Jon
08-01-05, 20:23
Hi everyone,
feel alittle strange posting this to a complete set of strangers.
I will try to be breif and explain my circumstances as carefully as possible.
I was sexually abused from an early age of what seems in mixed memories, my entire childhood. A secret I have lived with and protected the ones around me from pain and the (cancer) for years and years.
My abuse wasn’t just from one person but from 4/5 different people and separate occasions. Some of the offenders were linked to what I think some sort of Baby sitting racket. Mum worked several jobs, dads in jail you must have heard the story before.
Violence has been the only answer to all my problems, from an early age I learnt that once I protected myself that no-one could hurt me no more. My life as resolved around a cycle of violence, from boxing in the army to street fighting, Aggression and bullying partners and close friends and family members.
It seems that I always mange to hurt the people closest to me and never the people who ruined my life.
My 1st move to try and change things started approx 10 years ago, I told my wife at the time, who was quite supportive. As time as gone on, the (cancer) seems to get worse. I use the word cancer to try and explain the pain I am suffering.
Over the years I have been let down by all the usual so called therapists who listen to your story, open all your wounds then tell you they will be in touch……. Mean while your then left to try and get on with life, your job etc.
I have been on several anti depressants, been to anger management courses, and tried rape counseling, even hypnotherapy.
Things have come to head recently leaving me again vulnerable, Approx 2 years ago I tried to tell my mother my problem, she listened but I felt, did not believe me….. The last 2 years have been a living nightmare; she has told other family members about this, (against my will) each time the cancer just seems to get worse. I suffer from bad night mares, my partner tried to wake me up in frustration (I had not been sleeping probably due to it all and was neglecting my business) I leapt out of bed and pinned her by her throat to the wall. My behaviour had gone too far. She understandably left me with the children. I agreed we needed to sort this problem not just for the sake of our selves but for the sake of our kids. It seems fair that I cannot take them through this journey with me and hope that they will be there when or if I get to the other side.
Approx 4 weeks ago I was at the lowest point I feel I have ever been, I went to the police to try and get seek some justice. The police took me to a mental hospital for assessment………MY PROBLEM IS, I AM FAR FROM MENTAL. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT AND DO NOT HAVE WHAT I CLASSED AS A MENTAL ILLNESS. The CID later called at my house to follow the matter up. They explained that my word against all these peoples wouldn’t really be sufficient evidence to force a result in court. My word against theirs. TYPICAL……….. they said that it could get messy in court and it wouldn’t be a nice experience.
I have since just encountered the loneliest xmas, I think about suicide daily, my kids keep me from carrying out this notion. They have still not returned home. I feel roar, rotten to the core, My partner is now living with her parents with the kids. I have lost my business due to depression, looks like I may have to sell my house to pay off all my debts that are running up.
I do not know what to do………….
Sick and tired of telling different people about my life and sick of getting passed from pillar to post. All I want to do is find some peace with my life and be happy. To not react with aggression or violence to confrontation. I have scrolled the internet now, looking for an answer to an impossible problem, I have read about the effects from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can relate to a lot of the problems. Please could you let me know if you have encountered similar situations? I am not mad, Even though I feel like it sometimes I can assure you that I am far from it. I feel that I have tried
feel alittle strange posting this to a complete set of strangers.
I will try to be breif and explain my circumstances as carefully as possible.
I was sexually abused from an early age of what seems in mixed memories, my entire childhood. A secret I have lived with and protected the ones around me from pain and the (cancer) for years and years.
My abuse wasn’t just from one person but from 4/5 different people and separate occasions. Some of the offenders were linked to what I think some sort of Baby sitting racket. Mum worked several jobs, dads in jail you must have heard the story before.
Violence has been the only answer to all my problems, from an early age I learnt that once I protected myself that no-one could hurt me no more. My life as resolved around a cycle of violence, from boxing in the army to street fighting, Aggression and bullying partners and close friends and family members.
It seems that I always mange to hurt the people closest to me and never the people who ruined my life.
My 1st move to try and change things started approx 10 years ago, I told my wife at the time, who was quite supportive. As time as gone on, the (cancer) seems to get worse. I use the word cancer to try and explain the pain I am suffering.
Over the years I have been let down by all the usual so called therapists who listen to your story, open all your wounds then tell you they will be in touch……. Mean while your then left to try and get on with life, your job etc.
I have been on several anti depressants, been to anger management courses, and tried rape counseling, even hypnotherapy.
Things have come to head recently leaving me again vulnerable, Approx 2 years ago I tried to tell my mother my problem, she listened but I felt, did not believe me….. The last 2 years have been a living nightmare; she has told other family members about this, (against my will) each time the cancer just seems to get worse. I suffer from bad night mares, my partner tried to wake me up in frustration (I had not been sleeping probably due to it all and was neglecting my business) I leapt out of bed and pinned her by her throat to the wall. My behaviour had gone too far. She understandably left me with the children. I agreed we needed to sort this problem not just for the sake of our selves but for the sake of our kids. It seems fair that I cannot take them through this journey with me and hope that they will be there when or if I get to the other side.
Approx 4 weeks ago I was at the lowest point I feel I have ever been, I went to the police to try and get seek some justice. The police took me to a mental hospital for assessment………MY PROBLEM IS, I AM FAR FROM MENTAL. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT AND DO NOT HAVE WHAT I CLASSED AS A MENTAL ILLNESS. The CID later called at my house to follow the matter up. They explained that my word against all these peoples wouldn’t really be sufficient evidence to force a result in court. My word against theirs. TYPICAL……….. they said that it could get messy in court and it wouldn’t be a nice experience.
I have since just encountered the loneliest xmas, I think about suicide daily, my kids keep me from carrying out this notion. They have still not returned home. I feel roar, rotten to the core, My partner is now living with her parents with the kids. I have lost my business due to depression, looks like I may have to sell my house to pay off all my debts that are running up.
I do not know what to do………….
Sick and tired of telling different people about my life and sick of getting passed from pillar to post. All I want to do is find some peace with my life and be happy. To not react with aggression or violence to confrontation. I have scrolled the internet now, looking for an answer to an impossible problem, I have read about the effects from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can relate to a lot of the problems. Please could you let me know if you have encountered similar situations? I am not mad, Even though I feel like it sometimes I can assure you that I am far from it. I feel that I have tried