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Jon
08-01-05, 19:54
Hi everyone,
feel alittle strange posting this to a complete set of strangers.
I will try to be breif and explain my circumstances as carefully as possible.
I was sexually abused from an early age of what seems in mixed memories, my entire childhood. A secret I have lived with and protected the ones around me from pain and the (cancer) for years and years.
My abuse wasn’t just from one person but from 4/5 different people and separate occasions. Some of the offenders were linked to what I think some sort of Baby sitting racket. Mum worked several jobs, dads in jail you must have heard the story before.
Violence has been the only answer to all my problems, from an early age I learnt that once I protected myself that no-one could hurt me no more. My life as resolved around a cycle of violence, from boxing in the army to street fighting, Aggression and bullying partners and close friends and family members.
It seems that I always mange to hurt the people closest to me and never the people who ruined my life.
My 1st move to try and change things started approx 10 years ago, I told my wife at the time, who was quite supportive. As time as gone on, the (cancer) seems to get worse. I use the word cancer to try and explain the pain I am suffering.
Over the years I have been let down by all the usual so called therapists who listen to your story, open all your wounds then tell you they will be in touch……. Mean while your then left to try and get on with life, your job etc.
I have been on several anti depressants, been to anger management courses, and tried rape counseling, even hypnotherapy.
Things have come to head recently leaving me again vulnerable, Approx 2 years ago I tried to tell my mother my problem, she listened but I felt, did not believe me….. The last 2 years have been a living nightmare; she has told other family members about this, (against my will) each time the cancer just seems to get worse. I suffer from bad night mares, my partner tried to wake me up in frustration (I had not been sleeping probably due to it all and was neglecting my business) I leapt out of bed and pinned her by her throat to the wall. My behaviour had gone too far. She understandably left me with the children. I agreed we needed to sort this problem not just for the sake of our selves but for the sake of our kids. It seems fair that I cannot take them through this journey with me and hope that they will be there when or if I get to the other side.
Approx 4 weeks ago I was at the lowest point I feel I have ever been, I went to the police to try and get seek some justice. The police took me to a mental hospital for assessment………MY PROBLEM IS, I AM FAR FROM MENTAL. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT AND DO NOT HAVE WHAT I CLASSED AS A MENTAL ILLNESS. The CID later called at my house to follow the matter up. They explained that my word against all these peoples wouldn’t really be sufficient evidence to force a result in court. My word against theirs. TYPICAL……….. they said that it could get messy in court and it wouldn’t be a nice experience.
I have since just encountered the loneliest xmas, I think about suicide daily, my kids keep me from carrying out this notion. They have still not returned home. I feel roar, rotten to the core, My partner is now living with her parents with the kids. I have lost my business due to depression, looks like I may have to sell my house to pay off all my debts that are running up.
I do not know what to do………….
Sick and tired of telling different people about my life and sick of getting passed from pillar to post. All I want to do is find some peace with my life and be happy. To not react with aggression or violence to confrontation. I have scrolled the internet now, looking for an answer to an impossible problem, I have read about the effects from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can relate to a lot of the problems. Please could you let me know if you have encountered similar situations? I am not mad, Even though I feel like it sometimes I can assure you that I am far from it. I feel that I

nomorepanic
08-01-05, 22:03
Jon

That was a very powerful first post. I take i you do not have cancer but for some reason relate ur problems to having it?

CBT is very good and it will help a lot.

You have a lot to sort out here and you need to talk it over with a professional. That can be done with CBT sessions as well.

I hope you can get some help with it all


Nicola

Meg
09-01-05, 00:03
Hi Jon,

Welcome to the site.

As I said on your other message we do not have lots of experience in PTSD or sexual abuse but can support you generically.

It strikes me from what you've written that you have never had any comprehensive indepth specialist sexual abuse counselling and for this you need to work with a specialist male abuse therapist rather than a general counsellor.

