Mocky444
13-09-18, 20:49
Firstly id like to apologise for grammer etc.. english is not my strong point!
Hi all,
I have never spoke properly about my anxiety before but its reached a point where i want to share how ive felt over the last 30 years or so. I think it started around 13 to 14 worryig about pains and it just got worse and worse to the point i was branded a "hypocondriac" and i would never feel comfortable saying to anyone how i felt because i kept getting called this word.. we now all know this is anxiety and unfortunatly i have suffered it all my life but also i was persecuted by people who didnt understand it.
I always worried about heart attacks and every little pain i got, i associated with it. I never seemed bothered about long term stuff like cancer. I do not really know how this all started as it certainly was not the internet because there wasn't any then lol.. it was manifested by me and me alone. Im not going into my past stuff in detail as i just wanted to put a little of the backstory as to why i find myself in a more recent times position, i could seriously write a book on my life!!
Im a 42 yr old male, happily married with 5 children and 1 en route.. in fact very close to landing :D My wife knows of my problems and i try not talk about it too much as i dont think she totally understands (although she does try to) it to be honest and finds it hard sometimes and to be quite frank, im a little embarrassed by it as well.
I want to talk about symptoms and how i feel most days as i go about my daily work and routine but where to start i do not know as there is just so much going on in my head like all the time its brutal. I will try by giving just an example of what i was feeling just before i decided to write this post.. I was sitting in my chair having finished work, i have been feeling an odd feeling on the back of my right hand and down my right arm and last night the left side of my jaw twitched and drooped... it did this again today at work and tonight its felt kinda numb.. throw in a couple of headaches behind the eye and the back of the head and i now think ive been having a stroke for 2 days or heart attack because of the arm and hand.. i was starving and wanting some food when i came in and yet im sat here writing this and haven't even ordered due to my "worrying" taking over me and yes im not hungry again!. This has been normal for me for a long long time... how many hours, days and years ive wasted worrying in this way i do not know.. but i know i will continue to do so till the day i leave this place for good. I get pains and aches all over... but why cant they just be pains and aches? Why does it have it to be death? This is a answer i have always looked for and i dont believe i will ever find.
I find new things to worry about every time a new sensation hits me but i what i cannot understand is how i manifest somethings myself? Is it possible? I have a friend who lost his leg recently because of a clot behind his knee and they couldn't fix it so the poor bugger had to have his leg amputated above the knee.. 2 weeks late i was getting muscle twitches above my knee followed by burning(a new sensation to me) and immediately i thought i had clots.. always checking my legs as i seemed to be getting pains all the time especially in the calf areas.. this spiraled to the point i couldn't sleep etc... am i causing this myself?? What is going on! I feel crazy about it on a daily basis, the whole anxiety thing i mean.
I never suffered headaches whereas my cousin had terrbile migraines for a long time and had to lock himself away when they struck.. i never suffered anything like it until... I witnessed my mam have a brain hemorrhage in front of me.. in fact she came into my room and said " something feels funny in my head" and less then 2 minutes later.. bang it her and she was riving in pain before basically going into some sort of trance (she was not on-conceious) as she was awake the whole time just moaning for 2 days till she was operated on... after this incident i can only say what i went through was hell, not only was i devastated because of my mum.. i was suffering headaches, twitching in my face, face drooping, numbness.. the list is endless and i was put on meds to help me sleep. I need you to bare in mind i had suffered NONE of this in my life before!. I phoned an ambulance 3 times in one night for stroke symptoms.. embarrassing to say the least. My mum survived and surprisingly with most of her mind intact but she was blind in one eye.. no speech problems or anything.. but what killed me is that she just couldnt get over the anxiety about having another one (she had another clot in the brain that couldnt be operated on) just slowly weighted her down and she became a shadow of the woman she was pre-hemorrhage .. thing is she lived for another 14 years and died of bronchial pneumonia at 76 due to copd problems.. so no, the one thing she worried about didn't happen.. wonderful woman she was and greatly missed. My worries to this day about brain issues all stem from this happening back in 2006!
Ironically.. in 2016 i went to the doctors with gout and ended up being diagnosed with CLL (Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia) .. the one thing i never bothered myself about,i got.. an incurable cancer at that.. although it can be managed through chemo etc. What is this cancer? well its an auto-immune disease of the blood and with it has brought a whole new set of anxiety.. a chest infection is now dangerous (i have recently been in hospital with a chest infection my body couldn't fight on its own) .. For a man with anxiety.. there couldn't be worse to get than a disease that stops your body defending itself is there?? I read i am more likely to develop melanoma now and also the likes of shingles could kill me! I am really trying not to read google but as you all know thats very difficult isn't it?
There is so much i would like to say but i really dont want to bore you anymore.. if anyone would like me to put more stuff down in writing ill happily do so.. i can relate to anyone and anything that you have all suffered.. trust me ive been there and still am today!! I am now trying to deal with the fact that i may not see my kids grow up and thats not me being negative (like my wife believes) its me being me coz i dont know another way to be? does anyone understand this? the feeling that if i think everything will be OK.. then life will deal me a bad turn again? Ya know that feeling of "maybe this time it is happening kinda thing?".
