me??
It consumes me and I see no way out.
My most recent symptoms are itching/burning all over my skin and I felt a raised lymph node so I'm almost certain that this time it's Lymphoma. Only because I don't feel anxious so can't blame my symptoms on that. I'm all exhausted as well. But I do this every time. Every time I get a new symptom I think nope this time it's definitely *insert cancer or disease*. I feel utterly selfish and stupid but I can't get out this rut. My life is gripped tight by this HA and it follows me everywhere. In the car I think about my symptoms, at work, in bed, when I'm in conversation. It never leaves me. I tried CBT but my irrational mind overrules any logic.
My point to this thread is... how can i escape? What if one day my symptoms are actually something sinister? How will I ever cope? I just want to live my life with my beautiful family without tearing apart Google at night because I found a mysterious bruise I didn't know I had (alas i probably freak i haveLeukemia
)
Also I really hope I don't offend anyone who really is poorly with any of the above and I know I should be thankful to be alive!
Thanks for taking the time to read this long post and tough love is welcome if it will help me!