I can say though that the violence and anger you're experiencing is real and extremely common and how this is all manifesting itself is completely typical and you can get over it. Anti depressants may be a tempory help but are not your solution.

If you can - try to read and absorb specific male abuse sites as objectively as possible - try to view it as a research project and not compare and relate personally all the way through or you will not reach the help and support bits..
Try http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/ first off .

There are lots of sections of information.

I can understand why you are calling the knawing and destructive and invasive pain that you're left with - a cancer - but it may be more helpful to try to visualize it as a bacteria or something overcomeable with treatment and not something that is ultimately greater and stronger than you.

Maybe the PTSD should be seen as the end product and you would be best concentrating on dealing with the original traumas and not the consequences.

You may already have been in touch with a specialist self help group but if not, may I recommend http://www.survivorsuk.co.uk/.. they are well known and experienced and will be able point you in the right direction to get the scope of help you need.
The links pages are also specific and comprehensive.

Good luck Jon - please do persue getting correct help for yourself as once you can willingly begin to let go of some of this turmoil you will find that so much will slot into place and your life will turn around. You will also be able to tell your wife that you are taking steps to deal with it all which will reassure her .

It sounds like you've done really well all this time to have been a husband and father as so many abused men just cannot manage this at all.

Do let us know how you get on. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find the avenue of help you need.




Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

sal
09-01-05, 01:14
Hi Jon

That was a heart felt post and i am so pleaed you have opened up on the site.

You have been through a great deal of hardship and talking how you have takes real admiration.

You have made me realise that opening up how you have is the best way to deal with it.

Any help i can give you i will hon.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

Caz Fab Pants
15-01-05, 16:55
Jon,

What struck me most when I read your post was the fact that all this has happened to you and yet you are almost the same age as me. I expected to read that this had happened many decades ago and that you would be in your 50 or 60's. Surely there must be some help out there for you!?

I'm sorry I cant advise you where to find the help you need but I really hope you find it. You sound like a fighter (in a positive sense) and have managed to keep it together and live a relatively normal life so far. So with a bit of assistance I think you can conquere over this past and move towards the future.

Good luck.

Caroline
x

mumof4
17-01-05, 19:29
I was sexcually abused as a child by my granpa for a few years the councller told me thats why i suffer with panick attacks.

The thing was with my i didnt tell no one untill i was 25 and it stopped happing when i was 11.

I always felt embrassed and ashamed for what happened but after the councelling i realised i shouldnt be it was his fault not mine.

nomorepanic
17-01-05, 19:52
Taylor

Sorry to hear that - must have been really hard for you and even now.

Have you coped ok with it or are you still having problems coping with it?

Nicola

sal
18-01-05, 01:03
Hi Taylor

It isnt your fault hon and you had no choice in it.

I know how hard it must be for you.

Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

mumof4
18-01-05, 11:49
i have just learned after my counceling last year to cope with it and learn that it wasnt my fault.

I havent got to face him no longer he died about 4 years ago but i didnt even go to his funrel.

carol
23-01-05, 07:30
Hi jon I READ YR THOUGHTS AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.I KNOW IT MIGHT SOUND SILLY BUT HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH CHILDLINE THOUGH U MAY BE AN ADULT I THINK THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE U THE SUPPORT THAT U CLEARLY NEED.YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE AND YOUR CHILDREN TO THINK ABOUT IT MAY HAVE GONE PEAR SHAPED FOR NOW SOME ANGER MANAGMENT MIGHT HELP FOR YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN TO GAIN THE STABILITY THAT YOU ALL NEED AS A FAMILY.TAKE THE STEP AND CALL THEM AND PUT YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK DONT LET YOUR ABUSER RUIN ANYMORE OF WHAT CAN BE A GOOD LIFE.XX KAZ

kaz

FAN
23-01-05, 13:38
its sometimes easier to tell thngs how they are to people you dont really know and although i cant offer advice i can say..............there are no strangers here only friends we've yet to meet

fan x