Just a last little note... it took me an hour to write this.. i was devoid of any pain or "sensations" for that period of time.. but now im at the end of this post.. im back with my thoughts again :weep: :doh:
Thanks if you took the time to read this :)
Hi all,
I have never spoke properly about my anxiety before but its reached a point where i want to share how ive felt over the last 30 years or so. I think it started around 13 to 14 worryig about pains and it just got worse and worse to the point i was branded a "hypocondriac" and i would never feel comfortable saying to anyone how i felt because i kept getting called this word.. we now all know this is anxiety and unfortunatly i have suffered it all my life but also i was persecuted by people who didnt understand it.
I always worried about heart attacks and every little pain i got, i associated with it. I never seemed bothered about long term stuff like cancer. I do not really know how this all started as it certainly was not the internet because there wasn't any then lol.. it was manifested by me and me alone. Im not going into my past stuff in detail as i just wanted to put a little of the backstory as to why i find myself in a more recent times position, i could seriously write a book on my life!!
Im a 42 yr old male, happily married with 5 children and 1 en route.. in fact very close to landing :D My wife knows of my problems and i try not talk about it too much as i dont think she totally understands (although she does try to) it to be honest and finds it hard sometimes and to be quite frank, im a little embarrassed by it as well.
I want to talk about symptoms and how i feel most days as i go about my daily work and routine but where to start i do not know as there is just so much going on in my head like all the time its brutal. I will try by giving just an example of what i was feeling just before i decided to write this post.. I was sitting in my chair having finished work, i have been feeling an odd feeling on the back of my right hand and down my right arm and last night the left side of my jaw twitched and drooped... it did this again today at work and tonight its felt kinda numb.. throw in a couple of headaches behind the eye and the back of the head and i now think ive been having a stroke for 2 days or heart attack because of the arm and hand.. i was starving and wanting some food when i came in and yet im sat here writing this and haven't even ordered due to my "worrying" taking over me and yes im not hungry again!. This has been normal for me for a long long time... how many hours, days and years ive wasted worrying in this way i do not know.. but i know i will continue to do so till the day i leave this place for good. I get pains and aches all over... but why cant they just be pains and aches? Why does it have it to be death? This is a answer i have always looked for and i dont believe i will ever find.
I find new things to worry about every time a new sensation hits me but i what i cannot understand is how i manifest somethings myself? Is it possible? I have a friend who lost his leg recently because of a clot behind his knee and they couldn't fix it so the poor bugger had to have his leg amputated above the knee.. 2 weeks late i was getting muscle twitches above my knee followed by burning(a new sensation to me) and immediately i thought i had clots.. always checking my legs as i seemed to be getting pains all the time especially in the calf areas.. this spiraled to the point i couldn't sleep etc... am i causing this myself?? What is going on! I feel crazy about it on a daily basis, the whole anxiety thing i mean.
I never suffered headaches whereas my cousin had terrbile migraines for a long time and had to lock himself away when they struck.. i never suffered anything like it until... I witnessed my mam have a brain hemorrhage in front of me.. in fact she came into my room and said " something feels funny in my head" and less then 2 minutes later.. bang it her and she was riving in pain before basically going into some sort of trance (she was not on-conceious) as she was awake the whole time just moaning for 2 days till she was operated on... after this incident i can only say what i went through was hell, not only was i devastated because of my mum.. i was suffering headaches, twitching in my face, face drooping, numbness.. the list is endless and i was put on meds to help me sleep. I need you to bare in mind i had suffered NONE of this in my life before!. I phoned an ambulance 3 times in one night for stroke symptoms.. embarrassing to say the least. My mum survived and surprisingly with most of her mind intact but she was blind in one eye.. no speech problems or anything.. but what killed me is that she just couldnt get over the anxiety about having another one (she had another clot in the brain that couldnt be operated on) just slowly weighted her down and she became a shadow of the woman she was pre-hemorrhage .. thing is she lived for another 14 years and died of bronchial pneumonia at 76 due to copd problems.. so no, the one thing she worried about didn't happen.. wonderful woman she was and greatly missed. My worries to this day about brain issues all stem from this happening back in 2006!
Ironically.. in 2016 i went to the doctors with gout and ended up being diagnosed with CLL (Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia) .. the one thing i never bothered myself about,i got.. an incurable cancer at that.. although it can be managed through chemo etc. What is this cancer? well its an auto-immune disease of the blood and with it has brought a whole new set of anxiety.. a chest infection is now dangerous (i have recently been in hospital with a chest infection my body couldn't fight on its own) .. For a man with anxiety.. there couldn't be worse to get than a disease that stops your body defending itself is there?? I read i am more likely to develop melanoma now and also the likes of shingles could kill me! I am really trying not to read google but as you all know thats very difficult isn't it?
There is so much i would like to say but i really dont want to bore you anymore.. if anyone would like me to put more stuff down in writing ill happily do so.. i can relate to anyone and anything that you have all suffered.. trust me ive been there and still am today!! I am now trying to deal with the fact that i may not see my kids grow up and thats not me being negative (like my wife believes) its me being me coz i dont know another way to be? does anyone understand this? the feeling that if i think everything will be OK.. then life will deal me a bad turn again? Ya know that feeling of "maybe this time it is happening kinda thing?".
Just a last little note... it took me an hour to write this.. i was devoid of any pain or "sensations" for that period of time.. but now im at the end of this post.. im back with my thoughts again :weep: :doh:
Thanks if you took the time to read this :)